I thought I was healed... but I just changed

[mb1]

I posted here about 4 months ago saying my GF of 2 years left me out of nowhere. The first 3 months were really tough, filled with anxiety, depression, and fear of being alone. I was spending a lot of time with a good friend of mine who was aware of the situation and was very supportive. Eventually about 2 weeks passed where I could say again that I was experiencing more happy moments than sad. And then BAM, I was introduced to this girl who just moved here from out of town and is related to me by marriage. She has a 1 year old son, and lives with her mom. We instantly hit it off and are now into our second month of dating.

 

The problem is that while im extremely happy when things are going well, I realized all the negative feelings I had after the break up did not disappear. I just channeled them into this relationship. While I no longer really think about my last girlfriend, I am obsessing over this one. I over analyse every word, every sms, and every action. If anything is off, i immediately slip into a period of depression until I deem it to be right again. I never used to be this way. I am terrified of making the wrong move, I am terrified of her leaving me, I am just plain terrified and I cant control my feelings no matter how much logic I apply. I realize I entered into this thing was too soon, I should have taken a lot more time to learn to be happy with myself again, but alas here I am and it's too late to back out. I know that at this point I am my own worst enemy. That these thoughts in my head will drive me to do something stupid and ruin it all.

 

I think it's prime time for me to see a therapist...

[Imprimatur]

Ha! I am just starting light coffee dates again, worried about the same problems. One friend told me to do it anyway because if the new relationship screws up, at least I won't be thinking about the last one. Not sound advice!

 

I am no expert, but perhaps there is a way to explain *some* of that to the new love interest so she understands. I don't think I would say "hey, I am not over my ex"..but maybe something about how much your last split hurt, you really care about her (new girl) so you are being cautious about not making the same mistakes.

 

Maybe ending it now is an option if you can't ccome to terms with it? that way you won't hurt anyone else,..althouugh I would be more likely to try the first option before I killed the relationship.

 

I learned that NOT talking is generally worse that speaking up.

 

My two cents.

[Stormcap]

Hey mb1, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I do think 3 months was too early after a 2yr relationship. You transferred your feelings for your ex to the new one, and now you have this mix of feelings. Could you talk honestly to your new gf about this? How do you think she would take it? I've learned now that the only way out of grief after a breakup is through it, and getting into a relationship (especially a serious one) early after a breakup is a bad idea. It can work, but you have to be honest with the new person, and the new person has to be able to accept where you are at.

[mb1]

I think you guys are right. I should probably be open about this, and let her know that whatever strangeness she sences out of me is probably due to me trying to figure things out. I suppose my biggest fear right now is committing myself fully and getting hurt. So I commit, then pull back, rinse, repeat. And that does not cultivate a healthy relationship.