Bit lost, need guidance and support x

[donpeel83]

First of all, a disclaimer. The following might be one massive emotional ramble but please bare with moi as I try to decipher my thoughts.

 

So, im sat here with my boxing gear half on half off, sipping my orange squash and just thinking about my life, and what’s happened over the last 12 months. You see recently, I’ve been finding myself getting lost in my thoughts, allowing my mind to wander to dark and depressing places and whilst I try to fight it through a combination of self control and heavy endorphin producing exercise, it just isn’t enough sometimes. And it is because of this that I turn to the place that has been my safe haven and web based spiritual home for the last 27 months, ENA.

 

At this point, a recap on my back-story might help. Let me take you back though 12 months, as that’s where my thoughts gravitate to, before they race to the present.

 

- September 2010 – First appointment with Hospital looking into a circumcision, as my ex and I had talked about having a child. At the same time, I had already begun preparations for Christmas by buying a shed load of presents for both her and her 9 year old.

 

- December 2010 – Had my partial circumcision and we enjoyed a great Crimbo together.

 

- Feb 2011 – Problems arose as I had brought up my unhappiness about our sex life. My complaint was that I was putting so much effort into improving it (With Circumcision and buying help books etc) and she wouldn’t reciprocate the efforts and every time I brought this up I was never disrespectful etc, I just tried to approach it softly softly as she had previous BF’s cheat on her (and I now suspect they encountered similar problems with her and her dwindling sexual appetite).

 

- March 2011 – We had her 30th based over the 9th and 10th of that month. During this time I spent a week at hers and did all house work and looking after her son whilst she worked. Then, on the 20th, she called a break. We made it an official break up on Facebook etc on the 28th a week later.

 

- Apr 2011 - So, I made it be known that I wanted her back and the last face 2 face meeting was the 5th April, when I retrieved my stuff from hers and helped set up her TV before ordering a Chinese for her, me and her little lad. So, tail end of that week because I had added a few girls to my Facebook (We were still friends on there) she phoned me up asking who X Y and Z were and was getting very jealous. The next day she started the throwing of emotional breadcrumbs with texts of I miss you and let’s get married and have babies etc.

 

- Still in April, after nearly 5 weeks of trying to win her back I had a sexual encounter with another girl. Ex found out, and I lied to her and denied that anything had happened (though we were separated so I had no need to lie but I panicked). We then have a few arguments etc.

 

- May 2011 – We start the month very friendly and even schedule a date to see Kings of Leon end of the month. Then, she hacks my Facebook and hates the fact I had been talking to other girls (And this was mainly me talking to other girls after advice and support and she didn’t like that some of the text painted her in a bad light). She went cold on me and I begun to suspect she had done something as several girls were deleted from my Facebook friends list.

 

- June 2011 – She blanks me on my birthday and eventually gets in touch about a month after last contact where she admits to the Facebook hack and also admits she is seeing someone else now. The individual is in fact her first proper love from when she was 17/18 (he was early 20’s at the time) and she says they share a “bond” (my ex had actually shown me her old diary at Crimbo gone where it showed how heartbroken she was when he fooked her over). We last spoke early July and since then nothing.

 

So this kind of brings me to now and the last 3 months nearly since me and her last spoke. With my feelings, thoughts and emotions; im finding myself just having this tremendous sense of lacking a purpose. I think that’s the best way to put it. Though, at the same time, this feels like im contradicting myself as I’ve really thrown myself into my boxing again, and im at the gym 3-5 times a week depending on other things and tomorrow I start my new job after being unemployed for 6 weeks, and at the end of the month with my first pay packet im looking to enrol with Open University.

 

However, I keep finding her creeping into my thoughts. Such thoughts tend to be ones of jealousy and resentment!! As that she’s gallivanting around with the rediscovered “love of her life” and having a great wonderful time, whilst im sat alone with no one!! Now, I know I don’t know for sure that they are having a great and wonderful time but that’s the obvious feelings and thoughts that go through my head as my mind is projecting these images and thoughts due to my general feeling of loneliness and having my old “concrete” plans with my ex smashed to smithereens. I often find myself wondering about what id do if her “new” relationship would crumble apart. As she’s the sort of person who lives in the past, it wouldn’t surprise me if she got in touch with me in that eventuality. I keep wondering if she still thinks of me, is relieved that im gone etc. All the usual thoughts and it pains me that I keep coming back to this. Maybe it’s the bruised ego, I don’t know.

 

Sorry for rambling on for as long as I have ENA. I appreciate the reply count will probably be low due to the length etc just finding myself struggling a bit at the moment and could do with any support or advice that the ENA community would care to throw at me.

