A study about reconciliations

[Clumsy Llama]

So I've been reading posts on this site for years (even though I never posted!) and have noticed a need some real statistics or studies on relationships. I don't know if anyone has seen this, but I found this study on relational reconciliations and found it interesting. As usual, keep in mind that this is just one study and has many limitations. I can't seem to post the link but I'll summarize it because because most research articles are dry anyway. The article is called Romantic Reconciliation as Influenced by Implicit Theories of Relationships and Information Seeking Style and should be the first thing to come up on a google search.

 

 

 

People often gravitate towards one of these ways of thinking

 

Destiny Theorists - They believe people are either "meant to be" or not. They want to perceive their partner as "ideal". When they find a flaw or there is a negative event, they either ignore/reframe the flaw or separate (determining that the relationship is not meant to be, rather than repairing). They may have high expectations and be less satisfied because of this. They are more likely to believe that things (personality, traits..) are fixed.

 

Growth Theorists - These people believe that any relationship can be successful with work and dedication. They like to work on the problems and analyze the reasons for it. They are more likely to believe people and traits can be changed.

 

Information-Seeking Styles

 

Monitoring Monitors like to seek information, regardless of whether they are positive or not. I'm interpreting this as meaning those of you who like to stay in contact with your ex's and check up on them to get information (facebook, mutual friends, etc). They report lower anxiety with a larger amount of information/communication (reduces uncertainty). The researcher's theory was that growth theorists are more likely to be monitors, and this hypothesis was supported by the results.

 

Blunting Blunters prefer to not have any information. They would rather have a high level of uncertainty to avoid finding out something negative. They are more likely to ignore negative information and choose to focus on the positive. Hence, they are more likely to view the break-up in a positive way by reframing the event. The researcher's theory was that Destiny Theorists are more likely to be blunters. However, the results actually showed that this was not the case. Destiny Theorists were less likely to avoid information!

 

 

1) Growth theorists and Destiny theorists actually did not differ in the degree of desire for reconciliation, which is the opposite of the the researchers predicted.

 

2) Blunters are less likely to reconcile than Monitors. This may be do to the communication behaviors. Since blunters tend to avoid communication, they are less likely to reconcile. Monitors, on the other hand, tend to have increased interaction with their ex therefore "setting the stage" for reconciliation. This can be an interesting point to bring up in the NC debate.

 

3) Sample size was 217 students from general education classes at a unversity. I feel like this limits the study in many ways because most of the participants are probably in their early 20s and I don't feel that would accurately represent other age groups. All of these participants were required to have been in a break up within the last 4 months and the relationship must have lasted at least 4 weeks.

 

4) The average length of the relationships were 13 months. I find this VERY interesting. What do you think happens after a year? Do you think the year milestone puts stress and pressure on people? I think people, especially those commitment phobes, might panic or get bored after a year.

 

Anyway, I would love to hear your opinions on this! If you want more details, read the study. Where do you think you fall in these categories (of course you can be a little bit of both!)?

[Clumsy Llama]

Most relationships fail and most reconciliations are temporary at best and you don't need statistics or sample sizes or anything else to make that determination.

 

I don't really know if I believe in that. I know several couples who have broken up and gotten back together and know some who have not. This is not about that. It's just an interesting study. Research, no matter what kind, is always important.

[LAYAAN]

yeah i think this is too young of population.

[Deciduous]

Oh dear. I'm a monitor. Even when I've end the relationship, I monitor like mad. It isn't a conscious decision. I just wanna know. I neeeeed to know. As my feelings natural die down so does my monitoring. Fascination over.

 

I'm destiny theorist desperately trying to be a growth theorist.

[thelastsong]

Findings of the study aside, there's definitely something to be said about the theories there. The destiny vs. growth theorist reminds me of the thread about "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore." I think a growth theorist would be more likely to stick it out, but a destiny theorist yearns for that special spark or a relationship without flaws.

 

The question is how do we growth theorists convince all the destiny theorists that we are clearly correct and that they must change their mindset?

