Should I Go Back to Friends Status? I Don't Know If It Can Feel Worse.....

[jackofall]

I know, I know, I'm sure it sounds crazy. The thing is I'm having some trouble not thinking about it. Obviously at work and when I'm with friends I don't think about it much but it's ALWAYS in the back of my mind, and after work/when I'm alone I just don't feel good and replay events in my head constantly.

 

Basically I broke up with her 9 months ago. We stayed friends and in May I had an epiphany and realized I had had enough time to myself and really wanted to start something. I had heard she was seeing someone else but we still hung out and she had been sleeping over almost all the time after we broke up (only once did we have sex, and a couple make out sessions). Even though she had just started another relationship, literally days before, I was floored that she supposedly had no feelings for me.

 

I stuck it out as friends for a couple months and never contacted her first, but she kept wanting to hang out every week or so!! When I couldn't take it any more I said I thought she was making a mistake. Dumb move I know, but anyways she freaked out and I told her to take all her things (yes she STILL had my apartment covered in her stuff, including clothes and bathroom stuff).

 

I explained to her why I couldn't be friends anymore, but it's been a couple months and I just don't feel any better. I really believe I'm ready to give myself to someone as opposed to always trying to work around the relationship to have free time. That's the guy I used to be. I understand I was late to the party but she wanted to move in last year, I just wasn't ready. We broke up mostly out of just being a little sick of each other. We hung out the same 5 days straight every week attached at the hip. I knew it was a little much but I knew it would kill her if I said I wanted to hang out a little less. I realize that's probably a big red flag but I dunno, I just think overall the timing was just a little off and it's all there for us. She on the other hand has somehow compartmentalized our entire relationship and just doesn't connect me to any feelings other than friendship.

 

I just love being around her and she's the only friend I had that would just "hang out" as opposed to everything having to revolve around a bar. We would watch TV, play board games, go out to eat. Now I have no one like that much less a girlfriend. Some say the only thing better than NC is being there and being awesome and charming and likable, but I just don't know if I can do it without speaking my mind about the whole thing and pissing her off again. I just think it's a joke that she has basically said "never again" when we had a mutual, painless at the time break up. Any help would be appreciated.

[okiedokiestomp]

I explained to her why I couldn't be friends anymore, but it's been a couple months and I just don't feel any better.

 

this is why you can't go back to being "just friends"...not right now at least. To answer your your subject heading...yes it can get worse and very likely will for you if you ignore how you feel right now.

[DaveTrump]

Sounds like you really loved her. She on the other had has friend zoned you while still using your apartment... It's a real shame. Keep busy and see your friends and family. You'll see the truth in time.

 

It's important to have time with your friends almost as much as your partner so bear that in mind for the future.

[jackofall]

Sounds like you really loved her. She on the other had has friend zoned you while still using your apartment... It's a real shame. Keep busy and see your friends and family. You'll see the truth in time.

 

It's important to have time with your friends almost as much as your partner so bear that in mind for the future.

 

Well the other side of it is that I'm still not sure if I want her or just SOMEONE. I mean we get along really well overall, but at the same time I have to realize that I was okay ending it before for a reason. I'm open to the possibility that I'm just trying to latch on to the thing closest to me now that I'm ready to start a life with someone, even if she's not the right person. I think it may be a little of both above choices.

 

The thing that sucks most about it is times have changed and all my friends have their own wives/girlfriends and some even have a kid. I have only 1-2 friends that will possibly get together with me and that's once on the weekend if I'm lucky. The rest of the week is spent just trying to keep myself busy, and the apartment is oh so quiet on nights where she would gladly come over and hang out if I was willing and could control my emotions. It's like I'm screwed either way. If I reclaim our friendship I have to deal with the emotion of not being able to have her. If I just try to forget about her I still feel like crap because I don't let things go easily. We went out for over 2 years and were friends for 6 months after that. I'm finding it impossible to just forget it all ever happened with nothing to show for it.

[DaveTrump]

You've got the memories to show for it. You may not have won a lifetime partner but at least you had a go.

