No commitment, gave him the boot!

[harper06082]

I have given my guy of five years the boot. He is still not even ready to live with me, never mind get married. I am guessing that it has been easy for him to say no, because he is lazy about moving in with me. It would be a very big pain, selling his house, moving his abundant amount of possessions (this happens to be our only choice).

 

I have accepted losing him, because I could not go on like this, I am not young.

 

I am hoping that now he will be forced into a decision, after a month or so, when he realizes I am very serious.

 

I always hear - do not start communication, if he does, just be polite. If they don't want you after 3 months, give up, and NEVER sit waiting by the phone.

[abitbroken]

Did you give him an ultimatum about moving in, or commitment in general? I warn you that not everyone sees moving in together as a step to marriage. My boyfriend and I are not doing it. It doesn't mean we are not serious about marrying eachother. I would usually say that giving someone a "crap or get off the pot" might be valid sometimes, but did you talk about what would happen if you were to marry if you had assets? Selling a house is no easy matter - what if he doesn't have enough equity to make sense? - why is the only option him moving for you versus you both moving into his home down the road?

Also, what are the other factors? Does he have children living with him? That makes a difference. Hard to side with you or him without more info. Did you talk about both being marriage minded when you met or did he give you the "i don't see myself married thing" or did you give that to him?

 

I think that you shouldn't stay with him if you are not getting what you want, but if this is out of the blue and you are demanding him to sell his house etc, without talking about things, etc, and the process of things or what each of you is willing to compromise on if you both have assets, then I can see his side too.

 

you can't force a decision. Either he is going to decide to marry or move in with you because he wanted to but didn't think it was a big deal to you, or he is going to stand his ground. He might even just decide its best to end it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Moving in together is no real commitment, particularly if you want to get married. So even if he chose to move in with you, doesn't mean he would be any more committed and looking ahead to marriage. How old is he and has he been married before?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I just read through your thread from 2008, I guess about the same guy. No big surprise how this ended up. He cheated on his wife with you and then dumped her for you but at that time was still somewhat hanging on to his ex-wife. Now several years later he still won't commit to you...remember that even though he was married before, that did not stop him from violating his commitment. This guy is not committed to relationships..he proved that when he cheated on his wife...and your love did not change him either. He is who he is.

[Mauxly]

I read this as, "I dumped my boyfriend to teach him a lesson. I hope he learns his lesson in a few months and comes back willing to do it my way."

 

I was hoping to read, "I've wasted too much time in a dead end relationship and am moving on with my life."

 

I hope this works out for you, but you've made a huge gamble. I'm not a fan of using breakups as leverage to change the relationship. Better to break up knowing that you no longer want the person in your life.

 

Anyway, best case scenario is that he comes back and agrees to move in/marry you. Now you've got a domestic situation that was formed under duress. I can't imagine how stressful that would be.

[abitbroken]

I just read through your thread from 2008, I guess about the same guy. No big surprise how this ended up. He cheated on his wife with you and then dumped her for you but at that time was still somewhat hanging on to his ex-wife. Now several years later he still won't commit to you...remember that even though he was married before, that did not stop him from violating his commitment. This guy is not committed to relationships..he proved that when he cheated on his wife...and your love did not change him either. He is who he is.

 

If this is the same guy - are you counting five years from your first encounter or from when he was legally available to date you? When someone had no break between relationships, they had no time to heal. Also, if he was awarded the house in the divorce by some chance, I doubt he would be eager just to dump it. But at any rate, how can you expect a commitment from a man who cheated on his wife, and on the other hand, because you were party to that, you don't respect commitments either - so how can you expect to do a 180 and expect him to also?

 

Honestly, if this were all the case, I would take the time to heal, move on, be by myself for a long while and examine things - then seek out an eligible, never married and single, or divorced for a long time, or not recently widowed man who is legally and emotionally ready to date. In other words, seek commitment from a man who is open to giving it to the right woman even if it doesn't end up being you. Maybe something will happen and during that time he will be and reenter your life but its not too likely.

[PrettyGood]

Well if you gave him ultimatum - it won't work. If you want to achieve something this way, it's enough to say: "We've had a wonderful time and I don't regret the time we've spent together. I think the world of you. But obviously we want different things, so we need to do the right thing. I love you and I want you to be happy, I want you to have what you are looking for also. I think it's time for us to move on." This is when you have to show him that you are different. No late-night drama. No crying. No guilt trips. No victim on the premises. Don't have any further conversations with him. The reason silence is golden at this point is that anything you say after that will let him know he can buy time, stall or "okeydoke" you. Any weeping or crying in a discussion lie this will show him, you are unsure, and he'll think he doesn't have to change a thing. He will not take you seriously. So simply emphasize what you want and stay calm. He will know that it's not a hormone-driven decision and it should scare him far more. Also it's not what you say, it's how you hold yourself when you leave.

[harper06082]

He has no children. He is 48. Was married 18 years.

 

This was not an ultimatum. Over eight months ago we discussed it and I told him that is what I expected. To be honest, I think it would have been best

for him to admit a couple of months ago that he was not going to be ready.

 

I can live with not getting married. I can't live over 20 miles apart anymore.

 

We can't live at his house, the distance from my work would prohibit it, but he does not have to sell it. He could rent it out. There would be no economic problems. He said I was the "love of his life". He tells me how wonderful I am, and I was very good to him.

 

He started seeing a therapist last week, but he has tried therapy before. It's like he is just confused about everything. I know I said he seems lazy to move all

his stuff, but I think that is part of it.

 

Thanks everyone.

[Stay_home]

Somebody who cheats on their spouse, well, isn't exactly the poster-child for committment.

