I really want to change my Life!!!!!

[dancingfeet]

I really do, i've started writing a diary which at 36 i've never done. I'm starting to learn Spanish and the drums. I love music and i'm trying to stay positive. The thing i'm hoping with the diary is to change my behaviour or find out what it is that keeps me repeating making bad choices.

 

For example Last night i had a light-bulb moment regarding the people i choose in my life, i always get too close to one person only, i have other friends, but this 'one' friend is the same type of person i always get close too and they become my life. I've had three of them in the last ten years and they may as well be all the same person. They are all addicted, weak, manipulative, charming and sociopathic and they've all ended badly. I want to change that. I want to change that part of me that is naive and gullible and open and vulnerable so it stops.

 

So do you think a diary is a good thing, any other tips or advice? I know i'm far too open and honest, but its hard to hide something that has been a part my being for soo long.

 

If you have any tips or can share your experiences regarding changing your life, would be greatly appreciated, maybe we can help eachother? : ))))

[Flyingpiglet]

Hey dancingfeet....

 

You sound pretty similar to me. I have an awful habit of fixating on one thing... Sometimes a person, sometimes a situation.

I'm trying to figure out how to stop doing that

 

I am thinking of starting a private diary/journal too. I tried an open journal on eNA but I'm not sure it's right for me... It seemed to turn me into some sort of self pity person lol... (It might work for you though, everybodies different)

 

I don't have advice as such but.... Good luck!

[stevo1565]

Hey Guys,

 

I am too in the same boat when i was reading your post i could relate to so much. Its really hard to stop the fixation.

 

I've personally decided that i need a serious change and will be handing my notice in this week and then saving to go and live in the US a few things over the past few years have convinced me of this also we only get one chance at life so why not go and see the world meet new people etc.

 

I started a diary but also put everything that has gone on in my life over the past 6 years and wrote it as if it was someone looking from the outside in(Im still yet to finish it though). You would be suprised at the positive things that are there as well as the negative.

 

Good luck, Ste

[He2Him]

Hey dancingfeet,

 

Glad to see you taking the road of self-improvement I read your reply in my post and this, so I'll just post

 

I don't know how much would diary help, but purely analytically speaking I find it useless. For it stores the information of the past, and unless you would do large reviews of events noted down in it on periodical basis, there is no use for it as for self-improvement goes. Unless, as already said, you are your own observer. It's a form of self reflection. Imagine yourself playing at a stage and yourself being in the audience at the same time. You watch yourself play and can see how it goes, if the moves are good or not. You want to observer and study yourself closely to understand yourself and eventually change who you are.

 

Now, why do you repeat wrong choices. Basically, I'd say it's because who you are, what you believe in, what are your priorities, standards and boundaries and mostly, what you think of yourself. Self-love and even Self-hate can have a huge impact on your life as a whole. It can completely turn it upside down. Way too often people refrain from loving themselves, because they have many other fears that create inner barrier preventing them from becoming who they want to be. E.g. fear of what might other people think. What if I love myself so much it'll show? Will others think I'm narcissist ? And if they will think that, am I condemn?

 

This type of thinking can be seen anywhere, even I'm victim of it sometimes. Do I wear this t-shirt because I love it, or because I want others to love it? Now, to be honest that both at the same time is correct answer. For one, if you wear what you love, it will make you feel great. And for two, if others like what you wear, they will look up to you and your life will be so much easier in many ways.

 

So you see it's the way you think that determines how you feel about yourself, and how you feel about yourself makes the world see you that way.

 

Also, another tip, if you're practicing self-love or just starting - mirror is your best friend. Most of the time you don't see yourself and you only evaluate what you see, people and things around you. Keep a mirror nearby and look at yourself often to remind yourself of your existence. And not only that, you must stop measuring yourself according to others, if you do. And start measuring others according to you.

 

I know they say don't judge others, and I mean not to judge to anyone, but this goes hand in hand with standards and boundaries you should have. Standards - what you would do for/to others. Boundaries - what you let others do for/to you.

It's good to be very clear on what these two are.

