I respected her decision, should I try a year later?

[l69]

We were only together for 9 months, but when she chose to end it, I respected her wishes to keep me out of her life. I thought I'd be able to move on and just forget her, at least enough to let me live my life. After all I'm still young and have a life ahead of me. And I couldn't be clingy after only 9 months, it would have been embarrassing to say the least.

 

But it hasn't been like that at all, even after strict NC (stopped talking right after we broke up) and dating other girls, focusing on productivity, hanging out with friends, improving myself, etc. I still find myself missing her, and thinking about her.

 

I never smothered her post-BU. As soon as she said she wanted to end it, I stayed away and didn't text her (as a matter of fact, deleted her number). I didn't block her from FB but deactivated it for my own benefit too. I never really looked at it again. We also go to different colleges now (in different cities), so it's not like we've run into each other. We always had different sets of friends too. The mutual friends were mostly on her side, and not that good friends of mine.

 

I still want her back.

[dabbledave]

Question is: If you initiated contact now and found out she was happy in another relationship, how would you handle it?

[mhowe]

why?

 

If you haven't heard from her in 9 months, and considering your age, I would assume she has moved on. If you contact her, are you prepared to hear she's dating someone else, and is even surprised to hear from you? Are you prepared for her to respond rather coolly after the initial hello?

 

If you're not prepared, than I would say you want her back because she chose to end it.

[l69]

I don't know how I would react. But I'm certainly not making any improvement without contacting her either. It just seems like I have nothing to lose anymore.

 

It sucks that she's probably the most beautiful girl I've ever been with and I'll ever be with.

[camus154]

It sucks that she's probably the most beautiful girl I've ever been with and I'll ever be with.

 

That's the root of your problem right there. Beauty comes and goes. It's trivial. It's a dime a dozen. There are tons of beautiful people out there.

 

I wouldn't contact her at all. It sounds like you've moved on yourself and are going through some kind of rut where she's popping back up in your mind. You've already gone a year without contact, and if you're in college, a year is practically a lifetime; neither of you are the same persons.

[mhowe]

If you haven't made any improvements in 9 months --- why would you think she would want to hear from you. I assume she broke up with you for a reason. And you actually do have something to lose --- your dignity. If someone tells you to get out of their life, why would you head back in without an invitation.

 

If you are lonely, do something about it. Trying to rewrite history isn't the answer.

[l69]

I guess you're right. She was my first so it's harder to forget. I wish I could have that back.

 

but it is true I won't get a girl like her in this lifetime.

[minimini]

Guess I'm going to be in the minority here, but I think that it wouldn't hurt just to contact her and see what's up. You may not like what you hear, and you have to be ready to accept that. But you never know... gotta view the glass as half full. Call me a dreamer, but it could be the best move you ever made.... you never know. No use going through life wondering "what if". Good luck with whatever you decide....

[mhowe]

As my grandmother used to say "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride". Cripe, I sound like Dr. Phil.

 

You will always have a place in your heart for your first....but 99% of the world doesn't stay with them. You can have the feeling back, however. But, and here is the hitch --- you have to actively pursue it. Happiness isn't out there looking for a place to sit --- you have to engage in life in order to get something from it.

[l69]

Guess I'm going to be in the minority here, but I think that it wouldn't hurt just to contact her and see what's up. You may not like what you hear, and you have to be ready to accept that. But you never know... gotta view the glass as half full. Call me a dreamer, but it could be the best move you ever made.... you never know. No use going through life wondering "what if". Good luck with whatever you decide....

 

That's what I was thinking. What if I die wanting to be with her and knowing I was never man enough to pursue her?

 

Or what if I die today, and I never got a chance to tell her how much I really loved her, that I couldn't get her out of my mind this whole year.

[camus154]

That's what I was thinking. What if I die wanting to be with her and knowing I was never man enough to pursue her?

 

Or what if I die today, and I never got a chance to tell her how much I really loved her, that I couldn't get her out of my mind this whole year.

 

So what? What if that happened? Odds are, it won't. Odds are, in another year's time, you'll have moved on with another gal thinking the same things about her.

 

You're young. You have plenty of time left. It makes absolutely no sense to look backwards when you have so much ahead of you.

[mhowe]

I'm sorry, but at your age if I broke up with a guy on my own initiative (my choice, not his), and 9 months passed and I hadn't tried getting in contact with him ==== and he randomly calls me out of the blue......creepy. I'd be "yoooo buddy....get a life". But, that's just my opinion --- and that is what you came here to get!!!

