GIGS: Why are some people not satisfied with what they have, think can do better

[Sookie]

Hey everyone,

 

this is my first post. I've been reading posts here for quite a while and find the answers very helpful.

 

I was just thinking about GIGS... why is it that some people don't seem to be satisfied with what they have, but think they can do better?

 

My ex left me for someone else, we were in a LDR and were each others first serious relationships, I'm 26 and he is 28... he told a common friend, that I actually didn't do anything wrong and that I'd actually be perfect to marry but he just doesn't truly know, what he wants in life, since he has nobody to compare...

 

Although he was my first real committed relationship and I don't have many other guys to compare either, I was satisfied, he fullfilled everything I expect from a boyfriend or would expect from a future husband. Do I really need to have a comparison to know that a person seems right for me, can't I just "feel" it, know it in my heart? In my opinion, there is always someone richer, someone more intelligent, somene better looking, someone better in bed, someone more understanding etc. out there, but does that mean, I can't be happy with what I have if this person fullfills all my criteria?! Doesn't that search for the perfect, the best partner, keep you from being truly satisfied?

 

Or is it that men and women are different about this? Is it more a guy thing or is it just me??!

 

Is GIGS the reason why first loves (first serious relationships) rarely last??

 

What are your opinions? Thanks!

[Destiny2112]

Hey Sookie,

 

welcome to ENA!

 

That is a good question and I have been wondering the same...

 

I think, when the honeymoon phase wears off and those butterflies in your tummy aren't there anymore, some people confuse this with "the spark is gone", although it's the natural course of any relationship sooner or later. The in- love- feeling gets replaced by a deeper kind of love, more understanding, trust and all these things... and I think, some people just want to get that "in- love- feeling", the honeymoon phase back and start looking around in order to find it in someone new... and yeah, sure, they will get that feeling back, but again, even with this new person, its only temporary and will wear off eventually... what will they do then? Move on to someone new again or maybe realize that what they had before wasn't too bad actually, they had just got used to the old person, maybe too familiar, too comfortable...

 

Maybe it's our society nowadays, always thinking, the newer, the better...maybe some people just don't really appreciate what they have and always want the thrill of something new... I don't know... that is a sad way of thinking, actually...

 

Anyways, I'm curious to hear other peoples thoughts on this!!

[endy]

I think a lot of what has to do with this is one's Ideal or Ideal of what love is. I can tell you right now I'm 29 years old, and just really realizing what it is myself. Have a I felt it and actually loved another? Yeah, but that doesn't mean I understood it, or what it takes to love someone the right way.

 

A lot of people would classify love as an in love feelings. When in truth internally it's a knot. Being "in love" to me is an act. It's how you treat another in a relationship and if it's reciprocated... that's being in love. I agree with the above in this way. It's sad, but our society has replaced what love really is... It's the source and most powerful thing inside of ourselves. It's what connects all together to me.

 

The fact is in society, we are taught at a young age that love is a fairy tale. It's something out of a movie, book, tv show etc. That can be no further than the truth. The biggest part of being able to love another is to love yourself first and foremost. I would venture to say that the majority of people on this earth do not do that either. You can tell when someone loves themselves. They walk into a room and it lights up. They make people smile etc.

 

Is it normal to wonder if "this is it". My response to that is if you are wondering if it is or isn't... You probably don't love the person you're with. Want and desire to me is not part of love, and to act on it which would cause pain and suffering to your partner is selfish and wrong if you truly do love them.

[Mesemene]

I have to agree with Destiny on this one - I think a lot of people, particularly ones who are still discovering their own feelings, have a very hard time being content with, well, being content and settled. Those flutters, flushes, and ants in the pants feelings don't last forever, and it seems some people have a hard time separating the flutters of infatuation and initial chemistry - FALLING "in love" - with the love that comes from someone becoming a part of your life. Some people continue to look for that initial excitement and thrill - and part of thrill, for many, is risk. They feel something is missing - the adrenaline rush that comes with risking it all for the unknown, the initial sparks when you're just getting a feel for "this could be it!" Most seem to grow into the realization that the deeper attachments have their own thrill - but there are some who just never seem to "get it."

