Trying to heal but I'm still bleeding all over.

[Lonely Boy]

Well to start with I am gay, I found the love of my life 2 years ago on line. We talked for a while, and we used to talk about everything and anything. We meet up a month later, and I fell in love with him the minute we locked eyes. It was a long distance relationship, for about a year it was rough and took a toll on us. I finally gave in not able to deal with the pain any more and moved up by him, four hours away from my home and family. I got a good job my own place and him he had his own place. we were distant from each other around this time, we were going through a rough patch. But we got through it, 2 months after living up there and never beeing in my own place we decided that it would benifit both of us to live together to save money, so he can get a bigger place. It was great for like 10 months then things started to get rough between us. During that time I lost my job but we remained strong and by each other side. It was rough again it added un need stress but we got through it. 4 months later I got an other job, and things were really on the up and up I felt. I would come home and there he was always waiting for me. I felt so happy to come home to him. 2 months later probably starting in July things got weird, our birthdays were a week apart mine the 16 his the 24, Mine came and went, he made sure he told me happy birthday, and that was it. I didn't care at first that he didn't get me a card or anything because he was there and that was good enough for me, but it bothered me. We took a long road trip to see my parents, and we had fun that day. I had a good day with him walking around town. well his birthday came around and it was 12am i did not realize what time it was and he got pissed that I was not the first person to say happy birthday to him, but I did once I realized what time it was. un like him I always went out of my way to try and make his birthday special. the first year together. I got into his apartment and decorated the whole place with streams balloons, and left a little present for him. He didn't want me around for it then, because he was spending it with his friends. so back to this year. I scaled it back I got him gifts, we woke I kissed him good morning and hugged him, and I slipped out of bed and ran out to the store not waking him. I got bagels his favorite, a birthday cake and something to make for dinner that night. and finished getting his birthday present that he wanted. well I get home fix everything up and wake him up, we had a nice time we sat watched Tv cuddled, we were supposed to go out but he kept procrastinating saying he was supposed to go to his friends later that night, that hurt me a little I had such a nice day planed but idk guess it was his Bday so i let it be I rushed dinner, and we had cake before he left. I cried a little that night not feeling appreciated, and it stuck with me for a while. Then he started going out, at night and not wanting to be with me, said he was hanging out with old friends. I'd cry cause he would leave me a lot august was bad, and it got to the point that I was having a hard time talking to him. And then finally August 31 it ened we were laying in bed and looked at each other, and could not speak. I broke down and asked him how do you still love me. it was a long hard conversation part of it i walked out side sat in the car and we texted. I came back in and he said to me I don't love you like a boyfriend any more. My world was over everything i lived for died that day in me. we sat up all night talking crying. I woke up the next morning with him in my arms, got up and went for a drive down to the park. he called me crying woundering were I was. I told him I would be home soon. I realized that it was over and I need to be alone. I came back some time later, we sat talked more and went on with our day. I had a job I gave up now I had to give two week notice and i was very stressed out. We lived togehter for 2 weeks after that day. It was very hard. i cried ever night when he left and would go out. Finally the day came for me to leave he was not home till late I waited for him, and we looked at each other sat and talked for 4-5 hours, I didn't want to leave. fianly i had to go I picked up our dog, and we hugged for the last time, he cried and said I didn't want you to leave. I feel apart, he wiped the tears from my eyes we kissed and hugged even more. we let go and I walked out the door something I never ever wanted to do to him. I turned around and there he was oppening the door crying, saying good bye again I looked up and smiled and said good bye once more. I got in my car all packed out and broke down as I put the car in reverse to pull away. I sent him a text of a mural i left for him on the side of our building, saying " I love you and

good bye. He texted I love you to back and that was it. It was done I lost the love of my life. I cried the whole 4 hours back home, the best year of my life was over.

 

We were still friends after that we talked, not a lot he would not always answer me. Bad things started to happening to him, A lot of his pets died, but things got better. 3 weeks after i left I had to go back up to get some final things of mine i left behind. And that's when i discovered he was seeing someone else by the marks clearly on his neck. I fell a part again. We slept together that night. woke up the next morning and went to go see his aunt in the hospital with cancer. We went shopping and then I took him to work, and he told me to go get my stuff and stop back to see him before I left. so I went home finished packing and his computer was on and sure enough. His face book now said he was in a relationship with this new guy and his anniversary was the night me and him slept together. I filliped out contacted this guy, and by doing that ended what me and him had for 2 years. He had told me he did not have feelings for this person. I come to find out that he was talking to him some were around the time I left. maybe before. We were now done and fighting we did not want this, but I did not know what to do my feelings were destroyed cause he never let anyone know we were in a relationship. but this guy he gave him that respect in only a short time.

 

well its been like 2 moths now and I'm still crying every day, I cant move forward , cause the memories of the past were so good. I spoke to him the first time in a while yesterday, and we were civil, supposedly he is not seeing that guy anymore, but who knows, He doesn't want to start texting any more, and i agree that would be wise we talked nicely and things are good for him, and I am happy. I don't know why but I want him back in my life so bad. I can't get over him he means the world to me. I know he's sad I just want to be there for him, but I can't. I thought 2 months I would still not be crying but I am, I just want our friendship back, I miss the good times.

[lukeb]

Based on your account this guy was clearly not interested in a relationship with you, even though you thought he was. You're describing a very rocky "relationship", and I am not so sure there were that many good times. You say you miss his "friendship" I am not so sure its friendship you're missing. Two months is still a fairly short time after the so called break-up, at least for you it felt like a break up but of course for him it wasn't even that. I think the best way to get over this and it is not like this is going to happen over night is to try to look back on your relationship more objectively, and get in the habit of doing that, over time you will see the relationship for what it was and that you deserve better.