Losing a friend without even realizing it until it's too late - very confused

[Applewhite]

So I had a friend - I thought we were very close. We've been friends for over a year maybe two? We both have busy schedules so we meet about once a month or so and have long chats. We recently signed up for a bartending class (I signed up because she did) although we couldn't arrange our schedules to take it at the same time. I did join her for 1 class (where she knew all the people and I only knew her) and she was a little cold to me that day. She barely even said hello or acknowledged me when I first walked in, later on said hello etc but something was awkward. She just treated me very weird that day and in the following days kind of ignored my messages and didn't return calls etc. When I asked why she is so busy for me she wrote me this:

 

"The truth is I AM very busy, but besides that I don't feel comfortable with you. Whenever we talk about anything, you always disagree with me. I feel like I have to think twice or three times before I say something! I just don't feel like this friendship is gonna work out. I am sorry if I ignored you, but it is difficult to actually say negative things about someone."

 

I seriously have no idea what she is referring to. (And I've never been told this before so if it's true I'd really like to know). My first instinct was to write: My perspective was that on the contrary we have so much in common and agree on almost everything! but I realized I would be disagreeing with her so I stopped LOL. I told her she can tell me and please do, maybe we can fix this etc. and asked what I had disagreed with could she give me an example so I can understand it better.

 

I have a feeling she might not answer as her message sounded so final. I'm completely baffled. I've been trying to brainstorm what I could have disagreed with since I last saw her (which seemed to go fine). One thing I could find on our FB chats is this: when talking about finding bartending jobs she told me that she was only looking for a Friday night or weekend shift. I told her that was going to be tough and good luck. I don't remember if I explained why so maybe she took it personal if I didn't explain? I am not even sure if this counts as 'disagreeing' with someone. The only other incident I can think of was several months ago when she asked me a favor and I had to decline because of personal issues - again not exactly disagreeing...

 

Any ideas?

[Applewhite]

She was online now for a while and didn't even respond. I am just so confused!

[camus154]

Breaking up with friends is almost worse than breaking up with romantic partners.

 

I have no idea what may have happened here, but I completely understand your bafflement. But my advice is pretty much the same as it would be for a romantic situation....just let it go. If you know you didn't do anything to provoke this and you've never heard anything similar from other friends, then why not just chalk this up to a mismatch of personalities? It's not very fair that she won't elaborate on what's bothering her, but if she isn't willing to put forth the effort to maintain this friendship, then I wouldn't waste time trying either.

[Applewhite]

It's just that we had such similar personalities and we had so much to share due to our similar backgrounds and it is SO ironic. I seriously cannot remember one single thing I disagreed with. We would often share stories about our lives for hours on end and talk though very private things. She was so level headed and smart... you are right it's just like a normal breakup if not worse. I feel so rejected and I don't even no why. I have no closure. I can't believe she decided to end it without ever mentioning things first. Was I really that bad of a friend??

[Applewhite]

I remember in the very beginning of the friendship she would tell me to stop apologizing so much and asking if I offended her etc. Now she tells me I disagreed too much??? I just don't get it at ALL! It's driving me bonkers. And I thought we were SO close.

[camus154]

I feel so rejected and I don't even no why. I have no closure. I can't believe she decided to end it without ever mentioning things first. Was I really that bad of a friend??

 

I doubt you were a bad friend at all. Isn't there some quote about friendships being like coats or something? Where they fit for awhile but eventually you outgrow them or something?

 

I've found that getting closure is something you really have to do with and for yourself. I had an ex girlfriend who I literally never spoke to again after the break up, and the hardest part was realizing and accepting that I'd have to gain that closure for myself. It took a long time, but eventually that's exactly what I did.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it. Think of the millions of people out there, all with different personalities and sensibilities. It's really quite remarkable that we make as many friends as we do.

[meoww]

maybe she's going through a hard time right now and is taking it out on you a little bit. I know that has happened to me before!

or maybe you've had a recent success or something...some people just can't be happy for other people.

 

by the way--are you sure you're being honest with yourself? my meanest frenemies were always the ones who thought there was absolutely nothing wrong in our relationship. Anyway--you seem like a nice person but I just wanted to say there may have been things you have overlooked.

[Applewhite]

maybe she's going through a hard time right now and is taking it out on you a little bit. I know that has happened to me before!

or maybe you've had a recent success or something...some people just can't be happy for other people.

 

by the way--are you sure you're being honest with yourself? my meanest frenemies were always the ones who thought there was absolutely nothing wrong in our relationship. Anyway--you seem like a nice person but I just wanted to say there may have been things you have overlooked.

 

I wish I could remember SOMETHING anything that she could be referring to. The weird thing is she claims that I disagreed with EVERYTHING. I really can't remember 1 thing! Like I said all I can come up with is that I said it's going to be really hard to find a weekend shift for a bartender with no experience.

 

In terms of recent accomplishments - I don't really have any that I can think of. I've asked her a couple of favors both of which she turned down - which is fine but I wouldn't categorize this as I disagreed with her (that just doesn't make sense - does it?) There was also one favor she asked me which I had to turn down. But she said that she had to think twice when talking to me - I can't understand WHY.

