How to deal with verbal abuser.

[findingmeandyou]

Looking for some input if anyone has ever experienced this.

 

My girl is basically a verbal abuser and at times controlling. She insults me on a regular basis - she's told me I look gay in certain clothing, didn't spend enough on certain personal items as compared to other people, questioned my "manhoood" and said I have no confidence, told me she doesn't like the way I cut my hair, and that if I loved her, I would cut it in a way that makes me most attractive to her. This about covers the major items.

 

I've discussed this problem with her on several occasions over the past year. She's repeatedly promised to stop and hasn't. Every time she says something in appropriate, the explanation is I need to be patient and that change takes time. My opinion is that after a few conversations and maybe a few months, this should have been over and done with. Almost a year later, it's not as often, but still happening.

 

Now, what has started happening is that I've become resentful and angry with her and everything is building up. Typically, she'll say and do a few things that I'll bite my tongue because she promised to stop, but eventually, I just can't hold it in anymore, and I get angry. I'll raise my voice to her, call her out, and hard to say it, say some obscene things back to her. I've called her immature, childish, * * * * * y, etc, etc, because I think she acts that way.

 

The fact that I've become this way is deeply troubling me. I don't get like this around anyone else in my life. I don't shout at them and say mean things. No one else in my life talks to me the way she does. All of this has upset me so much that I read a few books on the topic and saw two therapists. I was concerned that I was an abuser, had some anger mgmt problem, etc, and they both told me no. They said what you are doing is not right, but it's not entirely your fault. They said my anger is just my way of releasing the hurt built up in me, so I've transformed my thinking as this is something that I need to stop, but nothing to be ashamed of and doesn't make me a bad person or a verbal abuser, and I'm fully convinced of that. I'm a good person, not some abuser, and I have the right to feel and express anger when I'm being talked to like crap.

 

What I can't seem to figure out is how to get her to stop. She always promises and promises, but it keeps happening. When it finally builds up to a point and I explode, the focus always seems to be on her - how she's working hard to fix this, how I'm not patient enough for her, how my anger offends her and hurts her feelings, but as far as me, there doesn't seem to be much consideration, just empty promises and how I'm horrible for getting angry, but she doesn't seem to get that she gets me to that point.

 

Other than hanging up the phone and walking out of the room, I don't know what else to do. When I do that, she typically keeps calling or follows me around.

 

Has anyone else ever fixed this problem with a partner? How did you control your own anger in response to the other person? I've tried the "I feel when you" and tried the nice conversations, but after a year of trying, I'm quite frankly TIRED of being nice and sweet. I feel that I have the right to get angry, scream and shout, if that's what it will take to get her to realize I won't be verbally stepped on.

[camus154]

Simple. Break up with her.

 

Why are you with someone who clearly has so little respect for you anyway?

[gingerlemon]

Simple. Break up with her.

 

This. You are worth so much more than this. Find someone who appreciates you and dump this bully.

[nutbrownhare]

I've had a partner who was vile, antagonistic and hyper-critical; he was lovely at first, and then his behaviour gradually changed. He was REALLY vile in the way you describe for less than four weeks before I left him, never to return.

 

You can't change another person or, as you put it, 'fix the problem with a partner'. It's a total illusion to think you can. Sometimes people say thoughtless things they don't mean, feel appalled when they realise how much they've hurt the other person - and it doesn't happen again. Your partner is clearly not like this.

 

Wouldn't you rather have a partner in a relationship where you feel loved, appreciated and valued? Someone for whom being nice and sweet is a reflection of your feelings for them, not an attempt to de-escalate conflict?

 

It seems to me that the main problems are:

a) that you're in a relationship like this at all, and are choosing to stay there. After a year of this kind of thing, you must really be questioning your own sanity - but you're still hanging on in there.

b) that you think you can change her.