 

As we grow up and pair off people do leave old friends behind but it's just part of life. Again, it's sad but ideally your friends should still have a space allocated to a boys night out, say, once a month. Fortunately I have friends that are still single and see them most weekends but the ones that have settled still come out once in a while...not as often as i would like but that's because i'm single. i guess it boils down to getting a woman in your life to fill that gap if you need it. Both sides have their fors and againsts but its down to preference what you want. i'd say enjoy being single, use that time for yourself and get into it. The relationship stuff comes after you're really happy being single again.

 

The key here is not to be wholly dependent on someone for your happiness. You have to bring it alone and then good follows it.

[jackofall]

That's the strange part. Up until this whole thing happened all I've done my whole life is find a ton of time for myself. I used to enjoy being alone and often preferred it. Hell even when we were dating I would get anxious if she hung around for too many days in a row. Then when we broke up I was relieved more than anything (finally time to myself!). Now it's all backwards. How does that happen???

 

It also sucks because I'm a very logical person and when I do the math it's very depressing: 30 years old, only a few friends, and I work in a small office with only a couple people my age and they're both guys. So how exactly am I to meet someone from here on in??? I know this isn't really something you can apply logic to, when you meet someone it just happens, but that's the way I think.

[DaveTrump]

That's the strange part. Up until this whole thing happened all I've done my whole life is find a ton of time for myself. I used to enjoy being alone and often preferred it. Hell even when we were dating I would get anxious if she hung around for too many days in a row. Then when we broke up I was relieved more than anything (finally time to myself!). Now it's all backwards. How does that happen???

 

Basic human nature; to want what you don't have. Try and look at what you do have going for you and build on that.

 

It also sucks because I'm a very logical person and when I do the math it's very depressing: 30 years old, only a few friends, and I work in a small office with only a couple people my age and they're both guys. So how exactly am I to meet someone from here on in??? I know this isn't really something you can apply logic to, when you meet someone it just happens, but that's the way I think.

 

Well, it's not wise to fish off the company pier. As a result, so many people here have to face their ex on a daily basis whilst going through heartbreak. That aside, the best way to meet someone new is from getting back into circulation. Do you have some friends you can go to a few bars with? Do you go to the gym?

[ChocoBears]

Wait, so you broke up with her and now she only has friendly feelings towards you? Maybe if I acted that way, my ex would want me back.

[jackofall]

Wait, so you broke up with her and now she only has friendly feelings towards you? Maybe if I acted that way, my ex would want me back.

 

What are you trying to say? We fizzled out, I didn't dump her.

[jackofall]

Basic human nature; to want what you don't have. Try and look at what you do have going for you and build on that.

 

 

 

Well, it's not wise to fish off the company pier. As a result, so many people here have to face their ex on a daily basis whilst going through heartbreak. That aside, the best way to meet someone new is from getting back into circulation. Do you have some friends you can go to a few bars with? Do you go to the gym?

 

I do work out lightly throughout the week but don't belong to a gym. Something to look into I suppose. My friends are few and far between and I don't have any close ones that are single so meeting new people is completely random.

[Good Arms]

What are you trying to say? We fizzled out, I didn't dump her.

 

Not to speak for LemonCookie, but when I skim-read your post the words "I broke up with her" do tend to suggest that you dumped her. That's the impression I got, which was of course at odds with the rest of your post. Might want to re-word it

[jackofall]

Sorry I didn't even notice I wrote it that way. We mutually decided we should go back to just friends and segwayed seamlessly into that. It was actually a few days before Christmas and the day we decided this we actually exchanged all the gifts we had already bought each other and she hung out for awhile afterwards. I didn't proactively dump her it just kind of got to that point.

[DaveTrump]

I do work out lightly throughout the week but don't belong to a gym. Something to look into I suppose. My friends are few and far between and I don't have any close ones that are single so meeting new people is completely random.

 

Gym is a good idea. Go for it. You might even meet some other guys going through a similar scenario as yourself and go out for a beer with them. Even if you don't you'll be getting into shape and that's always gonna help for the future. Sorry for my delayed replies - my visits are few and far between these days.