Do you ever feel like comparing stops you from moving on?

[yarg682]

I really like this girl, I've been talking to her almost 4 months and we're so close to being in a relationship but we just can't seem to get there. She was in an abusive relationship it makes it really hard for to get close to anyone so she just keeps pushing me away. A few days ago she decided she just wants to be happy with me and go out with me but told me I have to meet her parents first which I'm perfectly fine with. Despite this sudden decision that she really wants to be with me she hasn't said anything to me in days and this is how she always gets when she gets nervous and pushes me away. I'm really trying to just move on but I always seem to come close and any girl I seem to talk to never measures up, even though this girl has some real problems I'm really attracted to her, we have a lot in common, I've been talking to her for so long and her bestfriend's really trying to help me out because he thinks me and her are right for each other and I can make her happy. I try to keep my options open but no other options seem as great it's starting to really get to me that she pushes me away like this though.

[jjcool00]

If you're still comparing you were most likely not ready to start a relationship. I am in your shoes currently where I still compare everyone to my ex (its been two months) and even though other girls are interested, aggressively interested ive had to brush em away even telling some of them flat out "im just not ready for anything right now." I don't know what advice to provide you since you are currently in the relationship but to start thinking about your current girl as the top dog and if you can't you may want to move on.

[LaKings55]

I wouldn't pursue it. I understand the thought process and these conditions of meeting her folks and everything, but having dated a couple of girls who were with "abusive" guys before, they'll never fully trust you. They'll constantly be waiting for you to flip out and hit them. She's going to need therapy before she's able to full function in a healthy relationship. I'm not saying my experience will be your experience, but people have a bad habit of carrying their baggage with them from relationship to relationship. In the end, you have to look out for your own happiness, and find someone who adds to rather than diminishes that happiness. If you enjoy walking on egg-shells, then you'll love this type of relationship. But, your choice, nothing any of us say or do can change your mind. If it were me, based off my experiences in similar situations, I'd be honest, tell her that I don't believe she's ready for a relationship and walk away with my dignity. With time spent, emotion grows, so if this does become a relationship, the break-up will hurt far more than walking away right now. I know relationships are a gamble to begin with, but I believe in hedging my bets by trying to avoid past drama. Most people have some type of drama or baggage, but strong individuals find a way to cope and not let it bog them down. Those who struggle, hold on to the hurt and push others away. Best of luck

[Anonymous 6]

Ok, being a girl with a troubled past; I get this girl. Have you tried sitting her down and talking with her about this whole thing?? letting her know you are not a monster? Possibly a slight reminder that if you WERE to do something to hurt her, she has every right to walk away. Try you hardest to have A LONG talk with her about the situation, let her know you are concerned about her past, and you want to make it better. Talking with her about her past and providing some sort of imput in the conversation will let her know that you understand, and you are still there-

 

p.s Just to give you a heads up, dealing with someone who has a difficult past will be VERY difficult at times on your end depending on what she has been through, rape, abuse, molestation, deaths, anything along these lines can and sometimes will send your girl packing when you slip up especially in the wrong way; The fear of being hurt can sometimes overpower love by a long shot. I for one have been with the same guy for 2 1/2 years and STILL have yet to trust him

 

I wish you the best of luck, you seem like a nice guy.

[Stay_home]

Sometimes you really have to think a bit beyond a relationship and think about if the situation that you're getting yourself into is something that can flourish. What I'm getting at is, that sometimes a relationship may be something that we want but not what we may need at the time. If the girl you're seeing is really and truly making an effort to get past an abusive past relationship, this could take some time. Not to mention, acquiring a relationship with her is only the starting point. I guess my point now is, is this woman emotionally healthy enough to date serious and exclusively? Because right now, it sounds as if you're a little more tuned into the sound of dating than she might be.

 

p.s Just to give you a heads up, dealing with someone who has a difficult past will be VERY difficult at times on your end depending on what she has been through, rape, abuse, molestation, deaths, anything along these lines can and sometimes will send your girl packing when you slip up especially in the wrong way; The fear of being hurt can sometimes overpower love by a long shot. I for one have been with the same guy for 2 1/2 years and STILL have yet to trust him

 

This is why in my personal opinion it's probably just not a good situation to get yourself into. She's given you a stipulation asking that nothing can happen unless you meet her parents. That's all well and understood, but then again that kind of means she doesn't fully trust herself enough to trust her own judgment and also may be an indication that she may not be ready for a serious committment.

[yarg682]

Well what do I do then? If I'm not ready for a relationship because of her and she's not ready for a relationship how do I get anything done? I feel kinda stuck

[sjjohnson89]

I recognize this, the push/pull. I can say, that she likely thinks highly of you and wants to be with you, her 'lack' of progress is actually a lot of progress given the issues she obviously has. To say, she will never trust you may be far fetched. But, trust will take a lot longer to gain from her, making it that much more special. Think of her as a flower that needs special care upon approach, patience. This is all part of her guard, which she has developed to protect herself from going down the road she has been on before. Sub consciously she is testing you to see if you are worthy of her trust, because of her experiences she has developed this defense mechanism that is unnaturally high is this area. She will likely need constant reassurance from you to earn her trust, but, earning it will take a long time at the very least. Youve got to be prepared to be very patient with her basically, accept that things will move slowly, if you truly care for her romantically you will do this. It depends, how much do you like her? Because youre going to have to go through a lot likely to gain her trust which is an essential ingredient in a relationship.