[Forget Myself]

Is it normal to wonder if "this is it". My response to that is if you are wondering if it is or isn't... You probably don't love the person you're with. Want and desire to me is not part of love, and to act on it which would cause pain and suffering to your partner is selfish and wrong if you truly do love them.

 

A lot of people would classify love as an in love feelings. When in truth internally it's a knot. Being "in love" to me is an act. It's how you treat another in a relationship and if it's reciprocated... that's being in love.

 

Perfect explanation. I think this is exactly the basic point most people are missing. Want and desire do not play a part in love, if you cannot act in a loving way towards your partner then endy is right, you probably don't love them.

[MarnDark]

Hey Sookie,

 

GIGS.... I didn't know the term a month ago, these days know it quite well. My ex dumped me for the exact same reasons as you.

 

"Needed to grow and mature"

"You didn't do anything wrong"

"I need to find out what love is"

"I need more experience"

"I want to marry you someday"

 

I have no idea where she will go from here. I wonder what she will learn from this and what she is going to do. Who will she be with? Will she come back someday? I, personally, don't know what I will do from here. I'm still lost, confused and only on the first mile of this long journey. I am still left wondering why, I'm going through a merry-go-round of emotions every day. Well then, what is it? What separates the GIGSers from the dumpees? If you read the last letter she wrote me you could check off all the symptoms of GIGS. She told me how she was scared of being so comfortable with me, she was sorry for "risking it all" in order to find out what her purpose in life is, , she was sorry that I was caught in her own personal confusion, lastly she hoped that after this "growth" that our purposes in life will still match. I think, as previous posters have mentioned, society is constantly changing what the definition of "love" is. Today, communication is so easy. Texting someone pointless things every day, status updates of your everyday actions. Why do people do this? To get that jolt of excitement when someone responses, people think, "Hey look, I shout in the dark and somebody heard me!" I think this constant communication can somewhat desensitize the excitement of flesh to flesh human interaction. In today's society divorce is rampant, no one is satisfied. Everyone thinks they can find more or better, comfortable is no longer a good thing. My ex's parents divorced. I remember asking her about it earlier in our relationship. She said it didn't really affect her. 1.5 years later we are sitting in our apartment and she is telling me that she "doesn't want to end up like her parents". I know how much I loved her, the lengths I would've gone to be with her. She was everything that I ever wanted in a woman. I'm young, but why would I even consider letting go of something that fulfilled everything I could ever want? Maybe, she didn't love me as much as she told me simply because she didn't have anything to compare it to. I know that I loved my first girlfriend but when I met my ex I loved her much more than my first. Our compatibility was just much more profound. Now, I find myself at the opposite end of GIGS. The feeling that I will not find better than her, not sure if there is a term for that. I'm honestly at a child-like vulnerability these days.

 

Sookie, it's not just a guy thing. Our ex's had the same reasoning. I hope we find true happiness some day.

[Sookie]

Thank you guys for your post!

 

So do you think, people can leave a relationship that is basically "good" or do they start looking around for someone "better", only when they think, something in their current relationship is lacking? Or may it just be that they miss "infatuation", "in- love- feeling", the honeymoon stage?

 

Or is it maybe dependant on the age or how many other relationships you had before? But is it really necessary to have had many relationships before you are able to know, you have met "the one"? ... I was thinking, since I was my ex's first serious gf, that no matter how good the time with me was, that it was inevitable for him to feel he needs to explore what else is out there? Do you understand what I mean, has anyone felt this way, being happy and content with your partner, but still wondering (and even acting on it), if this is it or if there is someone out there, who may match even better?

 

I'm just wondering, since I never felt that way... I was happy and satisfied with my ex as a boyfriend, I never even had eyes or interest in anybody else, even after 3 years....

 

Thoughts??

[Sookie]

Good point endy,

 

so do you think those people have never really loved before? I mean, they think they love, but in fact they are just infatuated and in love and think it's more a feeling ... I think you are right, we are taught, love is great, love makes you happy, love can conquer anything...but in reality it's much more than that, love is a give and take, love is to accept that nobody, neither ourselves nor our partner included, are perfect, but that you accept and love them for who they are, with all their (little) flaws. I think, when love/ the relationship becomes "work", some people start wondering and start thinking there must be something wrong, is this it and leave and try to find the easygoing "feeling" of love back... but yes, in this case, people don't know what true love is....

