I don't think I'll ever understand

[xStitches]

How can my ex have changed so much? For almost four years, he was always talking about how lucky he was to have found me. He said that even though it was cheesy, he thought we were soul mates. He said he wished that he had never dated another girl because it was a waste of his time. He said that someday, when we were both old, he wanted to be able to say he had never spent a day apart from the woman he loved. He said that he was so happy to have found me when he did. The day before we broke up, he woke me up at 2 am because he couldn't wait until morning to tell me how much he loved me.

 

Now it is so different. He says that he doesn't want to be tied down. He said we met when he was too young and he needs to experience life. He said that he needs to date a lot of different girls to figure out who he really wants to settle down with. He said that he'll never come back to me because he just doesn't see us growing old together. He kept saying never, never, never and then keeps calling me to hang out.

 

How can someone change so much so quickly? Even during the breakup, he insists that he loves me and will never love anyone again as much as he loved me. Is this just some phase he's going through? Will he regret this and come back?

 

I don't understand. I did everything right.

 

Sorry, I'm just hurting.

[puppetted]

If you tried your best and you listened to him and gave him everything he needed (respectfully) then don't blame yourself. He sounds flighty--the sudden (so sudden!) change of heart seems to cheapen the affection he claimed before, from what I read. You have no way of knowing if he actually meant what he said when it switches around so fast. He could have a personality disorder.

 

Whatever the case is, this is really harsh on you. Usually people give it some time to decide if breaking up is the right option or if they can work through problems. It sounds as if he was fine one day and decided he was done the next, for no given reason other than he wanted to date other people.

 

I'm not trying to sound cruel here, and I know you're hurt, but you should probably block this person out of your life (go no-contact) so that you can heal. This doesn't sound like your fault in the least. Please don't blame yourself.

[xStitches]

When he broke up, he said it was because he had too many problems and he was using me as an escape from them. He said he didn't plan to date at all, just wanted to focus on growing up. That was four months ago. Then, he kept calling. We were sleeping together, he was very affectionate, cried about missing me, said the die a of being with someone else made him sick, etc.

 

Last weekend, he asked if I thought it meant we were getting back together. I said I did think that because I could tell he loved me. He said it didn't matter if he loved me, we were only going to be friends. He said there was no chance because we had 'had our time.' Then he said he wanted to start dating, couldn't be tied down, and eventually he would marry someone else. I told him that I didn't want to be friends and see him with other girls. My friend said he only said that to hurt me so I would lose hope.

 

He called again a few days later so I told him to please not contact me again. He kept saying he was sorry, I was special, he'd never love anyone like me again. He said to call him when I'm ready to be friends because he misses me.

 

I'm in hell.

[stevef20]

I'm soooo very sorry you're hurting sweet heart, I feel your pain and send hugzzzz from me.

 

Steve x

[learning2relax]

XS - I just posted a response in your thread in Getting Back Together forum.

 

I truly truly understand where you are. It is so damn painful. There are things you can take from this and learn from. Right now, you have to allow yourself to grieve. Please, for your own sake, don't respond to him if he reaches out to you. Just focus on what you need to do to accept that the relationship is over.

 

Once you get far enough down your own path through the process of grieving and mourning, you might be able to see the lessons and positive things you can take away from this experience. You can't fathom what in the world they would be or how it would be possible to have anything positive through this pain you are experiencing. But trust me, be kind to yourself, have patience with yourself and if you are open to it, the silver lining will reveal itself to you in time. Right now, just take care of your hurt. Hugs.....

[puppetted]

Oh my...I'm so sorry that he treated you this way. It really sounds as if he is happy to know how you feel, but only for egotistical reasons. That is, he wants to know you still love him because it's comforting and makes him feel good about himself, yet he's willing to tell you he doesn't have any intention of trying with you in the same breath. I know you love him, but it sounds like he is acting very very selfishly here. I'm sure you want more from a partner than that! Did he even tell you he loved you back when you had this conversation?

 

You strong, awesome person, standing up for your own good despite how hard it is. You deserve applause! NC is agony. I feel really proud of you for having the strength to do this and stick with it!

 

He should understand how this hurts you and be respectful of your feelings, and no contact (in my opinion) is best. I would even say, if he apologizes and wants you back, you really...shouldn't...go back to him ever, knowing it's so easily thrown away for him. I know that sounds mean, but I think your well-being deserves top priority .

 

Feel free to keep writing here if it helps you. Writing has always helped me when I am depressed, stressed, or down for any reason. Diaries, journals, anything.

