He doesn't want me but he doesn't want anyone else to have me either

[tnmom66]

It has been almost 4 years since I met my ex-FWB. He dumped me halfway through my pregnancy when I pressed him for a commitment and 3 months after the baby was born, he expressed interest in renewing the FWB, but I said no, although I would consider marriage.

 

We have a daughter who is almost 3. He says he hasn't dated or had sex with anyone since me. I went on one coffee date, talked to some people online, but never felt good about dating till lately. It is my therapist who strongly recommended that I date. I felt that I shouldn't be with anybody other than the father of my child, but I have gotten over that and felt 100% ready to move on with my life.. Over the past 3 years, occasionally,he would express his concern for the child, should I get involved with another man. He wants me to remain single and celibate, although he says he doesn't care what I do. He has even point blank said that if I marry and live with another man, I will not longer be the primary residential parent. He will let me see her, but she will not live with me.

 

I met a guy who really likes me and we went out last Friday. The next day me ex called me and asked if I had slept with him. I got very upset. He again said (and it had been a year since he brought it up, so I thought he was over it) that he didn't want another man around our daughter, but I was free to do what I wanted. Basically, to choose between having a man in my life or my daughter in my house. I got upset and told him he was being unfair and I didn't feel like I could date because it wasn't fair to a man to bring all this drama and baggage. He agreed to see my therapist to either overcome his commitment issues so he could have a relationship with me so I wouldn't have the need to bring another man into my life (I think the odds of that happening are worse than me winning a 120 milllion dollars in a lottery), or to get help for his irrational fears about his daughter being in danger if I got involved with another man(which I think might actually happen if he gets the right kind of help--he is a reasonable man in general). He kept saying for me to go ahead and date and that if he was a decent man and if I didn't live with him, there shouldn't be a problem. I told him I didn't want that uncertainty hanging over my head and I called the guy I was dating and told him what was going on and that I thought I needed to take a few weeks off till these things got settled. I also told my ex that I needed to get advice from my therapist. My therapist was booked up, but he talked to me on the phone and told me I didn't need to stop dating. A few days later, the guy I had gone out with said he still wanted to see me, so I said "okay!"

 

Tonight I mentioned to my ex that my date canceled tonight because he was sick. About an hour later the ex called me and he said he was not going to see my therapist because it was conditional upon me not continuing to date. I told him he he never said any such thing, and he said it was implied. He accused me of going behind his back to see other guys. I never tried to hide anything, it just didn't come up! I got really upset and went to his house and forced my way in and he threatened to call the police. I told him he was being emotionally abusive and he was using our daughter to manipulate me and he didn't want things to change and he was looking for an excuse to not get help.

 

He finally left it at: He will go see another therapist (I really think mine can actually help him, but he thinks since I have been seeing him for 3 months,he would be biased against my ex) and depending upon how that goes, he might go with me to see mine. I really felt like I might actually have a chance of having a man in my life to love and be loved by. I have some strange stipulations, such as if I do marry, I don't want to live together till my kids are out of the house. I didn't think I'd easily find a man to agree to that, but this guy who wants to see me hasn't written me off yet. He has a son at home himself.

 

My ex has some truly wonderful qualities and if we could overcome this hurdle, I'd feel that we have a perfect 10 as far as the quality of our co-parenting relationship. There is no man on the face of the earth that I would chose ahead of my child. But this isn't fair or normal.

 

Oh, this man is a 39 year old Turkish man who recently told me that this is a cultural issue. In Turkey, he says it is not acceptable for women with children to bring another man into the house, even if their husbands are dead.

[Betweenthebars]

I can understand that he doesn't want a new man every week around his daughter, but if you are in a stable, loving committed relationship, that shouldn't be a problem. If he is afraid of committing to you, you have every right to seek love and happiness somewhere else. I think this isn't about your child, though. I believe he just wants to sleep with you and not have a commitment, and since you want more, he has decided no one else can have you.

[abitbroken]

Well...you are not bringing another man into the house. You are meeting at a restaurant or he is picking you up and your daughter hopefully isn't meeting him at this point. Well if he knows its a cultural issue, tell him that you are not Turkish so don't honor his issue. I would not let him blackmail you about seeing the therapist on conditions. He cannot take his child from you because you have done no wrong. A judge would laugh at him for trying to take the daughter because you went on a date. He is very possessive. If you are concerned that he will skip town with your daughter, try to get supervised visitation. But other than that, just say "okay whatever' and live your life.

 

I think that at this point, that you should drop the either or (he gets over his commitment issues and is with you or he is okay with other men). As far as I am concerned, you don't want this man. You may think you do, but if he doesn't want you, he doesn't deserve to have you and quite frankly I wouldn't be with a man who treated me like that.

