NC pushes dumper farther away?

[fashionista2]

hi!

 

ok so I have had NC with my ex for the 2.5 months we have been broken up (he was the dumper)

 

throughout the 6 years we were together we broke up for a week or so a few times and every time, i came running/crying/begging back.

 

this time, i kept my cool and have had NC besides a few texts about logistics about moving out.. in which i replied pleasently. (i moved out right away)

 

Now I thought this would work well for my healing, and also to make him realize what hes missing (he broke up for the classic grass is greener syndrome) but I was just speaking with a friend and she said he is probably upset that i could just "forget" about him this quickly and it is probably reinforcing that he made the right decision!!! I didnt really look at it that way... i figured "distance makes the heart grow fonder" to some extent.

 

would love to hear some other opinions! thanks! :star:

[Airbag]

He is not going to forget about you in 3 months when he's been with you for 6 years. He probably just needs some time to figure it all out.

[Thorshammer]

So, he breaks up with you, you run back... and its gravy? Does he do this because of insecurity or control (which is still insecurity)? That doesnt sound like a fun 6 years. Take some of the power back, or dont take anything at all.

 

He either moves on and so do you, or he comes back and realizes he cant keep pushing the door closed and open all the time like if he ran the city. Both look like better options than to keep staying in a relationship that seems to be breaking at the seams.

 

I know with my ex, i tried to walk out and she stopped me and cried, and it ripped me in half. I never did that again, that put a hole in my heart too. Look for a guy that doesnt want to keep pushing you away, those are the ones worth staying 6 years in.

[lemsip]

If he dumped you then it's not your job to get in contact with him - it's his job to get in contact with you...

[fashionista2]

thanks for the responses

 

over the years we have both been the dumper-- but always for the same reason-- his commitment issues/ his grass is greener syndrome. When I would break up with him it was to make a point... I never had wanted the relationship to end... but like i said these only lasted a week or so usually with me crying/begging.

 

The last of these small BU's was last summer. Until this apparently huge one 2.5 months ago, the one thing that gives me hope is that yeah we had minor problems in the relationship... but no major deal breakers...

[learning2relax]

Remember that friends can give you advice but unless they have been in your shoes, in the relationship, they really don't know. And perhaps if they have not gone through a long term relationship or breakup similar to yours, they don't have perspective and are giving their best guess.

 

As someone else said, he will not forget you easily. NC is not about getting him back. If you had a cyclical relationship where there were breakups and reconcilation throughout, it is best to spend a considerable amount of time on your own and learning how to be confident, self sufficient and love yourself alone. You have to find happiness in your life and enjoy it sans a relationship. That will make you the best and healthiest person to be in a relationship with where you will no longer compromise your health, happiness, values, etc....for a relationship because you are dependent on it to survive (or so is your perception).

 

I know you don't want to hear this but nothing but time and distance will allow you to realize this. You need more than a year at last. First, you have to grieve and mourn the ending of the relationship. Then, you need to get about getting to know you and love you. Then you need to take care of yourself and be happy and self sufficient emotionally.

 

Until then, you are only continuing a cycle where you never will realize the fullness in life and love that you deserve. Baby steps.....

[BrokenNYC]

Speaking from experience, he has not forgotten about you and you're doing the right thing staying NC. I broke up with my girl because of some issues with myself and "grass is greener" complex, but it took me over 3 months of NC from her to realize that, start changing and then finally let her know all this. He needs time to change and you need time to heal, so keep the NC up and I'm almost positive you'll get a text or call out of the blue from him sometime soon. But do make sure he's realized his faults, made proper changes and you really still want to be in a relationship with him - otherwise you'll be right where you started. Be patient, and good luck.

[somethingNew]

If you are begging, pleading, crying... you look like a loser, and he thinks that... trust me. You are on the up and up if you are ignoring him. I don't know the answer, but if you are not fawning over someone who OBVIOUSLY DITCHED YOU... then you you are on the right path. He abandoned you. Would you accept that from a parent, or a friend? Then why accept it from a boyfriend? Just saying. Choose to be abused, but ignore, and he may come back, but if not, the ball IS in your court. Not to mention you are the one with the balls.

[Thorshammer]

Someone with commitment issues and the grass is greener disease is a major issue, not a minor issue.

[fashionista2]

thanks everyone for your input.... I am definitely staying with NC, which may throw him for a loop because it is not my usual course of action... although this has been much longer and more serious (i moved out) than any of our other small breaks...

I know he has made some new friends and taken up the singles party scene-- so i hope this doesnt push him to forget about me faster.....

I understand that GIGS and commitment are huge issues but i feel like maybe with our time apart he will realize what he lost... i do feel that we really truly did have a STRONG emotional bond.

[fashionista2]

Speaking from experience, he has not forgotten about you and you're doing the right thing staying NC. I broke up with my girl because of some issues with myself and "grass is greener" complex, but it took me over 3 months of NC from her to realize that, start changing and then finally let her know all this. He needs time to change and you need time to heal, so keep the NC up and I'm almost positive you'll get a text or call out of the blue from him sometime soon. But do make sure he's realized his faults, made proper changes and you really still want to be in a relationship with him - otherwise you'll be right where you started. Be patient, and good luck.

 

what made you realize it? did you "live it up" so to speak when you were apart? (partying, random hook-ups etc)

[PaintWithLight]

thanks everyone for your input.... I am definitely staying with NC, which may throw him for a loop because it is not my usual course of action... although this has been much longer and more serious (i moved out) than any of our other small breaks...

I know he has made some new friends and taken up the singles party scene-- so i hope this doesnt push him to forget about me faster.....

I understand that GIGS and commitment are huge issues but i feel like maybe with our time apart he will realize what he lost... i do feel that we really truly did have a STRONG emotional bond.

 

Okay you really need NC and you need to do it right this time. All this talk about a strategy to make him miss you and not forget about you....NO! This is the time for you to get it right for YOURSELF. Take off the blinders and look super hard at the relationship. You have so many illusions! You have had an up and down history with multiple breakups where he decided other women were more desirable than you...and you say: we truly did have a strong emotional bond. What?

 

Take this NC time and really be honest with yourself. Look at your own insecurities and how they have been ruling your life. Look at him for the inconsistent and inconsiderate boyfriend he has been. Rather than he realizing what he has lost, how about you realizing what you deserve? A better guy who adores you. Instead of setting for some crumb who is not 100% committed to you but comes back to you time and again because you are easy pickings.

 

If he returns (again) this time, how will that fix anything? He has made it clear, he wants a different, better, hotter, sexier, funnier, more social, more confident woman. And you are sitting there hoping he will see the error of his ways. Why? He already has you pegged for a push over who will tolerate a huge amount of disrespect from him.

 

Believe me, there is a guy out there who will ADORE you. Will wake up every day and think of you. His favorite part of the day will be seeing you and kissing you hello in the morning. Don't you deserve this? Use NC to imagine what you deserve and it will manifest itself in your life. It will be painful to face the hard truth on how you have been allowing yourself to be treated but it will be life changing. I am pulling for you! Good luck!!!

[Forget Myself]

That was really well put. Great advice

[fashionista2]

this is really great advice... i will definitely take it to heart. thank you.

 

I know this whole BU cycle stems from his immaturity... i guess I was hoping that after being apart and truly losing me he would realize none of the little things/no one else matters and come running back telling me he made a huge mistake and we would live happily ever after.... guess that only happens in the movies!