 

You will be verbally stepped on for as long as you stay in this relationship. If you get angry, scream and shout, it will be just the same, only noisier. She's had a year in which she could have changed her behaviour. She isn't going to. With my ex, it got to the point where I'd tell him quietly and calmly that I wasn't prepared to talk to him while he was shouting at me, and that I'd go home if he didn't stop. He didn't, so I did. He would then be on the phone coming out with piles of verbal abuse; I'd gently put the receiver down on the table and get on with something else - and I could still hear the ranting from the other side of the room. Didn't happen many times before I bailed, though!

 

A useful question to ask in yourself in therapy is what, in your history, has caused you to think that it's appropriate to stay around someone like this - someone who doesn't appreciate you, tries to undermine your self-esteem, compares you unfavourably with others and takes no responsibility for their own horrible behaviour.

 

She's responsible for the way she behaves, but YOU are responsible for the fact that you've stayed with her for a year. You must be getting something out of it - and it may be very useful for your own personal growth to find out what, so that you can deal with the pain of your past, let it go and not be drawn to comparable situations in the present or future.

 

The only way you are going to stop being verbally stepped on by her is to leave. Nothing's going to change as long as you stay, and while you're involved with her you have no possibility of starting another, mutually rewarding relationship with someone else.

[Oneironaut]

I've dealt with emotional abuse, and the best way to handle it is to set limits and boundaries...otherwise it will continue.

 

Tell her in clear terms that behavior like questioning your manhood, telling you that you look gay in certain clothes, and wanting you to cut your hair in a way that she likes is no longer acceptable. Tell her that if she does any of those things, you will separate yourself from the relationship for a period of time. Then be prepared to follow through. If she follows/calls, ignore her, the way parents ignore a child who has misbehaved. Do not give in to the emotional blackmail.

 

If she makes a promise to stop, tell her that you expect her to stick to that, and if she does not, you will again separate yourself from the relationship again for a period of time.

 

But most of all, if it continues, be prepared to end the relationship. Abusers can change, but they rarely ever do. Obviously her behavior is making you unhappy, and it's making you become something you don't want to be. You have to put yourself first and decide whether or not this relationship is truly healthy for you, and if not, it's time to leave and find someone who won't treat you this way.

[MyNinja]

Why are you putting up with this and sticking around?? Most likely, it will NOT get better regardless of how much she says sorry and says she will change; that's just that reality of the situation. If I notice myself starting to act out because of how someone has treated me then I know it's time to start putting things in order and gaining my self-respect back and kick them to the curb.

 

Verbal abuse is not something you have to tolerate. By sticking around you are showing her that what she's doing is OK with you. Please do yourself the biggest favor and leave. It really is that simple.

[RoxyGril]

You don't deserve to be verbally abused, it's taking a toll on you. She won't change until she really finds the source of why she does these things. Seems like she has a lot of pride in herself and that's it more important to her. Change doesn't happen until you really figure out why your doing the thing's your doing. Once that's figured out she would make more of an effort to change and work on the relationship with you. I think it would probably best to separte yourself from her because apparently she doesn't want to do the work. You do deserve respect and feel appricated then someone make you feel like crap.

[findingmeandyou]

I hear that the majority says break up with her.

 

I really don't want to though. We're about to get married and I love her, so I'd rather work on things with her than devastate the both of us and our families by calling off the wedding.

 

The thing is I'm not sure how to work with her. I feel that putting up with this for a year constitutes PLENTY of patience and waiting. She knows she's wrong. She's admitted that to me, cried about it, told me she's asked for advice from family and friends, but when it comes down to it, I'm not seeing the change I'm looking for. Ideally, I'd really like the comments to stop COMPLETELY PERIOD, and her response is "I'm not perfect and never will be", so I said to myself I'll accept a slip here and there, but it feels like more than that. Maybe it's just that I've mentally had enough, so every little thing weighs down on me alot more than it normally would. I don't know whether to request that she see a counselor, putting the wedding on hold maybe, withdraw from her for a while (which seems more like a punishment than a solution), or what the heck to do. We're doing premarital counseling through her church, so I could bring it up there. Not sure what to do. I feel like we should be able to just TALK about this and it be done, but I've that rational conversation, and it has not stopped to the point where I'm comfortable.

