When u were looking for a soulmate....

[midnightdeirdre]

I'm about to be 27 in a month. I didn't have my first bf until I was 17, and that only lasted 3.5 months. I dated casually after that, but didn't have a serious bf until I was 20. We were together for about 4 years with a break in between, then ended for good last year. (But it was looong overdue.) That relationship had commitment, but no real romance or genuine happiness.

 

About 2 months ago I got out of a 10-month relationship. Things were going great, but then some serious issues came up that meant we had to end. (We still chat occasionally but we are not a couple.) Thing is, I was so happy with him; he made me realize how important it is to have love, commitment, and romance in your life.

 

Now that I'm single again, I really don't like it. I've been single for more than 70% of my life. Mainly because my parents didn't allow me to date in junior high, and then when I got up to the high school I didn't want to date because most of the boys at my school were too immature for the kind of relationship I hoped to have. (The bf I had at 17 would go weeks and weeks without calling me; he also stood me up twice.) The bf I had at 20 was a nice guy, but he was a lazy bum. We also didn't have much in common, except our highly-sensitive personalities.

 

My cousin Josh married his wife Dianna about 2 years ago. They are great people, but I admit I'm actually kind of jealous of Dianna. She's 32, and is currently taking college courses. I graduated from college in Jan 2008, and I'm starting a new job this week. (The only real reason I went to college was because my parents made me, and everyone and their great-grandmother preached about how education is everything. Even in elementary school, my parents made no two ways about it -- I was going to college after high school, no ifs, ands, or buts about it.) I guess I'm jealous of Dianna because she got love and a great life without having to deal with the pressure of going to college beforehand. (Why couldn't I have that, you know?) And ironically, I've been hearing that degrees don't guarantee you a job these days like they used to in the past. (Hey, I've been in-between jobs since I graduated!) I am very proud that I earned a Bachelors, don't get me wrong. I guess I just needed to vent about this.

 

As you can see, I haven't been too lucky in the love department. And no, don't tell me "there's plenty of time for all of that." People said that when I was 16. So sorry, that excuse isn't going to work 10 years later. (Or 20 years later, or 30 years later, or...)

 

I've been saying some affirmations about finding my perfect soulmate, and reading a lot of the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" books on the subject. Both are helping me feel a lot better, which is nice.

 

I've heard people say, "Don't look for love, let it find you." But I don't wanna be waiting too long. As I said above, I guess I just needed to vent, but I'd also like to hear feedback on how others found their soulmates.

 

Did love indeed find you, or were you at least keeping an eye out for it? Thanks for reading & look forward to any feedback!

[LaKings55]

Do you really need another person in your life just to feel happy? Take care of your self first. Get the career in order, and everything else. Then, worry about finding permanent love

[midnightdeirdre]

Do you really need another person in your life just to feel happy? Take care of your self first. Get the career in order, and everything else. Then, worry about finding permanent love

 

That's good advice, but it does kind of fall under the "There's plenty of time for all of that" excuse I mentioned. But yes, I am excited for my new job. It's just my ex made me realize what fun I was missing by not having a great bf for most of my life.

[quantumst8]

I'm still waiting. But what can we do, right?

[LaKings55]

So are you implying that if you somehow don't magically find a husband in the near future, you're used/damaged goods? What if you end up dying alone? No kids? If you never find another guy to date, are you somehow a failure? I'm not trying to sound cruel, or demean love and "soulmates," but you're coming off as a little desperate to have someone in your life.

[LaKings55]

I also hope you realize that as the Western world has become more career oriented, the age for marriage has gone up. Men, in general, aren't expected to marry until their 30's nowadays, and marriage rates have also been going down dramatically, as well as birth rates. Many European nations in fact, have negative populations each year and have resorted to tax incentives to encourage people to have children. Italy and Russia come to mind. If the world continues as thus, I suspect most people will view marriage negatively. Plus, divorce rates are ridiculous. Seems people already treat divorce like break-ups and a lot of people marry with the mindset "oh, if it doesn't work out, I can just get a divorce." I look at my sisters. One just married a couple years ago at age 31, had a kid at 33. My other sister is 26, and while people have constantly called her "gorgeous," she has only dated 3 guys since high school, and is just now starting to look for a serious relationship.

