I feel like I've been stolen from!

[wlfmn]

I'm kind of weirded out about a disagreement I had with my girlfriend...

 

When we first started dating a year ago I didn't have a car but she did. So after me taking the bus for the first couple of dates she started driving me for all of our dates after that. This went on for about 3 months. During that time we agreed that I would chip in for her gas since she was driving me around all the time.

 

Today I found out (only because she accidentally mentioned it in front of me) that her grandparents have always payed for her gas. She has a debit card from them that's for all her gas purchases. So all that time I was actually paying her for gas, she would just use her grandparents card, and pocket the money I gave her.

 

I feel like she was being dishonest and practically stealing from me.

 

I feel like I'm explaining this to Judge Judy or something here haha, but is it weird that I feel upset? My girlfriend thinks I'm over reacting.

[DN]

I think you are wrong to feel that. Her grandparents were subsidising her not you.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm with her on this, it takes more than just gas to operate and maintain a vehicle.

[wlfmn]

I think you are wrong to feel that. Her grandparents were subsidising her not you.

 

That's my point though...her grandparents were subsidizing her,which is why I feel its unfair that she asked me to chip in for gas since her grandparents already paid for her. Then she'd use the money I gave her to go shopping later

[meoww]

haha that's pretty slick.

 

I'd be mad too! It's normal. Why did she lie?

[wlfmn]

haha that's pretty slick.

 

I'd be mad too! It's normal. Why did she lie?

 

haha yeah I do have to admit, it's a pretty clever idea.

 

But I dunno why she lied about it. She admitted it when I asked her about it though. It went like this:

 

GF: so today, my friend ***** gave me money for gas, but I already have that card from my grandparents, so I spent her money on clothes

 

Me: AHAHAHA thats pretty fun-hey wait did you used to do that to me when I'd give you gas money?

 

GF: Erm...yes

[annie24]

who pays the insurance, repairs, etc....? if it's her grandparents as well, then it kind of does sound like she's taking advantage of you...

[camus154]

She had every right to ask you for gas money since she was toting you around. Whether she was getting gas money from others has nothing to do with you. This kind of thinking is similar to assuming that a friend should pay for a night out on the town because they get money from their parents anyway.

[Lithp]

How much do you give her? I'm kind of on the fence with this one, only because she is driving you around so it would be a courteous thing to do. But if she has no expenses that she has to fork out for the maintenance of the car or otherwise, I think I would be a little upset that everything's being paid and she's getting money from other people.

[Moontiger]

I guess I'm the odd ball here, but I think you have a right to be upset. You two agreed that you would pitch in for gas, not for her to have pocket money or other expenses related to the car.

 

I would be very upset and I do think its dishonest on her part.

[annie24]

Who paid on your dates? If you paid on all your dates AND gave her gas money, that seems like too much.

[Ariel85]

Sooo...this happened 9 months ago, correct?

[Nearbot]

That gas money is given to her for her to drive herself not for her to drive you. I think it's fair that you pay your part. I would resent someone if I had to drive them around all the time, and they never chipped in.

[r0ckox]

chick stole from you, man. plain and simple.

 

you chipped in for "gas" yet it was already paid for....

 

I'd be pissed, but that's just me apparently because other people seem to think you're wrong about it.

 

She should have told you "My grandparents take care of it, don't worry about it" -- but she didn't, she took the money from you and spent it on whatever.... and I'm well aware it takes more than gas to maintain a car, as I own an autobody shop -- but seriously, you chipped in FOR GAS, not for oil changes or bumper repairs.

 

 

That gas money is given to her for her to drive herself not for her to drive you. I think it's fair that you pay your part. I would resent someone if I had to drive them around all the time, and they never chipped in.

 

 

No. Her gas was being paid for. If it's paid for, why does someone else have to chip in? If you're not paying it on your own, it shouldn't be a big deal.

 

You chipped in for GAS; yet its paid for already. That's a problem.

 

You chipped in for her gas to drive you around, yes.. but if someone else is already paying for her gas -- it shouldn't matter where shes driving YOU around, as the gas is already paid for. I'm almost 100% positive her grandparents dont ask her every time she leaves the house.... maybe i'm wrong and they do, but the way you make it sound, they don't -- so gas should be covered despite the fact that she's driving you around.

[Moontiger]

So at some point you two had a discussion about gas money. Either, 1) You offered to chip in, or 2) She requested that you chip in.

 

In both cases that verbal agreement was that the money you gave her was for gas only. Only fair since she is driving you around. At no point does she mention that her gas is ALREDY being paid for. This is a lie by omission.

 

If she had said she would like your help maintaining the car, such as when it needed oil changed etc, that would be different.

 

Your agreement with her is not effect by whether you pay for dates or not, or any other factor really. You two had an agreement, she omitted information that most likely would have changed what you would be willing to agree to.