[sjjohnson89]

It sounds like you've had an experience of being romantically involved with someone with the condition of BPD, at least certain issues under the disorder. Non BPDs sometimes come out of a relationship with a BPD with bitterness, often lacking compassion for the individual. Yes, it sounds like this girl needs therapy, but, she likely needs people there for her in order to support her through it, drive her to help herself. If she is left by loved ones then her/his issues only get worse. Those that struggle with very core issues usually are very strong individuals, usually far stronger than that of the average person because they deal with so much in there daily lives, internally. "Most people have some type of drama or baggage, but strong individuals find a way to cope and not let it bog them down" This is not always true, everything is relative to what the individual is facing. Internal damage or underdevelopment in certain areas is life affecting, changing. These individuals often have to suffer through so much internally, alone, this takes a lot of strength believe me. I guess, its something you have to live with to understand.

[LaKings55]

I guess, its something you have to live with to understand.

 

I'll put it this way, the latest one suffered from anxiety issues. We still made it work for a year, but it was the baggage from her last issue that really bogged us down. I myself have "mild" aspergers, but I've learned to cope with it and thankfully my social interactions aren't really lacking because of it. It all depends on your perspective. In my opinion, if you can tell before going into something that it's just not a win-win situation, you really should reconsider. Harsh, but true.

[yarg682]

Thank you, your answer is incredibly encouraging I constantly lose faith in this. According to her friend she talks about me all the time and sometimes she really worries about me. It just seems to get harder as it gets easier when there's a major step like this I get too excited and after a few days of being ignored I need to remember that she's just getting nervous and I can't get all up in arms about it. I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

[sjjohnson89]

Thank you, your answer is incredibly encouraging I constantly lose faith in this. According to her friend she talks about me all the time and sometimes she really worries about me. It just seems to get harder as it gets easier when there's a major step like this I get too excited and after a few days of being ignored I need to remember that she's just getting nervous and I can't get all up in arms about it. I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

 

Try not to let the negativity of some people feed your doubts, there is no such thing as a win-win situation in regards to relationships, often the harder something is the more someone appriecates it as well as increasing the level of emotional attachment. Im glad though i was able to restore some faith. She sounds like a special person and worth the effort, i hope things work out for the both of you.

[inveniamviam]

As someone who's been abused herself, her behavior seems normal and expected. I know it's difficult to grasp it.

 

I tend to do this push/pull thing a lot, even with my friends, who I've known for most of my life (that's largely because there is this disparity between how my atypical childhood and their own - I feel like we can't connect on that level). It's almost like a defense mechanism for me. Sometimes, I'm not conscious about it and then, there are other times when I am completely doing this intentionally because I immediately freak out when someone gets close to me. It's less about the person and their own qualities than it is about my own personal insecurities. (So, don't be so hard on yourself!)

 

I don't know. I think it stems partly from this need to preserve one's sense of self. If I feel like I throw myself out there and allow myself to be vulnerable with another human being, there's a chance (no matter how minuscule it is) that it's gonna completely blow up on me and I won't know how to manage myself or if I'd ever heal and be able to pick myself up. Sometimes, it's just a basic trust issue - both trusting someone else and above all, your own judgment. Other times, I can't wrap my mind around the idea of someone being remotely interested in me other than harboring some kind of ulterior motive (like abusing me again). Then, there are issues of intimacy and engulfment. It's a mess and certainly not black and white. I know how irrational (and unfair) this might sound, but it's the product of a shattered psyche. It's not something that can be erased overnight or fixed upon going into a relationship.

 

It's complicated. But I genuinely believe, if you are willing to be patient with her and show understanding (can't stress this enough), she will be more comfortable around you. It's baby steps, really. She probably will oscillate back and forth (emotionally), even if you guys are in a full-fledged relationship at some point. It's up to you whether you are willing to deal with that.

 

However, sometimes there's only so much one could do for another. Take me, for example, I really need to get my emotions sorted out together before I commit to anyone.

 

But, I really wish you the best. I genuinely hope it works out.

[yarg682]

This situation does get increasingly worrisome, we haven't had an actual conversation in over a week. She just texted me at 5 in the morning saying "I know it's early in the morning but I just wanted to tell you I'm glad you're gonna meet my parents" but I tried to see when I could meet them (gave her my work schedule and all that) she hasn't said anything to me it makes me a little nervous. On the other hand they work on an oil rig so they're out of town almost all the time she might be nervous to tell me because she thinks I'll get mad even though I've done nothing but show her that I'm not an angry man at all.