[MK9]

He changed his mind. So therefore, whatever he said before can be taken as a grain of salt. Now he says he love you, but doesn't want to be with you or going to marry you. Therefore, he's a lair because if he loves you then he would want to be with you and marry you.

 

 

Move on. Don't try to understand him or help him understand himself, he will infect you with confusion and drag you down. Sounds to me like unnecessary drama and self inflicted pain on his part due to folly. Run away, flee as far as you can. I know I sound cold. Yes, sometimes when people are confused and in trouble they deserve help and understanding due to circumstances. However, this unnecessary drama came from folly on his part. And, yes, you care about him and want to figure things out. But the more you try to understand him or help him, he will drag you down. You may think you're trying to save a drowning man, but he will infect you and drag you with him into pool of sorrow, pain, and confusion.

[Smile12]

It sounds like he got cold feet. Either that, or he's just a jerk. Either way - you deserve better.

[xStitches]

I agree that he is horribly confused, and have already removed him from my life. I just wish I could get over the feeling that you can't trust anyone. I mean, he was an amazing boyfriend. He was supportive, a great friend, and always tried hard to make up for liitle mistakes. I feel like he has to have actually lost his mind to behave in such a bizarre way. Cold feet might well be it, since we had always talked about getting married once I finished school this year. He broke up with me a few minutes after I tried on my cap and gown for him.

[Forget Myself]

My ex said almost exactly the same thing you are describing. And I thought the same things; she was so great and she must have actually lost her mind to be doing this. I went NC and it has made all the difference. Stop worrying about what he is thinking or why, it will only poison you like everyone here has said. Just believe that you deserve better, and this guy doesn't cut it. She did the same thing to me right after we started looking at places together. Maybe it's cold feet, maybe it's fear. Who knows, it's all weak in my opinion. You deserve someone strong who knows that they want you.

[Voguester]

I just know personally, if I love someone and I want to be with them then why would I break up with them? It just doesn't make sense. I just wonder if this is the same for everyone, both men and women...if a guy is really into a girl then he's going to want to talk to her as much as he's able to and try to be with her...right?

Breakups are so horrible and especially when you're the dumpee. I could not be friends with someone who broke up with me as much as I could try, it would be too painful and I wouldn't be able to move on.

[xStitches]

I don't think love is always enough. I know my ex still loves me, but he didn't mature with our relationship. I believe that our breakup happened because he really wanted that future together, but consistently failed to make it happen. At some point he decided breaking up would be less painful than continuing to be in pain. Now that we aren't together, he's found out otherwise.

 

And I can't blame him. He did what he thought was necessary. He believes he is saving me from a lifetime of disappointment. My response to him when we broke up? "You thought this was the only option, but you'll realize there was another one: to work with me and a counselor to accomplish your goals. That is what partners do." Sadly, he couldn't overcome the bad information about relationships that he got from his upbringing.

[Forget Myself]

you're right about that. If your partner just can't get on the same page then it won't really last that long, or be completely satisfying for you. You have a better understanding of relationships and what you want, don't be afraid to go get it.

[xStitches]

Believe me, I would love to move on and find someone to share my life with. Hell, I'm would kill to have company. Right now, having someone sit with me to watch a movie would be heaven. But I'm alone and I have been since the breakup. I have no family. My girlfriends are snuggled in for the weekend with their boyfriends. My guy friends... I don't want to lead someone on. I can't see myself with any of them, and I know some of them have feelings for me. I'd rather not take advantage of that.

[Forget Myself]

Believe me, I would love to move on and find someone to share my life with. Hell, I'm would kill to have company. Right now, having someone sit with me to watch a movie would be heaven. But I'm alone and I have been since the breakup. I have no family. My girlfriends are snuggled in for the weekend with their boyfriends. My guy friends... I don't want to lead someone on. I can't see myself with any of them, and I know some of them have feelings for me. I'd rather not take advantage of that.

 

Wish my ex was as solid as you. All she does is lead on her guy friends that have feelings for her. She lives off the attention. I can't stand it, such an incredible turn off for me when girls do that kind of stuff. I really respect you for saying that. I now have faith in women again.

[xStitches]

Thanks. Sadly, it's a difficult lesson for most people to learn. In high school, I had a guy who led me on for almost three years - showing up every time he broke up with a girl and disappearing as soon as he met someone else. It seems crazy now that I let it go on for so long, but, at the time, I had become convinced that it was because there was something wrong with me. When I finally figured it out, I was just disgusted with him. Even though it's been years, he still tries to ask me out a few times a year. I just ignore him.

