Drawing Boundaries with an FWB

[reboundstudent]

Hey everyone,

 

I've got a pretty typical but still vexing problem... how do you deal with jealousy and boundaries when in a friends-with-benefits situation?

 

I've been hanging out with the same guy I mention in these two threads ( and )... So as you can see, about two and a half months now. When we first started hanging out, he said he "wasn't ready" for a romantic relationship, but wanted to do friends-with-benefits. So since then, we've been hanging out once or twice a week, watching movies, playing video games, cuddling/making out, and having other random adventures.

 

However, it's started to get a little weird. He's always been very communicative... at the minimum I hear from him at least once a day. Every single day, he either texts, calls (30-40 minute calls just to chat), or sends me a link on Facebook. Some days he does all three. He's introduced me to several of his friends, his best friend, and both of his parents (separately, even.) He often wants to hang out for the entire weekend, or wants me to stay the night, "just to cuddle."

 

On the one hand, the attention is really nice, especially as I do like him. But on the other, it all feels very... couple-y. I try really hard to keep my feelings in check, as I know none of this concretely says "relationship," but sometimes the temptation is just too much.

 

Here's the thing that's really been getting me. He has lots of female friends (his best friend is female; she and I get along great.) There's one particular friend who he hangs out once every few weeks. He'll spend hours at her place, just the two of them. Sometimes they hang out so late he crashes on her couch. He even does his laundry over there. He says he's not sleeping with anyone else, and that she and him do the same kind of things I and he do," except me and her have our clothes on."

 

But it makes me super uncomfortable. I know I have no right to be jealous or suspicious, but I am. I try never to show it... I never ask questions about her, or what they do together. He supplies all of this information freely. He'll even call me on the way to her house/on the way home from her house, or text me while he's there," Great episode of , me and her just finished it!"

 

I want to tell him to stop telling me about her, stop telling me when he goes over to her house and how long he stays, and what they do together, and I especially want him to stop calling me before or after he hangs out with her. But I don't know how to tell him that without seeming jealous or "serious"... after all, friends-with-benefits is supposed to be casual and free of feelings.

 

So how do I bring this up without seeming insecure? Do I even have the right to ask that he not do this, since we're not in a relationship?

[camus154]

So how do I bring this up without seeming insecure? Do I even have the right to ask that he not do this, since we're not in a relationship?

 

You have the right to say ANYTHING to him, so long as you're prepared to deal with the consequences.

 

I think you're missing the bigger point here....WHY are you jealous/uncomfortable by this? You say you know you shouldn't be, but you are. That tells me you're beginning to cross out of the FWB stage into developing exclusive feelings for him. Perhaps it's time to reevaluate your situation and what you expect out of it.

[Hollyj]

This is why FWB does not work.

 

You need to remove yourself, as you have feelings for this guy.

[reboundstudent]

Yeah, I know I'm crossing over the line of FWB, which is why I'm trying to police my feelings more diligently. I've considered just pulling the "cut and run" (cause if it's not a relationship, no need to have the "break up" talk, right?) but at the same time, it seems counter productive to throw away something that is fun and enjoyable most of the time just because I get too emotional and overly analytical.

[camus154]

but at the same time, it seems counter productive to throw away something that is fun and enjoyable most of the time just because I get too emotional and overly analytical.

 

And you think over time you're going to become less emotional and analytical about it?

[Batya33]

Why is it "too emotional" to care and feel jealous about your sex partner possibly having sex with someone else? I call that normal and what you are trying to accomplish with your sex partner unusual at best. I'd especially feel jealous when the reason this is just a sexual arrangement is because he doesn't want a relationship with you . I think you can do much better for yourself.

[Hollyj]

Yeah, I know I'm crossing over the line of FWB, which is why I'm trying to police my feelings more diligently. I've considered just pulling the "cut and run" (cause if it's not a relationship, no need to have the "break up" talk, right?) but at the same time, it seems counter productive to throw away something that is fun and enjoyable most of the time just because I get too emotional and overly analytical.

