Stay with him or break up at my age?

[littlewings]

I've been seeing a guy for a few months now. I find him attractive and I like his work ethic and dedication to his hobbies (music, gardening, cleaning and fixing things around his apartment, etc). So far, he's also been very kind and gentlemanly to me. I actually was not that attracted to him when I first met him but grew to like him more and more as we continued dating.

 

On the other hand, I find that we are completely different people. I was fine with this as we were dating casually until now, but it's starting to worry me as I feel like we might settle into something more routine.

 

1) He has a hobby of smoking pot

I don't have a huge problem with this and I know it's quite common these days, but it does make me raise my eyebrows a little. I have a lot of coworkers and friends that do occasionally smoke and it doesn't really bother me too much (I've done it myself occasionally), it's also not as if he forces me to do it with him either. His personality doesn't change either or anything like that. If he were to do harder drugs (which he has confirmed that he doesn't), I'd be much more upset.

 

2) He doesn't want to have children

I'm not sure if I do either, but I sort of want to have the option to.

 

3) He has some credit card debt from when he was younger

This is a pretty big flag for me, although I can understand being young and not understanding the value of money. I'm in much higher debt myself, although mine is more on the educational side of things versus his credit cards. From what I know about him, his credit score is fine since he makes at least minimal payments and he's proven himself to be a pretty frugal person nowadays (always looking for major discounts before making big purchases and etc). He still spends some money on recreational things and I wish I could point at this and say "You should NOT be spending at all if you are already in debt!" but I myself have been known to spend much more on vacations or fancy dinners despite having to pay back my own loans...

 

4) He's not as well educated as me

It might sound superficial, but college education is something that matters to my family a lot. Despite not having a degree though, he is a store manager and can hold his own in the world, although I feel pretty certain that he doesn't make as much as I do.

 

Yesterday, I had a conversation about this with a good friend. Without ever actually meeting him and listening to my concerns, she believes that I am too old (I'm 27) to be dating this guy (he's 30), especially if he doesn't seems to want kids and doesn't have his financial life together. In other words, I don't have time to wait around for him to get his life together (the biological clock is ticking). She also says that there are "plenty of other fish in the sea"...at least while you're still in your 20's. She believes that I "have the looks and education to marry someone well-off enough to not have to work for the rest of my life."

 

On the other hand, I'm really attracted to his personality. For most of my life and because of my career, I tend to meet a lot of guys that are too timid, indecisive and shy to really interest me, whereas he is a direct person that knows what he wants, what he needs to do, etc. If I let him go, I'm afraid that I won't be able to meet someone like him again.

 

Is it bad that I want to stay with him (at least for a little while) so I can experience a relationship with this type of guy? Am I really too old to be spending my time on him?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Mesemene]

If the only thing that's worrying you is basically stuff that's on paper, I'd ride it out, see where it goes.

 

It doesn't sound like he's really irresponsible now, though he may have learned the hard way and still be paying the price. Education? Well, if he's intelligent enough to hold conversations with you that interest you, and can keep up with your interests - that matters a whole lot less than the piece of paper. I'm pretty big on any guy I'm with needing to have a strong mind/intellect - and a PhD doesn't always help, I've been bored to tears by well educated guys that had absolutely no interest or conversational ability about life.

 

He says he doesn't want children, which could be being upfront, could be a stage in life, could be something that would change in a strong relationship. Even taking it at face value though - you're not looking to rush into something just to silence your clock, you want a relationship that'll last. It's a bridge to worry about crossing much later, if things start actually looking serious.

 

Smoking pot could be a deal breaker, but it really depends on how you feel about it. You say it doesn't bother you.

 

Honestly - if things aren't going to work out, there's plenty of time to see it. A relationship isn't like writing up a blueprint to have a house built - even if everything was great on paper, if you're not compatible and don't LIKE the person enough to make a life with them, then it would REALLY be a waste of your time. I'd see where it goes unless you want to try to use a dating site to custom-order details you want in a potential mate

[breath.o.fresh.air]

You say you are very different people, but that you are attracted to his personality. I'm not sure I'm clear on how you're different - is it your core values or your personality itself? If it's core values I'd be a touch more concerned, but it seems like you're OK with his CURRENT financial habits,and his habits (which are definitely not going to change). I'm not sure how important kids are to you, so that one is completely your call. It'd be a total dealbreaker for me, but that being said, I have a friend who actually LOOKS for this in guys because she doesn't think she ever wants kids of her own. In terms of employment is education important for you as it's a signal for intelligence or for financial reasons. They are two very different components, and may be worth considering why post-secondary is so important to you. Also, would he ever be willing to upgrade his education in the future, and/or are you comfortable being the primary breadwinner. You have to be comfortable with your role in the relationship, so these are all important things to consider.

