tnmom66 Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 This situation I am in is really getting crazy. I'm seeing a therapist to help me get through it, but I am so msed up. I met my ex 4 years ago when I was in a bad spot emotionally. I knew he was commitment-phobic, and when I met him, I was, too (I wasn't reacting well to my ex husband getting remarried and somewhere in my mixed-up mind I felt that getting a "boyfriend" would keep me distracted, and getting someone who clearly didn't want a long-term relatinship with me would leave me free to go back to my ex-husband should his marriage not work out). Everything was fine till I got pregnant 3 months into the relationship. Now our daughter is almost 3. We have a wonderful coparenting relationship and I even say we are friends (when I'm not mad at him). Before I got pregnant, we were dating exclusively and he was afraid I'd find someone else before he did. I swore to God that I wouldn't have sex with anyone else but him as long as I lived, or until he replaced me or had sex with someone else or gave me reason to think he had. Well, he claims he has been celibate all these years. He dumped me 1/2 way through my pregnancy and a few months after the baby was born he invited me to have a FWB relationship, but I declined...I wanted him to marry me. So, we hang out with the child, as a family unit and get along well. BUT he will not be alone with me, will not look me in the eyes when he talks to me, will not share details of his life, will not engage in meaningful conversation, and will not touch or kiss me or allow me to touch him beyond a casual hug. He may occasionally kiss me on the top of my head, or pat my back or something like that. He doesn't do any of the things he did when we were close. He obviously avoids these things. I felt that he would never overcome his intimacy issues, and I have, so I decided to start dating to hopefully find someone who could give me love and affection and commitment. He got mad and said that he doesn't want another man around our child. I gave him hell for using our daughter to manipulate me--basically he said I had to choose between my daughter and a man being in my life full time. So, now he's saying that he wants me to keep him abreast of all my dating activities so he can be sure I'm not getting involved with some psycho that might hurt our child, but for me to be aware that he may be dating, too. The whole reason I felt "safe" dating is that I thought he was not capable of having a relationship with anyone. I have told him over and over that he is my number one choice, but he isn't and says he can't (right now, maybe later) meet my needs. So, I am all upset now. He is saying he wants to get married and "start a family". He started a family with me, already! He said he doesn't have feelings for me anymore....that's what happen in relationships-people have feelings, they get married, feelings change, they get divorced. So, if that is true, why is he wanting to get married? Besides, I don't agree. Feelings are cultivated. The only reason he doesn't have feelings for me is because he stopped doing the things that created intimacy. The only reason he will ever have feelings for another woman is if he does those same things. He needs to be alone with her. He needs to look into her eyes when he talks to her. He needs to share his thoughts. He needs to have physical contact. Part of me knows he's just trying to manipulate me. He's saying, "I didn't date because you didn't, but now that you are dating, I will, too". It is better than using our daughter, but he's driving me nuts! I know most people don't think like I do about children needing to have their parents together. I know there are more "blended" families than "intact" families. I do love this man, even though I haven't felt "in love" or sexually attracted. I know that I can have those feelings again under the right circumstances just like I know he can have feelings again for me. I am in therapy and it was my therapist who encouraged me to date. I told him I didn't feel "free" because I promised not to have sex till he did, and he claims that he hasn't. My therapist said he might lie to keep me where he wanted me. Of course, he might. But I'm not 100% sure of what I should do. My therapist says if I don't want to be single the rest of my life, I need to get with a man who is emotionally available. It burns me up to think that he'll put effort into starting a new relationship. well, if and when he does get married ...that will be the end of it for me. But he has kept me in limbo for 3 1/2 years...or rather I have kept myself in limbo because I didn't feel right bringing a new man into my life when I have children at home. I am really agitated about this. I have 2 issues....my vow (which I have not broken) and not wanting my child to have a stepmother OR a stepfather BUT I also don't want to be lonely, single and celibate for the rest of my life. Part of me wants to stop dating. I know that will make my ex happier, but it won't make him love me or want me. And I will feel bad. Part of me wants to keep dating and not be manipulated. He can have me if he wants me, but he doesn't want me. And doesn't WANT to want me. I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. He doesn't want me, but he doesn't want anyone else to have me. I don't want him to continue this current state of affairs (I love the co-parenting, but I need MORE) but if I can't have him, I don't want anyone else to have him either. I don't want to live with him or to have him live with me while my older kids are at home (about 6 more years).But I want the intimacy and affection and the feeling of being "coupled" that we had for 7 1/2 months. I just want it to be permanent. I want commitment from this man. I thought me finding another man who had a busy life and would be okay with a "part-time marriage" while I was a full time mother (believe it or not, I have already found a man open to the idea!) was the answer. I didn't think he'd ever pursue another relationship. Why? He already knows he runs as soon as things "get serious" and he's 40, so I think he's pretty well set in his ways and i know his history with women. Textbook commitment phobe. I'm 45 and have had very little experience with men. I married young and spent 30 years wrapped up with a man who finally married someone else (but she divorced him after a couple years). Having this child limited my options, but I do not regret my decision to keep her. I feel like we are good parents to her, but I still believe that ideally, a child's parents should be in a loving, committed relationship. I am kind of mad at my therapist now...I was sad to be trapped into a life with no romance or affection from a man, and only a small thread of hope that I would ever have it. Now my life has the possibility of love and romance with a new man, but I still feel held back my my child's father. I want him to be happy, but I don't want him to be with another woman. I feel like a monkey wrench has been thrown into my plans. I was enjoying the prospect of sharing part of my life with a man who thinks I am wonderful and who showers me with positive attention and affection. Now I am hesitant to continue to pursue the possibilities of this new relationship that seems so promising. In exchange for what? A dead-end 'relationship' with a man who cannot connect with me now that I am in a position and mindset be truly committed to him. I am 99.999% positive that this man can't connect with me or with anyone else. I am sure my daughter wouldn't want me to be celibate and lonely for the next 16 years for her sake. Why is life so complicated? I know my problems are insignificant compared to some and I am incredibly grateful that my child's father is so devoted to her and is so good to me. He really is good to me in many ways. He is a wonderful man. He just has some issues that are a huge roadblock. And I've got my issues, of course. But I'm good to him, too, and we are both great parents. But I think it would still be best if our child's parents were "together". Link to comment
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