wheelerdealer Posted September 17, 2011 Share Posted September 17, 2011 I'm in a very strange place and wondering if anyone out there has gone through to the other side so to speak with codependency. How did you initially feel when you realized the scope of your codependency? How quickly were you able to make changes to your behaviors and dealings with others? Was professional help a must? I am just starting to realize the depth of how much I put my entire existence into what other people think of me, or how I think they're thinking/feeling. This, along with realizing I think about 100 different self defeating thoughts, has brought my awareness squarely to my complete lack of self worth or self esteem. I'm reading "Codependency no more" and realizing that I'm so completely locked down with fear and insecurity that I'm really not in control of my own life. It's honestly frightening. It has become paralyzing cage for my life or lack of life. Another thing is my constant deep deep deep readiness to people please. Anyone I meet is better than me, and more capable than me. I have extreme fear of confrontation, of expressing my opinion because I fear the consequences of doing so. I don't even know what I'm afraid of anymore. I don't even feel like I have an opinion most of the time anymore. I now have this constant feeling of agitation and anger that I think is arising from the fact that I can't go on like this. I've been going off of what other say/advise/think/feel for so long I don't know if I've ever had the ability to think for myself. I'm so tired of seeking validation and approval of basic decisions that I make. I almost don't even know if I should post this. Instead maybe I should be writing these things in a journal or something because what if I'm just using the reply's to this thread to further my need for approval? I've entered counseling but it's frustrating because the guy is only a drug and alcohol counselor and only has 30 minute sessions with me every month and a half. I can't even remember what he says after a month and a half, or what he directed me to work on. I feel like a shell just going through life, I have things to offer others I'm just completely lost in the confines of my own mind. Thanks in advance and sorry for the whining, part of me just feels like I have to get this out. I keep digging and finding more and more and more to process. I want to not hate myself. Link to comment
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