 

Your friend seems like she's looking for a more traditional family role, but what are YOU looking for? You have to keep in mind that what's good for her may not be good for you - and take her advice with a grain of salt/considering what she wants vs. what you want out of relationships.

 

 

 

As far as this goes, no way!!! You're not too old to do anything at all! you're only 27, and different people need different things at different times. That being said, I personally consider it important to date somebody who is at a similar maturity level/stage as you are so you can grow together. I also think value alignment is kind of important. I don't see dating this guy as waiting around at all, but rather keeping an open mind and figuring out what you want - and if he can fulfill those needs for you. There are always plenty of fish in the sea, so don't feel like you're rushing into anything, and take the time to figure out what you want/need/value, and how these align with his. IF they don't, then you can leave.

[littlewings]

Thanks for the comments.

 

I'm not sure I'm clear on how you're different - is it your core values or your personality itself?

In this aspect, it's more like hobbies and interests. For example, I'm a very techie, computers and gadgets person and he's sort of a musically-inclined, gardening hippie. Odd couple I guess, but I feel like it'll introduce me to new things...and for some reason we can watch movies and documentaries together without much issue.

 

The only core value thing I'm really concerned about is the "having kids" thing (although like I said, I'm not sure if I want them myself) and his finances (which he seems like he's working on...he's told me that he doesn't use credit cards anymore).

 

Smoking pot could be a deal breaker, but it really depends on how you feel about it. You say it doesn't bother you.

He's told me straight up that he's had girls leave him because of it in the past. It's not a deal breaker for me, although I'm not pleased with it either. Offhandedly, he did criticize himself about it once in front of me, saying that he needs to stop/grow out of it, so I guess that's encouraging.

 

Your friend seems like she's looking for a more traditional family role, but what are YOU looking for?

Actually, up until the point where I met this guy I think I may have been mentally preparing myself for a life of singlehood, lol.

[breath.o.fresh.air]

it's more like hobbies and interests.

 

i don't think differences in hobbies/interests is a deal-breaker as long as you're both open to new things, and there is some common ground. Obviously, if you don't have any common ground you'd never be able to do things that you both enjoy. However, you can always develop new hobbies/interests together. Try something both of you think could be fun, for example, but have never explored. It sounds like you're open to learning about his interests though, and as long as this is mutual, I think the diversity can actually add alot to a potential relationship (that being said, I like to learn new things, lol).

 

The only core value thing I'm really concerned about is the "having kids" thing (although like I said, I'm not sure if I want them myself) and his finances (which he seems like he's working on...he's told me that he doesn't use credit cards anymore).

 

Only you know how much you value having kids and it's difficult to say if his reasons for that are more short term, long-term, or will change. As far as the finances go, I'd be hesitant to judge as he is working on it. Everyone makes mistakes, but in my opinion, its how we learn from them and move on that's important. That being said, you may want to pay attention to his spending habits and awareness of his financial situation.

 

It's not a deal breaker for me, although I'm not pleased with it either. Offhandedly, he did criticize himself about it once in front of me, saying that he needs to stop/grow out of it, so I guess that's encouraging.

 

I think you just answered your own question regarding the pot usage. It does sound like he's going through a pretty significant period of adjustment tho (in a good way) I'm just curious as to what prompted the changes. Debating quitting pot, getting finances in order, etc.

 

Actually, up until the point where I met this guy I think I may have been mentally preparing myself for a life of singlehood, lol.

 

lol - as in you just didn't see yourself settling down with one guy or you didn't think there was anyone who you could/would date? There's a very big difference and it changes my thoughts on this whole situation. If its because you don't feel like theres anyone to date, I'm a little concerned that you're trying to talk yourself into staying with this guy. If it was more settling, it raises the question of what about this guy made you want to consider him as a potential long-term partner? Either of these could give a bit more insight into where you're at/what you're feeling at the moment.

In either case, you need to figure out what you want - and sometimes this means dating/considering things you don't want through the process of elimination.

[Jetta]

Really the having children thing is a deal breaker, or may turn into one later. Do you want to suffer heartache now or later? Do you think he'll ever change his mind about having children? If probably not but you want the option that may very well be your answer.

 

IMO you have a gut feeling about this guy and need to go with your gut. You're already making excuses for behaviors you disagree with, i.e. pot smoking. Trust your inner guide.

[littlewings]

as in you just didn't see yourself settling down with one guy or you didn't think there was anyone who you could/would date?

 

I wouldn't say I have guys knocking at my door every second of the day, but I do frequently get the "friend that wants to become more" proposal...typically very shy, timid guys that ask me out over text or im (sort of a turn off). Whereas these guys would rarely voice their own opinions (if I don't have a preference for anything sometimes it will take hours to decide what to eat - until I get fed up and just choose something random) the guy I am seeing right now will say, "No preference? Let's just go for something easy then..." and then pick something within 5 minutes...