 

She just doesn't get it. She thinks because she does nice things for me that it makes up for it. This week, I've gotten four cards in the mail about how much she loves me. You know what though - I can find plenty of women who do nice things, but the verbal abuse is killing my self-esteem. Sometimes, I don't even feel like she loves me at all. I mean why the hell would you marry someone who's manhood you question? It makes me feel like maybe she'll cheat on me eventually if she respects me that little. But, when I bring it up to her, all she does is lament. Strangely, she says that I don't love her and comes up with this laundry list of things I didn't do. I didn't take her on a date this time, went out with my friends that time, didn't want to talk on the phone that night. It just all seems like petty stuff, and that's her reason. She says she does it because she's insecure and it's my fault.

 

What's weighing on me now more than anything is me and how I respond to her. Sometimes, I can keep quiet, walk out of the room, or just hang up, but other times I lash out like I said - scream, curse, put her down. I just can't seem to get a grip. Like I said, I think my anger is justified, and in talking to a buddy who's married, he says to not beat myself up because I'm reacting to being treated like crap. I care, but part of me is starting not to care. I don't care about losing my temper with her, because what am I supposed to do - keep it all inside and act like a puppy dog all the time? I do care, because our families have become aware of everything now. I do care what her family thinks about it, and I'm worried they think I'm this monster. I don't want to labeled the troublesome couple always fighting. I also have no idea as to how she's representing our problems to them. Based upon the fact that she's not taking responsibility and blaming me, I'd bet that I'm painted as some jerk, and I'm afraid of her family being like he's a jerk, don't marry him when they are not seeing the big picture that she's causing all of these problems, and I"m just caught in the middle and reacting like I think any other human being would.

[tmtex]

I divorced that * * * * * of mine. God could she get mean over the dumbest things

[camus154]

Cool. So stay with her while you gradually become just as toxic as she is. Sounds like a great plan.

 

At least your families won't be devastated because the wedding wasn't cancelled.

[Oneironaut]

I'm not necessarily saying break up with her, I'm just saying that you have to set boundaries and hold her to them, or this will continue.

 

If you're OK with it continuing, then do nothing.

 

If not, then something on -your- end has to change, because you can't force her to change.

[Ariel85]

Cool. So stay with her while you gradually become just as toxic as she is. Sounds like a great plan.

 

At least your families won't be devastated because the wedding wasn't cancelled.

 

Seriously!

 

OP - you said *she* doesn't get it. The person here who really doesn't get it, is you. After a year of her abuse, you still think she's going to change, and you're going to marry this girl?

 

She accused you of having no confidence, and I sadly have to agree with that. I can't imagine tolerating this kind of abuse for as long as you have. Now you are signing up for a lifetime of it. But, like Camus said, you've now being so riddled with rage and resentment, that you're becoming just as abusive as she is.

 

Heavens help the children you bring into this toxic situation.

[findingmeandyou]

Ok, I'm familiar with boundary setting. I've read about this. Can you or anyone else maybe suggest some boundaries?

 

Right now, we don't live together, but that will change in two months. She comes up to stay the weekend sometimes. We talk on the phone most nights.

 

One thing I'd like to do is if she says something on the phone, just plain hang up, and when she calls back, let it go for the day or the night. Teach her a lesson.

 

Previously, I told her if she was in our apartment and said something, she had to leave. First, I would tell her to go back to where she lives, which is a few hours away, but then I thought it was harsh and just to go take a walk. I've decided to change that to if she says something, I'm going to leave and go for a walk - not saying a word.

 

The hard part is she will follow me or continuously call, and I mean annoyingly call. Take last time, I'm talking around 25 repeated calls, maybe 10 voicemail messages. It's absolutely nuts how insecure she is over the stupid crap she causes herself.

