findingmeandyou Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 Looking for some input if anyone has ever experienced this. My girl is basically a verbal abuser and at times controlling. She insults me on a regular basis - she's told me I look gay in certain clothing, didn't spend enough on certain personal items as compared to other people, questioned my "manhoood" and said I have no confidence, told me she doesn't like the way I cut my hair, and that if I loved her, I would cut it in a way that makes me most attractive to her. This about covers the major items. I've discussed this problem with her on several occasions over the past year. She's repeatedly promised to stop and hasn't. Every time she says something in appropriate, the explanation is I need to be patient and that change takes time. My opinion is that after a few conversations and maybe a few months, this should have been over and done with. Almost a year later, it's not as often, but still happening. Now, what has started happening is that I've become resentful and angry with her and everything is building up. Typically, she'll say and do a few things that I'll bite my tongue because she promised to stop, but eventually, I just can't hold it in anymore, and I get angry. I'll raise my voice to her, call her out, and hard to say it, say some obscene things back to her. I've called her immature, childish, * * * * * y, etc, etc, because I think she acts that way. The fact that I've become this way is deeply troubling me. I don't get like this around anyone else in my life. I don't shout at them and say mean things. No one else in my life talks to me the way she does. All of this has upset me so much that I read a few books on the topic and saw two therapists. I was concerned that I was an abuser, had some anger mgmt problem, etc, and they both told me no. They said what you are doing is not right, but it's not entirely your fault. They said my anger is just my way of releasing the hurt built up in me, so I've transformed my thinking as this is something that I need to stop, but nothing to be ashamed of and doesn't make me a bad person or a verbal abuser, and I'm fully convinced of that. I'm a good person, not some abuser, and I have the right to feel and express anger when I'm being talked to like crap. What I can't seem to figure out is how to get her to stop. She always promises and promises, but it keeps happening. When it finally builds up to a point and I explode, the focus always seems to be on her - how she's working hard to fix this, how I'm not patient enough for her, how my anger offends her and hurts her feelings, but as far as me, there doesn't seem to be much consideration, just empty promises and how I'm horrible for getting angry, but she doesn't seem to get that she gets me to that point. Other than hanging up the phone and walking out of the room, I don't know what else to do. When I do that, she typically keeps calling or follows me around. Has anyone else ever fixed this problem with a partner? How did you control your own anger in response to the other person? I've tried the "I feel when you" and tried the nice conversations, but after a year of trying, I'm quite frankly TIRED of being nice and sweet. I feel that I have the right to get angry, scream and shout, if that's what it will take to get her to realize I won't be verbally stepped on. Link to comment
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