[Applewhite]

And it sounds so final where she says: I don't think this friendship is gonna work out.

It seems like she's already decided. So could it really be that she is taking things out on me?

[superfox]

Aww hunny, i feel for you, I've just lost a friendship of three years too but due to someone else interferring. I've been upbeat when I've bumped into her but I can tell she's gone.

 

I'm not going to dwell or sulk but move on. I saw her in a shop the other day and went over to chat, she talked for a while but it was with a few subtle 'digs'. She knows where i am and she should know i'll be there for her if needed in the future.

 

I've a feeling that some friendships do have a sell by date, those from school, those from other young mums at playgroup. You tend to love them for a few years then drift away mutually. Strange.

[Applewhite]

Aww hunny, i feel for you, I've just lost a friendship of three years too but due to someone else interferring. I've been upbeat when I've bumped into her but I can tell she's gone.

 

I'm not going to dwell or sulk but move on. I saw her in a shop the other day and went over to chat, she talked for a while but it was with a few subtle 'digs'. She knows where i am and she should know i'll be there for her if needed in the future.

 

I've a feeling that some friendships do have a sell by date, those from school, those from other young mums at playgroup. You tend to love them for a few years then drift away mutually. Strange.

 

But this is really weird for me. She is telling me I did something that I am not aware of doing. I am dying to know what I did. I'm also hurt that she would just unilaterally decide to end a friendship without even telling me what I did wrong. I guess I was that disposable to her.

[Applewhite]

This is what I've written so far:

 

"Disagree with what? Im so confused. Sorry i made you feel that way. I really didnt mean or want to. Can you just give me an example so i can better understand? I really am clueless

 

Also feel comfortable to say negative things about me if you believe hey are true. Friends are allowed to criticize me and i still consider you a friend. If i knew what bothered you i would try to fix it"

 

Should I say anything more or is it overkill from here? I'm just so hurt that she wouldn't tell this to my face or just mention it before she decided 'this relationship isn't gonna work out'.

[meoww]

I know it might be too late--but that text sounds a little abrasive--she might not respond well to that. Perhaps something like, "Hey, I know you said you weren't comfortable talking to me anymore but it would mean a lot to me if we could talk." Then you can just talk to her in person in a few days after she cools off a little, it'll probably be easier that way.

 

If you already reached out to her, how did it go? Did you find out what's going on?

[Applewhite]

I already sent it and there was no response. Really? That sounds abrasive?? I guess I am just socially clueless or something.

 

The funny thing is this is really bad news to me because she is one of the people I disagree with LEAST! In particular I don't even remember ever disagreeing with her!!! So if she of all people feels this way...

[meoww]

I already sent it and there was no response. Really? That sounds abrasive?? I guess I am just socially clueless or something.

 

The funny thing is this is really bad news to me because she is one of the people I disagree with LEAST! In particular I don't even remember ever disagreeing with her!!! So if she of all people feels this way...

 

It wouldn't bother me, personally, but I thought of how it sounds if read in a slightly irritated or passive aggressive tone of voice. It sounds like you are challenging her judgment or being flip, rather than accepting what she has to say.

 

I wouldn't start getting paranoid about your other friendships though. You can always ask a good friend if they honestly think you're clueless. I mean, if this is the first time you've been confronted like this, chances are this is an issue with her and not you. Hope you feel better soon!!

[Applewhite]

It wouldn't bother me, personally, but I thought of how it sounds if read in a slightly irritated or passive aggressive tone of voice. It sounds like you are challenging her judgment or being flip, rather than accepting what she has to say.

 

I wouldn't start getting paranoid about your other friendships though. You can always ask a good friend if they honestly think you're clueless. I mean, if this is the first time you've been confronted like this, chances are this is an issue with her and not you. Hope you feel better soon!!

 

Thanks that makes me feel a little better. I just wish I hadn't lost her as a friend whether it's her problem this is or mine, the result is the same

[Moontiger]

I have been on both sides of this. I had to break up with a friend who really didn't understand why I was ending the friendship and I have been broken up with my a friend. It can suck, but its also very normal for people to out grow each other. You will find people who are more willing to discuss issues they are having with you and those are the people you want as your friend. Not someone who wouldn't even tell you something was bothering them.

[Applewhite]

I have been on both sides of this. I had to break up with a friend who really didn't understand why I was ending the friendship and I have been broken up with my a friend. It can suck, but its also very normal for people to out grow each other. You will find people who are more willing to discuss issues they are having with you and those are the people you want as your friend. Not someone who wouldn't even tell you something was bothering them.

 

Yes, this actually makes a lot of sense. Even it was really me and my actions that caused her to feel this way, if a friend cant discuss somrthing as simple as this with me how can we share deeper things and be there for each other in times of need? The more I think about it its certainly an issue on her end that she cant bring up something as simple as this and prefers ending a friendship instead.