BUs and NC or C, Friends with Benefits

[anegret]

So my breakup was about six weeks ago, and I talked in the NC forum about speaking to him again. (You can see it in there.) We're talking, hanging out, and (I slightly curse myself here) the friends with benefits thing. (So stupid on my part.) But the thing is--I'm annoyed by him. I stayed over with him the night before, and we got to talking, and he started discussing what he feels is wrong with his life, how he wants to have a better career, have a better relationship with his daughter, etc. He knows that he and I had a really good thing (he talked about that, too), and that our friendship really is special, etc. The part of me who is secure and comfortable with herself wanted to say, "Hell, your career and relationship with your daughter might be just fine, but you wouldn't know it because all you ever look at is the flaws!" He has all these expectations of those two things, and he says he feels like a failure when he can't meet them. (Oddly, it was the exact same thing with our relationship.) And while I can see the problem bright as day, I don't actually think he'd listen if I told him what I saw (expectations don't work; enjoy the moment, etc). I have not tried, and a part of me...although he dumped me, I am so glad it's over because I'm not good at dealing with small picture folk. (I'm a big picture person, due to some life-threatening conditions in my life...kind of, "Hey, so I didn't wake up brain dead today! It's gonna be a good day!")

 

I don't really think I need to be more sensitive, but I'm also annoyed by this friends with benefits thing because the really nasty part of me says, "Now wait. If he suddenly decides to start seeing another woman, after all that time I've spent first dating him, then talking to him, and after all the fun we've had..." I would be infuriated at his gall.

 

So, the really mean person in me wishes I had maintained no-contact, though the part of me that stopped no contact is glad because I really did need to reach this very point to understand why our relationship never would have worked out. (He'd always talk about how I was this beautiful flower he'd found in a dry wasteland...but I always wanted to say, "Yes, but this flower builds linux servers for a living and can translate Anglo-Saxon poetry...."

 

Okay. My rant is done. I need to be a kinder person, and I have never ever tried friends with benefits...but while I think it's a bad idea, I don't actually know if I should stop it, or if I should say something like, "Uh, hey, you realize it would be a really sh**** thing if one of us suddenly started seeing other people right now, yes?" Because we both are still emotionally attached. Anyone else ever been in this situation? (I'm cursing myself for an idiot, but we do have so much fun.)

[PaintWithLight]

Wow. It really sounds like you are having fun..... Hmmmm. You are all over the map and jumping from one strong statement to another. You guys have broken up, he has dumped you. You need to start a 4 point plan to get some perspective on your life and chart a new course.

1) NC with him. You are not there to provide a shoulder for him to cry on about life or give him free career or child rearing advice. The emotional attachment is still too fresh. You need to get some distance and think about YOUR OWN LIFE.

2) Stop the FWB arrangement. Especially with an EX, women have to realize this is just about as unflattering a situation that they could find themselves in. Remember, guys are one step above critters. We will release our own sexual tensions like a chimp if need be but if we can have you help with no strings then what a great idea!! The fact that you are worried about how you would feel if he started seeing a new woman shows that this arrangement is not about the sexual release (at least for you!)

3) Figure out where the relationship went wrong on your own. Do you use the excuse to seek understanding and closure as a way to continue contact. The answers come from you. They are right under your nose. You need time and distance to discover them.

4) Do 5 things this week for yourself. Take a walk, read a book, stop and investigate that new shop that you always wanted to visit. Begin to open your life up to new possibilities.

Good luck.

[anegret]

Thank you. This is the dose of reality that I needed. Big help. Even though I'm female, am I able to say, you just kicked me in the reality nards? ;}