 

I think I'm interested in him because he's someone that will walk next to me and help make decisions as opposed to someone I have to lead everywhere by the hand. That being said...I think I've become notorious in my group of friends for being a super picky girl that turns down most guys...but all I'm looking for is this key quality of being self-motivated and decisive and you'd probably be likely to get at least one date with me...

 

I've also been told that I'm seen as a very independent girl and this tends to scare off many guys because they don't know how to approach or deal with me. What I like about this guy is that he is confident enough to look past this and still treat me like a lady (something I think I secretly yearn for, because although I kind of mentally roll my eyes whenever he pulls out a chair for me or holds open a door...it still makes me happy).

 

Now that I think of it, maybe deep down I just want the old fashioned romantic relationship but on the outside I'm still unwilling to give up my independence or depend too much on a man...

[breath.o.fresh.air]

but I do frequently get the "friend that wants to become more" proposal...typically

 

ugh - Don't you hate that? I get it all the time.. and, well, let's not go there, shall we? lol. If they're good friends of yours, have you ever actually considered dating them? Shy guys can be extremely romantic and attentive, and gain alot of confidence once they understand where they stand with you (at least in my experience...). I know as friends sometimes it's more like siblings than anything else which obviously would never work but I do know some people that have successfully gone from friendship to a relationship.

 

I've also been told that I'm seen as a very independent girl and this tends to scare off many guys because they don't know how to approach or deal with me.

 

I haven't met you in person, so I can't comment on that, but perhaps you come accross that way to the point that it makes it difficult for guys to talk to you - and not just approach. There's a difference between being confident and self-reliant, and so independent you come accross as aloof, cold, and otherwise unavailable emotionally. I'm not saying that you are, but perhaps...? It is possible to be both independent and approachable.

 

Now that I think of it, maybe deep down I just want the old fashioned romantic relationship but on the outside I'm still unwilling to give up my independence or depend too much on a man...

 

Well, at least you know something you do want. That's always a good start. I'm just concerned that you're focusing on this guy as you haven't dated anyone else in awhile - which would imply you're settling. Again, I'm not saying you are, and I see no problem with you dating him to see how it plays out, but I would consider dating other people too - at least casually. Granted, it depends on how serious your relationship is, and how you feel about it/him, and I'm NOT saying you should sleep around. But considering other options can be beneficial, and you don't seem overly sure about this guy - just about certain aspects of the relationship.

Then again, you never know what could come out of it, so trust your instincts, and go from there.

[Allyo]

Oh man, sorry to say this but the first one would really be a deal breaker for me! I really regretted getting into a relationship with a pot smoker once. Before that I was always okay with it since I had known casual pot smokers who seemed to be really nice, decent people. But if you don't smoke or smoke less than him, I can tell you there is nothing fun about watching a movie or listening to music with a stoned person who then later has severe mood swings when he can't get a hold of any pot... Hopefully you know him enough to see that his behavior doesn't change, but my experience with a daily smoker was very negative! One of my best friends also had a very similar experience...

 

Now I am younger than you, but I still believe that you can really find love at any age or stage of your life. People break up, split amicably, divorce, re-marry, and even 70 or 80 year olds find new partners in the nursing home. The idea that you should be in a serious relationship or married by a certain age definitely seems outdated to me, although sometimes we can feel a lot of pressure to do so. If you exude confidence and love in your persona, no matter what stage in life you are at there will always be a chance to attract and find a partner. So don't let the whole age thing get to you, 27 is young!

[Batya33]

For me personally if I wanted the option of having children I wouldn't date a pot smoker, or someone who didn't want children. If you were sure you didn't want children I'd have a different opinion. It's interesting how you say you're attracted to how decisive he is yet his reliance on drugs is kind of inconsistent with the strength you say you see in him, yes? I am impressed that he knows he doesn't want kids - my guess is that his decision is based in part on his self-knowledge that he is (or has been) irresponsible with money and his health so having a child wouldn't be in the best interests of the child.

 

What I would do if I were you (if it were me I wouldn't date him at all) is give this another few months until it's 6 months and then promise yourself you will decide on whether you think there is a future. I don't think you should worry at all about your age!

[aminaSa]

27 is a young age! dont worry! plus he is not younger then you..he is 30,so i dont get your friends :S

[Ariel85]

I've been attracted to a lot of guys who were wrong with me. I think that's what made them so attractive. lol

 

But this guy? I think anyone over the age of 22 that's still smoking pot is pretty stunted. I know people will rail over that, but it's my opinion. I think smoking pot at 30 is a loser move, and would turn me off entirely.

 

The rest of it though, no education, major debt, not wanting kids... all deal breakers as well. I think if you have to list a major asset as being his ability to fix a leaky faucet, there's not much else going on. lol

 

The guy may have a fun personality, but he sounds like quite the aimless and misguided underachiever. If you're cool with more casual dating, keep him around, otherwise, if you're ready to get serious about your lovelife and future, I'd cut him loose.