Will potential mates be turned off by my fwd history?

[Luna Sea]

Some of my friends tell me that if I want a serious relationship in the near future, I should stop my fwb relations right now. According to them, any loyal guy with morals would not be ok with me having had such arrangements because it says something about my character, and any guy that's ok with this history is probably not the loyal type himself. I disagree with all that because I'm a very loyal partner, and if me and the guy are at a point where I'd share this info with him, we'd have known each other quite well, and if he'd write off a whole relationship because of that, he's probably not the right person for me anyway.

 

My other friends have basically the same opinion as mine, but I wonder if what these guys said have some merit to it. What do you all think?

[Anonymous 6]

Personally I don't think it matters, there is a possibility that it could weird some guys out. The way I see a FWB is you don't want anyone to get hurt, your simply fulfilling your basic human needs and being honest about what you want from them (no relationship). In my opinion, I think that guys get weirdly jealous about that sort of thing. If your new relationship hunny does so happen to ask you "when was the last time you slept with someone". Just say that it was a casual encounter, and you are getting past that sort of thing. (totally just an opinion)

[camus154]

Here's what's gonna happen:

 

You're going to eventually meet some guy you really like, and the two of you are going to start a new relationship. Meanwhile, you'll end the FWB relationships but still be friends with them.

 

And then at some point, somehow, it's going to come out that you messed around with all of these friends and it's going to cause havoc with your new guy.

[Luna Sea]

@Anonymous - That's what I thought too.

 

@Camus - That's very true. I guess having only 2 fwb (as opposed to all of my friends) is beside the point here...

 

Does that mean I should stop because of a potential mate that may or may not be there in the future? It doesn't really make sense to me.

[camus154]

I don't think you should stop for someone who isn't even in your life yet. But if and when that happens, you probably won't want to mention any of this with the new man either. You also probably won't want to continue friendships with these guys either.

[Luna Sea]

I see. It's going to suck ending the friendships but if the guy is worth it then that's how it'll be.

 

If there's any more comments/suggestions any of you have, please post! I'm open to hearing ideas

[shes2smart]

Who says you have to mention it at all?

 

IMO, the only thing you have an obligation to disclose fully is your health status. Details of past relationships - FWB or otherwise - including the number of people you've been intimately involved with - is something you have a right to keep to yourself and choose NOT to share.

[Grace696]

Hi Luna,

 

I really don't think it's any future partner's business who you are sleeping with right now, or that it's a FWB situation. In my thinking, 'any loyal guy with morals' would realise this. To me it would seem controlling and insecure for a boyfriend to judge what you did beforehand (except perhaps if it was a cheating situation or similar). Plus it taps into the whole 'a girl is a sl** if she's into sex' thing, which I have little patience for.

 

As long as YOU are happy with the situation from a moral point of view, don't let someone else's (especially an imagined someone else at this point) judgements make you feel bad about yourself or make your decisions. Like you said, anyone who would make a big deal out of this is not the right person for you. I mean, some people are going to judge you for, I don't know, as an example ... eating meat. Does this mean you should stop eating meat if you are morally ok with it, just because a future partner thinks you are wrong to do so? (This is purely an example. Please everyone don't jump on the whole eating meat thing...)

[Day_Walker]

Any guy you date has no control over how you choose to conduct your sex life prior to meeting them. If they are trying to impose their "morals" on you then it probably wouldnt be a good idea to date them in the first place.

[HeartGoesOn]

Who says you have to mention it at all?

 

IMO, the only thing you have an obligation to disclose fully is your health status. Details of past relationships - FWB or otherwise - including the number of people you've been intimately involved with - is something you have a right to keep to yourself and choose NOT to share.

 

I agree with S2S...well said!

[nutbrownhare]

I do not talk about my sexual history with current partners.

 

I had a short-lived relationship with someone about three years ago; one day he looked at me and said "I wonder how many lovers you've had..." to which I responded, "Oh, you mean this week? Only about 40." The point is that the only one who is of any importance at all is the one you're with now.

 

I don't want to know about my partners' sexual history, either. I'm sufficiently experienced to be able to tell which guys have had a lot of partners, and which haven't. We both need to know about diseases or infections, and that's the only relevance to the here and now.

[Ariel85]

Um, the reason you would need to tell him is...?

[Luna Sea]

Thank you all for your informative replies!

 

Well I wouldn't volunteer my sexual history, but if he asks, I should be honest right? If I start dodging his question wouldn't that be more suspicious? Plus I'm a very blunt person so even if I want to deflect the topic I can't

[nutbrownhare]

I certainly wouldn't be honest! (See my reply above - it's not true, I swear )

 

My style is to turn it into a joke whilst maintaining my privacy; but no, you don't need to be honest about something which has absolutely no bearing on your current relationship. It's your business and nobody else's. I wouldn't lie, though. Unless it was such a glaring lie that they'd gather I was joking (again, see reply above).

[Luna Sea]

Lol, I know you were joking, kinda

 

It's just that I can see how a not-so-straight answer would turn into an argument. Then again, an argument would only result if the guy is insecure, which is probably not something I want anyway.

[shes2smart]

Thank you all for your informative replies!

 

Well I wouldn't volunteer my sexual history, but if he asks, I should be honest right? If I start dodging his question wouldn't that be more suspicious? Plus I'm a very blunt person so even if I want to deflect the topic I can't

 

From what I've seen many (not all) people who ask you for a number or details about your history are generally looking for what they deem to be a "correct" answer.

 

Woe be to you if you don't supply the correct answer. As it turns out, a number of people who ask for such information simply cannot handle it if it is not what they were expecting to hear, and you will either waste a lot of time and energy reassuring them OR defending your past actions. Neither sound like much fun to me.

 

I'm also pretty blunt, but in combination with that a smart ass. nutbrownhare's approach is the approach I'd take, too. The humor deflects, but also lets them know it's none of their business.

[nutbrownhare]

To be honest, most guys just don't even ask. I don't ask about their sexual histories either. I cited the example above because he's been the only person to ask in, well, about thirty years.

[Batya33]

I think the answer is that since your values justify casual sex it wouldn't make sense for you to get seriously involved with someone whose values didn't justify it. But I wouldn't judge someone who had an issue with it.