Am i getting used?

[kristinski]

Hi! I am new and signed up because I'm having an issue with my boyfriend. The situation is odd and this post is long so I apologize in advance if that's tedious.

 

I just moved back to Chicago, I'd previously lived there for 4-5 years, and before I moved I talked to this guy online for about a month. We corresponded at least once every day and I was really excited to meet him -- with good reason. When I finally got into town I had the time of my life on our first date. We spent over 12 hours together wandering the city and eventually watched the sun rise by the lake. It was amazing.

 

Then the next day he tells me his roommate bailed on him, stealing his rent money and personal funds in the process. He says he's been wiped clean out and will either have to move home to Michigan or to NYC to live with a friend. He says he's really upset because he felt like we had an amazing connection.

 

So I tell him he can stay with me until he finds something here in the city that will work out for him. I was so upset with the thought that someone I'd met and really connected with for the first time in a long, long time would leave so suddenly, that was the only thing I could think of. I live in a beautiful condo owned by my parents (I pay full rent), but it's tiny -- its a studio, and really only fits one person.

 

It's been three months and he has not left, has no intention to leave. i feel married.

 

After living with my parents for quite a while recovering from a serious illness, I had hoped to be independent and have space and free time to myself to pursue my friendships, career, and just enjoy being a 25 year old woman in a world class city. He's here 24/7. In addition to both of us working from home as freelance writers/designers at the moment, he's agoraphobic and has severe anxiety and OCD -- he is afraid to leave the house. This would be fine if the house was more than one room, a hallway, and a bathroom. But he's literally in 6 - 10 foot proximity of me ALL DAY and night. He has very few friends and spends most of his time on the computer. I've told him a few times that he needs to look for a place of his own; that I really and truly care for him, but I don't want to live here with someone else. There's no space or privacy. He gets upset, threatens to kill himself for being a 'burden', and then does nothing.

 

He has not paid a single cent of the substantial rent, bills, or groceries. He has free internet, cable tv, washer/dryer, gym, and really nice amenities in a beautiful building. I am struggling in a major way to pay for all of this. He says he's completely broke.

 

I am trying to make the best of the situation. It is not ideal, but I do care for and love him. However, I feel like this man's security blanket, protecting him from the outside world. His neediness is absurd: he says he has no other reason to live than me, that I am everything to him. That all he wants in life is for us to be together. His need to cuddle moves into upwards of 8 hours a day. It's like we HAVE to be in physical contact at all times. I wish he would pursue his own dreams and aspirations -- I certainly plan to follow mine.

 

 

sorry if this is tmi:

 

In the past three months I have had to use emergency contraception 5 times because he refuses to use a condom and I cannot use hormonal birth control due to an illness. I cannot currently afford a non-hormonal IUD. I pay for the Plan B every time. I know the unprotected sex is horrible; it makes me feel trashy and stupid and it will eventually get me pregnant even though he does pull out. He is simply adamant about not using condoms, and says it is my fault for not having long term birth control.

 

The other thing is his massive collection of pornography. He has an entire hard drive filled with it, and about 20 folders on his laptop with about 200-300 images each. He has desktop folders where he obsessively hoards images of all the women he has slept with, and links to their FB pages, twitter, etc. Several of them have pornographic images of their own -- he's dated a few BDSM fetish models (I model sometimes myself, but not in an erotic context). So he's sitting here next to ME on his computer, staring at nude images of women he's slept with. I don't have a problem with pornography, and I understand guys like to look at dirty stuff, but when confronted about WHY he looks at ex gfs and WHY he needs porn when I have sex with him whenever/however he wants (at least once a day!) he just says: "If something on my computer bothers you I'll delete it. I only want to be with you." Great... but he keeps downloading.

 

I found this out by way of an ex gf (and fetish model) sending me an angry message on FB saying that he was dating both of us simultaneously and when he moved in with me he lied to her, saying he was actually moving out of town -- never mentioning a girlfriend and a new living situation. When I asked him about this he was not forthcoming but did eventually confess to lying. Though he also said there was never overlap, and that he immediately stopped seeing her. About 4 hours after this conversation with him, he started saying he felt suicidal. so THEN i had to spend another four hours laying on the floor with him, trying to convince him of my love.

 

Again, he threatens suicide when I confront him about any questionable or odd behavior, or when there is the threat of losing me. I think a lot of this childlike behaviour is residual, left over from a really abusive and chaotic childhood. He basically raised himself. I think girlfriends provide the stability and support he never had.

 

The thing is that he dotes on me. He won't pay bills but he'll buy me an expensive leather jacket that he saw me look at in a store (i never ask for and could care less about presents/material crap), he tells me constantly how happy I make him, he spends almost all day with me everyday, leaves me little notes around the house, does chores, tells me he adores me. There's just so much that doesn't make sense; when I think about the situation objectively I get angry because I feel I'm being taken advantage of, yet my heart turns to...he's such a wonderful and loving companion.

