Jump to content

The shoe's on the other foot: NC as the dumper


Recommended Posts

I originally came to these boards earlier this year after I'd been rejected, and went through the whole NC process as the dumpee.

 

Now, I find myself back again, 9 months later, in the role of dumper this time. And once again, I'm thinking I'll probably need to go full NC for at least a few months to get right with myself.

 

Long story short: became involved with a guy who was newly out of a long marriage, long distance scenario. We met, we got together a few times a month for romantic weekends, we bonded. As I started to develop a pretty strong attachment, I decided to screw up the courage to ask about exclusivity.

 

Well...turns out he wants to go the non-exclusive route, indefinitely. "Polyamory" was mentioned by him for the first time since we'd begun dating. This was our first serious What Are We Doing talk, and while I knew he was in a transitional phase post-marriage, I didn't realize he was into that lifestyle. I'm very much not into it.

 

So, I broke things off, no fuss or finger-pointing, just told him I now see we want very different things, and wished him well.

 

He would like to remain friends. I can't do it right now.

 

Am I being a jerk to want to go full NC? I mean, I'm the one who called it off.

 

I think he's genuinely a bit stunned that I'm not wanting to have a long talk about things, work it out so we can be friends, and all that. To me, that just sounds like recipe for pain.

 

I'd appreciate any thoughts you have. Thanks!

Link to comment

I'm also the "dumper" and I initiated the NC. It's just easier on us both this way, I think/feel. I doubt he would respond anyway if I did try to contact him, so almost seems pointless. He hasn't tried to contact me either. I think space is the best thing for us. He knew it was coming, as we broke up once before (for a week) in April, but then got back together and the issues hadn't been worked on/fixed.

 

You definitely are not being a jerk. If you know you need to distance yourself, then so be it. That's how I feel.

Link to comment

Thanks for the replies, you guys.

 

purrbaby, I think it's easier on both parties, too, but I'm wondering if I owe him some sort of closure talk? He hasn't asked for it, but he did ask if we could be friends, and I haven't replied. The hurt part of me just wants to go NC without having to say anything more to him. What would you do?

 

One thing that's now bugging me: in hindsight, breaking up via email wasn't very big of me. I'd emailed to ask if we could set up a time to talk on the phone to discuss things, but we ended up getting into the discussion right then and there in the email exchange. When he dropped the polyamory bomb, I just knew I wanted it OVER right then and there, and didn't want to have any sort of discussion about it on the phone. I wanted to get out, and protect myself from more hurt.

 

The thing is, he and I never talk on the phone. We're much more email / IM types (I hate talking on the phone, and he's kind of the same). So it's more our comfortable, default way of communicating.

 

But still, I keep reading how breaking up via email is really cowardly, so I'm feeling weird about it now. At the time, it seemed fine to do...

 

Oh, well.

Link to comment

Thanks, 1guygirl. He stated that he was clear about the non-exclusive thing in his online profile, but he absolutely wasn't. And in our 8 months of correspondence, including 4 months of actual dating, it was never mentioned.

 

The little I know about polyamory, I do know that open communication is a mantra for those folks. The one time I gave it a try with a different guy, that guy was EXTREMELY upfront about it, and made it very very clear in his profile (and in his communications with me), so I knew exactly what I was getting into. Turns out it wasn't for me, but I don't fault that guy at all -- I'm just not cut out for it. And based on that experience, I would never knowingly enter into a relationship with someone who was. So, obviously, I wouldn't have gotten intimate with the latest dude if I'd known he was so into it.

 

I think you're right: ending things, even via unclassy email format, did do us both a favor. Now he can go chase unicorns and I can focus on finding someone who wants the same thing as me.

 

Lesson learned: ask uncomfortable questions up front, just to be extra sure everyone is on the same page!

Link to comment

Hi Twitch, you did absolutely the right thing and in this case, under these circumstances, you were totally right to do it via email. You are definitely NOT being a jerk for wanting exclusiveness. I don't believe you owe him a closure talk. I believe NC would be the best for you, and I'm sure you will meet someone else in the not too distant future.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Update:

 

Oh, for Pete's sake. You know how people here say that it's uncanny how once you are starting to feel "over" an ex you've been NC with, they magically pop back into your life?

 

After two weeks of no contact, and me taking care of myself and moving on, post-breakup, I get an email from the guy. And it was textbook: "Hi, how are you, blah blah blah". Nothing of substance, not one mention or hint of ANYTHING to do with our relationship or breakup...just the type of email he would've sent 8 months ago when we were just casually corresponding.

 

It didn't trigger any huge rush of emotions, or any real desire to want to reconnect, but it made me feel a little off-center. Like, what do I do now? Ignore it altogether? Wait a few days, and respond politely but impersonally? Wait a few days, and then tell him to leave me be?

 

I can't decide. What would you guys do?

 

For now, I'm inclined to let it be, and do nothing. If he wants to have a REAL conversation, he can ask for it, and I'll decide at that time.

Link to comment

Oooh, good point. Ok, that set my head straight. Thanks, 1guygirl.

 

I know now from his dating profile that he met up with at least one woman, and probably right after the first time we got fully intimate. How? Because she and he posted those stupid "award" things on each other's profiles (this is on okcupid) not long after he and I had our first big weekend together. UGH!

 

Yet, in all our email convos, and IM sessions, where we talked about "everything" in our daily lives, he never mentioned any dates? So much for openness and honesty.

 

NC all the way, baby. :star:

Link to comment
Oooh, good point. Ok, that set my head straight. Thanks, 1guygirl.

 

I know now from his dating profile that he met up with at least one woman, and probably right after the first time we got fully intimate. How? Because she and he posted those stupid "award" things on each other's profiles (this is on okcupid) not long after he and I had our first big weekend together. UGH!

 

Yet, in all our email convos, and IM sessions, where we talked about "everything" in our daily lives, he never mentioned any dates? So much for openness and honesty.

 

NC all the way, baby.

 

exactly lass...you owe him nowt

 

polygammy or whatever it is, is known as an 'open relationship' and as you state, its been anything but.

 

hes testing you, so yeah, remind him you dont want to keep in touch and shut the door.

 

x

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...