Is there Lust without Love?

[Deciduous]

Hi guys,

 

Is it possible to experience Lust without Love? Does it even exist?

 

Unexpectedly, I have found myself in a major "lust" relationship. I don't feel it goes any deeper than this. But I'm still surprised to find myself in this situation. I've always been the big romantic.

 

But these definitely aren't romantic feelings on my side. I know when I'm in love and this ain't it. It's more like a weird "crack" addiction. I can't make sense of it. This isn't me at all. It's like major lust without all the frills of love. What the he]] is that? I seem to be getting off on the fact that he's so chronically wrong for me.

 

Anyway he is single and I am single. He's been my flatmate for two years and has made various "lewd/romantic overtures" to me. Sleazy! I would always roll my eyes. I always thought he was a player. I some-what accepted those parameters when I got into this situation one week ago.

 

Now I'm beginning to wonder if I'm the douche-bag in the room. Am I being unfair to him? Am I behaving badly by enjoying the ridiculous situation? And why I'm I sneaking around exactly?

 

I don't know. I ended a relationship at the start of August. I'm still friends with the ex, who has moved on admirably. It is done for him, although I ended it. He was my best friend and probably still is. It was more of an emotional connection and not much physical.

 

That's why I don't know where this new me has come from. Am I hurting this new guy? He's 30. I always thought he lived and breathed sex in a very superficial way. But with me, there is always a long talk about performance anxiety afterwards from him. What the hell? The performance was amazing. Where is this coming from? What should I say? Why is he worried about his performance?

 

For me? I'm happy with the situation but I don't want to hurt any-one. I'm not quite sure how to take all of this.

 

Deci

[Seraphim]

Yes, I totally believe there is lust with no love whatsoever.

[22n32]

Sure there is...

 

most of the time lust just dies out.. and sometimes lust turns into love.. thats the best...

[Forget Myself]

Yes I've had relationships that were just lust, and I didn't even have any romantic thoughts about them. But I also usually ended up hurting the other person, because eventually they start to get attached. Just like it sounds like he is doing, he obviously has you on a pedestal if he is having performance anxiety with you, especially when you say he seems so confident in his sexuality, and now suddenly he is embarrassed about it? He probably wants to impress you and feels beneath you somehow. Just do yourself a favor and be honest about it. Don't lead him on, or pretend that he won't get attached and you won't either. Honesty is your best friend in these situations.

[Deciduous]

Hi 22n32 and Victoria66

 

Cheers. It was a relief to read your replies. It's no biggie. This isn't some abnormal or rare phenomenon. Although it's never happened to me before.

 

I will bear your advice in mind 'Forget Myself'. I don't feel am getting attached. I just know too much about him. We don't hang out, because we have nothing to talk about.

 

Maybe you are right about the performance anxiety thing. That's why I wanted a male point of view. But apart from that I wouldn't say he's getting attached. He doesn't ask questions about me or anything.

 

I thought we were enjoying a light affair, but he always seems unhappy/annoyed afterwards & then the Performance anxiety talks. Whereas, I'm in a happy mood and enjoy it for what it is. Why on earth isn't he happy? I'd have thought the no-strings situation would be a dream come true. It's what he's been hinting at for two years and for two years I knocked him back in no uncertain terms. So why the moodiness?

 

He did very causually mention he had Sunday off and we might hang out if I wanted. But that conversation got lost in the shuffle and I assumed he was being gallant. It was a very throw-away comment. Thought he was trying to behave decently, which I appreciated but I was happy to drop it. Any-way I don't stay over in his room. I don't stick around. I always felt this is by mutal agreement.

 

This would be disasterous if it developed into a relationship. There is no mental or emotional connection. Yet I would hate to think he is having a crappy time during our "affair". Why isn't he enjoying himself? He makes all the running. It makes me happy for now. He's from a different culture which isn't big on touchy feelie talks, which is why I hesitate to ask him too many questions. I don't want to rock the boat.

 

Arrrggghhh! I thought this would all be so simple. Should I be calling it off at this stage?

 

Deci xxx

[froggyday]

Yes, there most definitely is lust without love!

[april15]

Just be honest with him. If this thing is just physical, let him know you are loving the sex but are not looking for it to become anything more than that.

[Day_Walker]

Yes, there is lust without love, the two are two separate emotions. These situations definitely have an expiration date, so just aware of that. If you can enjoy what is currently going on and are not expecting more then have fun with it. The situation is complicated by the fact that he is your flatmate. I suspect that the situation will change drastically if either of you start mentioning other people.

[Deciduous]

These situations definitely have an expiration date, so just aware of that. If you can enjoy what is currently going on and are not expecting more then have fun with it. The situation is complicated by the fact that he is your flatmate. I suspect that the situation will change drastically if either of you start mentioning other people.

