Break up and get back together

[calligirl]

I was in a relationship with a guy that i have known for some time, 10+ years. We had started talking about 2 years ago and then started dating 6 months later. After dating from 4 weeks to about 6 months then he would become distance every single time. And each time i would ask what was wrong and if he wanted to stop seeing each other and he would say no. So then a month or two would pass and then we would start back in the relationship again. i would tell him no and refuse to see him again and then he would charm his way back in as a friend and then after spending time together would be a couple again. keep in mind it wasnt for sex, we didnt have much of a sex life due to other reasons, but every time he would drift and we would get back together the relationship would last longer. the last time i broke up with him and it was 3 months before he contacted me again. prior to the break up i had told him that i wanted more than what he was willing to give me so i didnt see a point in continuing because this wasnt what i wanted. this last time we broke up, i again asked if he wanted to break up and he said no and that he would call me. i took it as we broke up because a boyfriend doesnt stop talking to his girlfriend and they still be dating. and certain family members on his side got involved and drama started. he was pretty upset with me but it wasnt my fault. i do know that we do love each other, that wasnt the problem, i think the problem was that he couldnt fully commit, he could only for a short period of time and thus the break up and get back together. so if anyone has experienced a relationship like this, can you tell me when it is really over? i am confused because every time we do this and i think its over and begin to move on and have emotionally healed, here he comes again. thanks for any advice.

[Mauxly]

Yeah. I had a relationship exactly like that. I adored him, and he seemed to adore me too...for a little while in each micro-relationship we had before he sabotaged and or broke up with me every few months. He would leave me heartbroken, in tears, only to come back a few weeks to a few months later and tell me he was crazy, that I was the love of his life. I'd take him back, wash, rinse, repeat. This went on for years.

 

The best thing I ever did for myself was stop taking his calls the last time he did it.

 

This was over a decade ago, and he knows he has a problem. He's spent tens of thousands of dollars on counseling to overcome his commitment issue, to no avail.

 

I know the women he's dated since me, he does the exact same thing to them.

 

He's not an evil person at all. In fact, other than this issue he's a great guy and wonderful boyfriend. But I feel so sorry for him and every woman he gets involved with. I'd never experienced the kind of relationship drama/agony that I'd experienced with him (before or after him). I was a fountain of tears for years.

 

The next time your boyfriend pulls this crap, go NC. Save yourself.

[calligirl]

@Mauxly, thank you very much!!! Well we are broke up about 6 weeks ago. I dont understand what or why they do this. I have never in my life had a relationshiop like this at all. i was so confused and blindsided when this first started. when you say for years, how long? did you know that he would never walk away and that you were the one who had to do it? I thought since this time round it had involved his family member that it would have drew the line and he would not come back to begin the cycle again. I am doing the NC and i dont have a reason to contact him and i refuse to. I didnt do anything wrong, like yousaid they have the problem. But when i have healed and moved on, on getting my life in order here he comes and he makes it difficult to ignore him. the time before this last time, i did the NC and do you know he called me 22 times and left 2 voicemails and then 2 texts. And the very next morning, he called me 6 times in a row? and i finally texted him back later that afternoon and it was nothing important. His dad has told me that he knows he wont ever leave me alone either. how did you move on? did he keep contacting you after you stopped returning his calls? I am trying to save myself and my sanity. The only thing that changes each time we get back together is the length of the micro-relationship and he is much sweeter every time.

[Mauxly]

3 &1/2 years. I had to move to another city. Even after I moved he contacted me with the "I miss you's" but I knew full well that he was dating an old friend at the time. I disgusted me that he'd try to play with my emotions while he'd already found my replacement.

 

So I cut all contact and told him not to contact me again. He honored that. But I think the only reason he did is that we share mutual friends with his new woman and he knew I'd tell them about his behavior unless he stopped.

 

3 years later I moved back to my home town. He had already dates a string of lovely women that I knew, broke each of their hearts repeatedly with the same behavior. We started our friendship back up while he was dating another friend of mine. Now, this woman is awesome! Beautiful, intelligent, emotionally grownded. I was so happy for him and I thought maybe he could make this one work....nope.

 

I ended our friendship when he started with the "I miss you's" again, while with her! Idiot self sabotager....why?

 

They were together, off and on, for years. He did the same thing to her.

 

I guess what broke the spell for me was seeing him fortunate enough to have the company of good women and seeing how he treated them. There was absolutely nothing any of us could have done to make him content in those relationships.

 

For the three and a half years that I went through the break up make up cycle with him I blamed myself. I thought that if only I was.better, more perfect, more understanding, more patient he'd grow to truly love me and commit to me fully.

 

Now I know better. He's simply not wired for commitment. Even he wishes he were, but he can't help himself. It's such a shame.

[calligirl]

wow! I am sorry to hear all that drama you went through. you were very fortunate to been able to move. I at the moment cannot move until i graduate. i thought about moving and even changing my number. he has more issues other than his relationship problems. i know each situation and relationship is different. i am thinking maybe he wont contact me again and have moved on. I am not sure how all this works out but i know that i dont want any part of it anymore since he cannot fully commit. well he hasnt done this to very many women, only 2 (me and another one)that i know of. he doesnt date any of them longer than 3-4 weeks and then thats it. how can someone date someone for that amount of time and then act like nothing happened. the other girl he did this cycle with was from years ago when they were in their late teens to early twenties. they dated for a long time before she wised up and finally left him and never contacted him again and she is now married. and then there are a lot of others in between the time we started. my mother keeps telling me that people dont change and for me tostop taking him back. his family would like for me to be patient. One member said that give him his space and when he calls you again, then you can decide if your sanity is worth giving him another chance. so apparently she knows him well enough to know he isnt going to change. i am sorry i keep talking to you over and over. are you currently in a relationship with anyone? and if so has this experience ruin you to the extent it is difficult for you to give someone trust and heart to?

[Mauxly]

I am in a relationship with someone who is fully committed, my best friend and who's amazing. Actually, I think some of my horrible past experiences has made this relationship better. I certainly don't take him for granted and really appreciate how emotionally solid he is.

If I hadn't been burned/cheated on in the past, I might take this relationship for granted. Not now, no way. I'm a lucky girl.

 

This guy has all of the qualities I loved in my ex plus a whole lot more. He even.talks of marriage.