[midnightdeirdre]

I know, I know, 50% of marriages today end in divorce. Parents of autistic children seem to be main reason behind that high statistic. (And no, I don't want kids. I hate them.) Very true, the country is more career-orietated now that it ever was. My grandmother married at 25. "I was an old maid!" she told us. (Nowadays, we view that as too young!)

 

As I said, I've longed for love, and I finally got some genuine happiness with it. But now it's gone, and it made me realize what I was truly missing all these years. So I'm sorry, but I do want some genuine love. I see it all the time with others. I guess because I never took a real chance with it growing up, I missed out on so much.

[midnightdeirdre]

I'm still waiting. But what can we do, right?

 

Well, there's dating websites. One of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books talked of finding their true love through a personal ad. Self-help guru Cheryl Richardson also found her husband that way.

 

I have joined link removed, but haven't had the chance to pay for a membership. (To join is free, but to actually contact people you have to pay.)

[king6]

I used to feel the same way, Im 27 now, only had 1 relationship that was 6yrs, got a kid now and no luck even getting a decent date. I felt I wanted to share all those feelings with a girl again..to have fun, explore, adventure, make memories.. Then I realised.. I just wanted some good friends, and that seems to be all you can really count on anymore.

 

I havent seen any relationship yet thats lasted the test of time.. I dont believe in true love and all that anymore.

[midnightdeirdre]

I truly am helping myself; I just needed to vent. Thanks for responses!

[midnightdeirdre]

I used to feel the same way, Im 27 now, only had 1 relationship that was 6yrs, got a kid now and no luck even getting a decent date. I felt I wanted to share all those feelings with a girl again..to have fun, explore, adventure, make memories.. Then I realised.. I just wanted some good friends, and that seems to be all you can really count on anymore.

 

I havent seen any relationship yet thats lasted the test of time.. I dont believe in true love and all that anymore.

 

OH...that's a shame. I hope you find some hope & happiness. Maybe you should get some counseling as well.

[Fudgie]

I got rejected from eHarmony a while ago, LOL. It's worth a try.

 

I say it's best that you got your education done BEFORE you settled down. It's just easier that way. You also get the college experience, good or bad. It does change you as a person. Diana missed out on that because she probably lives at home and commutes to school.

 

I think you should take a little time to get settled into your new job (do you think it will be permanent) and then start to think about dating once you are settled in there.

[midnightdeirdre]

I got rejected from eHarmony a while ago, LOL. It's worth a try.

 

I say it's best that you got your education done BEFORE you settled down. It's just easier that way. You also get the college experience, good or bad. It does change you as a person. Diana missed out on that because she probably lives at home and commutes to school.

 

I think you should take a little time to get settled into your new job (do you think it will be permanent) and then start to think about dating once you are settled in there.

 

I did ask my boss at the interview how long the position will be, and she said it's permanent. As I said, I am very proud and relived that I got a degree, don't get me wrong. I just needed to vent; like I said, I was pressured into going to college and getting a degree, and I've been in-between jobs for awhile. But Dianna got a job and true love, without getting pressured into getting a degree first. (As far as I know, she wasn't pressured. If she was she didn't let it bother her!)

 

Also, why were you rejected from eHarmony?

[elcie]

Hi Autumnrose,

 

Your post brings back SO many memories of the way I felt when I was your age. My love life was terrible and I despaired that I would never find a soulmate. So many people are in the same situation. And for women, there's that biological time clock ticking to make the situation seem worse.

 

I had reached the conclusion that I would just have to accept that I would never find anyone and concentrate on being as happy as I could be as a single woman, when I finally met my soon-to-be husband. It was just simple luck that I changed jobs and he was one of my new co-workers.

 

So the only advice I can give you is to find happiness in whatever your situation is and not wait for another person to bring you happiness. Even when you find your soulmate, it's not 'happily ever after'. There are always going to be hassles, problems and worries.

 

You cannot control when you will met someone, so put your energy into what you can control and fill your life with the things that DO make you happy independent of being part of a couple.

 

And I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling the way you do. Most people want to be with someone and it's scary to feel that our future happiness depends on luck and circumstance. The only thing you can do is to optimize your opportunities to meet someone and look at your present situation with a 'glass half full' attitude.

