Sex with the ex.

[Di84]

I really hate to write this post and share this pathetic story of mine, because I am ashamed and really hate to remind myself of what I did this past week, but I need some opinions here on this whole situation. I feel like i've let myself down ...and well many of you here too as you have all tried to help me so much and I cracked all over again with my ex. Brace yourself for this story....

 

I went into complete NC with my ex for about 3.5 months after he told me back in june that he was seeing someone new. HE asked me to leave him alone and I finally stuck by my word and did. I knew I had to heal and move on. He was a big part of my life (we were together for 4 yrs) and I loved him a lot, but i knew it was time for me to let him go after months of being depressed that he no longer loved me or respected me. I spent the entire summer traveling Europe, and working on myself to be a better me. A happier me like i used to be.... and I achieved it. I was happy, I was going out again, I was meeting people and finding my self worth again. I told myself I would never let myself fall that hard again and NEVER chase someone and lose track of my self-worth and dignity. Well fast forward to last Sunday. ..

 

Me ex sent me a msg on FB asking how I was as it had been a while. I ended up sending him an email on Thursday at work asking how he was and how his summer was. He told me he was glad to see I didn't still hate him now and asked how i was feeling these days. I told him I never hated him but I really couldn't stand him. We continued conversing lightly and then i told him that I really missed him sometimes. He told me he missed me too and thought of me, but hoped I wasn't still sad about things. I told him I wasn't that time healed all my pain.... which it did....but that doesn't change the fact that I still love him.

 

This is where things get pathetic....

On friday night i ended up texting him saying "Hey - I know this is forward...but any way i can see you". I didn't think he would reply to that as I believe he is still seeing this same girl and I felt horrible for doing such a stupid thing. He ended up replying saying "hey- no its not too forward. Im busy for a coupled hours though...". Long story short, he ended up texting me later in the night while I was out for drinks with a friend. I end up at his place and when I walked in he asked me to get closer to him so he could kiss me hello. We ended up having sex (and it was pretty intense). As I had been drinking he said he would call a cab ( i was kind of hurt that he was sending me home rather than asking me to sleep over - however i realize i am his ex and dont belong there...nor did i want to wake up next to him in the morning either as it would hjust be too hurtful to have to get up and leave when usually we would have breakfast together). He ended up falling asleep and so did I but I woke up and as I was getting up out of his bed, he put his hand on my back as if not to go. But I got up, got dressed, (he fell back asleep) and I left his place.

 

I haven't contacted him since and I haven't heard from him either. The thing is.. .I know it sounds as though we both just used each other for sex, but my feelings were there and i ended up hurting myself over this. I'm no longer crying over him or wishing he'd come back to me, but i miss him and wish we could have been. I feel horrible about this and I can't say I feel used because I asked for it, but I am just messed up over him again and thinking of him. After we had sex we said "are we making a mistake"? I didn't reply.

 

Guys - I know what i did is bad for me emotionally. I am able to handle this a lot better than i would have 3 months ago but I am still hurt over him and wish he would care about me. I have no intentions of getting in touch with him again and am back in strict NC as I have nothing to say to him. I guess I am just looking for some thoughts on this situation ? What could he be thinking right now? If I don't contact him , would he think of being in touch with me again?

 

Thanks for all your replies.

[22n32]

He doesn't have to care about u.. because u come to him and give him sex without him putting in effort..

 

Just because u miss him and wanted his attention..

 

Good rule don't give urself to someone, before there willing too show the effort.. otherwise sex coming to a guys door is easy for him.

 

Plus giving him sex is like giving him a reward.. and all he remebers is I did nothing. I will contuine doing this and maybe I will be rewarded again..

[AutumnBorn]

I think he might be thinking that if he ever wanted to hook up again, you might be open to it.

 

If he contacts you again, what are you going to say? Is he still seeing the other woman?