[harper06082]

I would like to just say something. It is something sometimes I want to shout from a rooftop sometimes.

 

Average good people DO cheat sometimes. They are not all nasty, awful people that will end up in Hell. The man was faithful for 18 years. The marriage was

troubled. He was unhappy, vulnerable and weak when he came accross someone who could give him attention. No, he is not a saint and most of us are not. Now, he and I know that you must pay attention to a relationship and fix your problems when they come up. I trust him.

 

He was a very good husband, and I still would love nothing more than to have him be my partner for the rest of my life. I realize that is not going to happen, but I think it is normal for anyone in my situation to keep a little tiny bit of hope in their heart.

[abitbroken]

Tell us what this is really about.

 

You said that you gave him an ultimatum to marry, and now you say you wouldn't mind not being married but you can't take the distance??

 

You just don't like the idea of being in the home he shared with his ex wife. If that is what it is, own up to it. You can't give a guy an ultimatum and then say "well, i didn't mean it. i am okay if you dont I just want you to dump your house.

 

BTW, 20 miles is nothing. My bf commutes 40 miles to work and he did before he even met me. You can't commute 20-40 minutes to work to be with the man you love if you really care about marriage and its not about the house?

[harper06082]

Tell us what this is really about.

 

You said that you gave him an ultimatum to marry, and now you say you wouldn't mind not being married but you can't take the distance??

 

You just don't like the idea of being in the home he shared with his ex wife. If that is what it is, own up to it. You can't give a guy an ultimatum and then say "well, i didn't mean it. i am okay if you dont I just want you to dump your house.

 

BTW, 20 miles is nothing. My bf commutes 40 miles to work and he did before he even met me. You can't commute 20-40 minutes to work to be with the man you love if you really care about marriage and its not about the house?

 

 

Nope, never gave an ultimatum to marry. Never gave an ultimatum. Just told him many months ago that we had to be living together in the Fall. 20 miles is what I am tired of driving to his place, besides the longing to be next to him every night. Work is much farther in the other direction - 50 miles.

Thanks for "listening".

[abitbroken]

You have valid reasons for wanting him to move and he probably has equally valid reasons to not move or expect that you move. His reasons have not been presented. In all fairness, you would have to tell us what his reasons are for wanting NOT to move or wanting you to move. Right now, it just seems like its for your convenience only. When someone moves to be with someone or two people move together, it should be a mutual decision and of mutual benefit. Where does he work in relation to home?

 

50 miles - if you are going 50 mph all the way it will take you less than an hour to go to work, and if you are driving the highway it will be slightly less. If you moved in with him or moved near him in your own apartment, you would have a longer commute but you wouldn't have the situation of needing to come home from work, take care of your place, then arrange to see him, etc. It would cut out time, too. You COULD be next to him every night.

 

But the other thing is - is he hesitating because he likes his own space and he is used to/likes going to bed at night alone or having a quiet morning? That can be the case with some guys who are a bit older.

 

I totally get what you are saying, I don't like laying in bed alone at night either, but that is what my bf and I have decided to do until we are married, etc. So I understand the feeling. It is just that its hard to really say that he doesn't have his own reasons that are equally valid to yours.

[abitbroken]

You have valid reasons for wanting him to move and he probably has equally valid reasons to not move or expect that you move. His reasons have not been presented. In all fairness, you would have to tell us what his reasons are for wanting NOT to move or wanting you to move. Right now, it just seems like its for your convenience only. When someone moves to be with someone or two people move together, it should be a mutual decision and of mutual benefit. Where does he work in relation to home?

 

50 miles - if you are going 50 mph all the way it will take you less than an hour to go to work, and if you are driving the highway it will be slightly less. If you moved in with him or moved near him in your own apartment, you would have a longer commute but you wouldn't have the situation of needing to come home from work, take care of your place, then arrange to see him, etc. It would cut out time, too. You COULD be next to him every night.

 

But the other thing is - is he hesitating because he likes his own space and he is used to/likes going to bed at night alone or having a quiet morning? That can be the case with some guys who are a bit older.

 

I totally get what you are saying, I don't like laying in bed alone at night either, but that is what my bf and I have decided to do until we are married, etc. So I understand the feeling. It is just that its hard to really say that he doesn't have his own reasons that are equally valid to yours.

[harper06082]

Okay, yes, I think it is mostly wanting his own space and gotten used to living alone.

 

In reality, it seems like men like this have just as much right to say "Don't you love me enough to just keep dating"?

 

While I/we say "Don't you love me enough to live together"?

 

Somehow the second seems much more legitimate.

 

It is funny really because he would get so many benefits from it (meals prepared, his massages, regular sex, help cleaning), while my only benefit is

really just being with him and now I just throw my Lean Cuisine in the Micro, but it is so worth it to me.

 

[harper06082]

Thanks all for sharing thoughts.

 

He was still not ready to live with me, and so I have ended it.

 

He seems fine and I know that he is thinking, that whenever he is ready he can just snap his fingers and I will be there. There would have to be strong actions, not words.

 

Isn't one of the most difficult things about breaking up to move on? To settle inside yourself that there will be no miracles that you will get back together and everything will be wonderful? There is always that glimmer of hope that takes so long to die.

[PaintWithLight]

I am glad you came to this realization and be strong! Try and find peace with your decision and your life with open up with new possibilities. This is a much more constructive approach than the "I will teach him a lesson by leaving and in a few months, he will come back a changed man".

 

There seemed to be a big difference in expectations. You are ready for a full-time partner NOW. Look around, there are some great guys who are in the same zone that you are in life. The miracle you will discover is the new strength in purpose and a life without compromise. Good luck!!