When does a lie go over the line for you?

[LDRohnos]

This is or a friend who is currently in this situation and I'm having trouble giving her any advice other than to do, I'm not really even sure how I'd react to it but I'm curious how others would feel...here's the situation.

 

 

She's been dating a guy exclusively for about a year or so, when they first started up he told her he had a college education and it turns out he only had a few years in college but not his degree. He said he told her because he liked her alot and has some insecurity issues and felt ashamed about it.. Is this a breach of trust (considering all he said was true and he hasn't lied to her otherwise) that would be a deal breaker for you?

 

I'm not even sure how I'd feel if someone I was seeing came out with something like this after a year of hiding it...I think I'd just be a bit pissed off but would understand if it was an isolated incident..not sure what advice to give her!

[Oneironaut]

Hmm...well, -everyone- tells lies, and anyone who says they never do should watch the movie, "Liar, Liar" and get back to me, lol...

 

When I first met my boyfriend online, he told me that he lived with some roommates, but he wasn't specific. I didn't really care, so didn't ask more. He also told me that his brother lived in a different city. Again, I didn't care, so didn't dig any deeper.

 

A year later, I found out that in fact, he lives with his younger brother, his younger brother's wife, and her family.

 

I confronted him, and he admitted that he'd been embarrassed to say that he lived with his "little brother".

 

So I let it go...my point being that maybe this guy told a lie about his college education because he was trying to impress her, and/or maybe he was embarrassed that he hadn't graduated.

 

I dunno, to me, it's a matter of picking your battles...saying you have a college education but not specifically saying you don't have a degree isn't as big of a deal as, for example, saying you're divorced when it turns out you're only separated.

 

Yes, I know some people will come along and say, "Well, if he could lie about one thing, who knows what else?" Good point, but again, I think one has to look at the severity and depth of the lie.

 

Just my opinion.

[Princess123]

If his words were specifically 'college education' then it's not too much to get upset over. College education does mean a few college courses while college degree or university degree means clearly what it means. College education can be interpreted several ways. It's not as bad as lying about age, revealing a sex change, or just informing her that he has kids.

[LDRohnos]

Actually he told her he had his degree, multiple times. By what she said it was one of those cases where he had to lie to cover up his origional lie. It was a bald faced lie, without any play on words and apparently something he knew he was doing since he kept it up for a year.

 

I do agree that there are far worse lies to be said such as the examples you gave, I'm not sure if I could see where that line stopped. Apparently she said he was really broken up about it and felt really guilty, I guess all those months keeping it up wore on him.

[OptomisticGirl]

If this is the only thing he lied about and otherwise the realtionship is solid, I wouldn't end it. It's easy to forget once you are in a relationship a long time to remember how you felt in the beginning - nervous, trying to impress your SO - and it's easy to stand on a high horse and say 'you lied!' and forget that when they told that lie, there wasn't this amazing connection between the two. That's my 2 cents, at least.

[Princess123]

Personal preference. I would be upset. He started the relationship off as a lie, now why would you have the need to lie about having a degree? Lying about that doesn't impress a girl and he should be smart enough to know it'll come out sooner or later. Makes you think what else did he lie about?

[OptomisticGirl]

Personal preference. I would be upset. He started the relationship off as a lie, now why would you have the need to lie about having a degree? Lying about that doesn't impress a girl and he should be smart enough to know it'll come out sooner or later. Makes you think what else did he lie about?

 

You have to remember how the beginning of a relationship is. You ARE trying to impress someone and sometimes you can throw things out there. It takes a lot for someone to come forward and actually admit they lied - the easier option would have been to continue the lie forever.

[Oneironaut]

You have to remember how the beginning of a relationship is. You ARE trying to impress someone and sometimes you can throw things out there. It takes a lot for someone to come forward and actually admit they lied - the easier option would have been to continue the lie forever.

 

Agreed. In my case, if he had never admitted his lie, THEN I would have been upset. But for guys especially, ego is a huge motivator.

 

Anyone can lie, but it takes maturity and a willingness to accept responsibility to admit it.

[OptomisticGirl]

Agreed. In my case, if he had never admitted his lie, THEN I would have been upset. But for guys especially, ego is a huge motivator.

 

Anyone can lie, but it takes maturity and a willingness to accept responsibility to admit it.

 

Yep. Becuase if your going to stand on the high ground of someone lying about something that doesn't hurt you, then you as well have to put yourself down on that level because have you really been 100% honest, every single minute of every single day?

[LDRohnos]

Thanks for the replies. She said she's mad at him but at the same time very proud of him (it is kinda eating her up though), which I think would be my reaction as well.

[eternalsunrise]

Did he outright lie about having a degree? If he told her he went to Uof_ for undergrad and then ended the convo without actually saying he didn't graduate/stopped going for whatever reason, that is fine. - It's an omission but more forgivable. But if he lied and said he got a degree in ___ but he really has no degree. Then, yeah that's a lie I probably wouldn't easily forgive. The issue for me wouldn't be 'oh my gosh I only want to date guys with college degrees so I need to break up with him'. I might date a guy with No college education if he is absolutely awesome in every other way. The issue is that he (presumably) lied. Does this guy have a stable job? Do they have money issues? If it's not relevant financially or causing any problems then MAYBE I'd forgive him, put him on probation or whatever. That's a tough one though. I would wonder what in the world else he's lied to me about or might in the future.

[LDRohnos]

Yeah he does have a job and actually his family is pretty well off and I think he makes decent (enough) money. She has a pretty advanced degree (masters and working on doctorate) which is probably the reason he lied in the first place, he probably didn't feel like she'd have any interest in a non-college grad. It's definitely silly but I can certainly put myself in the same position and feel a little intimidated as well. Wouldn't want to put myself through a year of guilt to lie about it though =P

[RedDress]

I'd forgive it.

 

Ultimately, from what you are saying, there is no real impact to him not having the degree. You can also clearly see the position he was in (he has much less education, was feeling insecure) and most people can at least fathom why he would have stretched the truth. Further - the intent of the lie was not malicious. He wasn't trying to pull one over on her so that he could do something selfish... the intent was to get to know her without prejudice and form a relationship.

 

Personally, I think intent is key. You don't really get mad when someone lies to you to get you to a surprise party, do you? It's because there was good intent behind the lie.

 

I agree that the length of the lie (an entire year!) is a bit disturbing, though...

 

At the end of the day, I don't think she has to worry about him being a pathological liar or anything (if this is the only lie she knows about). It makes me much more weary when people lie about insignificant stuff or lie to do whatever it is they want irregardless of your feelings.

 

I'd let it slide...

[Mesemene]

I'd probably let this one slide.

 

It doesn't seem there was any malice, or any real intent to deceive per se, more an attempt to impress that took on a life of it's own, and took some guts to correct.

 

I'm a lot less flexible on lies that directly affect a relationship, like contact with exes, or doing anything behind the other's back and covering it up (unless it's something like "hey honey, I'm going to the gym" to cover up a surprise, like picking up a promise or engagement ring!).

 

Anything that's devious and the attempt to cover up gets a lame "I didn't think you'd understand" gets a "well, you might've tried me first" from me.