diarmuidz Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Hey my ENA friends, hope you're all doing well.... So, been BU since May, I went NC in june after I asked her to come back, but she didn't feel the same way. It's been the hardest few months of my life - lot of crying and chest pain and loneliness and depression and frustration.... it really hurts, as I'm sure everyone on this forum can relate. Unbelievable pain... I want to get over it, but I also truly want her back... We were great together, but I guess she just lost interest/attraction... had an amicable BU (held hands and each other..... I cried a bit, but not much).... I always hoped that it would turn around quick, but it hasn't... and here I am, still hurting SO MUCH.... I'm studying for a test right now, so I shouldn't be back here until it's done... but something just happened and it really bothered me... Me and my ex used to video chat over skype a ton - probably hundreds of hours over the years.. it was our thing. Well, since NC, I haven't gone on skype at all, so at least I wasn't torturing myself with that. I don't have FB either (I'd like to think because I'm really too cool for it, but the truth is I'm just too busy and FB is like a black hole for time), so we didn't 'see' each other online these last few months. Anyway, earlier this week, my laptop died on me, so I went to get a new one. Been installing all the standard programs I need, and yes, just absentmindedly downloaded and installed skype. Logged in, adjusted the settings, and just happen to stay "online" while I went to eat dinner with the fam. Came back an hour later, still signed in, and saw that in the hour I was away, my ex had logged on!!!! (skype actually has a "last seen online" feature that tells you the last time any person on your list was signed on). But what hurt was that she had logged on, and hadn't said anything... no "hello", no "what's up".... and definitely no "i'm sorry for breaking your heart, can we talk?".... nothing at all, and signed off quietly! It's the first time I've been online in months, and she comes on too, and... nothing.. It goes without saying that if I was at my computer when she was online, I myself wouldn't have initiated anything, because with her being the dumper, I'm leaving it up to her to re-establish contact... I was just hoping that enough time had passed (what... 4-5 months?!), that maybe she'd reach out... extend an olive branch... but nothing. It hurt so much. I felt my legs and arms go numb, and my heart start racing, and a sinking feeling in my stomach.... I try to give the benefit of the doubt... maybe she didn't see me... maybe her computer had signed on automatically... maybe she was on her way out the door somewhere and didn't have time to chat.... but of course, Occam's Razor says that she probably did see me online, and made a conscious and active decision to not talk to me. Ouch..... I definitely wont' be going on skype again... back to studying now... but man.... I heard Conan O'Brien make a self-deprecating joke that his pillows smell like tears..... well... you and me both Conan... Link to comment
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