 

Thanks xAx

[Benville]

Hey there don, good to see a name I remember from when I was last around, albeit in less than ideal circumstances.

 

I know what you mean about a lack of purpose, that's been bouncing around in my head for a few months now since me and my ex went our separate ways, and already today now things with the new girl dead-ended. I think the thing to do is not dwell on it in a judgement sense. The wiser men in our lives say that everything happens for a reason, and if we're doubting our purposes then we need to take the positive from that and find something that we want to do. You say you've thrown yourself into your boxing and training and a new job, but the feeling is still there, so maybe there's more you want to do or a new path you want to head down.

 

As for wondering why you're sitting there alone while she's having fun, there's a couple of responses to that. The first time my ex and I broke up I was in your position, she seemed to be having a lot of fun and I wasn't. I learned over time when we got back together that she may not have been having the time she seemed, she was just a lot better at hiding things than I was. When we broke up in July for good, I managed to avoid that situation... I'm not sure how, but I did. What I don't think was right thought was that I dove back into dating, heavily, and sitting here today I'm quite sure it was the wrong thing to do. You may question being alone, but if you've got things unresolved, then being alone may be the best place to be. I was seeing someone for the last two months (we met just a fortnight after my breakup) and I sat there comfortable, knowing that I had someone and I must be doing okay etc, and right now I'm just feeling back at square one with a whole load of ties still leading to my ex.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not confused or bitter or anything like that (I'm expecting banal to pop up here and give me a bollocking for feeling anything to my ex), and I doub't you'd be either, but when there are still emotional and mental ties to ex's as strong as there seems to be for both of us, the arms of someone else is not the place to be.

 

I've got a bit more I want to write, but need to dash out now, so will leave it at that for now.

[Mesemene]

I think one of the things people dealing with the breakup of a LTR tend to forget is - you're really not in the habit of concentrating on yourself, no matter what steps you take to pour yourself into it - your heart and mind are sneaky things and start heading down that familiar path of worrying, watching for, and looking out for your ex - after all, you've been a caring partner for months? Years?

 

And it's really hard to not only physically, but mentally and emotionally completely change the pattern of your thoughts and feelings in your life.

 

Add to that, you're also used to watching out for her child. You had made a unit - woven both of them into the "fabric of your life" so to speak, and it takes quite a bit of time to not only separate things back out, but to truly weave other things into the place they once were.

 

You're definitely heading in the right direction. Just bear in mind, grief has stages - and making it through one still leaves a bit more to plow through. Some days, you can look at yourself and what you've accomplished and feel happy and proud - and others, it still feels hollow, and just not enough. And how long it takes you is very individual - so don't judge yourself by anyone else's progress.

 

It really DOES sound like you have a lot to be proud of, on a personal front, and you're still looking forward - when you catch yourself looking in the rear view mirror, just continue to tell yourself very firmly you're worth the attention and focus you're starting to aim her way (it won't stop you wondering and resenting from time to time!) and while it's normal and natural, it's energy better spent on YOU, not her.

[donpeel83]

Thank you first of all for the kind responses. I guess its fear as well. I spent nearly 12 of the 18 months we were together really planning our future. For all bar the final 3 months inwas the only wage earner in the relationship and we both talked about how I could develop my career and relocate and we would set our stall out and have this family. She really got me hooked on the idea.

 

Also, and this will sound juvenile I know, but this guy who was her first love who she went back to. I reAlly want that relationship to fail and for him to get sick of her again and make his excuses and leave her. I k ow that's wrong and that I should just go " * * * * happens, I hope for the best for her and her son" but in my heart I just k ow not many men would honestly put up with her insecurities and baggage and come back for more. I guess that's what I'm hoping she realises one day. Not neccesairly for reconciliation as such, more that vindication that I was a great bf to her and treated her better than she had ever been treated before!!

[donpeel83]

Any other support or guidance people can offer would be kindly welcomed. Off to start my new job in a moment but would very much love any more kind words that ENA can offer x thanks guys and sorry for repeating myself over The same things lately xx

[1guygirl]

hey bud

 

id say that the jealousy she experienced when she hacked ya fb and read your messages to girls, and that encounter you had, has spurred on this behaviour from her. you aint at fault here, she broke up with you. but this big charade is just that. unless her and him are really hammering the pegs in to secure this relationship, then old probs and new ones from them, will come about and it wont be anything like the pretty picture shes making it out to be on fakebook.

