I feel that this is an emotionally abusive situation

[tnmom66]

I have posted my story elsewhere, but I saw this forum and wanted to get feedback.

 

My child's father is threatening to interfere with my parenting time with our daughter if I pursue a relationship with another man.

 

 

Although I KNOW he doesn't have this right to control my life, and I am so far not letting him stop me, it is causing me tremendous distress. I don't want my child being used to hurt me. I don't want a man who doesn't love me to keep me from being in a relationship with a man who does.

 

I know he hasn't got a legal leg to stand on, unless he pushes my buttons so hard he drives me to be in such a bad mental/emotional state that that becomes an issue to a judge. I don't want to give him that power, but I don't know what to do.

 

If I bow to his demands and deny my own desire for a healthy and loving relationship with a man, what message will I be sending to my kids? If I stand my ground and he starts messing around with my time with my child and tries to make it look like I care more about a new relationship with a man than I do about my relationship with my 3 year old daughter, what message will that be sending.

 

I already feel like I screwed up and set a bad example by having sex out of wedlock. Things seem to be spiraling out of control. My therapist thought it was good and healthy for me to pursue happiness as a woman and that it didn't mean that I wasn't a good mother.

 

I would have been open to a relationship with this man, but he DOES NOT WANT ME!! But he thinks I shouldn't be in a relationship with someone else. He says it is all about what is best for the child, but I think there is more to it than that. He told me he'd get counseling, but he won't unless I stop dating. I don't want to let him manipulate me.

 

Isn't this abuse??? I told him it was. I feel that it is. And I'm not sure what to do. I am seeking professional help, but I am not very hopeful that there will be a satisfactory outcome.

[Princess123]

Are your custody agreements legalized? I'm wondering how he could mess around with your time with your daughter. I think your entirely right on pursuing a relationship etc. He is trying to control your life by using your daughter against you. That is wrong.

 

Just make sure when you date someone you have a kid night sort of. Your daughter may be young and you probably spend a lot of time with her already. But just have a once a week thing mother daughter tradition where you guys do something together. This way you won't have a guilt of not spending time with her, or she won't feel that she is less important when you do date.

[abitbroken]

It is emotional manipulation if its not emotional abuse. I wouldn't spend my time trying to "label" it. And calling someone an abuser to their face just makes them mad and it doesn't change things. Rather I would focus on being strong and calling his bluff by living your life the way you want to live it and when he asks you questions, change the subject or only communicate him on matters directly related to your daughter. You don't live with this man, so you have a choice on how much you let him in on your life. BTW, you are playing games with him. According to another thread you told him he needs counseling to either get over his issues so he can be with you, or let you move on. You have to stop being or feeling responsible for his feelings or behavior. Just let him be. If he doesn't want to get over his commitment issues, he can keep em. And if he won't let you move on - well that's the only one that concerns you, but there is a difference between one person not wanting the other person to move on and you letting them hold you hostage and one person not wanting the other person to move on and the other person to do it anyhow.

[tnmom66]

I am a stay-at-home mother. My daughter is in preschool 2 days a week and has one overight with her father. I do spend a huge amount of time on her and my kids will always be my first priority. I don't feel guilty going on a date on the night she is spending one on one time with her father.

[tnmom66]

. BTW, you are playing games with him. According to another thread you told him he needs counseling to either get over his issues so he can be with you, or let you move on. You have to stop being or feeling responsible for his feelings or behavior. Just let him be. If he doesn't want to get over his commitment issues, he can keep em. And if he won't let you move on - well that's the only one that concerns you, but there is a difference between one person not wanting the other person to move on and you letting them hold you hostage and one person not wanting the other person to move on and the other person to do it anyhow.

 

No, I'm not playing games and if it seemed like I told him he needed counseling to get over his issues so he could be with me, that isn't what I meant. That was one option to keep me all to himself and making it work. But it really wasn't an option, I just wanted him to know that he is doing the rejecting, not me. The bigger issue I told him he/we needed counseling about is getting him out of my way so I can live my own life and he feels good about letting me have a life with a man who can love me and him being able to believe that it isn't doing his daughter any favors by trying keeping me chained up. I don't want there to be any ungrounded fears on his part about letting me pursue a relationship with another man. I want us to all be happy and healthy. He's not stopping me, but I feel like he's burdening me and I want him to turn loose and feel good about it.

 

I feel that the way he is using his child is as morally wrong and emotionally unhealthy for her as if he were using her for sexual pleasure. I don't want any unhealthy emotional patterns to be perpetuated. Children aren't weapons.

[puppetted]

It sounds as if he's giving you an ultimatum for potential "revenge"-type reasons. "If you do x, I will do y to get back at you." That's very manipulative and emotionally abusive. If there is a history of this, I'd worry about the effects it will have on your daughter if she grows up seeing this kind of manipulation.

I am 27 and I did not realize I mimic my mother's reactions / ways of handling things until late in life.