Post- College Crowd.

[Dougie_D]

I'm 30 years old and I am trying my hardest to meet new people. I have lived in LA for about a year and a half. I basically work at home or where my computer is at. Sometimes I bring my laptop to the "office" but it's just another building with 3 other dudes.

 

I've asked this question before but I don't really see the benefits of all the possible places to meet new people anymore. I feel REALLY lost in this department now.

 

I go to MONTHLY meet-up group but it's 1 day in one month. Most of these people are male or/and married. Not much selection or new people to hang out with. It seems like any other such meet-up group will be the same.

 

The online dating will never happen. I'll go back and forth with some emails and once I ask to actually want to hang/meet them I get NOTHING back. My other roommate is a very attractive fit guy and the WOMEN are the ones that ask HIM OUT. It kinda sucks because he takes the site as a joke.

 

I want to find a positive solution but I've come up with no answer. I've been doing more of NOTHING lately. Am I being bitter, or is just the reality and I really need to accept I'm going to die with never being in a relationship? I didn't have many opportunities to even be in a relationship. Every single girl that I have ever been friends with was a mutual friend of or the girlfriend of a GUY I was friends with. And most all these girls had a major crush on them. I never could actually MAKE a relationship with a girl that was started from the two of us and THEN build friends around OUR RELATIONSHIP. I have basically been the 3rd wheel my entire life. I have more "couple" friends then you would ever imagine.

 

Life sucks today....

[TakingtheBlame]

Don't be discouraged. It seems like a cliche, but nothing worth having in life comes free. I mean, think about it...didn't you work really hard and have tough times when you've accomplished things in the past? Finding the right person to date is a task like anything else, and it's not going to be easy!

 

So, that said, a couple of my observations specific to your post: first, don't assume every Meetup group is exactly the same as the one you attend now. Go out and actually attend a few more. I have been a member of several Meetup groups...some met once a month, some met once or twice a week, and each had a very different demographic of members. And second, you say your roommate is fit and attractive and imply that this is why he can get women. Do you consider yourself fit and attractive? You should! And if you don't, why not make your goal to be happy with your own appearance (whatever that may mean to you) before trying to accomplish dating?

 

Whatever you do, don't get bogged down in negativity! I know it's hard (I feel the same way lately!), but that's life...just continue to improve yourself for YOU and stop assuming that everything in life is exactly like all of the things you've already tried.

[Dougie_D]

didn't you work really hard and have tough times when you've accomplished things in the past?

 

I'm not sure if I have actually accomplished something. I never had to worry about anything really. Getting a girlfriend has been #1 on my list since middle school. I've been working hard and seeking my first relationship but it still hasn't happened.

 

Go out and actually attend a few more.

 

You have a suggestion to what types of meet-ups would be great for someone who wants to meet new people? Where's a good site?

 

Do you consider yourself fit and attractive? You should! And if you don't, why not make your goal to be happy with your own appearance (whatever that may mean to you) before trying to accomplish dating?

 

Thanks but no thanks. I've never really been concerned about my appearance, but ONLY when other people tell me it's the reason why I can't pick up girls and it would benefit me to clean up. I shower twice a day, brush my teeth and stuff. The problem is I get mixed results from people. Some say I should be slimmer or dress better or groom better, etc...It's never been what I cared about, mostly what others say to me to make myself wonder if I need to change my ways.

You are saying that I should be happy with my appearance. I am! Girls just don't think I'm attractive for some reason! Does fashion really concern people?! My roommates think I need to get new shoes. Why??? I only judge myself when they start judging me first.

 

just continue to improve yourself for YOU and stop assuming that everything in life is exactly like all of the things you've already tried.

 

I'm trying to improve! Improve my chances in finding a girlfriend. That's all I care and think about. It's the huge cloud over my shoulder. It will make me a happier person for sure. I just don't know what OTHER THINGS to try???

[TakingtheBlame]

Hmm....OK. Let's see what we've got here.

 

I'm sure you've heard everything that I've got to say twenty times before, but one thing I've learned is that the reason some advice is cliche is because it's actually true (for the most part!) So here goes....

 

For example, it worries me a little that you say your only goal since middle school has been to have a girlfriend. Most women, or at least quality women, don't want a boyfriend just to have a boyfriend. They want to have a boyfriend who they feel is a partner in life, someone who can add to their life with his interests, sense of humor, social group, etc. That means you have to have accomplishments OTHER than wanting a girlfriend in order to actually attract a girlfriend. Sounds counter-intuitive, I know...I've had phases where I wanted a boyfriend more than anything else in the world, but I realize when I got that way, I couldn't actually find anyone. It's only when I got my act together and focused on other aspects of my life (hobbies, friends, career) that I started to have any success with dating. And that's not to say I stopped looking for a boyfriend...it just means I tried not to ALWAYS go out to professional and social events with the specific intention of finding a boyfriend. It's not easy AT ALL trying to redirect your focus and energy when you're lonely and feeling hopeless, but life's not easy.