[Sookie]

I agree with this, too! And I find it sad, but I suppose it's not too uncommon, especially for younger people... I for one liked it when my relationship with my ex reached a deeper stage of attachement, which I would call "love"... that you know the other person well, know, what they think, how they feel, how they would react to certain situations, that you have seen their true colours, have seen their flaws and still feel they are the ones for you, despite knowing, no person, no relationship is "perfect", no relationship is always only nice and dandy all the time... in the fairytailes and in the movies, yes... I think it's true, that society gives us a wrong impression of what love is...

[endy]

Good point endy,

 

so do you think those people have never really loved before? I mean, they think they love, but in fact they are just infatuated and in love and think it's more a feeling ... I think you are right, we are taught, love is great, love makes you happy, love can conquer anything...but in reality it's much more than that, love is a give and take, love is to accept that nobody, neither ourselves nor our partner included, are perfect, but that you accept and love them for who they are, with all their (little) flaws. I think, when love/ the relationship becomes "work", some people start wondering and start thinking there must be something wrong, is this it and leave and try to find the easygoing "feeling" of love back... but yes, in this case, people don't know what true love is....

 

 

Honestly most people classify love as a feeling or set of feelings. It's an act in a relationship to me... Well it's pretty much an act period. I think the majority of people on the earth do not understand what love is. It's a HUGE part of figuring out who you are to me. I did not understand love or how to love the right way until I started studying buddhism. Pain and suffering are a direct result to love, but at the same time there would be no pain and suffering if we could not love. In a relationship to me the major way you love in buddhism is to be able to take care and embrace your feelings, your pain and suffering, and communicate it with your partner.

 

In other words being skillful and not lashing out in anger, or causing pain because they caused you pain. Not reacting, but thinking before you act, having insight, understanding, and compassion. Only then is love possible. I think it's common for most people to realize that once the in love feelings are gone, the relationship starts to stress a bit, and the balance of masculine and feminine then gets out of wack. People tend to start losing attraction if that attraction is offset for a period of time. It's difficult to explain, but I think that's why the majority of people leave.

 

There are definitely people that are in love addicts. My ex was one. She actually left her ex for me because she was falling in love with me and pursued me. At the same time, 7 months later after a misscarriage a month before, I was left for him because she was doing the same thing with him. She chased an in love feeling. Did not even take a week after the breakup to go back. Do I think that they have not loved you, or really loved? No, I don't think thats true. When you FALL in love, you're loving yourself and it's just the love within you being reflected to you by the other person. Is that love? Yes, but I wouldn't say it's true love yet. True love is an act. In other words they may have very well loved you, but were not skillful enough to recognize it, and treat you the right way. They probably just look at it as a feeling, and when that fades... so does the relationship. They take work, and understanding.

 

She admitted while in the relationship she had no clue what love was. I would say that it takes a huge heartbreak, a realization in a pattern, or another way for them to realize what love is. To love you need to understand, or have an understanding of the universe to me, or god, or whatever you believe. We are all connected by love alone, and it's inside all of us. But it by far is not easy to understand. Knowing how to love unconditionally, which is instinctual to a healthy individual with a child, is by far a lot harder with friends, and other people because of their actions. Really on a spiritual level, that's what you want to strive for. To love everyone including yourself, and then you should attract a like person back.

 

The truth is usually it takes a hell of a lot more to hold a relationship into place. You need to understand attraction, at least as a man and how it works. You need to know how to balance a woman's energy and bring her back to her feminine self usually. The energy a man and woman hareness is far different to me although there's both in them respectively. Understanding that, and women as a man is important to me.

 

I think self help books are somewhat useless although I've read a ton of them. I've read a lot but what really works, is looking deeply within yourself. Looking back at your childhood, starting to figure out why any patterns in relationships exist. If there was a common person you were attracting or if your past relationships feel like they've been with the same people. Realizing if you have any psychological issues like codependency, abandonment etc, then working and education yourself on those.

 

Looking deeply I felt like I was never good enough, and didn't love myself. This was due to my parents just not using positive reinforcement, and telling me I could always do better. I was attracting people which felt the same but were much more screwed up psychologically than me. I seriously had the same relationship over and over for more than 10 years just different people.

