Marsgirl Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 I have known him since we were in university together, 16 years ago, he was very shy though I knew he loves me. All his moves, looks and attitude said that he was in love with me, I loved him as well but as I was not sure at all of his feelings at that time, he never spoke or expressed them to me and due to the stupid society restrictions and limitations we were living in, I could not express my feelings to him. I got married to another man and my silent lover decided to leave the country to go abroad for study and work. I realised after few months of my marriage that I have done a mistake and I could not forget my love and could not love my husband as I was told that love will come after marriage. Life continued and I got a daughter she is now 14. I heard my silent love got married to a lady from a foreign country and got 2 little children. I always kept following his news through out the years from distance and I knew he followed my news from my brother in law as he is his friend. The accident wanted us to meet on a social network (after 16 years); we were so happy to meet and chatted long hours for days. He has changes, not anymore shy or may be less shy.... he told me that he is still in love with me and he never stopped loving me. I told him the same because this is the truth, I never stopped loving him! It is now complicated as we both married and committed to other persons. I am happy to free myself of any commitment to be with him forever as I waited for this more than 16 years, I hinted this to him, however he always try to be diplomatic and keeps the doors open but with some uncertainty! I do understand his fears!! I don't know what to do, I feel I am losing my mind, really want to be with him forever but I know it is not easy in our situation. Do you think we should just decide to be together and free ourselves or other commitments or forget our love that continued more than 16 years?? PLEASE HELP ME I AM LOSING MY MIND!!!!!! Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 I think you have two different issues. The marriage and the other guy. If you are unhappy in the marriage, you should leave. But that doesn't mean the other guy will leave his wife. That's the risk you take. If he does leave his wife, well then there you go. Link to comment
Marsgirl Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 Thank you Ms Darcy for your reply, my husband loves me a lot and he thinks that we are having a perfect life cuz i never let him feel what is inside me! I am UNHAPPY especially after I knew that my love is still there and still loves me. Should i take the risk and leave, do you think this will encourage my love to take the things more seriously with less fear??? Link to comment
SudoMB Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 I maybe wrong...but I think you are asking yourself and us the wrong questions. If you are truly unhappy with your life and your marriage, you need to dig deep down and with enough time, to ask if this is the right decision for you, but not based on a potential future with this other person. Meaning, if you were to divorce, and he did not divorce, would you be ok with your actions? Would you harbor too much ill will and resentment? Do it for yourself if you are wanting to, not for someone else.. Link to comment
Marsgirl Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 Thank you so much SudoMB, you really made me face the fact that I am trying to ignore since long time, or hide from facing it! I think I need to do something on my life first ... I agree!!! Link to comment
jeepman41 Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Thank you so much SudoMB, you really made me face the fact that I am trying to ignore since long time, or hide from facing it! I think I need to do something on my life first ... I agree!!! Unrequited love and all its complications. There are several people's lives involved here. No matter what happens, if you act on this, someone is going to hurt. Now is the time to think with your head instead of your heart. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 If you decide to leave, it should be because you are not happy and not because you might hook up with another guy. The other guy may never leave his wife. But that's not the point. I'm not sure if you are really unhappy, if you only want to leave if the other guy leaves too. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 Not to rain on your parade but you have loved a fantasy... and you still love a fantasy... it looks great and feels great and is a great escape from your real life which could never measure up to the fantasy you've created. I will predict you will leave your husband... he won't leave his wife and daughters... if he does it won't be for a long time... if the two of you get together it won't be the blissful life you imagined as you will have to learn to live with this man 24/7... what looks like and feels good in moments of need when he is available won't be too attractive when he doesn't come home as expected or doesn't take the garage out cause real life creeps into your fantasy... he will be riddled with guilt for leaving his daughters... he will be cranky with you... you will still be unhappy in the end and most likely this relationship fails to last 4yr. You have to realize that right now you are each filling a need for each other that your marriage isn't currently providing... this may be the only need he is lacking... intimacy... perhaps his wife and children meet all his other needs... he won't leave his wife who fills 9 of his needs very well while you fill 1 despite what he is telling you... he is just filling your need. That's usually how these events play out... its not a lifetime movie. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 In effect, this isn't actually about "getting back together", it's about the "what if" - or as CatsMeeoow said... the fantasy. This is a perfect example of the dreaded 'grass is greener' thing. Consider that a decision like this which - let's face it, is a selfish one - will not be a fantasy to two spouses and three children. It'll be a nightmare. Go have a read through the divorce forum. Link to comment
ChellyV Posted September 18, 2011 Share Posted September 18, 2011 In effect, this isn't actually about "getting back together", it's about the "what if" - or as CatsMeeoow said... the fantasy. This is a perfect example of the dreaded 'grass is greener' thing. Consider that a decision like this which - let's face it, is a selfish one - will not be a fantasy to two spouses and three children. It'll be a nightmare. Go have a read through the divorce forum. go tiger! go tiger! Link to comment
Marsgirl Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 I know its hard and may be impossible but its hard as well to let go of the love of my life life after long years of wait .... Link to comment
Marsgirl Posted September 19, 2011 Author Share Posted September 19, 2011 Thank you for your comment .... it really made me think of some other aspects of this relationship which I tried to hide from or ignore .... though it fills me with fear and sadness when i think of all what you said... Link to comment
lanaa Posted September 19, 2011 Share Posted September 19, 2011 Why doesnt he say he is ready to leave his wife for you? think about that Link to comment
abitbroken Posted September 20, 2011 Share Posted September 20, 2011 I think that there is a reason that the two of you never were a couple. It is not about society's restrictions because obviously you managed to meet someone and marry. While maybe you didn't feel you could tell him you cared, there was nothing stopping you from moving towards marriage like you did with your husband. I think that you weren't together not because you didn't care about him, but because you guys didn't match. You couldn't communicate with each other properly whether he was too shy and you were too inhibited or you guys were just not in sync. Whatever it is, I think that you had a crush and reconnecting with him brings back feelings of fond days of school. I suggest that you end this emotional affair and reconnect with your husband. Link to comment
Marsgirl Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 Why doesnt he say he is ready to leave his wife for you? think about that Thank you so much, you are right with your point, he never said that he is ready to leave his wife for me.. and there are other things which i am statring to notice on him the more i chat to him the more i feel he tries to keep the relationship between us as not really serious .... sometimes he hints that we should do cyber.... which I refused to do. After that he started holding back and sometimes ignores me when I am online and ignore my messages .... it really hurts but at least I am seeing more from him before I am getting more involved with him! Link to comment
Marsgirl Posted September 23, 2011 Author Share Posted September 23, 2011 I think that there is a reason that the two of you never were a couple. It is not about society's restrictions because obviously you managed to meet someone and marry. While maybe you didn't feel you could tell him you cared, there was nothing stopping you from moving towards marriage like you did with your husband. I think that you weren't together not because you didn't care about him, but because you guys didn't match. You couldn't communicate with each other properly whether he was too shy and you were too inhibited or you guys were just not in sync. Whatever it is, I think that you had a crush and reconnecting with him brings back feelings of fond days of school. I suggest that you end this emotional affair and reconnect with your husband. Thank you so much, I started to see things clearer now, you are right with your point, he never said that he is ready to leave his wife for me.. and there are other things which i am statring to notice on him the more i chat to him the more i feel he tries to keep the relationship between us as not really serious .... sometimes he hints that we should do cyber.... which I refused to do. After that he started holding back and sometimes ignores me when I am online and ignore my messages .... it really hurts but at least I am seeing more from him before I am getting more involved with him! Link to comment
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