Should I tell my boyfriend what I did?

[KarlaW52]

My boyfriend and I spend pretty much everyday together. I stay the night at his house almost every night and we usually text eachother if we work. I stayed the night at his house last night like i normally do, and I had to work at 7am this morning. When I left for work my boyfriend said he would text me when he woke up later (he was going back to sleep). We normally just text eachother when we wake up if the other is working. At 10:20 I was on my break at work and I got on facebook on my phone, and it said my boyfriend was online on chat on facebook, which meant he was awake obviously. But he hadn't texted me yet. I went ahead and messaged him on facebook and said "What are you doing" and I got no response so I said "I'm confused" I still got no response from him. I logged off then back on, it said he was offline now. Then I did that again and logged back in and it said he was online again. I was thinking maybe my phone was just messing with me. So then I texted him on the phone and said "I thought you were going to text me when you woke up" then said "I'm kinda mad now"

Two minutes later he texted me saying "you just woke me up with your text, I'm so confused I was going to text you when I woke up"

We argued a little bit about why facebook said he was online when he apparently was not. I felt like he was being weird about it. I have a key to his apartment so I acted crazy and drove over there just to look at his computer history to see what time he was on or not. (he was at work at the time) and I looked at his history and sure enough he was awake at 10:12am checking email etc. He was also on facebook at 10:16, but he told me he didnt wake up until i texted him which was at 10:20.

I have not told him about what I did and Im not sure if I should. I would not be mad if he would have just told me the truth and said "i was going to text you just forgot" or whatever, but instead he said he wasnt awake or on computer, when his history says he was. I talked to my mom about this and she said to let it go this time because it's not a big deal. I am just mad that he made me feel bad for thinking he was lying to me, when he actually was and he knew it (according to his history). I dont understand why he would lie about being awake or not.

Should I tell him I looked through his computer? I feel like that's a bad idea but I want to know what other people think. I went with my gut feeling and it was right. It's not a huge deal that he was awake I just don't like that he lied to me. He also asked if I looked through it and I said no. I was going to tell him later in person but am not sure that's the right thing to do.

[DN]

I think you should tell him you went on his computer and invaded his privacy so he can decide if he still wants to be with you or not.

[Baudilaire]

Perhaps he forgot to text you but noticed that it looked bad that you'd seen him on fb so decided to make something up. You obviously have trust issues and I think it strange that you told his mum and she didn't find that a bit weird. I wouldn't recommend telling him but if you do I hope it doesn't backfire

[blackhawks1287]

Wow...

 

You just need to relax...

[KarlaW52]

I think you should tell him you went on his computer and invaded his privacy so he can decide if he still wants to be with you or not.

 

I know I shouldnt have done that. I regret it and I knew it was the wrong thing to do. Now that I did it, I don't understand why he lied.

[AutumnBorn]

Forget it.

[Firiel]

Ummmm... you should get a hold on your suspicion and jealously, first of all. You say that it wouldn't be a big deal if he didn't text you when he woke up-- that it was the lie that bugged you. But then you admit to texting him "I'm kinda mad now" when you saw him "awake" and online. I leave my computer on a lot, and sometimes I don't log out of facebook. Sometimes it will show me online when I'm really not. Sometimes facebook would display my husband as online when he really wasn't.

 

I think you should tell your boyfriend that you drove to his house, let yourself in, and checked him computer history to see when he woke up. He should have the right to decide if he wants to be in that kind of controlling, suspicious relationship.

[DN]

He lied because he didn't want to get into an argument about why he didn't message you when he woke up. People tend to do that if they feel they are being pressured or controlled.

 

You seem to think this minor lie is worse than your snooping.

[amipushy]

I agree with Firiel and DN. Actually going around to his house and snooping was going too far, and he only lied because he knew that it would turn into an argument. If you dont get this under control, this is going to end badly.

[Fudgie]

Holy crap. You did what? I think you have some trust issues here. You have to look at what happened. He probably just forgot to text you, woke up to check email/FB and then you started freaking out so he made up a lie. He may have felt that you would have freaked out MORE if he said "oops I forgot".

 

you're right, what you did was just crazy. You need to get a hold of yourself here.

[KarlaW52]

I am not going to tell him what I did or question this because it isn't worth talking about anymore, both of us have gotten upset all day and im surprised he isnt tired of me, he said Im not even close to pushing him away or being tired of me. I still can't stop crying now. I don't know why I feel so sad.

[DN]

I had a suspicion you would not tell him. I have to say I feel sorry for him.

[Fudgie]

I feel bad for him too. I think it will happen again if you don't get help for your insecurity and trust issues.

 

He deserves to know if his girlfriend is going to rifle through all of his stuff everytime he doesn't text her back.

[Ariel85]

OMG - this is straight up nuts, girl!

 

You really calculated where he was and what he was doing to the MINUTE?

 

Honestly, if you're this controlling and smothering, I can see why he lied.

[PhilliesFan001]

What you did is pretty scary IMO. First off, being mad at him for not texting you straight after he gets up is alarming. Driving to his place to check his internet history was a COMPLETE overreaction and seriously insane behavior. If I were your boyfriend and you told me you did that, I would be so freaked out by it. Get some control over your behavior.