 

And there lies the reality check. You're probably right - and it will end in an uneasy sh**-storm sooner rather than later. Maybe the lesson learnt is, "if anything, (in the realm of human relationships,) looks straightforward, uncomplicated and simple - then I ain't looking hard enough."

 

Pants

[Forget Myself]

I thought we were enjoying a light affair, but he always seems unhappy/annoyed afterwards & then the Performance anxiety talks. Whereas, I'm in a happy mood and enjoy it for what it is. Why on earth isn't he happy? I'd have thought the no-strings situation would be a dream come true. It's what he's been hinting at for two years and for two years I knocked him back in no uncertain terms. So why the moodiness?

 

He did very causually mention he had Sunday off and we might hang out if I wanted. But that conversation got lost in the shuffle and I assumed he was being gallant. It was a very throw-away comment.

 

Sounds like he might just have confidence and self image issues. A lot of people like that make 'throw away comments' but there really is much more truth in them than they are willing to admit.

 

"If anything, (in the realm of human relationships,) looks straightforward, uncomplicated and simple - then I ain't looking hard enough." -omg that quote is dead on! I could have used that so many times in the past. A lot of people could I imagine. I see this happen a lot where people start on a path that seems so uncomplicated and easy and simple and nice, and then all the sudden it's not simple anymore, it's quite complicated, and every involved is messed up. Don't want to scare you by any means, but it might be better to stop sooner than later, especially with your flatmate.

[hrtlsngl7]

Yes, and lust can turn to luv. BEWARE!!!!!!!!

[engraved2008]

why cannot lust turn into love ??? I d say it can.....unless the other person has a terrible personality and is good just in bed.

[Deciduous]

Yes, and lust can turn to luv. BEWARE!!!!!!!!

 

How prophetic, hrtlsng,

 

At 7pm, I scoffed at your reply. At 9pm he told me he loved me. He was quite sure. Had been sure for a long time.

 

How is it that I have been living with a stranger for two years?

 

We talked about the parameters of FWB before we got into it. Clearly and frankly. Long and hard. No misunderstandings. It was his idea. I thought he was being a typical young guy. "What ya saving it for? Your lonely. I'm lonely. It's no biggie. We don't have to get married" His very words. He was so very relaxed, cocky and confident. Plus I'm 43 and he is 30ish. I imagined he would be looking to move on and have children, a family etc. I was feeling lost at the end of my relationship at the start of August.

 

And I was so hell bent on protecting myself as a fragile little lady, so busy working out how a lady handles an FWB with dignity. What a bunch of crap. I have over-looked the obvious. It didn't even occur. I didn't have an inkling.

 

But it gets worse. He asked me bang in the middle of sex, Do you luv me or do you just love my ****. We were still physically connected, if you know what I mean. And I lied. I wasn't thinking straight. I was off on that floaty cloud of O. He then confessed his feelings. He also reiterated them afterwards. He's had feelings for about two years. He deliberately made his lewd/crude comments to put me off the scent and irritate the bejesus out of me. He thought I looked down on him and it got him pi**ed. He mentioned things I'd done over the 2 years, clothes I'd worn, conversations we'd had. (I didn't think we spoke) He'd noticed every-thing.

 

I don't know how to stop this train. He never did me any harm. Although, technically he did lie to get me into bed. But then you might say that I lied to make him stay in it. I do not know how to get off. I think FWB is a bunch of crap. I don't know how to stop him from being hurt.

 

Deci

[meoww]

I think sometimes men with low esteem pull out the love card to try to manipulate you. I don't know about this particular man but I've been in FWB where I had no feelings for the other party only to have them turn it around on me because they didn't like how little I had invested in the relationship.

 

Just bringing this up because this guy has made really lewd remarks to you and isn't acting the way a person normally does when they are in love. The fact that you're not in love with him might be hurting his ego.

 

I also think it's possible to lust with love. I usually lust for people I would never be in a relationship with--because they don't meet my standards in other areas of their personality.

[Forget Myself]

I knew this was coming. Look don't believe anything he is saying. This guy obviously has issues that need to be resolved, he sounds unhealthy to be honest. If he 'loved' you for two years then he would have done something. And for him to bring up things you've done over the years, that is on the verge of being creepy. It almost sounds like something he has been plotting, or scheming in his head, and now it's all coming out.

 

Don't worry about hurting him, he is only hurting himself, as long as you are honest. Just be honest and try to let the situation go, as calm and as emotionless as possible. If he asks you manipulative things like that about feelings again, just do not respond, change the subject. Questions like that are a lose, lose and it will only make the situation worse. You said it yourself you lied, but you wouldn't have needed to lie in the first place if the question was never asked. He overstepped the boundaries, and you were trying to be nice. Do not ever do that, that only makes things worse trust me. This is not a FWB situation anymore, this is a weak person trying to manipulate you into some reality of his. Be careful not to fall into his traps.