 

I think this is devious, deceptive, and manipulative.

[Betweenthebars]

Agree 100%. I would feel cheated, but on top of that, she lied about it, plain and simple. Yeah, she came clean in the end, BY ACCIDENT, but she was still dishonest when she asked him to chip in. She didn't need his money. If she wanted to go shopping so badly, she could have asked to go on a shopping date or something.

[wlfmn]

How much do you give her? I'm kind of on the fence with this one, only because she is driving you around so it would be a courteous thing to do. But if she has no expenses that she has to fork out for the maintenance of the car or otherwise, I think I would be a little upset that everything's being paid and she's getting money from other people.

 

Yeah, her grandparents also pay for any maintenance on the car, insurance, ect..the car itself was even a gift from them also.

[DN]

So, let's assume that Mr A, is a student at university. He has a job but his parents give him an allowance and pay for his university tuition and other expenses.

 

He meets a fellow student and they begin to date. Being a modern couple, they believe that they should more or less equally share the cost of dating including transportation costs. So she pays more or less what he does. Oh, but wait!!! He gets an allowance from his parents. Does that mean he is cheating her out of money because she pays her share?

[wlfmn]

So, let's assume that Mr A, is a student at university. He has a job but his parents give him an allowance and pay for his university tuition and other expenses.

 

He meets a fellow student and they begin to date. Being a modern couple, they believe that they should more or less equally share the cost of dating including transportation costs. So she pays more or less what he does. Oh, but wait!!! He gets an allowance from his parents. Does that mean he is cheating her out of money because she pays her share?

 

 

The situation you're describing is different than mine, in my opinion. In your example, no he is not cheating her out of money, because they are both paying towards their date.

 

But lets say for example, they go out to eat and the bill is $50. They agree to pay $25 each towards the food. He puts her $25 in his pocket and pays the entire $50 with his debit card. He later shows his parents the $50 restaurant bill. His parents reimburse him the entire $50, but now he also has an extra $25 of her money that he uses to buy xbox games. He essentially made $25 dollars off their date.

[thejigsup]

When a man doesn't even have a car, he shouldn't be worried about who is subsidizing whom. When HE has a car, he can worry about all of that.

[DN]

The situation you're describing is different than mine, in my opinion. In your example, no he is not cheating her out of money, because they are both paying towards their date.

 

But lets say for example, they go out to eat and the bill is $50. They agree to pay $25 each towards the food. He puts the $25 in his pocket and pays the entire $50 with his debit card. He later shows his parents the $50 restaurant bill. His parents reimburse him the entire $50, but now he also has an extra $25 of her money that he uses to buy xbox games. He essentially made $25 dollars off their date.

I see your point but i don't agree with the logic (unless he is not telling the parents the truth in which case he is stealing from them)

[wlfmn]

I see your point but i don't agree with the logic (unless he is not telling the parents the truth in which case he is stealing from them)

 

I guess we'll have to agree to disagree here.

 

If my girlfriend told her grandparents to reimburse her for only half of the gas bill because I paid for the other half, then I think it would make sense. But she would just show them the total bill, so they'd pay for the entire thing, plus she would also have the money I gave her which she would use for herself. She was making money off our dates. Wish I thought of something like that haha

[DN]

Well, usually I am one of the first to say don't let people take financial advantage of you - but in this case I don't think she is. I just don't think its your business what her grandparents give her and how they do it.

[nutbrownhare]

I think I'd feel rather uncomfortable about expecting my partner to drive me around - effectively offering a taxi service - without chipping in anything. It's not just about the upkeep of the car, but being careful not to drink alcohol when you go out, having to concentrate on driving when you're feeling tired and would rather just relax - just being aware that at the end of the date you've still got a chore.

 

At the same time, I do think it's a pity that she didn't mention that she wasn't paying for her fuel - given that you two were in a relationship. And the way you related it here, it sounds as though she was quite smug about spending the money her friend had given her, on clothes. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to expect some recompense for driving others around, but a partner??? It would have been nicer if you two had been able to discuss it at the time, but that obviously wasn't an option.

 

Given that this was nine months ago, I'd let it go.

[wlfmn]

So wait, you ACTUALLY think that you don't have to pay your own way because she happens to have money for it anyway? Who cares where the money comes from? If she worked for it, or it was given, is irrelevant. This has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with you. You needed to pay her because SHE was doing something FOR YOU.

 

You feel stolen from? Are you 12 or something? Seriously, you need to check yourself.

 

I had no problem paying my own way. Me and her agreed that I would chip in for gas, and I felt that was perfectly fair. But I didn't care for the dishonestly when I found out she wasn't actually using the money for gas. If she just said she wanted 30 bucks for the chore of driving me, then I wouldn't have been bothered now.

 

And jeez, whats with the attitude?