 

Best wishes, elcie

[Lavender25]

Diana probably has a lot of inner turmoil that you don't know about.

[midnightdeirdre]

Diana probably has a lot of inner turmoil that you don't know about.

 

Very true; I'm sure she's not perfect. (She's probably feeling pressure from herself to finish college courses & get a degree.) So I am very lucky that I got my degree when I did. (But AGAIN, I've always been proud & grateful that I earned a degree. I never meant to imply that I wasn't.)

[Lavender25]

I feel the same way as you do, Autumn, and whenever I start to feel that way I try and think about all of the things I get to do and experience that people in relationships don't. A lot of my friends are now in long term relationships, are just getting married, and some are even having babies. My only long term relationship broke up over two years ago and it's been a string of short-term guys since then (about 4 months each). At first I wasn't too bummed about it because they weren't guys that I was in love with, but I did fall for the last one. Now all I can do is compare my life to everyone else's. However, I also know that out of most of the people I went to high school with, a lot of them didn't go to college and will never leave our home town. I just got my Bachelor's in Biology and I'm planning a big move to Seattle. I'll get to grow as a person, meet new people, and experience tons that those married losers won't

[Fudgie]

Autumn,

 

I filled out everything and they told me that they had no matches for me and told me to look elsewhere.

[FathomFear]

Well, I'll be 32 in less than a month and have yet go on my first date. No matter how bad your particular situation might seem it's all relative in the end. Every time I think I have it bad I just imagine how much worse it could be and how lucky I really am to live in a developed country with access to shelter and food, etc. That might seem cheesy but it helps me.

 

In regards to one of the points you made, though, I must say that I wouldn't lament about getting your degree early. Based on experiences my friends have had (along with posts I've seen on forums like this one) people who enter long term relationships and then pursue a degree in their late 20s or early 30s have their fair share of problems, as the stress of getting the degree often affects the relationship--less time together and so on. And then there's the fact that many people meet their partners while pursuing their education. Generally speaking I'd say it's far more preferable to get it earlier rather than later.

 

Finally, the fact that you use the term "perfect soulmate" is a bit disconcerting. Don't let the drive for perfection cloud your approach. Here's a good clip on the subject:

[Fudgie]

The real issue is when you're married with children, it's much harder to get that degree. It's harder to put the time and energy into your classes. With college, when you're young and not saddled with children, you have a lot more time. Definitely be glad that you got that degree early.

[FathomFear]

Autumn,

 

I filled out everything and they told me that they had no matches for me and told me to look elsewhere.

 

I generally advise my straight friends to avoid eHarmony because the owner is a complete homophobe, lol. To this day the site does not support same-sex lookups. They only opened a new site for that ("Compatible Partners") because there were lawsuits.

[Fudgie]

I generally advise my straight friends to avoid eHarmony because the owner is a complete homophobe, lol. To this day the site does not support same-sex lookups. They only opened a new site for that ("Compatible Partners") because there were lawsuits.

 

I saw that only after I had tried to join. I will not use them again.

 

I think the reason why they didn't match me up was because I was looking for someone who didn't exist in the eHarm universe. How kind of them to let me know. I've been laughing at their commercials now "Yeah, you'll match everyone up but me!"

[midnightdeirdre]

I saw that only after I had tried to join. I will not use them again.

 

I think the reason why they didn't match me up was because I was looking for someone who didn't exist in the eHarm universe. How kind of them to let me know. I've been laughing at their commercials now "Yeah, you'll match everyone up but me!"

 

Who were you looking for that "didn't exist"? Also, are you bi, Fudgie? If you don't mind my asking. O

[lavenderdove]

You can waste your life wishing for things you don't have, or envying things other people have. There will ALWAYS be someone richer, smarter, more successful, prettier, more in love, better possessions etc.

 

So you are missing the root of your problem, which is passively envying what other people have and not recognizing that what you've been granted now is TIME and you can do anything you want with that time. What a waste it is to sit around envying other people and listing the things you DON'T have rather than all the possibilities out there, and being angry at doing things you didn't want to do that you say other people 'made' you do....but did they hold a gun to you head, no! It was your choice, and you are taking a very 'outside yourself' attitude that someone else controls your or fate will grant you a soulmate (or not) or you'll never have what was 'granted' to someone else like the woman you envy.