 

Update:

Yesterday, I got a text from a friend of my ex asking me to check my front porch. Immediately, I began to dread what I might find - a garbage bag full of my things, for example. Instead, I found a little can of pepper spray. A few days ago, after getting assaulted walking to my car, I posted in the NC challenge thread that I was angry with my ex because he promised he would always be there to protect me. I guess he must have found out from people what had happened. We do live in a pretty small town.

 

I wish I could tell him thank you, but I'm keeping NC.

[MarnDark]

Stitches. My ex-gf did the same to me. Loved me endlessly, told me that she would marry me. The day that she broke up with me told me she loved me, called me her cutie pie. Came over later and ended it. There are people like them and people like us. We could never understand why they suddenly wanted out and they will never understand the pain we have to deal with now. One day they might realize the pain we are going through, but for them, they still need to learn how to grow the * * * * up.

[xStitches]

We ran into each other around town yesterday, and he ducked his head to avoid making eye contact. I know he's just doing what I asked him to - no contact - but it still made everything hurt fresh all over again.

 

I have to be honest about something. I'm so depressed that I can hardly go to work or prepare for my classes. I wake up absolutely exhausted from nightmares about my ex. I force myself to go out with people, but I can't enjoy anything we do. I've been on anti-depressants for three months without any change. I'm spending a fortune on therapy that doesn't help me at all.

 

My ex and I were more than a couple. We were best friends, and he was my only family. Even after the break up, we tried to stay best friends but kept slipping back into couple behavior. The idea that I've lost my best friend forever is harder than the original breakup. If I thought I could handle seeing him with another girl, I would end NC right now. I have to believe that he'll come back for another chance someday. I can't even force myself to keep going without that hope.

 

I'm not looking for advice. I just needed to admit that. All of my friends think I should be over it by now.

[MarnDark]

I'm so sorry Stitches. I feel the same about a lot of things you said. I'm just starting this process and am so afraid of the effect it will have on my schoolwork. I miss the companionship more than anything. If I could have someone put up with my complaints 24/7 I'd feel so much better. It's such a dreadful feeling that you are the only person that has to put with up this pain. Even worse the pain could only be instantly healed by the ex coming back, but it will not happen.

 

Today I woke up sweating. Dreamt about my ex, I can't remember what happened, but she was there. I couldn't go back to sleep. I looked at my phone, no one tells me good morning anymore. I am forced to face the reality of another day without her. I'm am so close to contacting her. I just want to see her name on my phone again. I thought I was stronger that this but I don't think I am anymore, I find myself getting more confused everyday.

 

Before I went to sleep I wondered if she was thinking about me. I wished her goodnight, even though she wouldn't hear it. I imagined her doing the same. I miss her so much.

[xStitches]

I hope you get some decent sleep tonight.

 

I'm going to tell you something that is going to sound completely unfathomable at first. It hurts worse when they call. I got a text in the middle of class today - "if you're feeling up to it, can you give me a all sometime? I know you need your space and understand if you don't want to. Just if you feel like you can."

 

What am I supposed to do with that? If I call and all he wants to talk about is something he forgot at my place, I'll be back to square one. It hasn't even been a week of NC! He just left Poe pets ray on my porch two nights ago! He's confusing me so badly. What if he wants to talk about getting back together and I don't call?

[MarnDark]

Wow. That is weird. I would fold like a chair if my ex wanted me to call her... But I suggest you stay strong.

 

I think my ex is respecting my space though. She texted me good morning once post breakup, it actually made my day, that was before I made it more clear that I needed time before I talked to her again or could be her friend. I wish she would do it again despite what I told her. I watch my phone like a hawk, alas she has always been stubborn and I doubt she would feed me any breadcrumbs. I'm hopeless it seems.

 

I really wish for decent sleep as well! Well, since I have no else to say it to, I guess I'll say it to you. Goodnight.

[xStitches]

Thanks for the goodnight! It's one of the things that I miss.

 

I won't lie - I really want to call him and find out what he wanted.

[mhowe]

And if you call and all he says was "I was wondering how you are doing"?......welcome back to square one. He said call if you want to --- don't. He's not allowing you to heal, and he's not respecting your wishes...he's is just fishing. Don't crumble.

[xStitches]

Which is why I haven't called. I know that if I really want him back, he needs to learn that being in a relationship wasn't tying him down. The only way he can learn that is by experiencing being single without any safety net.

 

Still, I care about him, and it hurts me to not be there for him. Even after the break up, he was there for me. He's a good guy who just needs a reality check about taking things for granted.

[mhowe]

Good --- your head seems clear on this. A lot of people have the mistaken impression that a relationship is constricting. If so, then they haven't been in a good relationship. A good relationship is liberating!