 

What helped me understand love was reading Thich Nhat Hahn. Buddhism is not a religion to me. It's the ability to look deeply within yourself and have insights into feelings and situation. I always recommend reconciliation and then anger by him. There is also a book by him called true love, which I would recommend reading after those other two.

 

If you practive mindfullness you'll look deeply and do the exercises. You'll really start to realize what you need to work on first and foremost. With that said, you'll also start to understand your ex more. If you being to look deep back at your childhood, start to understand then you'll be able to love correctly, you'll have understanding and insight. With that comes compassion. Only then is true love really possible IMO.

[Ms Darcy]

Wonderful posts endy. Completely agree.

[MarnDark]

Oh, for sure, age had a HUGE part of why my last two relationships ended. Early 20's btw. Both of them had GIGS. I recently caught up with my first ex. She has found a guy that she is completely in love with and she told me she would not be so confident in him had she not had been with me. In fact, she told me that she probably would've had the same GIGS feelings with him had she not been with me. You and I sound alike. When I broke up with my first ex I just knew we were wrong for each other, she never came back to me as we both felt this way by the time we broke up. Now, my recent ex is everything I've ever wanted and genuinely the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. I've never looked at another girl the same way, never even thought about wanting to look.... BUT I'm her first love. I honestly believe had we met later in life we would've gotten married as we talked about it many times and I'd like to believe she loved me as much as she said she did. It's a tough situation we find ourselves in. It's hard not to feel like some kind of scapegoat. I mean, what happens if after they look for that "better love" they don't find it? We have to live with the break up, with that pain.

[Destiny2112]

GREAT post endy!! Thanks!!

[Destiny2112]

I agree!I think this applies to my ex as well, I was his first real relationship, too, although he was already 24 when we got together, but he never really had a serious relationship before me... and I think (sure, we never really know) had we met later in life, it could have possibly worked out... I know, all the "what ifs" don't matter and I shouldn't dwell on it anymore... but I do believe that circumstances and timing play a very important role in whether relationships work out or not... and believe that, probably quite often, that the right people meet, just at the wrong time... and that sometimes no one is really to blame for the break up... well, like in my case, if for example the distance is in the way, I can't really blame my ex for falling out of love with me and in love with someone else... circumstances and timing were bad...

[Sookie]

Wow, thank you for your wise words, endy!!! That is a great post!

 

Do you think sometimes a new person may be necessary for our ex's to realize what they lost, when they broke up with us?! I know, I shouldn't wait for it to happen, though... I'm sometimes just wondering... maybe after dating others our ex's realize that the relationship with us wasn't all bad or maybe they'll realize they found someone even more compatible in the new person?! Or is it more, "out of sight, out of mind" and they may remember us one day, but still keep moving forward with their lives without looking back? I just miss my ex soo much... but he is happy with someone else now... that stings

[endy]

I don't think with a healthy person a new person is necessary. I think what is necessary is time for them to realize what they lost. Usually in a rebound once the in love stage wears off that's when their mind starts wondering and looking back. Honestly though, you should love yourself enough to not allow them just to waltz back into your life. Who the hell are they to put you as second best? I'll answer that... someone that doesn't deserve you. It's not about pride, it's about loving yourself enough to know you deserve better than that.

 

If there was a substantial relationship and connection of 6 months or more... Yeah, I've found that usually the ex will think about you again at the least. It will probably take time though because they are busy with the "new love". After that wears off... that's when the thoughts/feelings will start to come out again usually. Then again, there are rebounds that work, but they are very few and far between.

[askltk]

Another great post

[MarnDark]

Endy, great thoughtful and inspiring. Thanks. As I approach the first month post break up I am still struggling with letting go. I still have her on that pedestal and I am trying so hard to take her off. The fact is, she was indeed many things I would want in a woman. I called her perfect because I thought I couldn't (and never did) imagine a girl more suited for me and my personality. It is actually hard for me to think about the things I liked about her because they were quite numerous. She used to tell me the same. In our last meeting I told her I loved everything about her, and she said to me "you already know that I feel about that for you". Well, obviously those words were not true. Obviously, to her, I was not good enough. I wrote this to her in a letter and she actually got upset that I said that. She was upset with me! There is something about that attitude that I will never understand. You are right though Endy, who the hell is she to make me second best? WHO THE HELL IS SHE TO POSSIBILITY PUT ME AS SECOND BEST!? I do deserve better. I'm been a kind person my entire life, when I met her I just thought to myself "This is it. This is the girl that I've deserved my whole life.". For 16 months I thought that and she does this to me!? She will think of me? In my letter I told her she would. She may not regret it, but she will realize the mistake she had made. Enough. I deserve better.