[Clumsy Llama]

Findings of the study aside, there's definitely something to be said about the theories there. The destiny vs. growth theorist reminds me of the thread about "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore." I think a growth theorist would be more likely to stick it out, but a destiny theorist yearns for that special spark or a relationship without flaws.

 

The question is how do we growth theorists convince all the destiny theorists that we are clearly correct and that they must change their mindset?

 

I think we would have a lot less people in this forum if we knew. I need to find a growth theorist just like me

[thelastsong]

I think we would have a lot less people in this forum if we knew. I need to find a growth theorist just like me

 

Well, I think there's something to be said for destiny theorists too. I probably have a tendency to settle for a lot less than I deserve and stubbornly hold on when it's time to just let go. (Again, another reason why I suspect most if not all of the people here are growth theorists.)

 

Wouldn't it be nice if there were a chick flick about growth theory instead of destiny theory?

[AutumnBorn]

....I'm destiny theorist desperately trying to be a growth theorist.

 

 

I'm a monitorer and growth theorist desperately trying to be a destiny theorist.

 

My ex is a destinist and blunter. In fact, he never showed any interest in learning anything about me.

[Lavender25]

I think I tend to lean towards being a growth theorist, but I'm getting better at recognizing that you can't "fix" everything or everybody. I'm also a monitor.

 

I think my last ex was a destinist. Blamed our breakup on a "lack of spark." . I think there were a lot of factors at play here, number one being his lack of experience in relationships. I expect that he's a monitor as well because I hear that he mentions me in conversations through mutual acquaintances.

 

I wonder if there is a study on how many destinists turn into growth theorists after more relationship experience?

[intotheself]

I was a destiny theorist, until my ex broke up with me. I used to doubt my feelings for him, as there was some doubt invovled. I suspected that he might not be the right one for me, otherwise I believed that I should have zero doubt. Having lost him, I realized that there is no 'meant to be together', and love is what we work for, there are people worth loving, even though they do not make you feel in love head over hills. My ex was the one who deserved my love, but it was foolish of me not to perceive that. My break up taught me a lot, about what love should be like. I will never ever 'fall' in love. I will let my relationship grow and evolve with someone who deserves my love, respect and effort. So all is not a loss at all.

[aminaSa]

2) Blunters are less likely to reconcile than Monitors. This may be do to the communication behaviors. Since blunters tend to avoid communication, they are less likely to reconcile. Monitors, on the other hand, tend to have increased interaction with their ex therefore "setting the stage" for reconciliation. This can be an interesting point to bring up in the NC debate.

 

 

In other words NC doesnt work if you want your ex back?

[endy]

In other words NC doesnt work if you want your ex back?

 

 

No That's not true at all. Plus most reconciliations DON'T work. I would say at least 85-90 percent fail. Look at divorce statistics. MANY people going through a divorce, especially with kids reconcile or try to. There are things to do to improve reconciliation. Like time and going NC and getting back on your feet IMO. In other words not NEEDING someone else because you are comfortable and confident being single.

 

How do you do that? NC, but once you get to that stage, and you can handle anything you can break NC. This is as a dumpee. I believe most reconciliations in a shorter amount of time are probably initiated by the dumper, not the dumpee. NC is NOT to get your ex back. It's to get YOU back, which will either get your ex back, or get you someone better if you do it the right way. I always recommend a year of NC AT LEAST 6 months. Most people probably aren't completely over a relationship in 6 months, or are still somewhat broken.

 

I don't think the type of whatever you are matters. I've seen NIC work for reconciliation as well, but even then most of the time there is not a third party involved. That's the issue with this article. Every situation although can probably be grouped is unique. So is everyone else's psychological makeup and their issues. You have people that rebound, people that cheat, people that lie, and other major issues why reconciliation should not be attempted and if it is... Those things are VERY hard if not impossible to move through. There's always skeletons in the closet unless a major amount of change, and time has gone by usually.

