i think i'm getting better then i find out nothing has changed....

[dan10]

so lately i've been thinking that things were getting better for me. i got some friends, i had stuff to do, u know the stuff that a miserable person wants to do... well up until today i thought that things were getting better, that i was changing as a person and growing and my life was getting better. but then i got a txt from an ex interest of mine and i found out that just a few txts back and forth put me right back where i was before and i hate it. i have no coping mechanisms other then to just go numb and block out all emotion.

 

how do i grow and change so that i am not angry and depressed all the time when it appears like the reasons for me being that way are all external forces that are very difficult to control so they dont make me that way?

 

i think this is why i was always let out of the mental hospitals i've been so quickly. i go in for major depression and suicide and then when the stimuli that are making me that way are gone all of a sudden there is nothing wrong with me and the psychiatrist cant think of a reason to keep me. anyone been stuck in this rut before and know how to get out of it?

[punk76]

grow a pair and realize that your well being is very much in your control, and not in the hands of external forces. if you are not capable, then i urge you to continue with professional help, the internet can not help you.

[punk76]

ok that was mean. try harder at empathy or some * * * * .

[wheelerdealer]

Hang in there man. Maybe try and realize that even though you feel at this very moment you went back to that place, it wont last forever. You still have the stuff to do and the friends. The work you put in to get to that better place doesn't vanish because of a conversation, regardless of the person. It doesn't lose value even though you've had communication with the ex. I would try and recognize that talking with her brought you pain, and you maybe aren't ready to have any communication yet.

 

how do i grow and change so that i am not angry and depressed all the time when it appears like the reasons for me being that way are all external forces that are very difficult to control so they dont make me that way?

 

Not just "difficult to control" they're impossible to control. This is a quote I read right before reading ur post.

 

"People ultimately do what they want to do. They feel how they want to feel (or how they're feeling); they think what they want to think; they do the things they believe they need to do; and they will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn't matter if they're wrong and we're right. It doesn't matter if they're hurting themselves. It doesn't matter that we could help them if only they'd listen and cooperate with us. It doesn't matter." -" codependency no more" Mealody Beattie

 

You can only be responsible for you. You can't let other people dictate your emotions.

[dan10]

ok that was mean. try harder at empathy or some * * * * .

actually to be honest i prefer when people are honest and blunt with me. it is easier to understand because i dont have to try and read between the lines to find out what they are trying to say while sugar coating it. so thank you

 

 

its not my well being. its my emotional state. and being angry and depressed arent the only emotions i pick up because of my surroundings. if i am like at work very early in the morning and everyone around me is tired and slugging along i become super hyper and happy for no reason that i can tell. and it happens predictably too so its not just a coincidence or something.

 

i guess i know how i can fix it by just deciding to make it so i dont have to be around the stimuli that cause those emotions. but that messes things up with other friends that i dont want to have problems with.

[dan10]

Hang in there man. Maybe try and realize that even though you feel at this very moment you went back to that place, it wont last forever. You still have the stuff to do and the friends. The work you put in to get to that better place doesn't vanish because of a conversation, regardless of the person. It doesn't lose value even though you've had communication with the ex. I would try and recognize that talking with her brought you pain, and you maybe aren't ready to have any communication yet.

 

ex interest. i liked her and then she had sex with my friend. but it isnt just her specifically there are lots of things that trigger me changing my emotions. like spending to much time with my mother, or hanging out with people who cant use logic. those things just put me in a very bad mood. and its not even like i have to see them or something. i can just feel the vibe

[im_the_undead]

you're 20

you're young and fragile.

you have much more conflict within yourself and worldly pain to encounter before you realize that

not even half of it is worth the cluttered thoughts of hopelessness in your head.

change what you can (yourself, your outlook), accept the things you cannot change, and go from there.

as you grow, things that mattered yesterday will lose importance, and you'll finally find a sense of peace.

you're not crazy, you just see the world for what it is and wish it weren't...

don't lose hope in the good things, but lose interest in the mess..