[O-shen]

Endy - another one of your great post's. We are the same age and i wish i had your insight.

 

I also wonder if my ex of 8 years will think of me again and realise we could of had something? I realise now that i am definitely one of those people that feels like they need to be with someone to be happy. The difference is, that i recognise it is not agood thing and i am trying to work on it. I havent been single longer than 6months my entire life, so at almost 30, some time alone is probably best, sooner than later. I guess i have abandonment issues from childhood, so when a partner leaves, i feel abandoned again aswell.

 

My ex and i shared a very strong bond over the eight years, despite our issues. I was always open, and caring to her, and endured to make her feel very special and loved, not only from what i said, but by my actions. I went above and beyond on occasions, and did some things for her, which i know she will never forget.

 

I know its time to let her go, and i am, but like most on here, we all truly wonder wether they will simply forget us? And if they did think about us fondly, would they reach out?. I know its time to focus on ourselves now, and to fix up those attributes that need work. It's not so much as a longing for them to come back, more of a curiosity thing, wondering if they will ever regret thier choice. I guess if they ever contact you again, you will have your answer.

 

But in the meantime, the answer is to work on yourself. I am kind of thinking of attacking it in an odd way. I am going to work on myself as best i can, so "hypothetically" if and when the ex reaches out, i am the best person i can be. Now i KNOW, there is every possibility that i will never hear from the ex again, and i accept that, and heres how i think this could work.

So I dont hear from her in 6 months? Thats okay..Keep working, getting mentally and emotionally better, i am only getting better with the more time that passes, so thats okay. No word in 1 year? Keep hard at it still, working out, getting physically fit, getting healthy and trying new things. And what if i never hear from her again? Well that would be a win-win wouldn't it, because that means i will never stop improving myself. I am sure not only at some time in this process will you reach a point where you feel THAT GOOD, that you dont even WANT your ex back, but if you have seriously worked that hard, i would say it would be more than likely you would have begun to attract others to yourself in the meantime.

 

It's just a theory, but hell, anything to try make this into a positive.

 

Wether the grass is greener on the other side or not, only time tells i guess. Hot tip would be ...to pluck out all your weeds, give yourself a heavy watering and turn yourself into a lush patch of lawn yourself.

[endy]

That's a good post O-shen... And it's true that you will feel that good. That's the whole point... that you feel that you're worthy, loveable, confident, and positive again. If you give all of that off... that's what you attract as well.

 

I'm 6 months out or so, and I don't worry about her contacting me anymore. I don't need or want to contact her either. I'm happy by myself, and just bought my dream house pretty much at 29. I think about her sometimes, but honestly I already know I'm not breaking NC for at least a year or until I know I want a new relationship. It would just be out of curiosity even now. Not to get her back. As far as I know she's still in a relationship, and well I'm going to respect that. What she did was screwed up to me, but at the same time... She's screwed up and a broken person from childhood and I have understanding, insight, compassion and love because I understand that now.

 

Until she addresses that... it's going to be the same and that's something she needs to fix herself. She just doesn't realize that. Hopefully she has now and is working on it for her sake. I would love to see her happy, but I know for her to be truly happy it has to come from within. She looked to me for that, and the relationship was unhealthy for the both of us.

 

What will happen? The universe will decide. Either way it is a win-win situation, you're right. You personally need to be single for at least a year though bud IMO. Way too long not being alone and not going back to yourself.

[thejigsup]

Okay, I may not be very popular for my answer, but here goes: I broke up with a man because I KNEW I could do better. I was single for a year after breaking up with him. I dated around but didn't meet my "better" man for a year, and then I did and he was worth waiting for! If you aren't someone's ideal, find a person who thinks you are. I will never settle for second best and I wouldn't want anyone I was with thinking of me that way.