[findingmeandyou]

Ariel, thanks but no thanks. I appreciate you sending the input, but saying I have no confidence is NO help to me at all. I have plenty of confidence. I already said I wanted to try to work this out, and that's what I'm trying to figure out. That says I have plenty of confidence. I decided what I want to do, and I'm doing it and asking for help.

 

Yes, I'd agree that I'm becoming toxic, but I'm trying to stop it. Don't predict what will happen to my kids. You don't know that for sure. Let's stay focused on the here and now, please.

 

Seriously!

 

OP - you said *she* doesn't get it. The person here who really doesn't get it, is you. After a year of her abuse, you still think she's going to change, and you're going to marry this girl?

 

She accused you of having no confidence, and I sadly have to agree with that. I can't imagine tolerating this kind of abuse for as long as you have. Now you are signing up for a lifetime of it. But, like Camus said, you've now being so riddled with rage and resentment, that you're becoming just as abusive as she is.

 

Heavens help the children you bring into this toxic situation.

[RoxyGril]

She maybe apologizing for whatever she did at that moment when you brought it up to her. But, she may say all these things though, it's quiet clear she's not doing her part on really working on how she handles herself with you. I understand you love her and there are plans for a wedding. There is only so much you can take from a person.

 

I understand what your going through. My mom is in the position of your fiancé with my step-dad. They've been together for 25 yrs. now and she's verbelly abuse not only my stepdad but, her kids as well. My step-dad is about to leave because he can't put up it any longer. Which I have a big feeling there is going to be a divorce again. He's tried saying thing's to point them out and she doesn't care. She thinks that the way she is handling everything is ok and which it's not. She isn't willing to change at all and it won't happen. She's push me and my brother away. My mom has done the samething to my dad (her 1st marriage). The has to be some major commitment that there is going to be a change. Don't allow her to hurt you even more then she has already done.

 

I am not telling if break up with her but, to see the reality of her possibly not willing or even trying to make the change to better this relationship.

[Miss Firecracker]

If you think she's bad now, wait until you marry her. That is when she will let her hair down.

 

You are seriously worried about what the parents think? Hers are really going to be upset if you leave her. They are probably shocked she found someone to put up with her one year, much less a lifetime.

[Ariel85]

I have plenty of confidence. I already said I wanted to try to work this out, and that's what I'm trying to figure out. That says I have plenty of confidence. I decided what I want to do, and I'm doing it and asking for help.

 

Yes, I'd agree that I'm becoming toxic, but I'm trying to stop it. Don't predict what will happen to my kids. You don't know that for sure. Let's stay focused on the here and now, please.

 

I have to disagree with this, sorry. If you were confident and had a healthy self-esteem, no way, no how, would you have been her kick toy for a year. You wouldn't have tolerated it for two weeks, let alone a year. You've admitted that you've raised this issue numerous times, and she's not done a thing to stop.

 

Your first mistake is in thinking you are capable of doing anything to change her. Do you honestly think taking a walk when she's railing that your penis is too small is going to make her stop? C'mon...

 

Your second mistake is in marrying her. This *will* affect your children, and imagine their lives when they see their Mom belittling and debasing their Dad.

 

Do some research on codependency.

[abitbroken]

Ariel, thanks but no thanks. I appreciate you sending the input, but saying I have no confidence is NO help to me at all. I have plenty of confidence. I already said I wanted to try to work this out, and that's what I'm trying to figure out. That says I have plenty of confidence. I decided what I want to do, and I'm doing it and asking for help.

 

Yes, I'd agree that I'm becoming toxic, but I'm trying to stop it. Don't predict what will happen to my kids. You don't know that for sure. Let's stay focused on the here and now, please.

 

I think the word "confidence" pushed a button in you. Maybe substitute it for "having the wherewithall to do it."

 

I was with an abuser, and unfortunately, there is a difference between someone committing a "whoops" or having a misunderstanding and resolving it, versus being around a person where this is their usual manner or speaking or relating to you. Is this way of addressing someone acceptable behavior in her parents house? Does her mother or father make similar comments about the other one and its just seen as something that no eyebrow is raised about?