 

Just a lot of stuff seems to not be adding up. It's freaking me out. I feel like it's not healthy, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of...am I over-reacting?

 

 

thanks so much for reading this insanely long thing, and for any advice or opinions.

 

- k

[DylanNotorious]

Yes Kristin your being used big time.

 

I think you should ask him to leave your apartment. You will have to risk his threats of "suicide" - you will have to call his bluff.

 

You also have been a little bit brain-washed, which I think you should go and speak to someone about, once he has left your apartment.

[SpottiOtti]

It's freaking me out. I feel like it's not healthy, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of...

 

Hi Kristinski, welcome to ENA. The above statement is all you need to know. You feel that you are in an unhealthy relationship, you feel smothered, and you seem to be catching on to the "suicide card" he plays whenever you try to get serious about any issues that you have.

 

Stop questioning your perception. There is something off about this relationship, and you know it. He's played to your heartstrings right from the beginning, because he could sense that you are a good person. He took advantage of that. When I read his story about the roommate "stealing his money", etc., when you first met, I rolled my eyes. I could smell the con from Texas. And what did you do? You offered him a place to stay. Which is exactly what he was hoping for when he told you that whale of a story.

 

This guy is a con man, darlin. You need to get rid of him ASAP. I'm sorry.

[diamond78]

I'm going to be blunt, this guy sounds like a straight up nutcase.

 

How can he be afraid of of going outside when on your first date you spent 12 hours together wandering around the city and watching the sunset???

 

He is staying in your place, pays no bills, yet he is looking at naked photos of women he has slept with for you to see....and you've been having unprotected sex for 3 months with some guy who clearly has MAJOR issues. No way....I'm surprised you haven't changed the locks on him yet....I know I would.

 

This man is crazy and using women to get a free ride through life.

[Princess123]

He doesn't leave the house so that would make it hard to kick him out by leaving his things out and changing the locks.

I found this out by way of an ex gf (and fetish model) sending me an angry message on FB saying that he was dating both of us simultaneously and when he moved in with me he lied to her

 

I really hoped you got checked for STDS.

 

Guy sounds like a loser and user. He grosses me out entirely. You need to find a way to get him out, even if it means talking to a police officer about your situation. Maybe you can have someone present or even a family member present while you have the locks changed. While he packs up and leaves. He said he has someone he could stay with in NYC or elsewhere. Don't worry about him, if wanted to kill himself he done it by now.

 

You don't want to end up pregnant and have him stuck in your life FOREVER, do you? You need to put yourself first and this situation is not safe at all.

[puppetted]

Oh my goodness! Your instincts are correct! There's so much here that screams "GET AWAY FROM HIM". I cannot believe the way he treats you regarding the birth control. I cannot believe he won't look for a job / apartment etc... He's not broke if he buys you stuff. I tend to think the roommate thing was a story he came up with to take advantage of your kindness. Don't let this go on any longer! You sound like such a nice girl, trying to work through all of this...it's truly not worth it if you think of what you're losing / risking / all the stress you're probably under.

 

Free yourself while you're still young. Be that independent 25-year old you want to be. Do it for yourself. Time goes by so fast girl...

 

He won't kill himself. That's just his way of manipulating you. He sounds like a horrible, horrible person. I know you love him, but get yourself some space and time away from this guy and you'll more than likely feel relieved.

 

Thank you for posting, and please keep us updated on what you do. We won't judge you.

[Ariel85]

This was an utterly fascinating read. Wow.

 

OP - I agree with the others - this guy is a straight up con artist who preys on women. I don't believe the story of the roommate and him having his money stolen for a second. I bet he was sponging off some other girl, and sensing that well was about to dry up, he had to find another target.

 

I also agree with the poster who pointed out that this guy is not actually afraid to leave the house. He DID spend 12 hours walking around the city with you, didn't he? And he seemed to make it out of the house to buy you a leather jacket (no doubt stolen from someone, or somewhere).

 

As for the lack of condom thing, I think he does it for two reasons: 1-if he gets you pregnant and you keep the baby, then he can stay tethered to you for eternity, and continue to have you support him "in the interest of the child" of course, 2-he's a sociopath who could care less about your health and well-being. That much should be clear.

 

I would also proffer that he is busy working other women online as back-up options, since as a con, he would never NOT have alternatives, much as you were.

