Custody Issues

[sandy cheeks]

I couldn't find any other forum this belonged in, so I'm hoping that someone here has had experience with this issue and can offer advice.

 

My 11 year old son has been expressing unhappiness with the current custody agreement. He says he wants to live with me and only visit his father "every once and a while". When I asked for reasons why he felt this way he said things like; his dad gets angry with him allot, he doesn't get to see his friends when he's at his fathers, and that he "just loves (me) more".

 

I can think of many possible reasons he's feeling this way; his father just moved into a new house with his girlfriend and two kids, they moved out of the school district away from his friends, and his father is getting married in November. Maybe he feels insecure with all the changes surrounding his dad? And possibly it's just a phase little boys go through, getting attached to their moms?

 

While I would love to say "sure!!! come stay with me all the time." I know it’s not that simple. But it breaks my heart to know that he's unhappy over there.

 

I've told him to wait (don't say anything to his father about wanting to live with me!!) and see if he still feels this way in a few months. I explained that maybe he just feels this way because of all the changes going on? And that maybe all these changes are making daddy a little stressed and crabby too.

 

I don't know?? I'm worried that there's more to it than he's letting on. This kid use to idolize his dad! But I don't want to pursue legal action if it's just a passing thing. It would be nice if we (his dad and I) could sit down and work out something temporary to see if it helps, but I'm sure his dad will take his son's unhappiness as a personal attach, and blame me for it somehow, and then lay a guilt trip on our son, etc., etc., etc.

 

Has anyone had experience with this sort of situation? Advice please?

 

p.s.- I don't think this is a case of playing one parent over the other. "Daddy won't let me do this so I'll go live with mommy" First of all, I'm the stricter parent, and second of all my ex has all the money and spoils him constantly.

[lavenderdove]

Remember that your goal is to do what is right for your son in the long term...

 

i think right now his father has a whole new family life going on with a bunch more people involved, and your son may be feeling a bit less 'special' not having his full attention. It is probably actually good for him to stop being the total center of attention and learn to get along with siblings and to make new friends in the new situation.

 

If he says his father is 'angry', explore that further. Perhaps his Dad is angry that he is pouting, behaving badly etc. Don't just take everything your son says at face value, do some investigation. Talk to your son more and his father to find out what is going on in their home and whether there is a genuine reason for the anger (or if there is even anger at all).

 

You are doing the right thing by not immediately trying to change custody. Your son needs time to adjust and accept his new siblings and family life. He needs to be encouraged to make new friends wherever he goes and to try to get along in the new situation as it is his father and as he grows, he needs his father's influence as well as yours.

 

If you think there are serious problems, then take him to a neutral counselor who can help get to the root of why he doesn't want to adjust to the new arrangements. There may be a genuine problem, or this may just be petulance because your son is annoyed at no longer being the center of his father's world and having to share with a new wife and stepsisters.

[april15]

Give it a little time. If things are the same in 4-5 months, talk with the kid again, talk with his dad and assess the situation. If you think dad can be reasonable you might want to mention your wait and see approach to him. Either way keep an eye on the situation. The only reason to make a quick decision is if there is abuse going on. I had a similar situation, my kids' mom was "angry" all the time. She got through it, they got support from me during the stressful months, kept a stable, consistent home for them, and they came through fine and grew closer to me. At the time I thought I would be going to court soon but she never escalated beyond being crabby and short all the time.

[sandy cheeks]

If he says his father is 'angry', explore that further. Perhaps his Dad is angry that he is pouting, behaving badly etc. Don't just take everything your son says at face value, do some investigation. Talk to your son more and his father to find out what is going on in their home and whether there is a genuine reason for the anger (or if there is even anger at all).

 

Problem is, there is no talking to his father. (see my other posts) So, all I have to go on is what my son tells me. He did relay one instance when his dad "blew up at him". And it sounded like an overreaction on his father's part. The worst part was the punishment in my opinion. He told him he wouldn't read with him before bed that night. A tradition that we both do and our son loves. He has to read 30 minutes a night for school, and he really enjoys it when his dad or I grab a book and read too. It's bonding time for him. And it sets a good example. For his dad to use that as punishment seems like withholding affection. And I suspect that's how my son took it. The punishment doesn't fit the crime kinda thing.

 

I am very familiar with how his father behaves when he's angry. And I can see things through my son's eyes. I don't doubt for a second that his father is yelling at him. But enough to make him want to distance himself?

