So.... now what?

[littledreamer]

Hello!

 

I've been going NC with my ex for two days. After our breakup I told him I accepted being just friends, but sooner or later I realized it only hurt me as I wanted to be more than friends. We knew each other for about three years but dated for a little more than 2, during which time we lived together for about a year.

 

We had an amicable enough breakup and both still think each other is a good person. When we talk on the phone we're both always laughing. Our reasons for breaking up were a bit complicated- I was going through some rough times with family and school that made me become clingy and he was going through money issues that made him irritable. We started to lose sight of us and just weren't in a happy in our lives, so we needed to work on each other alone for a while. I know for a fact there was no other woman and that he has not dated since. He told me he went on casual dates, and I know what that means. Men have certain needs, as do I. So I do not fault him for this.

 

Anyway, since the breakup we've been in almost regular, friendly contact. I recognize I do not want this. I have put my foot down and I do not want to speak to him unless a reconciliation is in the cards. I deserve more than that, not crumbs of a relationship that has ended. I do still love him and realize if we were to reconcile, our relationship would have to be thought of as completely new. After the two days of no contact (unusual since we usually speak at least for a short while daily), I get this e-mail:

 

"Wow, two days and not a single peep?! I'm proud of you! Who knows what you're doing now? By the way, that was a really beautiful poem you wrote on your blog."

 

I answered him to the effect of, "Thanks. Just a quick e-mail to let you know that I agree with our split and it was a long time coming. I am totally okay with it. I am sorry after the breakup I didn't respect your boundaries and we kept in contact. On a different note, I got some great news the other day and would love to fill you in... maybe in the future. But for now we need to be apart from each other for a while. Take care!"

 

I want him to know that I a) need to be apart from him to fully heal and b) he needs to miss me. How can he miss me if I am always there for him? I am giving him everything I would give a boyfriend in terms of being there emotionally. If he's not with me now or not trying to reconcile, to but it bluntly, he doesn't deserve it. Even though he's an awesome guy and I still have a huge spot in my heart for him.

 

So how do I continue now? Still NC? I've told myself even if and when he responds, I will not respond until I am ready. This might take months, but I'm prepared. What do you think?

[learning2relax]

I want him to know that I a) need to be apart from him to fully heal and b) he needs to miss me. How can he miss me if I am always there for him? I am giving him everything I would give a boyfriend in terms of being there emotionally. If he's not with me now or not trying to reconcile, to but it bluntly, he doesn't deserve it. Even though he's an awesome guy and I still have a huge spot in my heart for him.

 

So how do I continue now? Still NC? I've told myself even if and when he responds, I will not respond until I am ready. This might take months, but I'm prepared. What do you think?

 

You don't need to tell him to get that message accross. He will figure it out. Less said is more.

 

Continue on your path and take care of yourself. Respond only when you feel it is the right thing to do. Remember, less is more...

[Thorshammer]

He went on casual dates while he was with you? If I read that right... then move on. I would never do that, many men would never do that to a girlfriend. Thats a flat out slap to the face, no matter the issues. You shouldnt excuse that behavior for "needs", we have many needs that need to be kept in checked to respect the people we care for. If this was after the breakup, then ignore this.

 

You are going about it just fine. Just dont push how much of a good idea the break up was if you REALLY dont feel that way. I know some people tell you this is the best tactic, but i dont agree. A girl tells me that, I am out the picture forever. If anything, I would tone down how it was a good bu regardless if you want him to come back.

 

Also, you will have cycles on and on. You will miss him, regret agreeing to it, regret not fighting to keep him, etc. Just dont cave in and call him. You are right where you have to make him miss you, as being "there" will just help guide him to forgetting you as his girlfriend, and help guide him to seeing you as a friend.

 

That little text he sent seems like hes trying to get a response from you, trying to measure where your head is at. he can do this for a number of reasons, maybe he doubts his decision a bit, maybe he is looking to read your reaction to know his decision was best, he needs a self-esteem boost, etc.

 

2 days on nc is very early, you havent even hatched yet. You still dont have any "data" that comes from time to decide whats the best course of action. Continuing NC is obvious though, you need to heal, and you are both broken-up, there really isnt another choice if you want to effectively heal.

[littledreamer]

Um.... no.

 

He went on casual dates AFTER we broke up. We were both 100% faithful to each other while dating. Maybe I worded it wrong? We both went out on casual dates after the break up but nothing came of it. We're both still single.

 

The break up was a good idea for us at the time, as sad as it made both of us. If it didn't happen we probably would have ended up with a lot of resentment.

 

So, NC is the way to go?

[littledreamer]

I have a feeling if I stop talking to him, he will actually start to miss me.

 

That's what I want.

[Airbag]

I have a feeling if I stop talking to him, he will actually start to miss me.

 

That's what I want.

 

Then go for it.