Ouch! Women these days appear to be SO cold and SO shallow...

[zccr3279]

I've been dating a few girls over the last 6 months, one of which was my ex.

 

My ex and I were previously together for about 2 years (with a few off/on's) until March 2011, when she broke it off saying that she just didn't have any feelings for me anymore. Although I absolutely love her, I go NC with her for 2 months. In May, SHE starts texting me and wants to have lunch. Despite my better judgment, I agree to go. During lunch, she basically says that she's realized just how wonderful I am, how she isn't lonely anymore but still misses me...blah blah blah. The first weekend back together (May) was amazing. After that, it was just a downhill spiral. She had almost no affection/feelings for me and started treating me as a friend. Sex was a lost cause and she eventually scaled it down to hugs only (August).

 

Yesterday (18th Sept), I tell her that during conversation between us and her friends, she completely ignores me and I feel as though I'm not even welcome. I'm just the guy standing behind/beside her at that point, not her boyfriend. I then lead into how I get this feeling that so many of her friends don't like me, feeling as though she is feeding them "the bad things" of our relationship and leaving out all the positives. She pretty much tells me that she would have never pictured dating someone like me (physical appearance). She says it's not that I'm ugly or anything (because I'm not), it's more that her "ideal guy" would be 50lbs heavier (I'm 152lb), 3 or more inches taller (I'm 5'-10"), and more rugged/outdoor looking (I'm not that). She says that she mentally wants to date me, but can't get past the physical appearance of me not conforming to her ideal guy. She explains that I'm an amazing person and she respects me -- but on the friendship level.

 

I tell her that she isn't my ideal looking S.O., but her qualities (at least I thought) is what makes her so special. I also say that I'm not willing to go friends with her. It's all or nothing, which is the benefit of dating me.

 

She goes on to say that she's basically given up with me -- that a few days prior it was my birthday and she completely forgot. During the weekend, I mentioned my birthday in conversation and she realized she forgot. She said that she felt bad for about 1 minute, and then didn't even care that she missed it. Ouch!

 

 

 

So yes, I can definitely say (not only by this one example) that women these days are COLD and SHALLOW.

[FathomFear]

I'm not sure it's "women these days". People in general tend to be shallow. There was a post on this forum just a few days ago, for example, from a guy who was contemplating dumping his perfect girlfriend not because she gained weight, but because she lost a bit of her "tone". Needless to say high expectations can be found in anyone these days regardless of gender.

[annie24]

I agree that this isn't a "women these days" thing. We are talking about 1 woman, your ex-gf.

[zccr3279]

I do have other examples...different ladies.

 

And since I don't date guys, I obviously cannot comment on that. But yes, I would agree -- people these days are extremely shallow and many of them cold.

[sidehop]

Your ex sounds very picky; her choice of course but honestly there are many open & kind individuals out there. Both men and women. Don't let the past affect the way you see others either.

[Tanzi]

I do have other examples...different ladies.

 

You may well have but I think the point that is being made here is that being shallow and/or cold isn't gender-specific. Granted your gf didn't treat you very well (I'm surprised it took her 2 years to realise that you weren't her type) but her behaviour is more specific with someone who wants out of a relationship than it is her gender.

 

I agree with sidehop. Don't let bad experiences cloud your judgement for the future.

[Brownstone322]

She pretty much tells me that she would have never pictured dating someone like me (physical appearance). She says it's not that I'm ugly or anything (because I'm not), it's more that her "ideal guy" would be 50lbs heavier (I'm 152lb), 3 or more inches taller (I'm 5'-10"), and more rugged/outdoor looking (I'm not that). She says that she mentally wants to date me, but can't get past the physical appearance of me not conforming to her ideal guy.

Well, we know that she's pretty shallow. Good luck to her with that 6-foot-2, 200-puond guy that she thinks is gonna magically bring her happiness. (Betcha anything it's never gonna happen, but a girl can dream.)

 

She explains that I'm an amazing person and she respects me -- but on the friendship level.

Who actually says this stuff past high school?

 

Anyway, this one nut bag and "all women" are two entirely different things, so you gotta roll with it.

[WindowTo]

People do mean things, especially when you let them. When she said that she can't get past your physical appearance (that it is unacceptable to her) you should have been out the door.

[annie24]

People do mean things, especially when you let them. When she said that she can't get past your physical appearance (that it is unacceptable to her) you should have been out the door.