 

One more tip, remember that words fall flat if you don't feel what they mean. You may repeat thousand times that ''you're awesome'', but to no avail until you really believe and feel that you're awesome. Just look around yourself and look at everyone very closely and see who they are, if some of their character traits inspire you and you'd like to have them note it down. Then work on obtaining these traits. You will eventually get them and they'll become your own. After some time you'll look around again and will see how everybody ''sucks'' compared to you, and how much more better than them you are now. I know this sounds kind of cocky and harsh, but this is reality you never have to let anyone know about. I'm sure there are other more humble approaches to achieve the same goal, choose one that works for you. And regardless of how nice or cruel it may seem, never reveal it to anyone.

 

For I've learned the hard way that vast majority of people just don't understand your inner fight and the road of self-improvement you have chosen. If you however decide to share your experience be ready to face waves of misunderstanding and ridicule.

 

Anyway, to the people you choose. Basically their characteristic tell you something about yourself. Choosing ''addicted and weak'' could mean that you have urge to take care for people. Choosing manipulative could mean that you're not really comfortable making decisions on your own, which stem from lack of self-confidence and you ''need'' someone who shows the strength to make the decisions.

These are just examples, and often root cause is different but just wanted to give an example.

 

Moving on, learning from others about who you are is just first step. Now you have to clearly define who you WANT to be. Once you have a crystal clear picture of yourself in the future, you can really move on in that direction. To give you an example, I want to have very well defined body, I wanna be confident and cool. Hell..., just imagine superman. He's all that I want to be, tho' I realize I won't have superpowers and won't fly. Well isn't that a hero everyone looks up to? And how great it must feel to be such hero. I can tell (from my personal experience) that on my road of self improvement I had moments that I felt like a hero. And it felt great. What happened was that my environment stopped defining me, and it was me who started to define my environment.

 

That's like ultimate goal you can achieve. When you become so strong that you have your own picture of yourself and everything around you, that the environment starts changing accordingly to it.

 

Your life will be the fairy tale you've dream of.

 

One last tip to note for now is, that as you keep on working on yourself, there will be times when you'll doubt that you'll ever reach your goal. That you will become who you want to be. These moments might be very depressing and are able to break your will so hard that you'll give up and quit. One way of resist the pressure of such moments is to realize that they help teach you for example persistence.

 

There's so much more to self improvement, so much more than I can describe in here, so I'll just refer you to two links I found very helpful for times you've got nobody to talk your change over with or have no thoughts to think of.

 

link removed - great site, I read it for almost 9 months now. Great great help.

link removed - just found it today, read quite a lot of stuff on it, and it seems great.

 

Hope this helps a bit, actually, I hope this helps a lot to be honest haha.

[zaza34]

when you are about to change something anything is good, you need all the help you can find so diary are great...

I lost weight this way for example... I just wrote down every day what I am eating and I modified it, what should I eat, cut calories etc. so now I am at the weight I was when I was 20, feeling good, very proud of myself!

So I keep writing a sort of a diary, now about stuffs I want to do, improve etc. helps me a lot, seeing on a paper makes a different impact on you, plus you calm down meanwhile, helps you see things more rational... lists are also helpful, I am always writing lists, 2 list comparing things, like about an ex relationship for example: good things vs bad things... and I found out good things were 2, bad things 12, so after that it is easier to realize (when you see it on a paper, expressed in numbers) you made a mistake, you wasted your time etc... so it s time to manage your life in a better way... learning things are also helpful, I also stared to learn a new language (this is the 5th) finding a hobby also a great help, I made a blog from the pictures I am taking and it s also a great source of energy seeing you were spending your free time realizing something nice and maybe others like your work as well... so keep up the good work!!! x

[dancingfeet]

Hey dancingfeet....

 

You sound pretty similar to me. I have an awful habit of fixating on one thing... Sometimes a person, sometimes a situation.

I'm trying to figure out how to stop doing that

 

I am thinking of starting a private diary/journal too. I tried an open journal on eNA but I'm not sure it's right for me... It seemed to turn me into some sort of self pity person lol... (It might work for you though, everybodies different)

 

I don't have advice as such but.... Good luck!

 

Hi Flyingpiglet

 

To me its like i'm living my life through others until i have no life of my own...now that hasn't been a conscious choice, but a choice all the same and your right, its knowing how to stop it as it is always trouble. I don't know about you, but it starts almost like they need you but in the end you need them more. Its like this horrible dance into confusion and despair until you feel like your completely worthless. You end up questioning yourself!!!! I mean thats insane, thats the conclusion i came too last night. Why am i questioning myself? I know i'm good, i've no motive, but whoever or whatever the situation or person is, i end up questioning myself???

