Feeling humiliated; confront ex over gossip?

[aulelia]

My ex boyfriend broke up with me around 2 and 1/2 months ago and we've been NC (my choice) for around 8 weeks. His reason was he didn't feel the same anymore. The normal ''it's not you, it's me'' and ''I love you but I'm not in love with you'' nonsense.

 

Recently, I heard from a mutual acquaintance that she went to a dinner with him the week where he broke up with me, and he told the people at that dinner that he was planning to break up with me because he wanted to go out and party.

 

This dinner was before he broke up with me. I was really hurt when I heard about this. I know 99% that she is not lying because she told me the names of other people who were there and she just has nothing to gain by making it up.

 

I've known about this for around 2 weeks or so - I am just so angry at how he could have been talking behind my back like that about breaking up with me to basically strangers or just acquaintances who are not even his close friends. It's just so cavalier.

 

I'm planning on leaving the country in a few months - would it be worth breaking NC to let him know that I felt humiliated over this whole thing and that his behaviour of talking about me to these strangers before he ended with me was wrong?

 

Thoughts much appreciated.

[lanaa]

did he try to contact you in those 8 weeks?

[Snowy]

Will breaking NC help you?

 

How does letting him know you felt humiliated help you in any way?

 

I think it would be a waste of your effort to tell him.

 

Move on.

[DN]

I agree - I don't think it would be a good idea. he won't care and you will feel even worse.

[Carus]

...he won't care and you will feel even worse.

This^^

 

He MAY care later on down the track when and if things dont go well for him and he's done some retrospecting....but right now no*

 

8-)

[RedDress]

I agree - but I also think this is another case of "it's not about you".

 

When he was talking to those people, he was talking about himself and his desire to be single and to party. That's really not a reflection of you... that's a statement about him.

 

I don't think you should confront him but I also don't think you should feel humiliated. He wasn't trash talking you or anything. He was talking about himself, his own direction in life and his own desires. That really has nothing to do with you.

[Sanity]

I agree - but I also think this is another case of "it's not about you".

 

When he was talking to those people, he was talking about himself and his desire to be single and to party. That's really not a reflection of you... that's a statement about him.

 

I don't think you should confront him but I also don't think you should feel humiliated. He wasn't trash talking you or anything. He was talking about himself, his own direction in life and his own desires. That really has nothing to do with you.

 

That. Sometimes a lot of things are magnified and interpreted wrongly. Step back. He didn't talk bad about you, and no attacks were made about you. If it is anything, he was talking bad about himself saying he loves you but he was not ready to commit. That he wants to party etc.

[lavenderdove]

Meh, people are rarely totally honest when they break up with you. They do this for all kinds of reasons, because they don't want the drama, they don't want you angry with them, they don't want to hurt you, they don't want to feel back about themselves or have others feel badly about them.

 

And it is universally true that people ALWAYS think about leaving a long time before they actually leave, and you are usually the last to know they've made that decision because they are putting it off to avoid the scenes and fallout from the breakup.

 

So he may have left for the reasons he told you, plus other reasons that he told the other people. They are not mutually exclusive. He could enjoy you, but recognize he just can't party it up as much if he has a GF and is tied down. And the initial excitement of having a GF might have worn off when he realized that that meant he was tied down and couldn't party as much.

 

So I don't think he intended to deceive you, he just told you part of the story, which is normal in a breakup. People don't want to say, 'i broke up with you because i'm bored with you and want to party instead.' So he sanitized it a bit to try to get out easier and without turning the knife. I'd just let it go... what you learned didn't change anything, he's still gone and still not interested, so confronting him and making a scene will only make him feel gladder that he is free and no longer accountable to a GF who will rake him over the coals if he does something she doesn't like.

[aulelia]

Thanks for all your comments everyone.

 

I understand what you are all saying - and I really am trying to move on.

 

@lanaa, no he did not try and contact me since the NC

 

@Snowy, you are probably right that it won't help. I just feel so furious that he can talk about it in such a cavalier way. This wasn't a silly affair - it was real, at least to me.

 

@DN, I think the part that he won't care is what makes me so annoyed.

 

@RedDress, thanks for your calories. Maybe he wasn't talking about me per se, but isn't that tacky to blab about how you are going to dump your girlfriend before you do it?

 

@Sanity, that is a fair point but don't people have a responsibility to each other to at least be fair? I know it is futile over-analysing this.

 

@lavenderdove, thanks for your comment. I understand what you mean about raking the coals, but again how can people think it is fair to treat their ex SO in such a tasteless way? The whole time he was talking about breaking up with me, I didn't have a clue.

 

I'm leaning against not confronting him but I am still smarting so hard about how he could talk about it like that before he broke up with me. I don't even know how I can live it down seeing the other people who heard him talk about us.

 

I've always been fairly discreet about relationships.

 

Thanks again for all your comments.

