no hello?

[diarmuidz]

Hey my ENA friends, hope you're all doing well....

 

So, been BU since May, I went NC in june after I asked her to come back, but she didn't feel the same way. It's been the hardest few months of my life - lot of crying and chest pain and loneliness and depression and frustration.... it really hurts, as I'm sure everyone on this forum can relate. Unbelievable pain... I want to get over it, but I also truly want her back...

We were great together, but I guess she just lost interest/attraction... had an amicable BU (held hands and each other..... I cried a bit, but not much).... I always hoped that it would turn around quick, but it hasn't... and here I am, still hurting SO MUCH....

 

I'm studying for a test right now, so I shouldn't be back here until it's done... but something just happened and it really bothered me... Me and my ex used to video chat over skype a ton - probably hundreds of hours over the years.. it was our thing. Well, since NC, I haven't gone on skype at all, so at least I wasn't torturing myself with that. I don't have FB either (I'd like to think because I'm really too cool for it, but the truth is I'm just too busy and FB is like a black hole for time), so we didn't 'see' each other online these last few months.

 

Anyway, earlier this week, my laptop died on me, so I went to get a new one. Been installing all the standard programs I need, and yes, just absentmindedly downloaded and installed skype. Logged in, adjusted the settings, and just happen to stay "online" while I went to eat dinner with the fam. Came back an hour later, still signed in, and saw that in the hour I was away, my ex had logged on!!!! (skype actually has a "last seen online" feature that tells you the last time any person on your list was signed on). But what hurt was that she had logged on, and hadn't said anything... no "hello", no "what's up".... and definitely no "i'm sorry for breaking your heart, can we talk?".... nothing at all, and signed off quietly! It's the first time I've been online in months, and she comes on too, and... nothing..

 

It goes without saying that if I was at my computer when she was online, I myself wouldn't have initiated anything, because with her being the dumper, I'm leaving it up to her to re-establish contact... I was just hoping that enough time had passed (what... 4-5 months?!), that maybe she'd reach out... extend an olive branch... but nothing. It hurt so much. I felt my legs and arms go numb, and my heart start racing, and a sinking feeling in my stomach....

 

I try to give the benefit of the doubt... maybe she didn't see me... maybe her computer had signed on automatically... maybe she was on her way out the door somewhere and didn't have time to chat.... but of course, Occam's Razor says that she probably did see me online, and made a conscious and active decision to not talk to me. Ouch.....

 

I definitely wont' be going on skype again... back to studying now... but man....

I heard Conan O'Brien make a self-deprecating joke that his pillows smell like tears..... well... you and me both Conan...

[SudoMB]

Eh...

 

let her sort things out.

 

At least she didn't remove you from skype as soon as she started skyping someone else like my ex did... "said she felt guilty seeing me on the list so removed me" and has since removed me again.

 

So at least there's still the chance for your ex to initiate contact if and when shes ready to that way.

[Doofus]

Of course she didn't. Why would she? You haven't passed your test yet!

[Ms Darcy]

When you are not over someone, these things hurt. It just means you need to do more work in moving on bud.

[BlueRose66]

When you are not over someone, these things hurt. It just means you need to do more work in moving on bud.

 

So true! I am in the same place, and mine also ended in June with LC. It is indeed excrutiating, I feel ya. We are all in the same boat so to speak on this board and I am really happy to have found it.

 

There is no amount of wishing in the world that will bring someone back that doesnt want to come back. Harsh but true. I sent a very nice "I am here for you as a friend still etc etc" last week, and some info about a bill we share and I was totally ignored. It shocked me as she was always there for me and it is a HUGE adjustment. My sleep has been puncuated with deep and disturbing dreams of her, of us together and then me going to her home and all the photos on the fridge and all the art I gave were gone. My subconcious mind is still struggling.

 

Hang in there, I am too-- it is all we can really do....Eat well, work out, a good book, post here and dont' drink or use. I found drinking makes this so much worse.

[lanaa]

She maybe was hurt too,, you didnt say hello after 4-5 months of NC and first time together online.She probably noticed you,,and didnt want to say hello-not because she didnt care or didnt want but because she was nervous and didnt know how to start....maybe she waited you to start the conversation

 

many options

[diarmuidz]

Thanks everyone for the input... yeah I realize that I need to get over this, and am working towards that... There's no switch, or pill or procedure that could help me erase those memories or emotions, so it looks like I have to deal with this hurt until... well until it doesn't hurt anymore. The mornings are still the worst.... I wake up in a panic and with a racing heartbeat... I know I'm having nightmares, and I know she's in them... maybe I'm reliving the breakup over and over again. I don't know... all I know is that she's hijacked my dreams like Inception.

 

I guess forgetting is a blessing sometimes - I don't think we'd want to live in a world where we remember our pain all the time.

 

Doofus - hahah, that helped. Hope things are going well with you my friend.

[diarmuidz]

She maybe was hurt too,, you didnt say hello after 4-5 months of NC and first time together online.She probably noticed you,,and didnt want to say hello-not because she didnt care or didnt want but because she was nervous and didnt know how to start....maybe she waited you to start the conversation

 

many options

 

You know, you may be right. She may be hurt and hesitant to reach out to me because she might feel that I don't want to talk to her.... when she broke up with me, she asked me if I'm angry and if I hate her... I was like of course not, I love you! But in the weeks post-BU, I have felt the constant hurt that we're not together take on hints of resentment towards her. We did meet up at a conference a month post-BU, and I had my game face on, keep it light, funny, casual... at the end I realized she wasn't going to bring up our relationship, so I brought it up myself (mistake)... we talked about it, went over everything, and she didn't feel ready to be in a relationship again (at least with me.. I don't know/didn't ask if she's seeing someone else).

 

I respected it, we hugged, and I left.... a day after I actually did ask her if she still wanted to come to my graduation, she said she couldn't but that she's proud of me. And that was it..... I found ENA and went NC.

 

She may very well be hurt - but what about me? She broke up with me while she admitted I never did anything wrong. She resisted to two-three times I asked her to reconcile during that first month. She never initiated any contact. She never told me anything about her life anymore. She left the country for the summer without saying goodbye. She is the one who broke us up, and only she can fix it. It's unfair for her to assume I will reach out first. She broke up with me, pushed me out of her life, put up walls, burnt the bridge... I am just too busy and have my self-respect to chase her. I take comfort in the fact that she's a modern, intelligent and strong-willed woman, and if she wants to fix things that she broke, she won't expect me to initiate.

 

She doesn't have to open with an apology, or tell me she wants me back.... but at the very least, she needs to give me a sign, a green light, an indication that she's open to discussing our relationship, and then we can take it from there... baby steps... but the first step has to be hers. You can't break someone's heart in a no-fault break-up, and then expect them to try to fix things with you.

 

The ball's in her court - all I can do now is study, do pushups and chinups, pass my test and move on in life. After my test I will date again, and maybe find someone else... but for now my ex is in my heart, and only she can fix the damage done to our relationship.