 

you feel alone, because youre buying into it on some level. but its these thoughts that are idealizing what you had. your plans were not concrete, they were just hopes, discussions which you took seriously and wanted to make concrete. they only become concrete when the cement is laid, dried and rock solid

 

you have new plans, with OU and new job *congrats btw* youre buffing up, and yeah theres more to life than being a ripped, swotty, corporate termite, but, they are just the first steps. where is she? living in the past, making a novel out of something that should probably be left in the past....how many healthy peeps seriously would go back to their first loves? while they were filled with intense emotions, on a deeper level first relationships dont meet all of our needs to the being we are today....so watch the tables turn indeed...she will likely end up alone but you be in a better place to meet someone more suited to you and your needs.

 

but as ive said, we arent automatons....so we jus gotta go through the emotions until we have gone through them x

[donpeel83]

Grrrrr, whilst above there are some amazing points etc......im having a downer night tonight!!! I keep having those pedestal based thoughts of my ex....that she was some fantastic lady who meant the world to me. I keep over romtazising her new/old relationship too and thinking "I bet there having a great time.....i bet shes having abetter time with him etc". I think what really bothers me on that fron is that I treated her better then any previous bf. I never cheated on her, lavished her with gifts, tried to make improvments to myself for the good of the relationship......and instead she would rather be cooped up with a guy who isnt as attractive who once upon a time f***ed over and broke her heart?!?!?! Just dosent make sense to me!!!

 

 

Sorry for rambling guys xx just strugling tonight xx

[symbiot]

Don't worry brother, at some point she'll realize what she lost and you'll realize what you got rid of.

[NoDice]

Yeah buddy, the damn pedestal thoughts are the worst. I decided to write a love "lets get back together" letter and burn it, just random stuff I would do just to rid myself of her being, the crap creeps back in sometimes. I look at it this way, if the don't realize what they lost yet then why are we pining so damn hard over them? For all the pain we may feel now, depending on circumstances, it will hit them tenfold when they wake up with the same problems alone or with their new beaus. As for the pedestal thoughts I wish I knew man, I tell myself everyday that the love of my life is about to get here be it my ex or not, that way when she does get here, I am either dunking the clown(my ex) or seeing her matured, or just some amazingly fantastic girl who I can't live without.

[donpeel83]

I think/hope you guys are right. I know in time i wont care, and i'll look back and think "Why did i spend so much time over analysing and stressing etc", But i just find it hard to fathom that I treated how I did with kindness and always putting her first but she dosent feel thats a viable quality going forward in the long term?? Just perplexes me and makes little sense when itry to look at the whole situation on the whole!!

[donpeel83]

Well.....a few days have passed and I fee the incident from the end of September was just a blip (i hope). Still feel so so. A big part of me still feels like our (my ex and I) paths will cross again down the line. Im not saying I hope this will happen, just that i "feel it in my bones!!" I do still get the sensation of feeling confused by her desire to be with a man who * * * * ed her over once when she has a history of being with * * * * ty BF's and I was the first one who treated her right!!! That blow to the ego i Fear is what is hurting the most!!!

[symbiot]

Hey Don, I know how you feel man. My ex told me a ton of crap about her ex. He was a real piece of work. But me on the other hand, I treated her like she was the only woman that ever existed. It's very confusing to have someone run away from you when all you want is to se them smil,to see them happy. Is't BS is what it is!

[1guygirl]

Well.....a few days have passed and I fee the incident from the end of September was just a blip (i hope). Still feel so so. A big part of me still feels like our (my ex and I) paths will cross again down the line. Im not saying I hope this will happen, just that i "feel it in my bones!!" I do still get the sensation of feeling confused by her desire to be with a man who * * * * ed her over once when she has a history of being with * * * * ty BF's and I was the first one who treated her right!!! That blow to the ego i Fear is what is hurting the most!!!

 

now then bud(dha)

 

oh jeez, ive been in hospital, sorry not been able to reply mate

 

you feel it in your bones....yeah whenever i have felt that strongly its blummin well happened.....so....look at you and what youre doing...what kind of man do you wanna be when your paths cross? id say youre doing pretty well with new job, and everything.

 

what ya gotta remember is that she was insecure, sorry still prob is...and this affects peeps reactions and actions. just understanding that can help let go of the present and the past situation...the future? well...no one really knows what that holds, but you can work towards something you can control...YOU.

 

i do kinda think you will both meet, too. so...i would really like you to be in a position of positivity in the bestest poss way, grown and matured, strong and confident of who you are and what you have to offer anyone and everyone. when you truly feel that, like it is inherent in you, it doesnt matter if our exes are not on the same page...because we will be within the best bit of the book light-chapters away from the struggling character they remember. what happens then am afraid, is really upto them. and thats ok, cos we can love them, but in a healthy detatched way. if they still chose to stick with their choices of now, rather than face their fears and grow like you are trying to do, thats their deal. sad yes, shame? definitely....but life. how you deal with whatever the future throws is what turns fate (meeting her again?) into destiny - with or without her.