 

i think that is an excuse. i mean - you know what the person looks like on the first date. if looks are the issue, why would there even be a second date??

[Tanzi]

i think that is an excuse. i mean - you know what the person looks like on the first date. if looks are the issue, why would there even be a second date??

 

I agree. She is trying to justify her actions. None of these things bothered her two years ago when they first got together.

[22n32]

Not all women are shallow.. its about 50/50 my experince..

 

 

Don't let one women, change ur opnion.. u gotta date many bad ones before u find the right one..

[northpickle]

Just my twopenneth here, as a woman.

 

I certainly don't have a "type", and am very rarely instantly attracted (or unattracted!) to a person dependent on looks. I start to find someone physically attractive the longer I have know them, and if they are treating me well and we are getting along, and the spark is there, then my physical attraction to them grows and grows.

 

I have dated (and had LTRs with) people of very different appearances, and to bring appearance up during a break up is pretty cold, in my opinion. And it does sound like she was making excuses and not considering your feelings in any way, which I don't think is nice at all.

[ElleBelle]

Men can be very harsh on a woman's appearance. Not all, but some. Same for women -- don't group them all in the one category. By putting those thoughts into your universe -- "all women are cold and superficial" -- you are attracting those types of women to you.

[windmask]

hey zccr3279

 

read ur story and am sorry to say this dont take to much offense but ur ex is a total -----. and in a few years lets say she gets fat and if shes with someone and that guy leaves her cause shes super fat then i think she will remember u again and be like i really as a ------. like really if she had a problem with the way u looked why did she hook up with u twice like shes a freaken user and u should not allow her in ur life unless u just want to be used and get throw en away again. ur ex gf was truly shallow and unfortunately theirs so many women out there who really are like that. i cant say all are like that it wouldnt be true however a good portion of them are like that.

 

listen man whats done is done u cant force someone to love u or take u as u are things should just happen. she wasnt in love with u man so why cry over it, am surprised u didnt learn that the first time u dated her. forget that clown because she never was in love with you anyway. shes a user so just let it go.

 

in the mean time i suggest hitting the gym build some muscle it would only improve things. good luck

[meoww]

I think our sexual preferences vary from person to person but attraction matters a lot to most people. If your ex girlfriend is young, she might just be figuring out what her deal breakers are. I was pursued very aggressively by an ex I wasn't attracted to, and eventually gave in because I thought I was being too shallow! He's not even bad looking either, I just wasn't attracted to him at all. It didn't work out needless to say, maybe you didn't really give her breathing room to think for herself. It's not much of an excuse--but the signs were there--she never wanted to have sex. lol my ex didn't even believe me when I said I wasn't attracted to him or that I was unhappy in the relationship from the beginning, so he obviously had personality issues that were the root cause of our breakup.

 

By the way, I think your height is fine. I personally really don't find men over 5'10 attractive (hopefully I'm not offending anyone, I'm just saying this off the top of my head) You may want to gain some weight though..one of the things that turned me off about my aforementioned ex was his gaunt frame. He kind of had an eating disorder, even though I'm sure he thinks his eating habits are healthy. You might not giving your body the fuel it needs. 200 lbs is way too much though I think. You could probably comfortably gain 10-25 pounds to your benefit. Hope that helps!

[zccr3279]

Well, I didn't want to go back with her after the 1st time, but she said something about how she moved in with 2 girlfriends and the one absolutely couldn't stand me, so she ended it. I know that her one friend did in fact not like me, but appears as though that friend had good reason -- because my now-ex never supported me and would complain for days about some minor relationship mishap but never told others about the good things that happened. Like they say, if you tell people the worst, they can only assume the worst. Plus, my now-ex pretty much bashed me 24-7 and would never stand up for me. As much as I miss her, it only takes me about 15 seconds to recall what I recently learned about her and it puts a smile on my face to know that I'm out of this nightmare.

 

And the gym is definitely in order, though I do have some significant stomach problems that has caused me to be like this (I used to weight 175 about 8 years ago). But, I think I can build some muscle still, not 200lbs worth, but enough. I'm already decently defined, so it should go pretty well.

[WindowTo]

i think that is an excuse. i mean - you know what the person looks like on the first date. if looks are the issue, why would there even be a second date?? Haha, how can that be an excuse? It is a terrible thing to say.

[annie24]

Haha, how can that be an excuse? It is a terrible thing to say.

