Have I ruined everything?

[Amanda Dobson]

Hi there,

Okay firstly, this all happened 6 days ago.

 

I met a man a couple of months ago, everything was perfect. We connected completely on all areas, just perfectly. Everything went so well that he asked me to meet his son and stay over (his little boy lives with him) and I have spent quite a few nights over there and his little boy never wants me to leave, always asks when I am going back again etc. He told me he loved me, that I was the most amazing person he ever met, that he couldn't believe he met someone he could connect with like this. I felt the same, it was amazing. I got a little freaked out last week and I misunderstood something he said to me on the phone. He said to as I heard it 'You are the most amazing person I have ever met, I can see you in my life and my kids life a very long time, I can think of noone better to be in my kids life......I am feeling messy, overwhelmed'. My icks kicked in and I asked him if he needed a break, he replied yes. He claims later that he did not say this, very solidly, he said he called as he was reassuring me as I thought he was pulling back.

 

I told him i would change my facebook status back to single and for him to let me know what he wanted (via text). I then went out and had a few drinks with friends, red wine is awful for me and he sent a text saying 'I am sorry you seem to be hurt, I love and care for you very much'. I got quite nasty, telling him I deserved better than to be pulled away from and that we were done (alcohol and insecurity talking).

 

The next day he told me he couldn't excuse my behaviour and that it was over. He was very cold and robotic like about it, there was nothing but cold hardness in his voice. I sent him flowers, saying 'I love you, life will not be as fun, warm or beautiful without you in it, I hope you can see the beauty in us and come back to me'. He text messaged to thank me for the flowers on Saturday saying 'I got he flowers, Thank You! They are very nice'.

 

I then did the worst thing possible and tried texting him on Sunday, eventually him replying telling me it was over, that he was not my guy, that he could not get over my behaviour. I made things worse, I have emailed him for a few days, trying to get him to see that we were amazing, how stupid it is to end things over a misunderstanding and some drunken texts that really, he was over reacting about and making a mountain out of a molehill. He hasn't replied needless to say and I stopped yesterday afternoon, realising I was pushing him away further.

 

I am kicking myself that I have ruined things with the most amazing man I have ever met, we were just so perfectly matched in every way (he hadn't dated in over 4 years, I hadn't in 3.5 thats how picky we both are).

 

Have I totally ruined everything?

[Mustachio]

Its pretty hard to say if you have actually ruined everything or not. However, what you need to do is back off, both for his sake and yours. I think he is feeling a little smothered at the moment and on his end it probably seems like your behavior is all over the place. Give it a little while and see if he gets in touch, and then you can try and work past this.

[abitbroken]

I think this relationship was too much of a whirlwind and the pace couldn't be kept up with. I think it was kind of inappropriate for him to have you sleep over with his son present early on, but that's just me. Since you didn't start slow and build up, you needed a break or a cool down period. But it seems that you freaked out about that. I also think that you need to take responsibility for your words and actions. You said that wine does things to you, as if that is a valid reason for talking the way you did. If wine does that to you, then don't answer your phone when you drink wine or learn to control what you say. Or don't drink. Don't shift the blame. Even in your email to him you told him that he was overreacting and blowing things out of proportion. it seems that when he didn't answer you right away, you escalated and went from "how amazing you are" to "you are overreacting" proving you can and will not give someone space. And that goes beyond "whoops, i said something dumb, please forgive me" to reminding him why he shouldn't contact you.

 

It could be that he really wanted to slow things down, but you gave him an opening and an excuse to end it because you wouldn't do that. Or the other possible is that he has dealbreakers, and speaking to him in the manner you spoke to him/texted him was a dealbreaker for him. Aferall, he did text you something sweet and nice. if someone tells me they can do better, well, I am going to let them. I had an ex who would say that and I don't need that kind of manipulation.

 

Anyway, I think that he made up his mind. The only way to salvage this is to stop contacting him completely. Just don't. Let weeks go by. If he doesn't contact you, wait another week beyond when you can stand it. If you must, then contact him, and if he doesn't respond or blows you off, you have your answer. But I think he already spoke. you will see in time.

[Amanda Dobson]

Yup, I have let him know I was an idiot, that I was sorry, I have taken my blame. I flew off the handle when actually he was saying he could see me in his life forever, in his kids life. He loved me, thats the hard part and I broke his trust and possibly his heart by my behaviour. However, my point on over reacting, is I know numerous people who have done much worse, so yes, maybe he was looking for an excuse as he felt overwhelmed.

 

In all fairness, I wouldn't call it whirlwind. I have been in those things that move fast. This was grounded, very natural and was at a pace we both just flowed with. There wasn't that full on feeling you get when you are whirlwinding. Some relationships move quite fast, others don't, a fast relationship isn't always a bad one.

 

Yes though, I have to back off and let him have space. Maybe when he calms down, he may go back to rememering all the awesome we had, how everything just worked and flowed and connected, apart from this incident, we were as awesome as could be, totally connected. I have a phone consult with a relationship counsellor tonight to work on why I blew up like that, so if nothing else, I don't do it if I get that close to someone again.

 

Thanks for the feedback

[offplanet]

If he could be put off so much by that incident, maybe to him the relationship wasnt as awesome as it was to you. I don't think it's ever much use to try and talk someone into staying with you if they have clearly informed you that they no longer want to be with you. You have to accept his decision. Anything else will only irritate him and drive hiim further away. You have apologized, so leave it at that, because any more apologies just amount to 'grovelling'. He knows his own mind, presumably. Don't do anything more. If he's so hard hearted towards your behaviour, maybe that shows that you are not well matched, because some other similar incident could have occurred in the future. 'Water finds its own level'.