 

Speaking of re-directing focus and energy, I've always used link removed exclusively for my meet-up needs. So far, I'm a member of a book club (meets once-twice a month and members are late 20s through early 40s professionals), I was a member of a volleyball meetup group for awhile (met once a week and members were mostly in their late 20s to late 30s), and I'm planning on joining a running club which meets three-four times a week and the members are from all ages and walks of life. Why not pick a really grueling task and make that your main focus? Maybe join a running club and train for a half marathon! When you're running constantly you'll be too exhausted and lack the time to think about having a girlfriend! But you'll also be meeting a lot of new people and developing a bond with them over a common interest, so you'd likely find a girlfriend (or at least new friends) while trying to avoid focusing on finding a girlfriend.

 

Oh, and regarding physical appearance...I asked my brother once, a few years ago, for a guy's opinion on why my luck with guys wasn't great, and he thought for a minute and finally said (in all seriousness) "Maybe work on flattening your stomach a little?" I'm not overweight by any stretch of the imagination, so I was a little shocked (despite the fact that I don't have the abs of your average pop-star) and I asked "Are you being serious?" And he basically said "It's not a big deal but everything else about you is fine, so why leave guys ANY logical reason to reject you?" Overly simplistic, sure, but he made a good point...if you're happy with the way you are then that's great, but if you're having trouble finding a girl and people keep telling you to try something new with your appearance, would it really hurt to give it a shot and see what happens? There's always room for improvement, and it also gives you something to focus on and strive for beyond finding a relationship....

[MattW]

I feel like I'm in the same boat. I've never found a girl I connected with enough to even go on a date with. As negative as I come off on these forums, I really don't hate or dislike myself or my qualities as much as people here might think. I mean, I'm definitely not "traditionally" attractive in a physical sense, but I don't consider myself "ugly", or anything like that. I'm not really "ashamed" of anything about myself, so I don't feel like I give off that kind of vibe, either. My only REAL problem is that I'm a bit reserved. I'm not "shy"; I just tend to keep to myself for the most part, as I often feel like I'm bothering people otherwise.

 

So, the truth is, I really don't know what it is about me that just doesn't do it for any girls. It's frustrating, because I don't know what it is I need to really work on or improve about myself. I've tried actually tried working on some of the little details about myself over the last few years, but it seemingly hasn't changed anything for myself.

 

Most women, or at least quality women, don't want a boyfriend just to have a boyfriend. They want to have a boyfriend who they feel is a partner in life, someone who can add to their life with his interests, sense of humor, social group, etc. That means you have to have accomplishments OTHER than wanting a girlfriend in order to actually attract a girlfriend.

 

I understand the point you're trying to make, but if this is true, then wouldn't the only people that ever get dates be the most exciting, ambitious people? I, personally, don't know anyone in my age range that's never even been on a date, and very very few of said people have great careers and/ or are constantly doing exciting, interesting things, or whatever else constitutes "accomplishments". So, where does that leave me, then? I wouldn't say I don't have goals, or "dreams", or whatever, but most of the things I want to accomplish are still a ways off from actually being obtainable. I can't buy into the idea that I can't date until I've "accomplished" things. Like I said, plenty of people I know haven't accomplished anything special, yet they date, have relationships, etc.

[agatha]

you are most likely searching for a relationship, but not really interested at the person you are meeting. I see it happen all the time - guys come and hit on me, but they swear they got me all figured out. they either talk about themselves all the time or don't talk at all, and when I'm doing the talking/asking, they don't really listen (like this guy who couldn't even remember my name after 1hr convo). they don't ask how my day was, or get interested on the details. think of any girl who you had a crush on, and list everything you knew about her. what kind of music she likes is just as important as knowing how she spent her childhood, for example. relationships are about sharing seemingly unimportant things that create significance to that bond. sometimes even with people you didn't even think you could feel so connected to.

 

expand your activities and interests (the reading club is a great tip), but also work on depth of thought.

[Dougie_D]

Honestly, it's very hard for me to be interested in something if I don't like it. I feel like what my passions are in life, people in general don't care about them either. I've NEVER read an ENTIRE book. I get caught up with different things. I've never finished a video game as well. I just get tired of it.

 

You are right about people. I get bored with people very easily. I don't ignore people, I do try to include them in things I want to do...but one time my neighbors were having a party and my roommates didn't want to go. I said, "Ok. whatever, I'll go over there anyways." I need to find someone that is over the top wild that can drag me into doing fast things. I hate doing things by myself now. It's getting boring. Going hiking isn't very fun to me....but if someone invited me to some scavenger hunt, NOW, that's exciting! I have to live my life in SUSPENSE, not danger though.

 

What are "interests" I need to be involved in? I'm really confused. Is a BOARD GAME meet-up not good enough????

[MattW]

Heh, I think I'm just weird, or something, but I actually remember a LOT of little things that people say and do. I always thought "paying attention" to that kind of stuff was supposed to be a good thing, but it's never come in handy for me, that I can recall. Any time I've tried to show people that I do remember little stuff, and that I do pay attention, they always seem to think I'm kinda weird for doing so. *shrug*