Di84 Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 I really hate to write this post and share this pathetic story of mine, because I am ashamed and really hate to remind myself of what I did this past week, but I need some opinions here on this whole situation. I feel like i've let myself down ...and well many of you here too as you have all tried to help me so much and I cracked all over again with my ex. Brace yourself for this story.... I went into complete NC with my ex for about 3.5 months after he told me back in june that he was seeing someone new. HE asked me to leave him alone and I finally stuck by my word and did. I knew I had to heal and move on. He was a big part of my life (we were together for 4 yrs) and I loved him a lot, but i knew it was time for me to let him go after months of being depressed that he no longer loved me or respected me. I spent the entire summer traveling Europe, and working on myself to be a better me. A happier me like i used to be.... and I achieved it. I was happy, I was going out again, I was meeting people and finding my self worth again. I told myself I would never let myself fall that hard again and NEVER chase someone and lose track of my self-worth and dignity. Well fast forward to last Sunday. .. Me ex sent me a msg on FB asking how I was as it had been a while. I ended up sending him an email on Thursday at work asking how he was and how his summer was. He told me he was glad to see I didn't still hate him now and asked how i was feeling these days. I told him I never hated him but I really couldn't stand him. We continued conversing lightly and then i told him that I really missed him sometimes. He told me he missed me too and thought of me, but hoped I wasn't still sad about things. I told him I wasn't that time healed all my pain.... which it did....but that doesn't change the fact that I still love him. This is where things get pathetic.... On friday night i ended up texting him saying "Hey - I know this is forward...but any way i can see you". I didn't think he would reply to that as I believe he is still seeing this same girl and I felt horrible for doing such a stupid thing. He ended up replying saying "hey- no its not too forward. Im busy for a coupled hours though...". Long story short, he ended up texting me later in the night while I was out for drinks with a friend. I end up at his place and when I walked in he asked me to get closer to him so he could kiss me hello. We ended up having sex (and it was pretty intense). As I had been drinking he said he would call a cab ( i was kind of hurt that he was sending me home rather than asking me to sleep over - however i realize i am his ex and dont belong there...nor did i want to wake up next to him in the morning either as it would hjust be too hurtful to have to get up and leave when usually we would have breakfast together). He ended up falling asleep and so did I but I woke up and as I was getting up out of his bed, he put his hand on my back as if not to go. But I got up, got dressed, (he fell back asleep) and I left his place. I haven't contacted him since and I haven't heard from him either. The thing is.. .I know it sounds as though we both just used each other for sex, but my feelings were there and i ended up hurting myself over this. I'm no longer crying over him or wishing he'd come back to me, but i miss him and wish we could have been. I feel horrible about this and I can't say I feel used because I asked for it, but I am just messed up over him again and thinking of him. After we had sex we said "are we making a mistake"? I didn't reply. Guys - I know what i did is bad for me emotionally. I am able to handle this a lot better than i would have 3 months ago but I am still hurt over him and wish he would care about me. I have no intentions of getting in touch with him again and am back in strict NC as I have nothing to say to him. I guess I am just looking for some thoughts on this situation ? What could he be thinking right now? If I don't contact him , would he think of being in touch with me again? Thanks for all your replies. Link to comment
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