 

Why not have 'fun' with someone while being in a relationship? Why would you settle for so little?

[Mustachio]

I think you need to have a discussion with him about what you really want or stop having sex with him lest your feelings become too much to handle given your "situation"

[reboundstudent]

Why not have 'fun' with someone while being in a relationship? Why would you settle for so little?

Cause I can't find one. For the last year, I've gone on dates with several guys, but every single one just wanted an FWB... They "weren't ready to settle down," "couldn't handle it," "were still getting over an ex" (after two years)... It's kind of looking like FWB is gonna be all I can get, so that's what I'm trying to accommodate myself to.

 

I think you need to have a discussion with him about what you really want or stop having sex with him lest your feelings become too much to handle given your "situation"

Actually, that's what I did... I told him we needed to back off on the sex, which he was totally fine with. But it hasn't really helped... if anything, it's made it worse, because he's ramped up the emotional intimacy stuff. Like, he wants me to spend the night just to cuddle. Or will put his head in my lap. Lots of physical, intimate contact without the sex is even more confusing...

[DylanNotorious]

But you don't need to act out in a way of desperation. Why settle for being a desperado?

 

Unfortunately you will have to put up with his constant texting - as you have put yourself in this situation. If you feel jealous then get out of this. There are plenty of other guys to have fun with.

 

Your going to get majour hurt.

[Hollyj]

Cause I can't find one. For the last year, I've gone on dates with several guys, but every single one just wanted an FWB... They "weren't ready to settle down," "couldn't handle it," "were still getting over an ex" (after two years)... It's kind of looking like FWB is gonna be all I can get, so that's what I'm trying to accommodate myself to.

 

 

Actually, that's what I did... I told him we needed to back off on the sex, which he was totally fine with. But it hasn't really helped... if anything, it's made it worse, because he's ramped up the emotional intimacy stuff. Like, he wants me to spend the night just to cuddle. Or will put his head in my lap. Lots of physical, intimate contact without the sex is even more confusing...

 

I'd rather be on my own than settle for crumbs. I would also question the types of men you're attracted to.

[Mustachio]

So either tell him that you want more or you need to back off all the intimate stuff as its too difficult for you.

 

Beyond that, you say you are settling for this because you havent had any luck finding a real boyfriend. Well thats a pretty defeatist attitude and its only going to lead to you settling on something over and over again that isnt what you want.

 

Also, when I said you should talk to him, I mean really talk to him about what you want, if you want more that is (which it sounds like you do).

[reboundstudent]

I'd rather be on my own than settle for crumbs. I would also question the types of men you're attracted to.

Nerds? That's really the only connection between them... that they're all a little "nerdy."

[Hollyj]

Nerds? That's really the only connection between them... that they're all a little "nerdy."

 

I'm not talking about types. I mean what type of values do these people have, and are they people who bring drama and baggage? If there is a pattern with dating people who are incapable of relationships, you are the common denominator.

[reboundstudent]

I'm not talking about types. I mean what type of values do these people have, and are they people who bring drama and baggage? If there is a pattern with dating people who are incapable of relationships, you are the common denominator.

 

Well I've agreed to go on a date with every single guy who was interested, so it's not like I'm necessarily picking them (any guy I've asked for hasn't been interested)... so perhaps I'm just the type of person that no one wants to date seriously. In that case, isn't it better to get some needs met through a FWB than be alone?

[camus154]

Well I've agreed to go on a date with every single guy who was interested, so it's not like I'm necessarily picking them (any guy I've asked for hasn't been interested)... so perhaps I'm just the type of person that no one wants to date seriously. In that case, isn't it better to get some needs met through a FWB than be alone?

 

I don't know...is it? You're the one going through this, after all.

[reboundstudent]

I don't know...is it? You're the one going through this, after all.

 

I'd say so, thus far... Which is why I'm trying to figure out how to either banish my feelings of jealousy, or talk to him without giving away that I have emotions about it.

