kristinski Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 Hi! I am new and signed up because I'm having an issue with my boyfriend. The situation is odd and this post is long so I apologize in advance if that's tedious. I just moved back to Chicago, I'd previously lived there for 4-5 years, and before I moved I talked to this guy online for about a month. We corresponded at least once every day and I was really excited to meet him -- with good reason. When I finally got into town I had the time of my life on our first date. We spent over 12 hours together wandering the city and eventually watched the sun rise by the lake. It was amazing. Then the next day he tells me his roommate bailed on him, stealing his rent money and personal funds in the process. He says he's been wiped clean out and will either have to move home to Michigan or to NYC to live with a friend. He says he's really upset because he felt like we had an amazing connection. So I tell him he can stay with me until he finds something here in the city that will work out for him. I was so upset with the thought that someone I'd met and really connected with for the first time in a long, long time would leave so suddenly, that was the only thing I could think of. I live in a beautiful condo owned by my parents (I pay full rent), but it's tiny -- its a studio, and really only fits one person. It's been three months and he has not left, has no intention to leave. i feel married. After living with my parents for quite a while recovering from a serious illness, I had hoped to be independent and have space and free time to myself to pursue my friendships, career, and just enjoy being a 25 year old woman in a world class city. He's here 24/7. In addition to both of us working from home as freelance writers/designers at the moment, he's agoraphobic and has severe anxiety and OCD -- he is afraid to leave the house. This would be fine if the house was more than one room, a hallway, and a bathroom. But he's literally in 6 - 10 foot proximity of me ALL DAY and night. He has very few friends and spends most of his time on the computer. I've told him a few times that he needs to look for a place of his own; that I really and truly care for him, but I don't want to live here with someone else. There's no space or privacy. He gets upset, threatens to kill himself for being a 'burden', and then does nothing. He has not paid a single cent of the substantial rent, bills, or groceries. He has free internet, cable tv, washer/dryer, gym, and really nice amenities in a beautiful building. I am struggling in a major way to pay for all of this. He says he's completely broke. I am trying to make the best of the situation. It is not ideal, but I do care for and love him. However, I feel like this man's security blanket, protecting him from the outside world. His neediness is absurd: he says he has no other reason to live than me, that I am everything to him. That all he wants in life is for us to be together. His need to cuddle moves into upwards of 8 hours a day. It's like we HAVE to be in physical contact at all times. I wish he would pursue his own dreams and aspirations -- I certainly plan to follow mine. sorry if this is tmi: In the past three months I have had to use emergency contraception 5 times because he refuses to use a condom and I cannot use hormonal birth control due to an illness. I cannot currently afford a non-hormonal IUD. I pay for the Plan B every time. I know the unprotected sex is horrible; it makes me feel trashy and stupid and it will eventually get me pregnant even though he does pull out. He is simply adamant about not using condoms, and says it is my fault for not having long term birth control. The other thing is his massive collection of pornography. He has an entire hard drive filled with it, and about 20 folders on his laptop with about 200-300 images each. He has desktop folders where he obsessively hoards images of all the women he has slept with, and links to their FB pages, twitter, etc. Several of them have pornographic images of their own -- he's dated a few BDSM fetish models (I model sometimes myself, but not in an erotic context). So he's sitting here next to ME on his computer, staring at nude images of women he's slept with. I don't have a problem with pornography, and I understand guys like to look at dirty stuff, but when confronted about WHY he looks at ex gfs and WHY he needs porn when I have sex with him whenever/however he wants (at least once a day!) he just says: "If something on my computer bothers you I'll delete it. I only want to be with you." Great... but he keeps downloading. I found this out by way of an ex gf (and fetish model) sending me an angry message on FB saying that he was dating both of us simultaneously and when he moved in with me he lied to her, saying he was actually moving out of town -- never mentioning a girlfriend and a new living situation. When I asked him about this he was not forthcoming but did eventually confess to lying. Though he also said there was never overlap, and that he immediately stopped seeing her. About 4 hours after this conversation with him, he started saying he felt suicidal. so THEN i had to spend another four hours laying on the floor with him, trying to convince him of my love. Again, he threatens suicide when I confront him about any questionable or odd behavior, or when there is the threat of losing me. I think a lot of this childlike behaviour is residual, left over from a really abusive and chaotic childhood. He basically raised himself. I think girlfriends provide the stability and support he never had. The thing is that he dotes on me. He won't pay bills but he'll buy me an expensive leather jacket that he saw me look at in a store (i never ask for and could care less about presents/material crap), he tells me constantly how happy I make him, he spends almost all day with me everyday, leaves me little notes around the house, does chores, tells me he adores me. There's just so much that doesn't make sense; when I think about the situation objectively I get angry because I feel I'm being taken advantage of, yet my heart turns to...he's such a wonderful and loving companion. Just a lot of stuff seems to not be adding up. It's freaking me out. I feel like it's not healthy, I feel like I'm being taken advantage of...am I over-reacting? thanks so much for reading this insanely long thing, and for any advice or opinions. - k Link to comment
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