Trying to understand

[courtjester]

Hey guys - Too bad I didnt find this place sooner-

 

My GF or 2.5 years broke up with around the 1st of july. We had both been divorced for about a year or so before we met. Never one argument during the entire relationship. We really were best friends and did everything together. I was really starting to get the feeling that I could spend the rest of my life with her.

 

Her reasons are

1. She felt as though she always came second to my ex wife/ kid's mother. We share joint custody.

2. She was worried that I would not be able to fully commit to her because of how my badly my divorce went.

 

She rejected any talk of getting back together and working these issues out saying that she wanted to instead spend more time with her daughter before school started back.

 

I did all the wrong things after break up. Cards, flowers, etc.

 

We have seen each other 3 times since then, once to talk and twice for dinner. last Saturday was the last time we had dinner. It went well and there was no talk of the past or future. There was still a lot of attraction of both sides. It kinda felt like nothing ever happened. We did kiss after the dinner on the way to our cars. The hug kinda lasted forever with neither of us wanted to be the first to leave.

 

we have been in contact everyday since the break up. The entire time she was insisting that she did not want to lose her best friend. And me insisting that I did not want to only her friend.

 

No once did either of lose control or let the break up get nasty or out of hand. A lot of tears have been shed on both sides these past few months.

 

When I found out about the new man in her life. I tried my best to keep it together. So glad that she told me by email.

 

She told me yesterday that is seeing someone new and has been for the past few weeks. It was killing her to not tell me. This hurt. Was kinda odd hearing that, we have called each other and sent text messages though out the day and night many times since the break up.

 

It doesnt seem like she is giving her new relationship her full attention.

 

She said that is really nervous about the new relationship and a little scared.

 

Her new BF checked her text messages the other day and saw where we have been talking.

 

She said that she has no idea what is or where its going. She wants to be able to clear her head and decide what she wants. That her head is a mess and that is she still over whelmed from the break up and everything that has happened since. She had no idea that I felt the way about her that I did, and did not expect for me try so hard.

 

I replied that I was happy for her, and that I'm sure her new BF is a really cool guy. Told her that I honestly love her enough that her happiness means everything to me, even if I am not the one she is with.

 

She asked me not to hate her, and wanted to know if we could be still be friends and she really just wants to sort everything out.

 

my reply was that I was going to take a little while to my self, and let all the dust clear.

 

These past 12 hrs or so have been kinda rough. Trying to pick my self back up and make sense of it all. Everything has been so crazy since we broke up.

 

Any input from the hive?

[Imthatguy]

Just do NC for a while man. I don't think you're in any place to be "just friends", and she knows it too.

[Mesemene]

Step away, tell her that while she's taking this time, to not contact you, as it will just make things more painful for you. The last thing you want to be is her support system for her new BF - and if you feel badly about it, remember that she won't really have any idea if this new guy is good for her if she's still relying on you, either.

 

Don't contact her, don't look at her facebook page, don't text. You need to work on dealing with all that's just been loaded on you, pain, anger, and "what the heck hit me?" without being dragged back into her being in your present.

 

And don't get too involved in the "what if she comes back/wants to try again" scenarios. If it happens, you can deal with how you feel about that when it does. Right now you need to start dealing with life without her as your GF - and you can't really do that if you're on the fence, straddling two worlds, and not being completely in either one.

[courtjester]

Yea thats what i thought... I have been reading through some of the other threads. NC looks to be the answer for me to be able pick myself back up.

 

I guess she is on the rebound. Guess whatever it is doesn't matter. I am trying not to over think it all. Either way she is gone and starting something with someone new. She was insisting that she was confused, and that who knows what the coming days or weeks may hold for us.

 

Do I need to really tell her that I am going NC? I dont want to seem mean or anything, she is really scared about losing me as her friend. I thought about just leaving it alone after i sent her that email saying that I needed some time.

 

She replied that she understood and that we both needed to decompress some. And that I had better not fall off the face of the earth.

 

I am sure her head is spinning right now, from everything.

 

I tried to be as cool as I could about her new relationship. I think it really caught her off guard that i didnt get angry about it.

 

She was really upset that her new bf checked her text messages. I didnt even make a comment about that.

 

I wanna leave it all alone and do it on a high note. Last impressions are just important as first impressions.

 

It feels kinda surreal, but i do just want her to be happy. Of course i would like to be the one providing that happiness.

[courtjester]

thanks for input. I deleted her number off of my phone last night. A couple of days after the break up we both decided it would be best to unfriend each other on facebook. We have already swapped back personal things. The business end has been taken care of.

 

I know NC is for the best. Not only for me but give her the chance to see what the new relationship is all about. I wouldn't be fair to either of us for me hang around and support her emotionally.

 

We have never fought or spoke a harsh word to each other, I dont want to send a forceful NC email.

 

Is it ok to just bow out gracefully and leave that last email as my final one?

 

One more note on general housekeeping, Is it ok to send her daughter a card or something for her birthday next month? Nothing big, no gifts or anything.

 

It would be awesome to get back together at some point. and I know my actions from here on out will speak volumes about my metal state and love.

 

We had some great times together and the bar is set pretty high for her new BF. Her only other real LTR was with her ex husband. And that ended horrible. Everything from restraining orders to supervised visitation. I am definitely not going to be that guy.

[Mesemene]

Yup, it's fine to leave it as it is, with that email being the last. The only reason to explain is if you've been maintaining contact and haven't voiced the need for your space.

[ChellyV]

Just do NC for a while man. I don't think you're in any place to be "just friends", and she knows it too.

