Not anting to move out of family home

[RKO]

Hi heres my story in a nutshell.

Ive been with my gf for around 18 months, 12 of them being serious, its been rocky to say the least with a few break ups along the way, in the summer we split for a month.

Since getting serious shes been putting pressure on me to move in with her which I havent been keen about.

I live at home with my mum and little brother whos 7, I love them both to pieces and we are all so close with each other,I love being with them spending time etc, plus ive lived in my house for nearly 30 years (im 29 at the minute)

 

The thought of moving out and leaving them (even though it will only be 5 mins down the road) makes me feel sick and so upset. Im not a mummys boy at all, ive got a large group of friends who i go out with, im popular in town and have a great job. Its just the thought of leaving home is really upsetting me as i know the time is coming.

 

Whilst i do love my gf a lot and when things are going great im very happy i do have doubts over if shes "the one" and at times her personality grates on me and i question if i want to live with someone like that.

 

If anyone can offer advice or say theyve been in the same boat please help me out here....

[DN]

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."

 

Moving out of the parental home is part of growing up.

 

However, don't move in with her if you don't love her enough.

[abitbroken]

Do not move in with her. You have not been together very long and you have already broken up several times. It will not end well. Don't cave to her pressure. I would get a roommate - a male roommmate. or rent a room. And live somewhere nearby. I agree, its part of growing up. You will be better off really doing it on your own -paying your own bills, making your own schedule and even being with your own thoughts and having responsibilities. Live alone or with a roommate for at least a year.

[RKO]

I have complete freedom at home, come and go when I please, have freidns around, i already own a car have my own bills etc.

I think youre correct about not moving in with her. how can i tell her tho without breaking her heart?

[mhowe]

You say: We are not ready at this stage of our relationship to move in with each other. Our disagreements, our arguements will not lessen if we move in together. In addition, my family and I enjoy each other's company and I want to be there for my little brother. Please stop pushing on this issue.

 

At some point in time, it will be time to leave the family home and begin your own life --- now doesn't seem like it is right.

[Lithp]

No, you're not ready to move out of your home yet, so don't. People have their reasons for living with their parents, and these days it seems more common.

 

That aside, before you move in with your girlfriend you should make sure that you guys are secure in your relationship. Everything changes when you move in with someone, especially if you're in a relationship with that person. If things are rocky now, more than likely sharing a space together isn't going to change that - you have stated that her personality grates on you at times... dude, that's not going to change if you guys are living in the same house, sharing a room, etc... it'll be much worse and you will be living in a world of pain.

 

I'd let her know that right now you would just like to get yourself together, and then maybe move in on your own for a bit before you jump into that. But don't move in with her if you're having doubts about your relationship and whether you can handle being around her all the time.

Good luck!

[RKO]

cheers guys i really appreciate your help on this.

It just feels as if shes wanting to rush into everything, last night she mentioned marriage and kids...no way! not yet anyway, i told her that and she went quite and moody.

She was with her ex for almost 7 years and im sure she feels times wasted there so needs to make up for it? shes also got this huge issue that im nearly 30 and living at home. It doesnt bother me in the slightest, im happy at home and love my life!

 

Ive got friends who have been with there gfs for years and still havent moved in with each other! i mean the 2 of us havent even been on holiday with one another yet!!

 

Im going to have to man up and tell her we need to wait longer arent I? Thing is ive sorta lied to her, ive said ive had to stay home to help pay bills etc which is true but by next year my mum will be on her feet financially which is also sorta true so ill be ready then. Thing is im not. far from it

[Applewhite]

Why are you with her if you have doubts about her?

[RKO]

Hoping to get over the doubts as time goes by i suppose.

Scared that possibly I wont find anyone else. Even though we have rough patches I do trust her when she goes out with friends, I know she will never cheat on me and im not sure if anyone will ever love me as much as she does.

[Applewhite]

But it seems like 1. you are not that attracted to her and 2. you two have different life goals (she wants marriage and kids while you want to live at home for an extended period of time - years - with your mom and sibling). It's not fair that you would lead her on like this. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not even consider moving out of getting married in x years and even then you may not want to. Then let her make the choice.