 

I'm not sure what advice you're really seeking, since you only seemed to want to know if you were over-reacting in being suspicious that he's using you, but you're intelligent enough to know that he is. I think you might be a little blind as to what a con artist and dangerous person he really is, however, but, that is how he continues to use you - he plays directly into your needs and trusting nature. I mean, very few women would invite a stranger they've known for 12 hours to move into their homes (I wouldn't even give someone my last name or phone number after 1 half a day - lol). That act of desperation and lack of judgment was like writing him a blank check into infiltrating your life.

 

What I would do is have your friends over to the house, confront him when they are there (for support) and make him pack his things and get out. I'd immediately change the locks, and be done with him. This man is not the sweet prince you think he is - he's a very sinister and shady character and personally, I'd be frightened to have him anywhere near me, let alone sleep in my bed. This man is a very real and serious threat to continue to do damage to your physical and emotional health, not to mention financial livelihood and potential safety.

[kristinski]

Hi Guys

 

Wow, thank you so much for these thoughtful responses. And for confirming my suspicions. i feel, after looking at my initial post, and thinking about the situation 'objectively', that i look very naive...honestly i just try to believe that people are inherently good, and i've just been trying to rationalize his behavior because i felt that i was stuck and had to 'deal with it' despite things being incredibly f-ed up. i am taking steps to get him out of my place, and this is something i have done before...he deflects by saying he feels 'horrible' about being an 'imposition' and that he plans on getting a job, etc. i think it's bull * * * * , and if he really loved me he would be willing to move out of my apartment since it is obviously causing so much distress.

 

i'm actually going to have my dad fly out if he's not gone in two weeks. i will be able to get a much better perspective on whether this is someone i actually want to spend time with if he isn't corrupting my space and spending all day and night with me.

 

the thing i'm struggling with, and which very much influences how i act, is whether he is 'conning' me, as some of you have stated above, or whether he's just very sick. i mentioned he had a very difficult childhood filled with abuse, and he struggles with depression, social anxiety, agoraphobia, and obsessive compulsive disorder. i think he has used girls in the past to compensate for the comfort/security he never had -- i'm just not sure the extent to which he is aware of his manipulative behavior, or if he's just NEEDY to the point of psychosis. he looks despicable on paper, but he's so very sweet in person, seems to worship me...it DISTRACTS me from what is actually going on.

 

anyway, thank you all so much. i really appreciate getting second opinions, and the unanimous decision that i'm being used is really motivating to get this person - first of all - out of my apartment. i'll keep you updated

 

 

love,

 

k

[puppetted]

So good to see you read all of the good advice here! As for your statement in bold, I honestly think (and this might come accross as rude to some, but stick with me) that regardless of fact A or B, that this is someone you should not have in your life right now. If he is sick, he should be in therapy, or at least trying. I don't see any effort at all on his part from what you've written. Being sick just doesn't account for how he treats you regarding the birth control or the other girl... It just sounds wayyyyy too suspicious and convenient to me. If your dad is anything like mine, he'll kick this guy to the curb if you haven't by then!

 

Be that independent, free young woman while you still have the chance! So many things happen to distract us as we get older. Best of luck to you, Kristin! Let us know what happens!

[Ariel85]

Kris - glad to hear your Dad is coming out, and you're takig steps to get this guy out of your life.

 

In the meantime, read up on codependency. It's very dangerous when you start making excuses for someone elses behavior, and rationalizing their abuse and mistreatment. I also think you're trying to view him as being better than he is, as it mitigates your own decisions in inviting a stranger into your home and supporting him for months. While he sits next to you looking at naked pics of former girlfriends. And lies to you about being agoraphobic. And being suicidal. And not being able to get a job. And disregarding your health and well-being by insisting on having unprotected sex. While you know that he was seeing someone else when he first moved in with you. And then you end up apologizing to him when you catch him cheating on you.

 

As Puppetted said - it's truly irrelevant if he's a straight up con man (which I'm certain he is as too much doesn't jive) or just pathological (which I think makes you feel better about things), because the end result is the same. You're not going to save him, and you're certainly not going to change him. I am more than certain when you kick him out, he'll move right in with someone else he has in the wings.

 

Have you told your family or friends anything about what's going on? I know if I told my Dad, he'd be on the next plane and would physically throw the guy out on the street. Then he'd put me in an inpatient program. lol

[FreedomRing]

Yep you're getting used..... I'm not going to re-state anything that hasn't already been mentioned, except that you really need to stop sleeping with him. Emergency contraception is not supposed to be used as you are using it....and I'm curious how you're not able to use 'hormonal' contraception, when emergency contraception(plan b?) is a form of hormones, actually a very high dosage.

 

Abstain from sex with him, until your pops comes to kick him out. If you shut the daily sex down, I guarantee you'll be seeing not such a charming, sweet guy anymore.

[Ariel85]

I forgot to add that I highly recommend getting a full STD panel done. You already know this guy was cheating on you when you first met, so who knows what he's been up to since. And with all that unprotected sex...