[lanaa]

NC for most of the people here seems to be a tool to get the ex back,i think LC should be used if you want the ex back..or NC for a time and then break the NC when ready

[endy]

Yeah, most people probably start it with the intention of getting the ex back. It all depends on how wise the person is or how or if they can accept it. Honestly, there's not a sure fire way to get your ex back. If there was, it would be all over this site, and well basically the majority of people would not be here. Seriously you slap yourself in the face if you don't heal.

 

Reasons being you're broken. Mutual trust is broken and gone (poison for a reconciliation). People think love itself can hold it together, and no it really can't. Most people confuse love with want and desire IMO. It takes mutual work and two people giving 110 percent. Most reconciliations fail after a few months, and the pain is even more than they felt before. You walk on egg shells etc. Getting back together after a few months, after a rebound or something among those terms is just not an option in my book. It is not usually worth it, unless you have a clear view on love, and so does your partner and your both not broken. You're both mentally healthy. Even then, WHY was it not worked out the first time?

 

Relationships end because of personal incompatibility, or needs not being meant over a long period of time. The ONLY way that changes is when you and your ex, but more importantly you first change, heal, and grow. If one person rebounds, jumps from relationship to relationship etc, those actions do not allow that to happen. THAT is exactly why an extended period of time needs to go by and BOTH need to learn and grow IMO until it's even worth it.

 

There have been THREE reconciliations I have seen on this site and one so far that I know has worked out for the long term so far. The only reconciliations I find successful is one that results in a long term relationship or marriage.

[lanaa]

There have been THREE reconciliations I have seen on this site and one so far that I know has worked out for the long term so far. The only reconciliations I find successful is one that results in a long term relationship or marriage.

 

I dont agree.Like i used to date one guy 1 year ago,he first broke up and 3 months later he wanted me back,then we were back together for 1 year and then i broke up.We were very young for marriage and the relationship ended because of other things then the first time.I dont see it as a nonsuccesfull reconciliation.

 

So its not all black and white

[dare12]

I don't think the type of whatever you are matters. I've seen NIC work for reconciliation as well, but even then most of the time there is not a third party involved. That's the issue with this article. Every situation although can probably be grouped is unique. So is everyone else's psychological makeup and their issues. You have people that rebound, people that cheat, people that lie, and other major issues why reconciliation should not be attempted and if it is... Those things are VERY hard if not impossible to move through. There's always skeletons in the closet unless a major amount of change, and time has gone by usually.

 

This I think answers my question at a tread opened earlier today! That a third party is certainly a barrier to any reconciliation attempt! Even thougth there are feelings between the two exs.

[Silverluxx]

What is NIC?

[thelastsong]

What is NIC?

 

Non-initiated contact, i.e. not contacting your ex until they contact you first.

[endy]

I dont agree.Like i used to date one guy 1 year ago,he first broke up and 3 months later he wanted me back,then we were back together for 1 year and then i broke up.We were very young for marriage and the relationship ended because of other things then the first time.I dont see it as a nonsuccesfull reconciliation.

 

So its not all black and white

 

 

Either way did it work out in the end? No, which makes it a non successful reconciliation in my book. The goal of a relationship is for it to thrive and eventually lead to marriage for most correct? I should have used the words the only reconciliations I CONSIDER successful. I agree though, that most people may look at it the way you described above. 3 months isn't very long to be broken up really either. Still in my book, it's a failed reconciliation. You got back together, it didn't work. You can say it's for whatever reason, but the ultimate fact IMO is it ended again.

 

In the case above I've seen many reconciliations. I've seen people go against advice over and over on here. I've watched people post getting back together stories etc after 3 months. ALL of them I have seen failed. The only successful one's I've seen on here which include for example DN, had a long period of seperation, and after time people changed... sparks flew again and it worked out as in marriage. Is that the end all be all? Absolutely not, but I would say that time and changing greatly increases the chances of the reconciliation being successful.