[Hollyj]

Well I've agreed to go on a date with every single guy who was interested, so it's not like I'm necessarily picking them (any guy I've asked for hasn't been interested)... so perhaps I'm just the type of person that no one wants to date seriously. In that case, isn't it better to get some needs met through a FWB than be alone?

 

No. Because it depletes your self-esteem.

 

We all pick the people we go out with. I think you're missing some red flags and choosing people that are incapable of relationships. If you were really open, I believe you would attract men who open to a relationship.

 

You do not send a good message when you settle for little, it shows you do not value yourself. if you do not value you, then why would anyone else.

[reboundstudent]

Okay, aside from "You have low self esteem and you should end it," does anyone have any advice on how to handle talking about this?

[calichick007]

Well I've agreed to go on a date with every single guy who was interested, so it's not like I'm necessarily picking them (any guy I've asked for hasn't been interested)... so perhaps I'm just the type of person that no one wants to date seriously. In that case, isn't it better to get some needs met through a FWB than be alone?

 

Not in my opinion. Not if it's not what you really want, and not if you can't handle it - most women can't. And it's a supreme waste of time. The time you spend on these dead-end situations is precious time you COULD be spending looking for someone who thinks you're worthy of more than something casual, or time you could be spending improving yourself so that you're a good match for the kind of man you really want. This situation is temporal, and will very likely not end until he finds a woman he thinks enough of to truly pursue. Then what? You move on to the next FWB and wait for the rejection there? Not worth it, IMO.

[DylanNotorious]

Yes. You could sit him down, and shake your finger at him and demand he stop seeing this other girl.

 

No seriously, that should work.

[calichick007]

Okay, aside from "You have low self esteem and you should end it," does anyone have any advice on how to handle talking about this?

 

There's no productive way to talk about it if you're not prepared to end it, IMO. Your only option is to tell him it makes you uncomfortable and hope he respects it. What else could you do?

[Rose30]

I think the best way to talk to him is to be honest about your feelings, tell him you've started developing feelings for him, which seems to be the case and you are no longer interested in friends with benefits situation, you would like to try dating and see if that leads to a relationship. See what he says, and take it from there.

 

I know you don't want to hear the line break it off or low self esteem so I won't say it. But remember as long as you're involved with this guy you won't be able to find someone who might be really interested in having a relationship with you, and no matter what you think now you will find that special someone at some point. Its just the matter of do you want to waste your time on this guy, or free yourself up for a better opportunity that will make you truly happy?

 

Good luck

[Ariel85]

Cause I can't find one. For the last year, I've gone on dates with several guys, but every single one just wanted an FWB...

 

Actually, that's what I did... I told him we needed to back off on the sex, which he was totally fine with. But it hasn't really helped... if anything, it's made it worse, because he's ramped up the emotional intimacy stuff. Like, he wants me to spend the night just to cuddle. Or will put his head in my lap. Lots of physical, intimate contact without the sex is even more confusing...

 

To the first part - where are you meeting these douchebags?

 

As for him "ramping up the emotional intimacy stuff", he's doing this to seduce you back into sleeping with him with no strings.

[reboundstudent]

To the first part - where are you meeting these douchebags?

 

As for him "ramping up the emotional intimacy stuff", he's doing this to seduce you back into sleeping with him with no strings.

 

Anywhere, really. Some I meet online, some I meet through friends, some I meet at nerdy things (this guy I met at a convention.) And there really doesn't seem to be much of a connection between all of them except we have similar interests-some of them are extroverts and love having a busy social life, some of them are homebodies, all of em seem like genuine nice guys who "have been hurt." (That's the current guy's line, that he can't handle a relationship because he put himself out there a few months ago, and got burned. That's all he'll say about it.)

 

I guess I don't see the point in talking to him about dating... I just want him to stop mentioning this other girl. Calling one FWB while you're leaving the house of another-maybe-FWB just seems really cheap and harsh. (Or texting me while he's hanging out with her... I haven't noticed him texting people while we hang out.)