[abitbroken]

My first boyfriend contacted me a year to the date of us breaking up. It was really creepy actually. I was not happy to hear from him. I was weirded out that he had seemed to have planned it all that time because he reminded me it was exactly a year. This relationship did not even last a year and now the length of the breakup is longer. I would let it go. If you randomly and accidentally cross paths - then that's one thing, but seeking her out again wil have her on the defensive.

[thejigsup]

YOU WILL NOT DIE THINKING ABOUT "WHAT IF?" I have had several "loves of my life" pass through my arms and heart in my lifetime and I've loved each and every one of them very, very, much. But I know I won't die thinking of any of them, it doesn't work like that. Life is for living, so get out there and live!!! My bf died several months ago and I don't spend my days in mourning...I am living and living well. I don't date yet, but that will come. I'm just busy doing what life is all about...living! Do that and she will just become a distant, fond, memory. If your still hung up on her after this long, maybe you need professional help letting go.

[Laylan]

I don't know how I would react. But I'm certainly not making any improvement without contacting her either. It just seems like I have nothing to lose anymore.

 

It sucks that she's probably the most beautiful girl I've ever been with and I'll ever be with.

 

Seriously it would not be the end of the world if you did contact her. People aer so quick to say oh don't contact, don't contact but if you just can't get rid of that feeling and just want to know so badly than just do it, who cares, take a change. At least this way you'll be able to look back and be like well at least i tried. Or how about maybe something good does come out of it. Everyone is always so afraid to make that move. Come on people, its really not that big of a deal either way. If you feel like contacting her will bring you right back to day one than ya i'd say don't but if you just feel like you have to know than just find out and get it over with.

[camus154]

At least this way you'll be able to look back and be like well at least i tried. Or how about maybe something good does come out of it. Everyone is always so afraid to make that move. Come on people, its really not that big of a deal either way. If you feel like contacting her will bring you right back to day one than ya i'd say don't but if you just feel like you have to know than just find out and get it over with.

 

For me, and I'm assuming for the others here as well, I'm speaking from experience. I've never looked back and thought, "Well, at least I took a chance." Instead, I came away feeling like an idiot when the responses were every bit as weird and unsatisfying as I knew they would be.

 

The real issue here is believing you CAN'T move on without doing something like this. That's the unhealthy part.

[Laylan]

For me, and I'm assuming for the others here as well, I'm speaking from experience. I've never looked back and thought, "Well, at least I took a chance." Instead, I came away feeling like an idiot when the responses were every bit as weird and unsatisfying as I knew they would be.

 

The real issue here is believing you CAN'T move on without doing something like this. That's the unhealthy part.

 

I agree that he'll feel like crap once he doesn't get what he wants but at the same time he'll still wonder what if he just had so to me if your the type of person who keeps thinking that to yourself after 9 months than just do it, feel like the idiot and know that you at least took that chance and nothings changed and maybe that will be the kick you needed.

 

Thats just the thing, everyone is so different and everyone processes things differently. I've been NC for 5 months almost and as much as i would have loved to contact my ex during the last 5 monthes i knew that i would never do it, its just not me. So for everyone to say oh don't contact and your better off to me is wrong becuase if thats what he wants and really feels like its what he needs no matter how many different people on here say don't, its a set back than just do it!!

[i got burned]

You respected her space for an entire year. It doesn't hurt to say hello.

[endy]

Ever notice how the people with less posts are the ones that give you certain advice and the people with tons give you the same? The issue here is you can't handle it. If you could then you wouldn't be asking if it was a good idea or not.

 

I've thought about sending my ex a thank you for the lessons that I learned email. I've not done it to date and am unsure if I ever will. However, I don't have the intention of getting her back, or even wanting her back. Even if she didn't respond it would not bother me. I don't care if she reads it or not. Hopefully she would, but if it didn't get to her then oh well.

 

All I would be doing is thanking her for the experience, because honestly if I didn't have it, I wouldn't love myself the way I do now. I would have never resolved all the issues that now enable me to be in a healthy relationship. That's the whole point right there.

 

You are physically here to learn from your experiences, be them good or bad. It's funny, want and desire are purely physical. You need to understand that not only do you have a body and mind, but also a soul. There's much more learning to do in life than let one other person occupy your thoughts, and mind.

 

There's nothing wrong with catching up, but you need to lose your intentions and take her off the pedestal you still have her on first. You are not over her, and I can almost gauruntee that if you have been pining, wanting, and needing... she's not coming back. Like attracts like, and well... the above is not attractive.