 

But most likely she WORKED for what she has and made smart choices to get there. Success is a combination of positive attitude, good decisions, and a little luck. But note that most of that success is the person taking active responsibility for making sure they do things and make positive, active choices to get what they want rather than expected it to drop in their laps. A famous saying goes something like the difference between winners and losers is that the winners keep getting up no matter how many times they get knocked down.

 

So you need to first stop feeling sorry for yourself or envious of others or blaming others for sending you down a road you didn't want to go on or the universe not granting you your special wishes. You are in control of your life, and need to stop being passive or expecting others to hand you things or fix things or make good decisions for you when you should be making choices for yourself.

 

So sit down and write down things you enjoy doing and things you have always wanted to do. Make the list at least 100 things, even if it if hard to come up with them. Write down things you *might* be interested in even if you are not sure whether they will be fun or not. Then start doing them. Set goals to achieve them, then break them down into the sub goals it will take to get there.

 

If you take the line of least resistance and spend your time worrying/blaming/envying, the course is usually DOWN rather than up. So pull yourself up and out of that hole by taking responsibility for ensuring your own happiness. If you start getting out and doing a lot of things, you WILL start meeting people who are interested in the same things you are, and that is how you might find someone. Or start actively doing online dating and don't take any one guy seriously. Date each of them for 3 or 4 dates (unless they totally turn you off on the first date), and if you don't click, don't feel sorry for yourself, just say, oh well, it takes work to find the good things and life, so it is time to keep looking. And just keep at it.

 

I'm sorry, i know you probably want sympathy, but sympathy won't make you feel better or solve your tendency to feel sorry for yourself and envy other people. Self pity and envy NEVER made anyone happy, so just stop it, and don't tolerate it in yourself. If you find yourself in a funk, get out your list of 100 things and start doing one of them. I guarantee by the time time you get to the end of your list you will be much happier. You are making a common mistake which is that finding a BF will automatically make you happy, but usually if you have that attitude, it can quickly harpoon the relationship because the guy won't like to feel like you are a sad little puppy dog and it is his job to be responsible for your happiness. It is YOUR job to do things that make yourself happy and pull you out of a rut, so start getting to it!

 

btw, college is never a waste... it is 4 years you didn't have to spend working at some crappy minimum wage job, and saved you from working another 50 years working a minimum wage job either because you would have had no education or marketable skills if you hadn't gone to college. The job market is tough, but it is tough for EVERYBODY no matter their age, and a whole lot tougher for those who have no skills or education. So quit resenting a gift... really, you need to adjust your attitude and recognize that you do have to WORK for things of value rather than just having some perfect Prince Charming drop in your life and rain down stars and hearts and flowers on you all day while you never desire another thing. With your current attitude, even if you find a good guy, you will eventually be unhappy for some other reason or he will dump you because you are clinging to him and expecting him to fix your life and demanding he provide you with happiness all the time rather than finding your own way in life.

[tommytoxen]

I didn't believe in soulmates, or true love. After my ex fiancee cheated on me, I stayed single for 6 years. I'm 29 now, and this November will be my girlfriend's & I first year anniversary, and I'm buying her an egagement ring for her birthday. I'm proud to say that I was proven wrong, after 6 years of being full of hatred and bitterness, this amazing girl came waltzing into my life out of nowhere, and changed everything. I can say that, now, I do believe in soulmates, and true love, I've never felt anything before like I do for her. So just proves to show, that it's never too late, and don't worry about it.

 

If you try too hard, you'll push it away. Relax, take it easy. It was only when I'd given up and wouldn't even LOOK at women anymore (not without a feeling of hatred, anyway), that I'd finally found true love in a girl that was so persistent, and so determined to change my mind about women and fix my heart, she just wouldn't give up, no matter how many times I tried to push her away, distance myself, she was there, clinging on, and found the key to my heart. And now, I'll spend the rest of my life paying her back, loving her and taking care of her. Like she did me.

 

I know it's frustrating, and I know it's lonely. But, you really WILL find it, when you least expect it.