[intotheself]

I know a couple who got married in 10 years after break up. The couple met while studying abroad in Germany and broke up because the man was not interested in marriage. They returned to their home countries respectively and went their own ways. The man became a scholar and the woman became a diplomat and came back to Germany. They exchanged a couple of letters every year for holiday greetings. No contact except for that. In 10 years he visits her in Gemany out of blue. They got married soon. I like that they both did their best in their professional lives. What we can do is to be the best we can be.

[Clumsy Llama]

I was a destiny theorist, until my ex broke up with me. I used to doubt my feelings for him, as there was some doubt invovled. I suspected that he might not be the right one for me, otherwise I believed that I should have zero doubt. Having lost him, I realized that there is no 'meant to be together', and love is what we work for, there are people worth loving, even though they do not make you feel in love head over hills. My ex was the one who deserved my love, but it was foolish of me not to perceive that. My break up taught me a lot, about what love should be like. I will never ever 'fall' in love. I will let my relationship grow and evolve with someone who deserves my love, respect and effort. So all is not a loss at all.

 

I agree with you. I think you can have a successful relationship/marriage with multiple different people. I'm definitely a growth theorist and after being with a destiny theorist, I think I prefer my own kind.

[Clumsy Llama]

In other words NC doesnt work if you want your ex back?

 

That's what this study implies. I wouldn't take it as the holy grail though. However, I think in many situations complete NC may not work for reconciliations. That's just my opinion.

[endy]

That's what this study implies. I wouldn't take it as the holy grail though. However, I think in many situations complete NC may not work for reconciliations. That's just my opinion.

 

NC isn't TO get your ex back. It's to get YOU back. After you get you back who cares who you contact? That's the whole damn point of it. You'll be ok to contact your ex, or any ex for that matter. Or you'll be ready as a person for a new relationship. It's about becoming attractive again, independent, and strong on your own two feet....

 

Think about it... If you remain NC forever and they don't contact you... one of you has to break. The point of it is to break the NC when you're good and damn ready for anything. That's why tons of time is not a bad thing. If it works out it works out. If not you're ready for your next relationship. It's a win win situation for a dumpee.

[Oneironaut]

Destiny Theorists - They believe people are either "meant to be" or not. They want to perceive their partner as "ideal". When they find a flaw or there is a negative event, they either ignore/reframe the flaw or separate (determining that the relationship is not meant to be, rather than repairing). They may have high expectations and be less satisfied because of this. They are more likely to believe that things (personality, traits..) are fixed.

 

Growth Theorists - These people believe that any relationship can be successful with work and dedication. They like to work on the problems and analyze the reasons for it. They are more likely to believe people and traits can be changed.

 

Hmm...I'd have to say I'm 75% Destiny, 25% Growth.

 

As far as reconciliations, tomorrow will be 7 months since my boyfriend asked to try again, after a 6.5 month breakup, following a 1.5 year relationship, lol...if that made any sense.

 

We've definitely encountered some bumps, including a recent one, but for the most part we are getting along great. When we do encounter a "bump", we work through it quite well by keeping the lines of communication open and talking things through.

 

I did find out that one time in the last 7 months he considered breaking up with me, but decided not to, and said he's glad now that he hung in there.

 

Anyhow, just my 3 cents.

[thelastsong]

NC isn't TO get your ex back. It's to get YOU back. After you get you back who cares who you contact? That's the whole damn point of it. You'll be ok to contact your ex, or any ex for that matter. Or you'll be ready as a person for a new relationship. It's about becoming attractive again, independent, and strong on your own two feet....

 

Think about it... If you remain NC forever and they don't contact you... one of you has to break. The point of it is to break the NC when you're good and damn ready for anything. That's why tons of time is not a bad thing. If it works out it works out. If not you're ready for your next relationship. It's a win win situation for a dumpee.

 

I think a lot of people (including myself) go into NC for the wrong reasons, but Endy has it exactly right. It's to get yourself back. Ultimately, you cannot control another person's actions or change their beliefs. You can, however, fix your own behavior and outlook on life. Instead of taking care of someone else, you finally have the time to take care of yourself.