 

Plus, my ex, his girlfriend, and kids have been living together for over a year. Why are problems showing up now?

[lavenderdove]

Why are they showing up now? Because they are about to get married... that means your son knows this is a permanent situation and something that won't change so it is seeming more 'real' to him...

 

I also think that at 11, he might be of the age where he should start doing more on his own (i.e., reading on his own rather than with Mom and Dad there all the time). Your ex may be wanting him to grow up and be a bit more independent at his age, especially because there are 2 other children that need his attention now too, and your son may be resisting this.

 

No one can guess exactly what is going on, but I'd suggest you do wait until after the wedding and let things settle down more... Unless there is some kind of abuse going on, I wouldn't try to change child custody arrangements, which could cost a lot of money and a judge might be loathe to do it since the child should spend time with his father even if he is a bit unhappy with no longer being the only one or center of his father's attentions. He needs to bond with his new family, and get used to the idea that there are now step siblings involved.

[thejigsup]

Unless there is documented abuse, the courts will not change visitation on a child's whim. This situation sounds pretty typical of a divorced family. I was a legal assistant in a family law office for years and unless you want to spend A LOT (several thousand dollars) of money on an evaluator (that's how they determine if his father's household is not viable) just support the situation and see is his complaints don't die down. Sometimes children are resentful of one of their parents remarrying and try to "divide and conquer". Not a good thing for anyone involved, especially the child.

[sandy cheeks]

Well... despite my advice to NOT say anything to his father, my son went and told his dad that he loves me more. gasp!

 

His dad got angry, yelled at him, and told him he wasn't going to take them camping this weekend. (like he promised) Does that sound like a "good" way to handle the situation? And, he made my son apologize to him for saying it!! He's just trying to sort out his feeling. And he gets punished for having them. What kinda message is that sending?

[sandy cheeks]

 

I also think that at 11, he might be of the age where he should start doing more on his own (i.e., reading on his own rather than with Mom and Dad there all the time). Your ex may be wanting him to grow up and be a bit more independent at his age, especially because there are 2 other children that need his attention now too, and your son may be resisting this.

 

Mom and Dad aren't there all the time. He often reads on his own. In fact, he just spent an hour reading while I did choirs outside. A habit I like to think he developed because we've shown him that reading is enjoyable.

[CatsMeeoow]

Its change...

 

First his parents separate and then his dad moves on into a new family... he doesn't know how to fit in just yet.

 

I'm the step mom to a boy who seems to be in a similar situation as yours. Here's my viewpoint. My husband separated after years of being miserable with his first wife. That was hard enough on his kids as it would be for any - at the time aged 9 and 7. I didn't meet my husband until he had been legally separated for some time but divorce was being dragged out.

 

My step son who is now soon to be 12 has a variety of issues unfortunately but my husband and I only want him to reach the potential we know he can. He often comes to our house and has a wonderful time but others he tries very hard not to. He tries very hard to not get along with my son and goes home and complains that my son does this or that, etc but never tells his mother his role in the issues of course. Part of the issue is that he feels guilty. He feels he should be loyal to his mom and that having a good time at our house is not being loyal to her. She makes it worse by always asking for the dirt on his step brother always stirring the pot. The longer the my husbands kids are with us the more involved his son is but the minute he goes to his mother's house and returns... he's back to moody and bratty.

 

We also live an hour from his mother's house which means his usual friends are not here. We've invited his friends from time to time to sleep over as well as getting him into activities here where he can make some local friends. But, we recognize that dad's house just ins't mom's house. My step daughter is just go with the flow and she is about to turn 10. I've caught her mother trying to stir trouble with her over the phone over dishing their dad and it was hilarious to see her daughter quickly put her in her place... the son unfortunately is just manipulated by her.

 

My advice is to be positive and continue to listen and make suggestions but your son needs to get comfortable with his new step family and that will only occur if he is spending time there. I'm sorry that you are not able to talk more directly to the dad but you don't have to --- you mater of fact tell your son that this is the time he needs to spend with his dad and new family. So long as he is not physically or mentally put in harms way there is no need to try to disrupt it. Let him know you understand his frustration about all the changes and that even though his parents don't love each other anymore they still love him very much. Stick to the schedule and things will improve with time.

 

Good Luck

[thejigsup]

His father sounds mentally abusive. I would seek full custody. What his father said to him IS NOT OKAY!