Are you happy if you are NOT in a relationship

[HockeyFan]

So I've been single for 2 months now, after a long term (toxic) relationship.

It took a lot out of me, and last Friday night I decided to push myself and venture out on my first date after the break-up. We had a good night, or so I thought - but things didn't work out. I realized I wasn't ready for dating yet - the rejection hurt too much still, and brought back feelings/emotions from the break-up.

 

I'm stuck in a weird place, and wondering if anyone can relate and/or offer advice.

I'm 38, dated a lot - had a few long term relationships - but like this last relationship, it was toxic for most of it and yet I hung on, tried to work on things, put up with so much, just to be in the relationship. It sems as though I meet someone, and the most important thing is that she likes me - not if I truly like her. If I'm attracted to her, and she likes me - I will date her, give it a chance. Even after a few weeks or months - and I'm not getting what I need from the relationship, I still stay, and work hard....until she has had enough and we start to fight or she just ends the relationship. Then, I'm crushed - heart broken - dealing with the rejection and asking myself "What is wrong with me?".

 

Low Self Esteem - I keep trying to learn about that...but I honestly don't feel like I have low self esteem. How else can I explain these feelings then?!? If I'm single and not dating/looking - I'm unhappy. If I'm in a relationship, I give and put up with so much just to be there - and that's not right - I'm also unhappy. It's like the love of a woman, companionship makes my life - without it, I am just not happy. It shouldn't be this way - but I don't know what to do to change it.

 

I get involved in things, I stay active, have a big circle of friends, get out and have fun. But I'm never truly happy - I miss "her" - and I hate that feeling because my happiness shouldn't be reliant on "her"....the relationship should enhance my life...not make it or break it.

 

I don't know how to get out of this funk!

[LN1987]

Hey I am with you.... I think of myself as having high self worth, have heaps of friends, am quite intelligent, good looking etc....

 

BUT. I am not happy atm (broken up 6 months) and seem to always be more comfortable, more energetic, more myself, happier, more content, when I have a SO. Sorry this doesnt help but I'm keen for some advice too!

[SpottiOtti]

This is a tough one. I used to feel that way too, but after a particularly bad relationship/breakup about five years ago, that thing inside me that needed a partner at all times got broken. I was single for several years after that, and I think the thing I liked most about being single was not having to work on anything, no drama, being able to be generally selfish with my time and what I spent it on. . . It was the first time I had been single for so long and not missed having a relationship. I remember looking back one day in my journal and being astonished that it had been two years since that guy and I split up. It went by in a blink.

 

What does "her" mean to you? What does "relationship" mean? What do they look like, what are their qualities? What needs do they serve?

 

From your post, it sort of sounds like you need to have a make-or-break "project", for lack of a better term, and that need is fed by being in relationships you have to "fight" for. If that interpretation is correct, where do you suppose that need comes from?

[HockeyFan]

Hey LN1987 -

I've read so many other posts on this forum, people going through the same thing - it's comforting to know that we're not alone - but when you're in the thick of it, you feel like everyone else has it figured out and you're the one missing something!

 

So you're 6 months single - have you been dating?

We are supposed to be happy, and find happiness being alone - before having that with a companion! We will find it when we're not looking for it. Argh.

 

I take everything so personal, I know that about myself - but enough is enough.

[HockeyFan]

Hi SpottiOtti -

I honestly don't know where that comes from - I'm trying to understand that about myself.

It's not right that I work so hard at something that doesn't make me truly happy! That's not normal - and I am trying to understand that about myself.

I was the one who put my foot down in my last relationship - because enough was enough. She didn't like that - she walked - and it was for the best. I couldn't take it anymore, and I wasn't happy - yet 2 months later, here I am...dealing with these feelings.

 

I too keep a journal..which helps. My goal is to try and understand me better, why I put myself through these situations when there is no need to do so. There are so many men/women out there....who cares if that one doesn't want to see me again - doesn't the fact that I wasn't really that interested in her either matter? Am I that desperate to NOT be alone that I will do anything, take anything? That's not right!

[Batya33]

I think it's fine to feel that you're happiest when in a healthy relationship. The problem is believing that you can only be happy if you have a partner even if you're settling or not really happy. It shouldn't stop you from leading a fun, fulfilling, active life while remaining proactive in looking for a healthy relationship. My cliche that worked for me (in hindsight) was "be the right person to find the right person".

[HockeyFan]

My last relationship was not healthy - I enjoyed the company, and the attention, but did not get anywhere close to the type of partner I needed in her. She was so many negative things, I felt much of the time like I was raising a child, didn't have a girlfriend.

 

I'm happier 'belonging' to someone - and being there for someone. My problem, is either I do so without consideration for myself and my feelings.....or....I try to give that to someone and they don't want it, so I get ripped apart by the rejection. There has to be a way to STOP doing things these - but I keep falling into the same trap. It's like I like the anguish!

[SpottiOtti]

Is this past relationship the first one you've ended? If so, I would imagine you're dealing with all kinds of feelings. The feelings you try to avoid when you desperately try to keep these relationships going you are now forced to confront. Which takes a lot of courage, and also a lot of mental effort. Feelings of failure perhaps for abandoning a project as well? And on top of all that it sounds like you are beginning to understand things about yourself that you did not consider before! Anyone would be feeling some strong emotions right about now in your shoes, I think.

 

I've learned that just because a relationship was not "the one", or just because it needed to end, does not mean you will go on your merry way and have no emotional response to it. Sometimes being the strong one is little consolation, because you feel guilty for hurting someone you cared about. Sometimes you know that you care for someone, but also know that they are not right for you. It doesn't take away all the time you spent together, or all the memories you have. Those memories are tied to emotion.