 

The only way this will change is if she wakes up one day and says "Gee, listen to me? Do I actually talk to him like that?" But you can't facilitate that. You can't make that happen. It takes a major life shift and more often than not, never happens short of a major brush with death tragedy. Some people change but only if they are the self-analyzing type.

 

The only thing you can do is to say in the calmest manner possible "if you want to speak to me like that, that's fine, but when you do, I am going to end the phone conversation/leave the house/going to go read a book and go about my day." And when she starts speaking like that, end the conversation and calmly do something that you want to do. Make good on it. Don't allow her to talk like that to you.

 

And if she continues, I am sorry, but it should be over. You don't deserve that. And think about your future children. Do you want to be with a woman who would potentially belittle her children???

 

I will say that my ex sent me a long letter and told me that he was sorry he got mad at me and realized that he had a temper. But when the letter continued "But you wouldn't stop talking and that's why I was mad. if you would have stopped, I would have never done that to you. You are the type that needs someone to be hard on you to get things" And I ripped up the letter. In truth, I barely said a peep that day. But it was clear that he continued to not take responsibility for his actions, had no clue, and was all about shifting the blame.

[abitbroken]

If you think she's bad now, wait until you marry her. That is when she will let her hair down.

 

You are seriously worried about what the parents think? Hers are really going to be upset if you leave her. They are probably shocked she found someone to put up with her one year, much less a lifetime.

 

By the way, when my ex left, I was so defeated. That sort of talk chips away at you little by little and you may not realize that now. Wait 5-10 years. I was nothing, or I felt like it. I was so bad and lifeless that I was giving away prized possessions just so they wouldn't end up in the trash and I had been prescribed a medication just so I would eat. I had no appetite. I had no eating disorder prior. I just was a shell. Don't let it happen to you. BTW, I ALWAYS tried to fix the relationship. And I bended so much to keep the peace I was unrecognizable to myself in some ways.

[Miss Firecracker]

Talking about children. I would expect them to learn that from her, as she likely learned it from someone in her family. It will be passed down from generation to generation. She will also do this to her children, not just to you.

[Ariel85]

Talking about children. I would expect them to learn that from her, as she likely learned it from someone in her family. It will be passed down from generation to generation. She will also do this to her children, not just to you.

 

That, or the kids will become the abused, like the OP. It could go either way, depending on which parent they identify with more.

 

Remember that old poster about how kids learn what they live? Already the OP is altering his own personality because of her abuse, yet, he seems to believe kids will be immune. Ugh.

[findingmeandyou]

One thing that I heard from her through her father is that her mother used to be like her with the snappy remarks and insults.

[Miss Firecracker]

One thing that I heard from her through her father is that her mother used to be like her with the snappy remarks and insults.

 

He's trying to encourage you to go through with it and give you hope she will stop behaving that way. Just because her mother did doesn't mean she will.

[Miss Firecracker]

You can put this marriage off until you get things straight with her. She has a lot of adjusting to do. Anyone CAN change if they truly wish to. But she isn't anywhere near that point from what you have told us. And it really will get worse if you accept her as is and marry her now.

[jenny_mcs]

In order to change the situation, you have to accept the fact that the solution may *possibly* be to end the relationship. Until this is a real option to you, nothing will change. Your question seems to be "How do I make her change, but of course I can't break up with her." So, there is no solution.

 

Look at it from her angle. She can treat you however she wants and say any old nasty thing to you. Sure, there might be some immediate fallout- you get nasty back, and then you take a walk, while she calls you 300 times. She probably likes this. It sounds like she feeds on this drama. So she's nasty, you curse at her, you storm out, she calls repeatedly, and eventually you are back home, fight, fight, fight...but in the morning things are back to normal and you are planning the wedding.

 

Until you have the guts to say "I will not be treated like this any longer. I won't be abused like this, and I will end this relationship if the behavior continues" she isn't going to change.