what if it was the last time u could be with your love? his answer makes me sad

[yellowjello]

Yesterday I was hanging out with my boyfriend and he didn't have much time to hang out. He needed to be home in half an hour. He was really horny because he doesn't jerk off, he only gets off when hooking up with me. And the last time he saw me was a week ago. He wanted to hook up but I didn't really want to (partially because I was on my period and partially because I didn't feel like it). And I asked him, you only have thirty minutes to spend with me, why would you want to spend them hooking up? Wouldn't you rather just be with me and spend time with me? He said that as of now he has the desire to hook up so he would want to spend the time doing that, and it doesn't matter because we can spend time together any other time. We can spend time together tomorrow, or whenever we want. So we can hold off on that for now, for this impending desire.

 

That makes sense. I understand that. If he felt like hooking up now, he wanted to hook up now, and it's not a big deal because it's not like we're never going to get to spend time together. We can always do that next time.

 

But then I asked, what if you hadn't seen me in a year. And today you finally saw me and could only see me for thirty minutes. He said "I would most definitely want to spend the entirety of that thirty minutes banging you." I said "even if you wouldn't be able to see me again for another six months?" He said "yes."

 

That sort of broke my heart. It just bothers me. If I never get to see my boyfriend and I have thirty minutes to see him before losing him again for six months, I would want to spend time with him and hold him and kiss him and just be with him. I feel like if its just banging for physical pleasure, that is so unimportant in this situation because I can get that physical pleasure anytime. I can hook up with any hot guy and get physical pleasure, that is not what I'm losing here. What I'm losing is HIM, and the ability to be with him and be close to him. Wouldn't I rather spend my time doing THAT (something that I will never get to do again) instead of wasting it on the pursuit of physical pleasaure (something that I can get anytime anyway)??

 

I mean if it were making love that is different. I would want to spend those thirty minutes making love with him because that is not about physical pleasure. I would make love with him as a way of being close with him and connecting with him and that is the perfect thing to do in those thirty minutes. So basically I simply would not concentrate on physical pleasure in those thirty minutes that is the least important thing.

 

And the fact that he said this affected me a lot. I came home and didn't talk to anyone and just went to bed and felt like crying. And this morning when I woke up I was still in shock. I really feel miserable.

 

Am I taking this too seriously? Is this a big deal? Is there anything to worry about? Does this mean anything?

[Penseur]

This is a classic example of the great divide between males and females. Yes, you are capable of hooking up with a random guy at your discretion, but that is true of most females. It is different for guys, that is one of the reasons to have a girlfriend. It doesn't mean we don't have affection or love for our girlfriends or spouses, rather it is one of the important aspects.

 

That being said, your feelings are your feelings, and you are entitled to feel that they have been hurt by his comments. You cannot and should not ignore them. At the same time, you may be slightly making this too big of a deal. I think he is also discarding your feelings too much as well. I think this is a situation where a compromise of your needs and his needs can easily be met. Sex, kissing, spending time together, holding each other, actually all go hand in hand. If he just wanted to have sex and then leave right away, then yes, that would be problematic indeed. If you refused sex entirely, his needs will go unmet.

[quantumst8]

Well, provided you're in a monogamous relationship and your intent is to be faithful, then if you're away from each other for a year, you can't get it anytime you want.

 

I don't see why you can't have sex and be with each other at the same time. It's not like they need to be mutually exclusive.

[SpottiOtti]

The guys can correct me if I'm wrong, but is it possible that in your BF's mind, sex is the best way to show you how much he loves you?

 

Is there something else going on that makes you upset by this? It seems like the underlying thing that's getting to you is that, in your mind, his answer means he doesn't care as much about you as you do about him.

[oldenoughtoknow]

First, I hope you realize what a dangerous question this was to begin with. You guys had 30 minutes together, and this question somehow seemed like a good idea?

 

"what if you hadn't seen me in a year. And today you finally saw me and could only see me for thirty minutes. He said "I would most definitely want to spend the entirety of that thirty minutes banging you." I said "even if you wouldn't be able to see me again for another six months?" He said "yes.""

 

Could this be as simple as an issue of semantics? What if you replaced the word banging with making love? Better? Problem solved?

[WindowTo]

Could this be as simple as an issue of semantics? What if you replaced the word banging with making love? Better? Problem solved?

 

Of course it is semantics... In this culture women will often jump to the conclusion that all sex is for men is physical pleasure, but the truth is that for most men sex is the most intimate and meaningful thing we can do with a woman we love. Ask any sane man what his response to this question would be and unless the couple has a spoiled sexual relationship his answer will be sex. In my experience women do not seem to understand how sex is wired into a mans brain. If you replace the way you feel about commitment, that is probably as close as you can come to how a man feels about sex. A mans brain is designed to punish him if he does not have sex and reward him for having sex in ways that are extremely complex, and it is hard to describe how in fact offensive it is when women are critical of the male attitude towards sex. To be fair though, it is not always articulated with the most honesty or sensitivity, but he was probably already on the defensive from being asked a question that basically was already attacking his feelings on sex.

[yellowjello]

Well, provided you're in a monogamous relationship and your intent is to be faithful, then if you're away from each other for a year, you can't get it anytime you want.

 

I don't see why you can't have sex and be with each other at the same time. It's not like they need to be mutually exclusive.

 

We can, but that's a different type of sex. He said 'banging' and that's the type of sex you do for the pleasure. It's not the same as making love..

