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Me and this girl were FWB for around 9 months. Everything started off so passionately I just kind of went with it and never established our relationship. I feel FWB devalues what we had, but if you ask anyone in their right minds, that’s what they’ll say we were. I also don’t feel entitled to call her my girlfriend because I was never man enough to formalize things between her and I, and she probably wouldn’t have allowed it either. As a matter of fact, it would have probably pushed her away.


Everything felt so right with her but she had this sort of unofficial rule of no emotions to be expressed because that was “sentimental bs” she wanted nothing to do with. There were no “I love yous”, no “I need yous”, no “I miss yous”; you get the picture. Regardless, our behaviors screamed these words, and as you know, to many people, actions speak louder than words. She always wanted to be around me and left no room for us to miss each other, she was very affectionate, would always initiate sex, we were unofficially exclusive, etc. She thought all of the “relationship stuff was tacky”, cheesy, and if done too much it lost value. So all this time I was with her I was scared to express my feelings for her, and I think she was just too afraid to get close to anyone at all because of her past (dad abandonment, abused, etc.).


We were both 18 at the time so right now it probably means more than it should but I sincerely wanted to make it work between us. I could have married her. We never had a fight; we were always together and happy. And she’s just beautiful, words can’t describe it. The fact we never had a fight probably built tension between us to the point sometimes you could feel she wasn’t saying everything that was on her mind. It’s like neither of us wanted to complain about what we felt because we weren’t “together” together, but I let it go.


When she broke up with me, I understood her decision and we kind of had a “mutual” agreement to no longer seeing each other. I agreed mostly because she really seemed like she lost it and I didn’t wanna put her through more. Again, it always felt like she wasn’t saying a whole lot to me and her reasons were somewhat valid. We spent too much time together during our relationship because we were both in high school and actually had time. But once we got to college (different ones) and started working, we both drifted away and our schedules were really busy. We usually had to leave something undone to meet, we had to drive a long distance to see each other, that whole deal. Her mother always put a lot of pressure for her to get things done, and for her to risk this time was truly a sacrifice. I myself was kind of sick of not being able to be with her, always having to choose, etc.


It’s been about a year now, and nothing really fills the void. I’m enjoying my time in college with other girls but it’s not quite the same. The chemistry just isn’t there. They’re not as beautiful, not as funny, not as smart, nowhere near as passionate, not as her. I always try not comparing them to her, but it seems nearly impossible now. It’s like trying to settle for fake gold once you’ve had the real thing.


I. Don’t. Know. How. To. Move. On. Yes, I have done full and complete NC. Yes, I've improved. Yes, I've dated other girls.

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