Mutual friends, the break up and no contact

[beacon]

This isn't a topic that I've really seen on the boards. Does anyone have experience with wanting to keep mutual friends and maintain no contact simultaneously? Sometimes I just think I should try to be forgiving and work towards being friends with her so we can be around mutual friends simultaneously, but I'm not sure how either of us will handle the situation. I've had one other big BU in my life and lost mutual friends that I miss to this day. I don't want that to happen again.

 

We all know that people "know" what is happening in another's life. Avoiding contact with her makes me not go to places I've been frequenting for years and even if I do go there, people will ask about it and I don't want to be in that situation. It brings about an overwhelming rush of 234 feelings at once. In order to progress, I have to feel comfortable in these places. I have to get out and see people that I enjoy. In this situation, no contact makes me feel weak and seems to be counter-productive to my progression.

 

Any experienced insight here would be very helpful... thank you for reading.

[mhowe]

I actively avoided situations or places I knew my ex would be for about 3 months. At that point, I felt if I ran into him or someone asked about him, I wouldn't care. So, my advice would be to wait a bit, and then test the waters....it's not a all or nothing kind of situation. Also, when we were broken up --- and we no longer are --- if someone asked about my ex, I'd just say he was fine. End of conversation. No one needs to know, and if they don't, then saying he/she is fine isn't a lie!!!

[northpickle]

Hello

 

I'm going through exactly the same thing, I'm only 2 weeks into break-up and I met my ex through mutual friends, we were both in the same crowd that would hang out on weekends and so on, and everyone thought it was incredibly sweet when we got together However it makes things REALLY hard now!

 

I initiated NC almost immediately after he said he didn't want to continue the relationship, but it wasn't a horrible nasty break-up. He in fact said "I don't want to be out of your life" (!) but for my own self-preservation I have resisted contacting him. I've had one breadcrumb text a few days in, but didn't respond.

 

But yes, like you, I feel isolated from my usual social group, part of me wants to throw myself back into everything and do the things I would normally enjoy, but at the moment I can't face seeing people who know us as a couple and that we have split, never mind the chance of seeing him.

 

I think I would have at least be going into low contact with him before I could realistically put myself back in that group of friends, but things are too raw right now. I just resent feeling the need to hide away like I've done something wrong but in time that will change.

 

Hang in there

[suzieann]

I havent really given this alot of thought. My best friend is going out with my ex's friend and she seems to want to tell me what my ex is up to constantly and alot of the time i just want to tell her to shut up and i dont want to know.

 

When we broke up last time he refused to go to any places that i was going to with our mutual friends, but im not sure what will happen this time. Quite an interesting topic really.

[beacon]

Mhowe, I am about to hit the three month mark now with over a month of NC, and I feel the need to address this. I miss some places and people. I just feel as though I'm having NC with everyone to some degree. It really does make progression difficult when you aren't going to places that you enjoy.

 

Pickle, people thought it was great when we got together as well and yes, it does make things strange and difficult now. I just want to be able to value the good sides of her and us both forgive anything bad that came from the relationship, but that is easier said than done and I thing it just takes time. I'm trying to be patient... best wishes with your plight.

[mhowe]

Well, my NC started at BU, so after 3 months, I was kinda okay to be out. Don't know the size of your town/city --- but if one of your friends could "scout" for you, or you could check for the car....then start going out. Cutting contact with the outside world, and your own circle of friends isn't necessary. If mutual friends ask, just politely tell them --- it's between us, or "I'd rather not talk about it". Get back out and enjoy.

[northpickle]

Pickle, people thought it was great when we got together as well and yes, it does make things strange and difficult now. I just want to be able to value the good sides of her and us both forgive anything bad that came from the relationship, but that is easier said than done and I thing it just takes time. I'm trying to be patient... best wishes with your plight.

 

Thank you, and the same to you.

 

It was difficult last weekend because I could see via FB (I have since deactivated) that he was out drinking with mates (and must have been horrifically drunk as he was spelling things wrong, one of his pet hates!) and I know how stupid and guilty he would be feeling afterwards. I do think one of the reasons he decided to end the relationship was that he thought he was losing some of these friends because of our relationship. I'm not sure why, the friends were always there. I think he thought that if he went out with me and had a few drinks then I would want "to talk" and that's a fault of mine I'm willing to admit. I just wish we could have sorted something out sooner

 

It's going to be hard this weekend as the bar we used to hang about in before we were a couple and when we were together is reopening tomorrow, after being closed for a good few months. I'm not comfortable in many places and this was one of them, and would always be happy walking in there and find a friendly face or a few. I'm sure he'll be more than happy going in there tomorrow night whereas I'm still stuck pondering whether I should even leave the house.

 

You are much further down the road than me though. I'm still in a little bit of denial and hoping he'll change his mind and want to talk or something! But I'm healing each day and I know I'll be happy again, be it on my own, with him or someone else.

[beacon]

Ha, further along? I can't even imagine being with anyone else in any way. I hate it. I've never been here. Yes, I've accepted that we aren't together and I'll eventually have to know that she is with someone else, but I'm stuck... and probably because I allow myself to be. I think of her all the time and miss her like crazy.

[purrbaby]

The only mutual friends my ex and I have are a band we both like and I am friends with his cousin's fiance. I've been on the fence about going to see this band play (Fall is always a big time for shows for them) because I do not really want to run into him. I don't know how it'll make me feel and I don't want it to be awkward, for either of us, or our friends in that band. It's not really fair for either of us to have to stay away from something we both enjoy. But for now, I'm avoiding it until I can feel more comfortable and until I feel like I'm over this whole breakup. It totally sucks tho

[mactownman]

Difficult situation.