[Deciduous]

Look don't believe anything he is saying. This guy obviously has issues that need to be resolved, he sounds unhealthy to be honest.

 

Yes it's all too weird, to be honest. Nothing he says makes an awful lot of sense. Time to cut it off. Just hoping there is no major fall-out within the house.

[Forget Myself]

I'm wishing you the best, hope it all works out. Keep us posted on how it goes

[mylolita]

Hey Deci!

 

My best friends been in similar situations but on the other side of it where she has gone and developed feelings for the guy she was only supposed to be having a bit of fun with.

 

To me, it sounds like he genuinely likes you. Why the concern over how it was for you or how you feel about it? He sounds nervous around you when you describe him as normally being confident - to me, a true sign of him being genuinely interested!

 

Guys can sometimes keep deeper feelings hidden. In this situation, he may not want to spill the beans for fear that he knows you won't feel the same, then he'll lose the possibility and hope of a relationship, but your sexy times too

 

I know it may be hard, but maybe consider putting yourself in his shoe's. If he does like you, would you want someone who suspects this carry on with an affair when they think there might be a chance of you getting hurt?

 

It sounds to me as if you have doubts whether this is 'just sex' For me, it sounds like he likes you. Have that talk!

 

Love,

 

Lola x

[mylolita]

Totally missed all these other threads, oops!

 

Okay he's madly in love with you! Good luck breaking it off!

 

x

[Deciduous]

I think sometimes men with low esteem pull out the love card to try to manipulate you. I don't know about this particular man but I've been in FWB where I had no feelings for the other party only to have them turn it around on me because they didn't like how little I had invested in the relationship.

 

Just bringing this up because this guy has made really lewd remarks to you and isn't acting the way a person normally does when they are in love. The fact that you're not in love with him might be hurting his ego.

 

I also think it's possible to lust without love. I usually lust for people I would never be in a relationship with--because they don't meet my standards in other areas of their personality.

 

Hi mylolita,

 

Actually this all ended over a year ago, but I should have posted a follow up. It turned out that "meoww" was absolutely and completely spot on. ^^^^. Like she was reading his mind.

 

Basically he said whatever was needed to keep the booty calls going. That really was an amazing fib to tell some-one. Turns out this wasn't the first time he'd used this line. I think his policy was "all is fair in lust and sex." There was also an ego thing going on and I think he was very insulted that I didn't fall in love.

 

But, hey, I went there. I take full responsibility. Even so, he was so dodgy that even I have to smile in amazement, when I look back. Craziness.

 

As it happened I met some-one else in November 2011 and stopped this relationship. As the "Lust mist" cleared I could see things a lot more clearly. And it wasn't pretty. There was a morality chip missing or something. I've never met any-one like it. I'm so relived I didn't hang around.

 

Unconsciously, it became an ego thing for me too - if I am brutally honest with myself. "I don' love this person but I am insulted they don't have feelings for me." How can that be healthy???

 

After my experience I do not believe FWB's can function in a way that is healthy for very long. Either one person is desperately in love and desperately hurt by the others indifference. Or neither are in love and desperately insulted. FWB's can't seem to remain in an emotionally balanced space for very long.

 

And the answer to my original question is YES. There is lust without love, even for me, ( a romantic female) but it gives you an icky feeling after a while. At some point it starts feeling cheap and meaningless. Or maybe that's just me. Never again though.

 

Lesson learnt.

 

Deci

[ConservativeM]

Lust is physical need where as love is emotional need. It is quite possible to access the lust without love. In the young age when maturity is not enough,the lust use to be more weight than love.

 

All depends upon the need of hour. Some time physical need takes over the emotional need and sometimes emotional need takes over the physical need.

 

In the short term relationship, the lust is main driving force. You are the right person to judge the situation and you may access the feeling in rights way. I think this confusion is arising because of age gap. Mature people believe in love where as for beginners, it may be more biased towards lust.

 

For the third person, i think is is difficult answer in correct manner. You must be knowing how you and your partner is perceiving the relationship. Any decision can not be concluded just based on some little known facts. it is purely lust if it is driven by the physical attraction. you must find out the forces behind the bonding between you.

[Deciduous]

I'm not sure you've read my last post!

[ConservativeM]

I'm not sure you've read my last post!

 

yes, i have not read your last post. i could read your first post only. let me read your latest post. i was thinking not to be biased by other's opinion.

[Deciduous]

yes, i have not read your last post. i could read your first post only. let me read your latest post. i was thinking not to be biased by other's opinion.

 

Hi ConservativeM,

 

The original poster often gives additional information throughout the thread, - which is critical to understanding what the issue is - so it really is important to read threads thoroughly so that you are getting the full story.

 

Kind Regards

 

Deci