how long to wait?

[girlwaiting]

Let me begin by saying that my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years, are in love, and want to get married. Here's where it gets complicated. There was a time when my boyfriend was younger that his father left and did not support the family. Despite his father being back and supporting his family now, my boyfriend will not compromise on the fact that certain things need to be financially set with him before getting married and starting our life. I understand that but it is getting hard. I have waited patiently and stood by him (long-distance relationship) through 3 years of law school. He took the Bar last year after graduation and failed by a few points. I would sure he would pass in February and he failed again by a few points. He was very confident going into the bar for the 3rd time this past July, but I am not going to get my hopes up even though I know how hard he studied. Results come out in November and I am fearful of what to do if he does not pass. I love him but we are still doing the long distance thing (he lives and works an hourly legal position about 2 1/2 hours away). I want to get married, have kids, and start out life together. How long is too long to wait? I understand that he wants things in place, but our lives have been on hold for so long. I want us to start our lives together and for him to let me be there for him no matter what the test results are. However, I know he will never move forward with me until he passes the exam and gets a job in which he can support me (despite the fact that I have my master's degree and a good paying job). If he fails the exam, he cannot take the test again until February and results won't come out until May. I don't know if I can keep my sanity with these circumstances for that long. I love him but how long is too long? What could a compromise be? Am I just being impatient. I never thought this long distance relationship would last so long. We both thought we would be together by now. Thinking about doing this another year or more, I'm not sure I can emotionally take it. I tell him this and he just says that this is the way it is and we have to be patient, it will work out eventually.

[OptomisticGirl]

3 years is a good while to do LDR when the only reason you are in a LDR is because one of you hasn't passed something. Idk. The answer is however long you are willing to wait. You can tell him there will never be a perfect time to get married - as there will never be a perfect time to have kids - but if these are goals he has set to reach before marriage, all you can do is wait.

[DN]

What are your ages?

 

Remember if you break up with him to find someone else to marry that process could (and perhaps should) take even longer than if you were to wait until he is ready. You would have to get over this relationship, find someone else, know that you wanted to marry him and vice-versa and then wait for a proposal.

[girlwaiting]

I am 26, he just turned 27.

 

It's hard because I don't think I could walk away, and it would definitely take me a long time to 'get over' him. I just don't want to start having feelings of anger towards him because we are not moving forward with the relationship. I've known my boyfriend for 8 years, since I was a freshman in college. We started dating my junior year and he graduated a few months after we started dating. Our whole relationship has pretty much been long-distance, however, it has worked for us. We used that time to really build the foundation of our relationship. It's that fact that I feel my whole life is on hold, like I am just waiting for him. My friends have all gotten married and have children. People keep asking when I am ever going to marry my boyfriend. It's just hard emotionally. I cry way too much. I just want a date which he refuses to give me. That 'if things aren't "perfect" by this time, them we will just start our life together'. This lack of a time frame is what is so hard. He knows this but he says there is no way he can give me any time line because he is not sure if he will be able to commit to it. He said he would rather have me end out hating him than lose respect for him because he is not financially secure. I guess all I really can do is wait, however, hearing from others is always helpful.

[DN]

I know this sounds like an ultimatum but sometimes they are necessary. I would tell him that you need to make your own plans for the future and that includes marriage and children - unless he can give you some sort of reasonable timeline you re going to have make a decision.

[feenyx]

I'm not going to get married until I'm at least 28, and kids? Children are a huge responsibility and we refuse to think about them until all our debt is paid off. With the way things are going, we might (emphasis on MIGHT) have children when I'm 32 and he's 37. People might call that "late" but we'd rather do that than be financially screwed. Children aren't a necessity for our happiness. The in-laws would be ecstatic but we have control on this, and I'd rather have a planned baby than an unplanned one.

 

You probably heard this before but you are young (we're the same age). Take good care of yourself-take the best care of yourself. Marriage will turn your life around 180. We know this because we were both married before, no kids, so we're not in a rush to that point the second time around. And kids? I wouldn't be able to comprehend until it happens. If it happens.

 

Take things one day at a time so you can truly cherish it. Enjoy his company. Enjoy your time. I thought like you with my ex...I wanted to get on the marriage train so badly with him because we were together for so long and it was time to plan the next step; but he never talked about how we'd manage things to get there. We broke up and I didn't worry about finding love, marriage, and children after that. I thought I'd be single until I was 28 or 30 and then start over from there. But loving myself was the best thing I did. I eventually found someone who was older than I usually dated (5 years) and I was apparently the youngest he's dated too.

 

I have a friend that was widowed at 28. She is 32 now and going to get married next year. I believe the older you get, the more you know about yourself and what you want in a relationship, so it's easier to get married within a couple months of being 28 than having a LTR at 22 and getting married.

[girlwaiting]

thank you for all your responses. They really are helpful!

[abitbroken]

I think we as women get tied up in a timeline. We think about months and years. And ticking clocks. Men sometimes think in terms of when an event happens, when they feel a certain thing, etc. He does not want to repeat what happened with his father. He wants to be there for a wife and potential children 100% and he feels he can best provide for them by completing his education, which includes passing the bar exam. If he does not pass the bar exam again, then you might have to wait for him to have a Plan B. I am sorry, but feeling like you are financially stable is sooo important if that is what he feels he needs to be. And if you have a master's he might be the type of guy who feels inadequate if his wife was able to achieve her goal and he wasn't able to hack it with his to be an equal provider. If you push him and he is not ready, you are headed towards disaster. I would just wait for the results, but in the meantime, live your lives as though he passed and talk about getting together - not necessarily getting married yet but moving in the direction of either you moving closer or him having a slightly longer commute but not living with eachother. Or making plans to that end. Then, if he doesn't pass, you can work on Plan B. But remember this is NOT about you. It is his want to be a good provider and it is his want to be someone who can finish and achieve what he started.