[mhowe]

His actions make him look like an idiot, not you. And that's what everyone who listened to him thinks as well. Maintain your pride and dignity, take the high road, and forget about this jerk. You will never feel sorry for what you didn't say.

 

And that thing about life or people being fair? That's a fairy tale.

[aulelia]

His actions make him look like an idiot, not you. And that's what everyone who listened to him thinks as well. Maintain your pride and dignity, take the high road, and forget about this jerk. You will never feel sorry for what you didn't say.

 

And that thing about life or people being fair? That's a fairy tale.

 

Thanks for your comment, mhowe. I am trying to forget about him and yes life definitely is not fair. It just hurts even more when it is someone you care about.

 

I've decided I won't confront him as it will probably open Pandora's box.

[Silverbirch]

Aulelia, I know how you feel. I'm really glad now that despite all the hurt I have felt from my ex that I have been able (at least so far to maintain my dignity). Nobody is more surprised than I am that I have discovered another man I have known for 2 years who I have learnt has always liked me. He has been a friend, and although it is early stages right now, seems to be developing into something much more. He is so much nicer than my ex in EVERY way, and I believe that I will have a much easier and happier relationship with this new man. If not, I will still be okay. I believe that people like these exes who are referred to here are usually their own worst enemies. From my ex's apppearance when I last saw him to collect my belongings, he certainly didn't look as though single life is being kind to him, but Meh, who cares. His problem, not mine. There's so much I could throw at him if I wanted, but the blunt truth is that it isn't worth me stooping to that level.

[aulelia]

I just feel so helpless and I know it's all in my head, but in a way, I just feel so used in a way like how someone can talk about the relationship like that?

 

I know the best revenge is living well. I just still love him so much.

[Sanity]

I just feel so helpless and I know it's all in my head, but in a way, I just feel so used in a way like how someone can talk about the relationship like that?

 

I know the best revenge is living well. I just still love him so much.

 

I've been on his side of the scenario. Quite recently too. Sometimes we say things to justify to ourselves that the break up is for the better. Even if we say it with no intention of insult, it just comes out that way. I can see why you feel offended that he is 'talking behind your back'. But I honestly doubt he did it to prove that he was the victim and you were the cause of it all. It was a simple statement he said. Things can be misinterpreted really badly when you yourself is not there to listen to what he said. Gestures and tones etc can affect the meaning of what we say. If a friend of mine said that during a dinner about his/her ex, I wouldn't think that it was an insulting statement. If he was smirking and saying it as a joke, then yes I would say its an insult. I can see where you're coming from, but break ups don't change who your ex is. Trust your judgement of who he was.

 

Me and my ex had an argument during our courtship. She said 'he flirts with me alot and txts me' to a friend. The friend says 'wow that should be quite annoying'. She replied 'yeah'. The 'yeah' can be interpreted in so many ways. She told me it was meant as a way to end the conversation not agreement. The 'yeah' which was said without thinking, can cause an argument to last over weeks.

 

Just want to show you how emotions can cloud whether something is offensive or not.

[aulelia]

I think you make a good point - intonation, body language - they all count for a lot especially when it comes to boyfriends/girlfriends. Because I thought I knew him, I never thought he would do something like that. Anytime we would have a problem, I would always want to be honest and sort it out face to face. He never told me that he wanted to break up because he wanted to party/be single - he made it seem to me that he did not feel anything anymore which I suppose is the same thing.

 

It's just so hard to imagine that he could be so cavalier in telling strangers who are barely his friends about the ins and outs of me and him without even a thought of whether I would hear it.

[Sanity]

I think you make a good point - intonation, body language - they all count for a lot especially when it comes to boyfriends/girlfriends. Because I thought I knew him, I never thought he would do something like that. Anytime we would have a problem, I would always want to be honest and sort it out face to face. He never told me that he wanted to break up because he wanted to party/be single - he made it seem to me that he did not feel anything anymore which I suppose is the same thing.

 

It's just so hard to imagine that he could be so cavalier in telling strangers who are barely his friends about the ins and outs of me and him without even a thought of whether I would hear it.

 

Don't let it bother you too much. Sadly I was in his exact position and my ex thinks I was talking crap about her. Off she is happily on a rebound and thinking she saw my true colours.

 

So I understand both sides. Lucky for me I found out that she knew about it so I explained; whether it worked I have no idea. I do hope he said it without any intention of trashing you. I don't think you should confront him so close to BU. Especially with you being the dumpee as if he really did do it unintentionally, you're just giving him more justification that the break up was for the better. The very fact that he left you for greener grass is worse than anything he can say about you.

 

Edit: Maybe the fact that he didn't care that it has a high possibility of getting back to your ears means that he did it unintentionally? He wouldn't think he has anything to hide. Not trying to protect him but confrontation would lead to more problems. At the end of mine, there were so many problems that I felt suffocated.

 

If he did talk bad about you, be the bigger person. People can see for themselves and judge.