[Di84]

No - this was a one time deal. If he were to contact me again for that I would have to be straight up with him and tell him I cannot go there anymore with him that I need to disconnect and stay that way unless he did some soul searching and wanted me, otherwise to just stay out of my life. I don't want to be used and I am not really that type of person. I had a moment and just wanted to sleep with him again. I don't know if he is still seeing the other woman, I didn't ask him any personal questions.

[Di84]

And if he is still seeing the other girl..i would assume it is not going so well because would he really sleep with his ex if it was going well? I highly doubt it.

[Di84]

The thing is I can't tell him how I feel anymore. I did that for 7 months after we broke up - crying, begging, and crying some more. I'm done with that stuff. However, I am still human. I still have feelings and I still get hurt by this.I don't know what to do. I feel like I am suffering inside now knowing I have to act like i dont care and go on again with NC. I don't have any other choice and it sucks.

[AutumnBorn]

And if he is still seeing the other girl..i would assume it is not going so well because would he really sleep with his ex if it was going well? I highly doubt it.

 

I think a lot of men can and will have sex at any and every opportunity if they're not in a committed relationship with a woman. It's not cheating if you aren't exclusive.

[Di84]

Well that's what i mean. If he has been seeing her for 4 months and sleeping with her, I would assume she would want to be exclusive at this point. If he hasn't given her that title, well he just isn't that into her IMO.

[symbiot]

I think a lot of men can and will have sex at any and every opportunity if they're not in a committed relationship with a woman. It's not cheating if you aren't exclusive.

 

And some people don't care about anyone but themselves. It was a feeble for him.

[AutumnBorn]

And some people don't care about anyone but themselves. It was a feeble for him.

 

True words.

[Di84]

Why would he ask if we were "making a mistake"? Did he think it was because it would hurt me all over again? Should I tell him how I am feeling or just keep moving forward?

[kuteknish]

Girl... you know this was a bad idea and now you have backtracked and are analyzing again.. time to buckle up, commit to not doing that again and go back to NC and moving on.

[Di84]

Girl... you know this was a bad idea and now you have backtracked and are analyzing again.. time to buckle up, commit to not doing that again and go back to NC and moving on.

 

You're right. I know this. Back to NC for good. I was already in NC for good until he msgd me and messed me up. I'll take this as a mistake, learn from it, and not do it again.

[kuteknish]

I can imagine how you and your heart must feel right now, but yes.. you lived it, you will learn from it.. be strong and brush it off... keep moving forward.

[symbiot]

Why would he ask if we were "making a mistake"? Did he think it was because it would hurt me all over again? Should I tell him how I am feeling or just keep moving forward?

 

He got a good time and wanted to keep you at a distance.

[Deciduous]

Hi Di84,

 

Stop the self-flagelation. We all make mistakes. You're not the first girl to fall into bed with their ex and regret it in the morning. You're still on the road to recovery. Healing will come. You just had a minor hiccup, but you are strong and determined enough to power through.

 

A little self forgiveness is in order here. You cannot help yourself with self-ridicule. A mistake was made. We all make 'em! Close the book on it. Head high!

 

Sure, it's natural to wonder what he is thinking. What it means to him? But in your heart of hearts, you know if he was planning to come back, he would have. It stings because you imagined you have embaressed yourself in front of him.

 

The plain and simple truth is he behaved like a douche. He knew you were vulnerable and decided to toss common decency aside for break-up sex. Douche! Douche! Douche! Don't think about whether you impressed him. Think about whether he impressed you, with the sleazy "Why don't you come over to my place?" He had a shwed idea of where it was going.

 

Do unto others and as you would have them do to you? Did he do that? Nope. Stop feeling shame and start feeling angry. He behaved in highly selfish manner. Did you deserve that? Nope.

 

Yes, your heart/groin weren't working in your best interests. You live and learn. You've already got the message. Okay, this didn't make you feel great about yourself. Use that negative feeling to get you to a positive place. A place where you cut him off cold. Bye-bey! Know your limits. You had a LTR with the man and he is still catnip to you. You can't trust yourself around him so out he goes. Cut off all contact. Let him be ashamed of himself.