 

what i mean is, i think she is lying about attraction being the problem - obviously, you know what that person looks like! i agree that attraction can grow or fade over time, but usually it comes with a whole host of other issues - ie, losing attraction because he is neglecting her and the relationship....

[WindowTo]

what i mean is, i think she is lying about attraction being the problem - obviously, you know what that person looks like! i agree that attraction can grow or fade over time, but usually it comes with a whole host of other issues - ie, losing attraction because he is neglecting her and the relationship....

I know what you are saying, but I think it is also likely that there are indeed a whole other host of issues she has with the relationship that she is hiding but this may be the biggest one.

[okiedokiestomp]

I'm sorry but from how you described this woman she is a self-centered, selfish individual...she forgets your bday and then says she doesn't care? who does/says that unless they are intentionally trying to hurt and push you away??? Coupled with the other descripts you gave, she sounds like she's trying to get you to break up with her b/c she's either too lazy or too afraid to do it herself. It sounds super passive aggressive to me. I think you would be best served to take her at face value and understand that the game she is playing will put you on the loosing side everytime---in fact the harder you try the more you will lose with her just for playing. These are the actions of a person who does not value you or your relationship. YOU deserve better than her.

[zccr3279]

I'm sorry but from how you described this woman she is a self-centered, selfish individual...she forgets your bday and then says she doesn't care? who does/says that unless they are intentionally trying to hurt and push you away??? Coupled with the other descripts you gave, she sounds like she's trying to get you to break up with her b/c she's either too lazy or too afraid to do it herself. It sounds super passive aggressive to me. I think you would be best served to take her at face value and understand that the game she is playing will put you on the loosing side everytime---in fact the harder you try the more you will lose with her just for playing. These are the actions of a person who does not value you or your relationship. YOU deserve better than her.

 

Others have also said that it is about her being self centered, and I agree. I think the reason why she didn't want to let go is simply because she did not want to lose a great friend, perhaps the best one she has ever had. after she told me about having no attraction to me, I quickly suggested just to break up. Without hesitation in her voice, she said ok. Clearly it was not a relationship at that point, and probably had not been for several months, maybe since we got back together. I think she wants the friendship out of me -in fact I know she does since she said that she'll miss talking and hanging out with me more than anything. I really did love hanging out with her (despite having to tolerate alot!)...but just as in the past, I'm either the boyfriend or no friend, and that's to protect me.

[okiedokiestomp]

she won't commit to being with you but can't yet commit to being without you fully either. That's the height of selfishness. I applaud you for not allowing her to dictate the parts of you that she gets to keep. by letting her experience the full consequences of her decisions--- loosing all of you, including a friendship that like you said was true-- it is the only way she will ever come to appreciate what you were offering her. If she doesn't come to this conclusion then there was never anything you could have done to begin with. Aside from this, unless she does something about her self-centered ways it would not be a healthy realtionship for you anyways. She sounds like she needs to do some serious self work..

[zccr3279]

she won't commit to being with you but can't yet commit to being without you fully either. That's the height of selfishness. I applaud you for not allowing her to dictate the parts of you that she gets to keep. by letting her experience the full consequences of her decisions--- loosing all of you, including a friendship that like you said was true-- it is the only way she will ever come to appreciate what you were offering her. If she doesn't come to this conclusion then there was never anything you could have done to begin with. Aside from this, unless she does something about her self-centered ways it would not be a healthy realtionship for you anyways. She sounds like she needs to do some serious self work..

 

Let me first off say that I really do love her...however...

 

I will be the first to admit that she's alot of work (read: high maintenance). I'm not quite sure many other guys will be willing to "put up" with her moods and general crabby attitude. I agree, the self-work is in order...much work indeed.

[okiedokiestomp]

I get that you love her...but the bigger point is you really need to consiously love yourself more and if she is not willing to treat you with respect, then you can be prepared to walk away and know in your heart that you treated her with respect and offered her something special but for whatever her reasons she could not/would not accept it.

 

Some people despite how much we care about them are not able to reciprocate those feelings but b/c we care so much about them we tend to see things through the way WE feel and can't understand that they just don't feel the same or see it the same way that we do.

 

it takes a strong person with healthy self esteem to walk away from a person they care deeply for when they know the relationship has become unhealthy.

[zccr3279]

I guess it's back to the drawing board. I would have hoped 6 or 7 years ago that I would not be at this junction as I near 30 (still a few years away), but it is obvious that this last one just was not going to work out no matter what. It would have been nice if she would have told me the truth a long time ago, though...