[RKO]

I do have the same life goals, the fact that someone wants to get married and have everything within 1 year of being someone (and having periods of breakup during that time) i think is somethign i should be a tad worried about. do you agree?

 

As for not being attracted to her, I have never said anything of the sort.

[abitbroken]

I think that if she was with someone for 7 years and was ready for marriage and didn't get the payoff, she is more eager with the next guy (you) since she was primed and ready regardless if you are or not. It is not a bad thing - it just is. I am not saying you don't have the same goals - you are just on way different timelines. I would simply tell her that while you care for her, you are not ready for marriage and children. You think that she wants you to move in to change your mind or convince you. If she is looking for someone to get married right now, then you are not right for eachother.

 

I think that there is a big difference even though you pay for your care as far as living with parents, etc. You may come and go as you please, but when it comes down to it, if you lost your job or things changed, your life wouldn't change. someone would still cook dinner for you. When you live by yourself or a roommate, you learn more responsibility in choosing your own foods and buying them, and being responsible for the roof over your head, etc. Also, relationships with women change. You can invite them over without mom or little brother in the next room listening, or you can decide that you won't have sleepovers but it will be your choice and not because there are house rules.

[RKO]

no my house isnt like that, I pay my keep of course, but i do my own shopping, i pay for bills that i use eg, sky tv, internet etc. I cook for myself and for others, i dont go home and have tea there waiting for me most nights.

[katycloud]

I do have the same life goals, the fact that someone wants to get married and have everything within 1 year of being someone (and having periods of breakup during that time) i think is somethign i should be a tad worried about. do you agree?

 

As for not being attracted to her, I have never said anything of the sort.

 

Like someone else said, she was with her last boyfriend for 7 years, so if she was expecting marriage and kids and didn't get the payoff you can understand why she is more eager to reach these goals with the next guy (you!).

 

Also, the closer that women get to 30+ years the more they realise that their biological clock is ticking if they want to have kids etc, so I don't really blame her for having these views in mind at this point in your relationship. I think you two have different life goals, and because of this, you might just be prolonging the inevitable break-up?

[Unknown1607307972]

I moved out in February, not only from my family's home but I was moving to another country. Despite feeling I lacked some control and wanting the independence I had a good life back there and my family are great people. I knew I wanted to move but I still wept like a baby at the airport (and had to hold back from crying around my little ten year old brother who got upset when I was leaving and began packing a bag so he could go with me). When I go back and visit I still feel all warm and fuzzy about being in my room, getting to see my family and being around my cats (boyfriend is allergic). Moving out can make you miss being around your family every day but moving out has to happen one day.

 

Honestly I think my relationship with my family is better because we don't get on eachother's nerves and they see me as more of an adult now than a teenager. At home I spent a lot of time in my room but when I visit now I am a lot more interested in being around my family and talking with them, I really appreciate them more.

 

To the OP, I don't think you should move in with your girlfriend if you are having doubts about her. Moving out however is a good idea, it's a milestone, even if you're financially helping towards your family home and are given freedom it is still not the same.

[blueidealist24]

No, you shouldn't move in with her if you're having doubts AT ALL. It will probably end up not working out. If you want to still live with your family and they're happy to have you I don't see anything wrong with that and if your gf pressures you for more she's really not the right person for you right now.

[blueidealist24]

I do have the same life goals, the fact that someone wants to get married and have everything within 1 year of being someone (and having periods of breakup during that time) i think is somethign i should be a tad worried about. do you agree?

 

As for not being attracted to her, I have never said anything of the sort.

 

And yes, that first thing you should be really worried about. It sounds like she's ignoring the problems and wanting to be impulsive/rush into things while you're being way more smart and cautious.

[wiseoldwoman]

Bad, bad reasons, all of them. Things never improve over time, they get worse. The rest of your reasons are purely selfish and, well - downright silly. If you're this far apart in your committment that she's talking marriage and kids and you're not ready to move out of your mother's house, you're being unfair to her to continue with this relationship. She's obviously not the person you want to have in your life for the rest of your life; she's someone you're thinking you might have to settle for because you're afraid something better might not come along. End the relationship and let her move on to find someone who wants to be with her because he's certain he would find anyone else HE'LL love as much, rather than continuing a relationship because you're not sure you'll find someone else who loves you as much as she does.