 

And sometimes strong emotions are not easy to handle. You have to ride them, just feel them. If you suppress them, they'll just come back. Take it from someone whose coping response has led to the emergence of some pretty strong stuff lately.

[HockeyFan]

Yes, this is the first relationship that I ended involving a woman I was very much in love with. Even to this day, I don't really know WHO ended it. I had enough, we argued a lot - she was very disrespectful with her actions and I wasn't going to stand for it. Finally, after yet another night of her going out partying and spending money from our joint account (because she wasn't working...I was supporting her to find something new, something she woudl enjoy and she chose to go drinking/partying all the time instead) - I said "I can't do this anymore, I've had enough". I had a few drinks that night, and let it all out - she argued with me, making no sense in her arguments - and in the end she gave me a hug and went to stay at her sisters. I...STILL....tried to make it work. I STILL wanted to work on US...as sick as that was! It was me saying to her "Are you calling it quits" and her responding "I think it's for the best, don't you?". I agreed - saying I can't work at a relationship by myself.

 

I am experiencing a ridiculous amount of emotions and feelings these past few months. The date I went on Friday night did me good...friday night....the rejection the next day (where I thought we hit it off, and she has completely ignored me)...it has brought back those emotions/feelings once again. Yeehaw!

[Stand Strong]

It's important to be just as happy alone as you are in a relationship. Relationships aren't meant to BE your life, but they are just meant ENHANCE/become A PART your life. Sort of like how you can enjoy a cake with no icing. Some people LOVE the icing so much that eating cake without icing seems ridiculous. Sure it tastes a lot better [to some] but if there was no cake what would the icing go on? People are just eating icing and tossing out the cake! You life is the cake. Try enjoying without the extra topping. I think relationships are a shortcut to feeling though happy endorphins[touch, kisses, etc]though you can get that same rush by enjoying life to the fullest [indulging in hobbies etc]

 

Off topic, but I think the main reason why many don't accomplish much in life is because their life revolves around relationships. It's understandable because like I said, kind of a "shortcut to temporary, but gratifying happiness". No matter what you should ALWAYS be responsible for your own happiness. True happiness comes from inside. Not attached to hobbies, people, achievements. It's actually is a CHOICE you can make.Takes a lot of mental energy and practice though in the end, it's worth it.

[Jetta]

I'm not happy single, but I work on myself which makes me happy. I however don't put up with crap just to be with someone, I did when I was married because I was married and believed marriage should be for life and crap was just part of the process. My aunt sent me a religious book that changed my tune.

 

As far as you situation, figure out what you're looking for, what you really want from a relationship and put it out to the universe it'll come eventually.

[Fudgie]

I'm happy single but I'm happiER with a good SO.

 

This cartoon I feel illustrates it well.

 

 

[Batya33]

Many people have life goals like mine -marriage and family, so I knew I wouldn't be as happy on my own as in a stable, happy marriage where we could do our best to start a family. I don't feel that that mindset is the least bit unhealthy. I was happy on my own too but I would have been lying to myself if I said I was just as happy alone as in a relationship. Even though I am married and have a child I know I am responsible for my own happiness. My life doesn't revolve around relationships -that's an extreme way to put a mindset of "I am happier in a healthy relationship than on my own".

[LAYAAN]

I'm not happy to be single at this age, but I'm definitely happy that I'm not in a dead-ended, toxic relationship.

I'm at a point in my life where I don't even want to talk much less see a man if I quickly get a sense that its not headed in the right direction.

But I have been in relationships before and I know that its a great relief to have all the time for myself and work till I drop and not be answerable to anyone else. I pray to God that He helps me build my life and work my hardest when I'm single and take my life personally and professionally where I want to see it go.

When in early 20s, I was still single and basically stopped living life, stopped working on my life because I was waiting to find a man and get married. I really really regret that. I am never going to get those wonderful 4 years of my life that I threw away waiting to get married to a man. I wish someone would have talked some sense into me then.

[Batya33]

I knew that the man who would want to marry me would value my passion for my career, that I loved being active socially and otherwise and that in general I was a doer more than a thinker so "waiting" in the passive sense, made no sense to me.

[LAYAAN]

Batya... you are right. Waiting passively is not helpful at all. I just wasted precious years of my life. I feel very sad about it. But I can't do anything but to look at that and learn from that and swear to myself that I will not repeat that mistake ever again.

When I was "waiting" passively like this, one day I met an accomplished physician. She asked me straight up "You say you want to do this and that. Let me ask you what have you done today that will take you even a step close to your goal, your aim, your dream? Wishing you is not going to get you where you want to go. Get up and start somewhere. Imagine if you had gotten your act together 5 years back, you would be done with your PhD by now."

I had no answer for her. I was ashamed of myself for being so passive. I was only hurting myself.

[Batya33]

Don't be ashamed! You gained so much insight since then.

[Polis]

Hockey, if you're still reading this, while I don't have as much experience with relationships or dating as you I have had a similar toxic situation where I stuck with this girl in this bizarre "relationship". After she kicked me to the curb I was crushed and missed her terribly, but now I realize that it's not really her I miss as much as the feeling of belonging and having someone. I know now that someday I'll find someone who will give me the same feeling. I haven't yet, and it's hard, but I am learning to appreciate the attention I am given when someone takes time out of their life to spend it with me, even if it's just one date.

[Stay_home]

I try to be happy either way. It's not the end of the world and after hearing some of the stories of my co-workers, friends and family members caught up with the wrong guy/gal because they settled and just wanted to be with somebody, anybody. No thanks.