 

The guys can correct me if I'm wrong, but is it possible that in your BF's mind, sex is the best way to show you how much he loves you?

 

Is there something else going on that makes you upset by this? It seems like the underlying thing that's getting to you is that, in your mind, his answer means he doesn't care as much about you as you do about him.

 

That could be the case that sex is a way to express his feelings, but then he wouldn't have said banging. If he said he would want to make love to me in those thirty minutes, that answer would make me happy. But the fact that he said banging..that has a totally different meaning. Banging is the type of sex you do for the pleasure. Making love is the sex you do to express your feelings, and be close to eachother. The fact that he said he would want to bang me shows that in those thirty minutes he would be most concerned with physical pleasure..

 

First, I hope you realize what a dangerous question this was to begin with. You guys had 30 minutes together, and this question somehow seemed like a good idea?

 

"what if you hadn't seen me in a year. And today you finally saw me and could only see me for thirty minutes. He said "I would most definitely want to spend the entirety of that thirty minutes banging you." I said "even if you wouldn't be able to see me again for another six months?" He said "yes.""

 

Could this be as simple as an issue of semantics? What if you replaced the word banging with making love? Better? Problem solved?

 

Why was this a dangerous question? And YES it is semantics, thank you! If he had said making love I would have been happy. But it's not merely semantics because they mean totally different things. If he had said I want to spend those thirty minutes making love with you, that means that in those thirty minutes he wants to be close to me and connect with me emotionally and express his feelings to me and that is the reason why he wants to have sex, making love is a way of doing that. But since he said I want to spend those thirty minutes banging you, that means in those thirty minutes he wants to get physical pleasure and wants to bang me for that.

[pl3asehelp]

He was really horny because he doesn't jerk off, he only gets off when hooking up with me.

 

Just thought I'd let you know there is no way this is true. Every guy does it. Every. Single. One.

[yellowjello]

No I don't jump to the conclusion that all sex is for men is physical pleasure. I think "banging" is for physical pleasure. Banging and making love are different. And the fact that he said banging, not making love, is what makes me feel like he is just concerned with the physical pleasure. I understand that sex can be meaningful and intimate for men, but if that is what he wanted he wouldn't have said "banging" he would have said "making love".

 

And I know that any sane men will say sex in this situation but they would probably mean the making love type of sex, not mindless banging.

[WindowTo]

I think "banging" is for physical pleasure. Banging and making love are different. And the fact that he said banging, not making love, is what makes me feel like he is just concerned with the physical pleasure. I understand that sex can be meaningful and intimate for men, but if that is what he wanted he wouldn't have said "banging" he would have said "making love".

 

And I know that any sane men will say sex in this situation but they would probably mean the making love type of sex, not mindless banging.

So your saying because your own definition of banging is not meaningful sex, that it cannot possible mean that to anyone else on the planet Nor can it be possible that your boyfriend felt put off by your question and used the word banging knowing how you would feel about it, in order to emphasize the point that you are clearly accusing him of seeing sex as nothing but physical pleasure and that he is indignant that you would make that assumption in the first place. Come on. You are not fooling anyone. You simply refuse to believe what we are telling you, that even if this guy cares about you as much as he can, BANGING would still be a priority on his 30 minute to do list because it is his deepest expression of intimacy.

[yellowjello]

So your saying because your own definition of banging is not meaningful sex, that it cannot possible mean that to anyone else on the planet Nor can it be possible that your boyfriend felt put off by your question and used the word banging knowing how you would feel about it, in order to emphasize the point that you are clearly accusing him of seeing sex as nothing but physical pleasure and that he is indignant that you would make that assumption in the first place. Come on. You are not fooling anyone. You simply refuse to believe what we are telling you, that even if this guy cares about you as much as he can, BANGING would still be a priority on his 30 minute to do list because it is his deepest expression of intimacy.

 

I see what you're saying. Basically, you mean to say that when he says banging, he actually did mean emotional sex, but he just doesn't use the term "making love", and refers to it as "banging" instead? So we both just are using different words to classify the same thing? I refer to "banging" as physical sex, and "making love" as emotional, but he refers to "banging" as emotional. If that is true, then I feel a lot better.

[WindowTo]

I see what you're saying. Basically, you mean to say that when he says banging, he actually did mean emotional sex, but he just doesn't use the term "making love", and refers to it as "banging" instead? So we both just are using different words to classify the same thing? I refer to "banging" as physical sex, and "making love" as emotional, but he refers to "banging" as emotional. If that is true, then I feel a lot better.

 

Look, the word banging obviously conveys more of the physical pleasure of sex more so then it conveys the emotional aspect. What you have to understand is that men and women do not have exactly the same connections in their brain to sex. The physical aspect of the thing speaks to a mans heart and mind in some different ways in my opinion. To be taking care of that instinctive drive, that urge, to have succeeded in pleasing the needs of our mind and body with a woman that we respect, admire, and love fullfills the instinctive/physical as well as mental/societal pressures that are put on men in the same way that getting a man to commit to her fullfills for a woman. Also, what I mean to say is that if he probably said sex because it is the most intimate, passionate, meaningful thing he could think of and that he probably used the word banging instead of making love because he felt attacked and it was his way of being defensive. Sort of throwing it in your face to put an emphasis on that he does not think that your opinion of his feelings regarding sex are fair by using a word that emphasized the physical because you dont want to seem to accept the fact that the physical aspect of it garners a huge emotional response from men.