[PhilliesFan001]

Also, you're upset he lied to you - but you lied also. He asked if you looked through his computer and you said no, which is a lie. How can you possibly judge him for that?

 

He probably lied because he knew if you thought that he was awake and hadn't texted you yet, you'd get irrationally upset, which you did. I can't say I blame him.

[jenny_mcs]

What you did is pretty scary IMO. First off, being mad at him for not texting you straight after he gets up is alarming. Driving to his place to check his internet history was a COMPLETE overreaction and seriously insane behavior. If I were your boyfriend and you told me you did that, I would be so freaked out by it. Get some control over your behavior.

 

Seriously, this is one of the nuttiest things I have ever heard on ENA. I agree with PhillieFan- get a grip on yourself or you are going to be dumped really soon. Good Lord.

[greywolf]

If you are one to overreact to little things (and it looks like you are), I can see why your boyfriend lied. It doesn't look like you've created an environment where he feels safe to tell the truth. That doesn't mean what he did was ok, because I don't think lying is cool, but what you did was far worse.

 

Also, you say he was up at 10:12 checking emails and then you texted him at 10:20. That means as far as you know, he up for less than 10 minutes. You really expect him to text you the instant he wakes up?

[KarlaW52]

If you are one to overreact to little things (and it looks like you are), I can see why your boyfriend lied. It doesn't look like you've created an environment where he feels safe to tell the truth. That doesn't mean what he did was ok, because I don't think lying is cool, but what you did was far worse.

 

Also, you say he was up at 10:12 checking emails and then you texted him at 10:20. That means as far as you know, he up for less than 10 minutes. You really expect him to text you the instant he wakes up?

 

Is there any way to make it so he does feel safe to tell the truth after this?

[KarlaW52]

She acted crazy but he lied.

 

Either problem by itself is enough to trash the relationship but now it's X2.

 

I give this one about another month at best.

 

No relationship is perfect. And I am getting help for my trust issues. I know we will be together for far longer than just another month.

[KarlaW52]

Why did he keep saying "I want to know that you will never question me again about if I am lying and I want you to promise you will trust me" He said it three different times today.

[Tanzi]

I think you should tell him you went on his computer and invaded his privacy so he can decide if he still wants to be with you or not.

 

I agree. I think your behaviour was a little OTT simply because he didn't text you the minute he woke up. Granted he didn't help himself by lying but if he knew that you would react like this maybe its understandable why he didn't tell the truth.

[Tanzi]

I still can't stop crying now. I don't know why I feel so sad.

 

Because you feel bad for over-reacting? For snooping? For causing an argument about Facebook unnecessarily? Because he has been gracious about it? Because you probably won't tell him the full truth?

[Tanzi]

Is there any way to make it so he does feel safe to tell the truth after this?

 

Why did he keep saying "I want to know that you will never question me again about if I am lying and I want you to promise you will trust me" He said it three different times today.

 

Do you often question him? Do you often mistrust him when he doesn't do exacly what you think he should do? Because if you do, that could be the reason behind these questions. Perhaps he has had enough. Questionning his every move and then creating arguements (as you did here before the snooping etc) will come accross as controlling and will be extremely unhealthy to the relationship. I wouldn't become too complacent about your actions if I were you. I know you said you will be together for far longer than a month but I would take those questions as a warning.

 

If you can stop with the questions and stop with the interrogation everytime he does something different to what YOU expect of him then that might help make him feel safe NOT to have to lie.

 

When you saw that he was logged into Facebook the first thing you said was "what are you doing?". Not even a "hello" or "good morning"! That suggests that he wasn't allowed to be on Facebook simply because he hadn't text you first and suggests controlling behaviour on your part. The poor guy probably panicked which is why he didn't answer. Or maybe he wasn't at his computer when you sent those messages on chat. You assume he was ignoring you but that may not have been the case at all. If he was away then he would have come back to his computer to find that you had signed out ... so whats to question as to why he signed out? Whatever, what followed thereafter was totally unnecessary and if situations like this keep happening then it won't be long before he will have had enough.

 

How do you know that he didn't wake up and go grab a drink or go to the toilet and switch on his computer as he walked by and then quickly checked FB on his way back. Are you seriously suggesting that this guy should have text you immediately he opened his eyes? He can text you anytime, does it have to be immediately?

[KarlaW52]

I don't question him often actually. I have a few times but it's not very often. Ever since this whole thing happened, I seem to question things (not to him, but think about them to myself). I keep worrying he will pull away from me after all this, but he isn't acting any different toward me at all, he seems perfectly happy and normal like he has been. Maybe it's because I feel guilty for what I did and didn't tell him about it that's making me feel weird. He has talked about marrying me before and did last night again making comments like "I'm going to sing this song at our wedding" and asking if I want to move in with him next year. Those questions he asked could be a warning, but I think we can come back from that and have a better relationship from now on. I am seeing a counselor about my trust issues.

 

I really need to think before I speak and not get so worked up when I don't know any of the facts. I am not saying that he should have to text me immediately when he opens his eyes or when he wakes up. I just don't see why he wouldn't want to text me when he wakes up. I feel like if he doesn't do something, it means he doesn't want to.