 

well now i am, but not in that way anymore, not the way they want me too either, this is for my benefit. Flyingpiglet you should have seen me last night, i was blubbing like a baby haha, full of self-pity, but i had to get all that rubbish out and now its time to learn the right way and positively : ))

 

I really wish you luck aswell Flyingpiglet, i know how hard it is!!!

 

I've got a notepad and i'm just going to write random things

 

 

BTW how do you multi-reply? hehe i've have soo much to learn

[dancingfeet]

Hey Guys,

 

I am too in the same boat when i was reading your post i could relate to so much. Its really hard to stop the fixation.

 

I've personally decided that i need a serious change and will be handing my notice in this week and then saving to go and live in the US a few things over the past few years have convinced me of this also we only get one chance at life so why not go and see the world meet new people etc.

 

I started a diary but also put everything that has gone on in my life over the past 6 years and wrote it as if it was someone looking from the outside in(Im still yet to finish it though). You would be suprised at the positive things that are there as well as the negative.

 

Good luck, Ste

 

Stevo1565 i love the idea of a diary where its like looking at yourself from the outside. Like anything in life, there are many magical moments as well, life is short and its inspiring that your are literally grabbing it by the horns!!

 

Its strange how we get ourselves into situations were we end up fixating on one thing and how it can slowely take over our lives. Is it worthlessness? Are we avoiding ourselves? and why? what made us that way?

 

I'm only starting out here, but you sound that you've truly overcome or are overcoming those things that have stopped you from living your life, throguh action.

 

Travel is definitely on my list too, its a five year plan thingy..money etc. But i won't back down or get distracted from it.

 

Good luck : ))

[dancingfeet]

He2Him I'm going to check out those websites later at home, i'm in work (don't tell anyone hehe).

 

Btw your advice is really appreciated, it is true especially what you said about and i quote :

 

'Standards - what you would do for/to others. Boundaries - what you let others do for/to you.

It's good to be very clear on what these two are.

 

Thats something i've never been great at, i have this terrible way of thinking and doing it too, you know that 'hey we could be all dead tomorrow' kind of attitude, so i literally would do anything for people at a click of the fingers, i don't think, i just do it, knowing full well if it was the other way around, they would be running in the other direction. Boundaries again is all very blurry, especially when you become so integrated in someones elses life, in fact there are no boundaries, i suppose when i think about it, maybe thats why its easy to walk all over me, but i don't start out that way...haha you've made me think (that could be dangerous!!!)

 

I know there will be great moments of doubt, i've already had a small one today, but you're right, it is trying to define what you want to be and picturing it clearly so you can reach that goal..

 

Thanks again for your words He2Him : ))

[dancingfeet]

zaza34 if i could be the same weight when i was 20, i would feel like i'm 20 all over again: ))) what a great idea!!! Well done and from what you describe just writing it down and modifying it made such an impact physically and mentally, because you alone achieved that.

 

I'm not so sure about the list idea, i can understand it from an organisational point of view and to do one would make you take more action in fulfilling ideas or dreams, but i would be afraid of the negatives from that, for example if you didn't achieve something from the list, or in terms of good versus bad, would that not incline you to focus on the more negative?

[zaza34]

hey dancingfeet, unfortunately not everything look the same like 14 years ago anymore but at least I am wiser or at least now I am struggling, a few years ago I wasn t...

well, you have to be brutally honest with yourself first of all and face everything as it is, good and bad... face it, but not accept everything, some things can be changed!!! without that you are not going anywhere... so yes, negative lists are part of the process... because there is never just a negative list, there are plenty of positives as well... if positive things gives you straight, make proud of yourself also negative things could urge you to make some changes... but I am sure you are on the right way anyway... XXX

[zaza34]

hey dancingfeet, unfortunately not everything look the same like 14 years ago anymore but at least I am wiser or at least now I am struggling, a few years ago I wasn t...

well, you have to be brutally honest with yourself first of all and face everything as it is, good and bad... face it, but not accept everything, some things can be changed!!! without that you are not going anywhere... so yes, negative lists are part of the process... because there is never just a negative list, there are plenty of positives as well... if positive things gives you straight, make proud of yourself also negative things could urge you to make some changes... but I am sure you are on the right way anyway... XXX