 

I grew up with my ex. We were best friends and almost all of our friends were mutual friends. We went to separate colleges and both met many new friends, but the core "hometown" friends remained. We began dating and ended up in a serious 3 years relationship. She left me for another guy.

 

In the beginning, I did avoid going certain places. Occassionally, buddies would let me know when/where she was going to be, which was nice because I couldn't stand the thought of seeing her out with the new guy. Now, 5 months down the road, not so much. I've pretty much gotten over her and have been doing whatever I want to do...and thoroughly enjoying it. Here on ENA, the single life is underrated.

 

I know it's going to happen eventually (weddings, holiday parties, certain other events, etc.) and I will run into her and the guy. I'm okay with that. I will not live my life in an almost fearful situation. The ex no longer matters.

[beacon]

The ex no longer matters.

 

A problem I'm having is fighting this occurrence. I do want to be friends with her, but maybe I'm just fooling myself. I know break ups most often do not work out that way and (DING!) I'm making it emotionally difficult for myself by trying to let her go as a partner and keep her as a friend. There is a simple approach to this but for some reason I'm avoiding it. STOP!

 

Good for you though mactown. I'm going to be there sooner than late d#$%it!

[Imprimatur]

I am going through the exact same situation. Its been a couple months since actual break-up, and sporadic NC, she is already seeing someone else and it burns my a** that she could do it so soon after we split. I will NOT be attending any social events, although I am sure she has no problem doing that. Our friends have been very sensitive up until now and planned things separatly, but I know that is coming to an end, and I just don't feel like I am going to be in a good enough place to do it.

[mactownman]

A problem I'm having is fighting this occurrence. I do want to be friends with her, but maybe I'm just fooling myself. I know break ups most often do not work out that way and (DING!) I'm making it emotionally difficult for myself by trying to let her go as a partner and keep her as a friend. There is a simple approach to this but for some reason I'm avoiding it. STOP!

 

Good for you though mactown. I'm going to be there sooner than late d#$%it!

 

You can't expect to be friends right now. I know, it sucks, but you've got to understand that. Maybe down the road, maybe not. You will get there, don't worry.

[mactownman]

I am going through the exact same situation. Its been a couple months since actual break-up, and sporadic NC, she is already seeing someone else and it burns my a** that she could do it so soon after we split. I will NOT be attending any social events, although I am sure she has no problem doing that. Our friends have been very sensitive up until now and planned things separatly, but I know that is coming to an end, and I just don't feel like I am going to be in a good enough place to do it.

 

It sounds like you have good friends to lean on. That's important. Don't do anything that hurts you further. Maybe YOU should make some plans and invite your friends?

[beacon]

Aaaaaaagghhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm going to think of all the bad things that she has done and just keep those at the forefront for now. I do need to get angrier with this. NEED IT!

[northpickle]

Well, it's Friday night, I should be getting myself out there but still hiding away! How are you Beacon? Have any weekend plans?

[Imprimatur]

It sounds like you have good friends to lean on. That's important. Don't do anything that hurts you further. Maybe YOU should make some plans and invite your friends?

 

Thanks, I do have great friends to lean on, but there is only so much and so long it can go on. I am exhausting myself thinking about this stuff, and can't flip the switch to make it all better. It defies logic for me.

 

I think its low self esteem driving that, reinforced by the fact that I can't seem to generate interest from anyone I like.

[beacon]

Well, it's Friday night, I should be getting myself out there but still hiding away! How are you Beacon? Have any weekend plans?

 

I will be working the moonlighting gig tonight and may have a pint afterward. Also working the moonlighting gig tomorrow night. I'm going to a NFL game with friends Sunday and really want to be excited about it, however...

 

I really messed up and went on facebook for the first time in weeks (I deactivated, but a friend wanted me to see a picture so I reactivated... DOH!) yesterday. I saw a picture of her at a game that we both attended wearing my team's shirt (a team that she only followed because of me - where I started university) and looking beautiful... obviously this makes me wonder... I also sent her mother a birthday message yesterday. My mind went spinning, I didn't sleep well at all last night and I'm working a ton today, so I'm not exactly in the best of spirits. It's unclear why I do this to myself for sure...

[beacon]

Get out and do something, pickle. Make yourself.

[northpickle]

Ohhh Yep, the perils of Facebook. Actually thinking back now, before we split, the ex started behaving a bit strangely on there, posting something (like a link to a news story he found interesting) and then removing it shortly after. I'm not sure what to make of that. He does use it a lot, he does more reading of others posts than posting himself though. But I'm staying deactivated - Saturdays are the worst risk day for finding something I don't want to see anyway!

 

I nearly went out last night, but I ended up pondering it too long and then it got too late! I decided I would be just as, if not more miserable if I went out to a pub or something. I have the option of going out tonight but again, it's the old dilemma, would I bump into him? Our town is quite large but I would say there are only 4 or 5 places that we both felt comfortable in, so the chances of running into him are quite high. The similarities that brought us together are now making it hard to move on!

 

I'm glad you have weekend plans I'm still feeling like the only thing I want to do is jump in his car and head out somewhere lovely for the day, go for a coffee and walk around, talking happily, with his arm round my waist. But I can't Gahhhhhh, this is rubbish