 

You don't need his good thoughts and approval to survive. Like he can judge you. Forgive yourself. It's done and dusted. Get back on that road to recovery and keep going until you get there.

 

All the best

 

Deci

[Di84]

hey Deci -Thanks so much for your reply. I actually had a bit of a cry reading it. I know I have to forgive myself and there was part of me that felt angry after it all. That he knew how hurt I had been in the past, knew I was likely having a weak moment because he reached out to me, and went with it. I am sure he is aware that I am hurting right now but this time I have not confirmed it by calling him and crying. I have just dissapeared again. It is so hard to believe that someone I spent 4 years with could treat me like I am a random girl he picked up in a bar and never call me again. Just makes me realize more and more what kind of a person he really is.

I want a loving relationship with someone that I can sleep with, who will call me the next morning and care about my feelings and not disrespect me. I'm not a child, I am a grown woman for God's sake. I have taken so much crap from him in the passed but I won't be that girl anymore and cry to him. I am working through these waves of pain again but am sure I will get through this much quicker than before.

[ChocoBears]

As I replied in another thread, this happened to me too. Perhaps this is the weekend/week for sex with the ex. For some odd reason, I don't feel that bad about it. Or maybe I'm just trying really hard to not feel bad and suppressing how bad it is, or maybe I have a different perspective on it. I see that the sex was good, and that I enjoyed it. I see that I should not have done it because I feel like I gave him more "power." I see that he may "devalue" me a bit. But I also see that he is not someone I truly want, so this sort of erases whatever power or hold or sadness this act has on me. I don't feel pained by it, rather, I feel like, "damn it, I shouldn't have been so easy." But at the same time, I really enjoyed it. I see him as someone who is incapable of giving me what I want, so I don't feel that bad that he doesn't want to reconcile. I kind of see it as a blessing that he does not want to get back together, because if we got back together, I'd be back in a miserable relationship with a subpar partner. I think once you don't put him on a pedestal or care that much about what he thinks about you, the effects won't be so powerful. Of course a part of me (like my ego) expects and wants my ex to contact me, but if he does not, I will still know that I don't want him and I will go NC.

[Benville]

Deci's post is spot on. You need to stop thinking of how's and why's (which you seem to be) and just accept it was a mistake and get back on the road to healing. We all stray from said road sometimes, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, but the important thing is to get back on it and not head down the path of analysis and self-criticality.

[FaithfulHeart]

happy to have stumbled upon this because Di84, i have done the same, girlfriend. except having only just broken up 6 months ago (after a 6 year relationship), i willingly allowed the sex to continue for a time because i was the one that left, i felt guilty for the way it ended (sorta outta the blue, packing up my stuff, outta the house within days), and i had moved to a place where all i cared to do was focus on my own stuff for a while. i was happy he could be a part of it.

 

my regret was what happened in the last few weeks, when i made a move to live with a friend (a girlfriend, going through a divorce), and even after i clearly said "we're done!" when i moved in there, he shows up at late hours, in drunken stupors and babbling all the right words ("i've saved every letter you've ever written me", "miss you", "our time apart has been good for the both of us", "i'm moving temporarily to blahblah city, but can be talked out of it") which in my mind meant, "awwww, he truly misses me." NOPE. it was all a textbook example of how to get laid by your exgirlfriend. jeez. i feel like such a dope. i feel used, and genuinely angry that he took advantage of my vulnerability.

 

of course, i'm mad at myself too. i broke my own rules.

 

all of the advice offered up to you here, i will take on as well. time to get back on the path of living. WITHOUT HIM.

[kristenjo]

This also happened to me a few months ago...with an ex from 4 years ago. He was on a break with his girlfriend and we ended up hooking up. It gave me a lot of closure. I realized that whatever we had special was over, basic lust was taking over in its place. Think of that and don't beat yourself over it please sweetie.