 

i agree. what happens to her current relationship really doesn't help with your own healing. with or without her, life goes on for you, get to that first. get to yourself first. with NC you will get there faster and better.

[courtjester]

yesterday was definitely better than today.

 

I read through her emails from the other day again before I deleted them all. I respect that she needs time to sort things out and see what it is that she wants.

 

Seems like I am the odd man out on this. While I am out of the picture she will have all the time in the day that we were texting and talking to focus on her new relationship. They spend a lot of time together, then she has work, her daughter (her daughter has some health issues and has dr visits almost weekly) and ex husband to deal with. that doesnt leave much time for old memories of us to surface.

 

She always saw me as a safe place away from all the stress.

 

Seems like a pretty big gamble on her part to me. Almost like she wants to try out the new relationship, and if it doesnt work out then she will come back. I dont want to be her backup plan. I regret not making that point clear in my final email and that maybe i was too soft.

 

As it is she may want to contact me, but not out of respect of me asking for time.

 

I dont want her think that I am just waiting around for that phone call. maybe as the weeks progress she will come to that conclusion on her own?

 

I dont want to post in the No Contact Challenge thread. I am not counting down the days until we speak or even to a 30 day point. I'm just going to take it a week at a time until I feel better about it all.

 

 

 

I am over thinking everything today. Bottom line is we are not together and she is starting something new. I dont want to add to her stress, or wait on the sidelines. No doubt my broken heart is shattered, and her memory is everywhere.

 

Does anyone have a weekly plan to help with NC and healing?

[courtjester]

She emailed me today explaining that she was trying to decide what was best for her life right now. And that right now she thinks that she is doing what is best for her. She has no idea where the relationship with the new guy is going or where life is taking her.

 

She went on to say that she is not comparing or trying to decide between me or him and that she just wants to know what is about him that she is looking for.

 

Should I reply to this? I am thinking not.

[courtjester]

The last few months have had their ups and downs. Neither of us were able to go completely NC. We have stayed in touch almost daily through text or email.

 

I tried dating some. Met a really cool girl last month that I had a lot in common with.....except for the felony arrest that I found out about a few weeks later. Ahhh the fun of meeting new people.

 

Around the first of the month my ex asked to lunch. It was good to see her and catch up some. After lunch she suggested that we do again soon and made plans for the next week.

 

The second lunch went just as well. She is still with her new guy and said that she was happy.

 

Fast forward this past wednesday.... She called me around lunch time. Kinda odd since we have not spoke on the phone since July. She said she was sorry for everything she has put me through, and her heart never left. She broke things off with her new guy that morning because no matter how hard she tried, she couldnt let go of us. She said that she loved me and made the biggest mistake of her life.

 

I was shocked....still am. I have waited 5 months on that phone call. She made it clear that she wants us back.

 

Seeing her this weekend was like all of this never happened. Tonight it was finally sank in that 5 months of not giving up has finally paid off. I want to let it all go, but I am so guarded. I dont want to go through this ever again.

[cnblucky1]

Courtjester, it's good to hear that your ex said all of that. I'm sure that it really hit you hard! (and not in a bad way). The good way to look at it, is that it wasn't just a rebound thing. He didn't break up with her and she didn't come running back to you as a backup plan. She broke up with him because she is really in love with you and the other guy didn't compare! That's great in my opinion. If you're scared of getting hurt again, just take it much slower this time. Don't jump back into things...just take it a day at a time, as if you never had a previous relationship..start it slow. Again, happy for ya!

[courtjester]

Yea, it was definitely a long hard road to get to this point. That phone call was what the majority of us here are waiting on. Too bad there is isn't much info on what happens when it does. I'm trying to let go of what happened during the break up and working on rebuilding the trust.

 

After talking some today.... she said that no matter how hard she tried, she wasnt able to just unlove me. is that even a word? Hope it makes sense.

 

Also she said that if I had just gone NC and walked away it would have made it easier for her to go about her new life. I will never know how true that is. She said that she would make up reasons to not like me, and try to push further away from it all while trying to build up her new relationship. I never once degraded or compared myself to her new bf. Mostly I just ignored his existence.

 

Maybe it comes down to if the attraction and love is still there, no amount of LC, NC, whatever is going to matter. I believe that nothing I said or did could make her come back... Time after time she would tell me that it was over, and she was happy with her new life. In the end it finally came down to her wanting it bad enough to try again.

[Ms Darcy]

Maybe it comes down to if the attraction and love is still there, no amount of LC, NC, whatever is going to matter. I believe that nothing I said or did could make her come back... Time after time she would tell me that it was over, and she was happy with her new life. In the end it finally came down to her wanting it bad enough to try again.

 

I agree with this, which is why dumpees should do NC and avoid torturing themselves.

 

How are you doing now?

[courtjester]

I am doing good now... was around her and her family pretty much all weekend. Felt like the past few months never happened and surreal at the same time. I know its too early to completely tell, it seems like we have both grown so much because of this and we both realize a little more what we stand to lose. Who knows, maybe in the end it will make us stronger.

 

That being said, its hard to completely let my guard down. I know that it is real and she is back. I never want to go through that again. Being guarded is what set all this in motion the first time, so i feel like I have to take the chance, let my guard down and risk getting hurt to be able to fully love her.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I think YOU need time to determine if you can trust her again. Take things very slow and talk things through.

 

It would bother me somewhat that the ex tried so hard to get over me. It makes her reasons for leaving seem a little strange/flimsy.