[punk76]

you are too damn pragmatic, lighten up. you got * * * * ed over by some hooker and are coping by cutting off all emotion to yourself. not worth it, youll stroke.

[dan10]

you're 20

you're young and fragile.

you have much more conflict within yourself and worldly pain to encounter before you realize that

not even half of it is worth the cluttered thoughts of hopelessness in your head.

change what you can (yourself, your outlook), accept the things you cannot change, and go from there.

as you grow, things that mattered yesterday will lose importance, and you'll finally find a sense of peace.

you're not crazy, you just see the world for what it is and wish it weren't...

don't lose hope in the good things, but lose interest in the mess..

 

i cant do that. you are right, i do see the world for what it is (i think) but when i was little i took all those things my parents told me to heart. be honest, do good things, if you set your mind to it you can accomplish anything. all those things that parents tell their kids but really dont mean, they just say it because they think it is the right thing to say i listened to and despite what i have learned about the reasons i was told that i still believe them. when i was in rehab it was based around the 12 steps of AA so like 5 times a day we were saying the serenity prayer "god give me the strength to accept the things i cannot change the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference" no offense to AA mean here but that is a load of crap. i can change anything if i work hard enough at it and am willing to accept the consequences afterwards. so far i'm just to lazy though.

 

you are too damn pragmatic, lighten up. you got * * * * ed over by some hooker and are coping by cutting off all emotion to yourself. not worth it, youll stroke.

 

i shut down my emotion long looooooong before i was interested in girls. it has been years. and i mean like 12 years since i started shutting them down. at that point i was getting crapped on by the world every day and there was nothing i could do about it because i was in 3rd grade and could still be overpowered by either of my parents and my teachers, so telling my teachers to f off and walk away from the bad situations was not really an option. so instead of allowing myself to fall apart and become completely crazy and unstable and become a serial killer i started shutting myself off to the world so that all the crap that was happening every day at school and all the oppression that i was getting could not effect me.

 

no dumb girl has enough hold over me right now to get me to shut down my emotions. this one was just bringing them out when we talked and i didnt like it because they werent the emotions i wanted to feel.

 

and ya i am pragmatic but what can i say... i'm a philosopher by choice and thats how i do

[im_the_undead]

accepting that some people are always going to dislike me or try to hurt me, no matter how hard i try to be kind or convince them otherwise, has really helped me to just live my life. i shrug my shoulders, say "f it", and don't look back. it's worked better for me than sitting there contemplating what the hell went wrong, wondering "what if?", playing different scenarios out in my head of things that could have been done differently to maybe have prevented the bad situation... bla bla bla...

sitting there and doing all that crap, giving myself a hard time and a brain cramp, will never change the present situation... which is..... some people are just selfish douches and don't consider others. they have free will, they don't have to......... now it's my will to say "f it... i'm moving on." and i do. i forgive them.. mostly for myself, but i don't let myself go back to that dark place.

 

like with my ex.. who dumped me because i called him out for cheating on me.... i started off giving myself hell wondering wth did i do wrong.. but i stopped caring and he started to care too much.. i eventually became indifferent to him regardless of what he did or said... and now i'm A-O-K

[dan10]

i like playing out scenarios and figuring out what went wrong. if i did something wrong then i can change it if i have a similar situation next time. thats how we learn from our mistakes. but if they do something wrong then i do say f it.

 

like in the case of this girl. she may have been wrong for what she did and i didnt do anything at that time. but i still did something wrong by not just cutting off communication with her after the first 3 times i asked her to stop. so now i know that to avoid how i felt when she txted me in the future i just need to not keep myself in situations that will promote that kind of response from me. i'd never learn if i didnt sit there and think about it afterwards.

 

but i also sit there and think about it when things go perfectly. i try to figure out what exactly i did right and where i could have screwed up so i dont make a mistake the next time.