[chitown9]

Oh, this man is a 39 year old Turkish man who recently told me that this is a cultural issue. In Turkey, he says it is not acceptable for women with children to bring another man into the house, even if their husbands are dead.

 

Well, too bad. Tell him that you don't live in Turkey. Oh...and when in Rome, do as the Romans do......

[Betweenthebars]

I don't think OP has custody, or maybe I read into his blackmailing incorrectly.

[tnmom66]

we have joint custody, but I am the primary residential parent. He spends a couple of hours a day with her 3 days, has her one overnight and that spills over till afternoon of the next day.

 

He thinks I am the one with a problem and that HE doesn't need to see a therapist.

 

I am 45 years old. I really want a healthy, normal relationship. I want to be with someone who sees my value and loves me and appreciates me and who I can love AND BE LOVED BY!!!!

 

He has never been in a loving relationship with a woman. He has had only a few, short and shallow relationships. If he wants to be alone and unattached, that's his choice, but he can't impose that lifestyle on me.

 

The only reason I fell into a FWB relationship with him is because my 30 year involvement with my ex-husband (my first boyfriend and the father of y 2 older children) had recently come to an end as he found himself a new wife. I was lonely, rejected, desperate. This new guy really was a comfort to me and I knew from the start that he didn't want me for the long term, but this unexpected pregnancy complicated everything. I never imagined, though, that he would impose these limits on me. My big concern was that he would reject his daughter.

 

My mother would tell me that this is what I get for wanting my daughter to have her father in her life. He is a wonderful father and a blessing to me in many ways. But this isn't right. It isn't fair. My daughter deserves to have a loving and devoted father in her life. I should be free to have someone in my life who treasures me. I can't begin to express how exiting it was for me to meet this new man, who is marriage minded and who so far thinks I am wonderful. I AM wonderful! I am sweet and kind and a good friend. I am a good mother and I put my children first. I feel so frustrated. And hopeless.

 

My therapist said he'll call me tomorrow. Of course, he thinks my ex is being unreasonable, but that doesn't make my situation any different. NOBODY, especially a mental health professional would think my ex is acting normally or reasonably.

 

Every fiber of my being is resisting. The way he acted tonight just confirmed to me even more how he is just trying to keep me under his thumb. I couldn't believe it when he said he'd cancel his appointment which is so obviously JUST TO SPITE ME for continuing to get on with my life in spite of the knowledge that he doesn't want me to. And he probably really doesn't want to see my therapist because my therapist is telling me to do the opposite of what my ex wants. My heart is telling me the same thing. I have a date for next Friday and I have no plans to cancel. I guess I am calling his bluff. He does keep saying I'm free to do what I want, go ahead and date and when it gets serious, we'll work out details. He wants the uncertainty to paralyze me, which has always worked till now.

 

I do not really fear him skipping town with the child. He knows she needs me and I think he loves her enough to not deprive her of a relationship with her mother.

[chitown9]

 

I do not really fear him skipping town with the child. He knows she needs me and I think he loves her enough to not deprive her of a relationship with her mother.

 

I wouldn't be so sure about that. I don't think he would take your child to another city, but perhaps back to his country. It would not be the first time this has happened. I don't want to alarm you, but this guy definitely is controlling and determined to have his way. He just might do it to show you who is in charge. I would consult with an attorney about this matter to see what can be done to prevent him from doing such a thing. It would be better to be safe than sorry....

[FreedomRing]

I get the feeling you want your ex FWB back and that this is what this is really all about. Why else would you even be telling him when you've met someone new, when you're going on dates, how long you've been celibate, etc. It's none of his business. True co-parents who have really moved on from each other, don't share intimate details about their love life, unless and until it has gotten serious(someone moving in, introductio0n to kid, engagement, marriage, etc). Since you know he is irrational, don't give him any ammunition, UNLESS you're secretly hoping that is going to make him come back to you and want a proper relationship....?

[tnmom66]

I get the feeling you want your ex FWB back and that this is what this is really all about. Why else would you even be telling him when you've met someone new, when you're going on dates, how long you've been celibate, etc. It's none of his business. True co-parents who have really moved on from each other, don't share intimate details about their love life, unless and until it has gotten serious(someone moving in, introductio0n to kid, engagement, marriage, etc). Since you know he is irrational, don't give him any ammunition, UNLESS you're secretly hoping that is going to make him come back to you and want a proper relationship....?

 

 

Well, I guess I am just as open and honest and transparent with him as I am with everyone else in my life and family. Maybe this isn't anyone's business, but everyone knows. He isn't getting any special insight into my life.

 

I guess I tend to "overshare" with everyone. It's just my way. You apparently think these are "intimate" details and I think they're just "life" that I'm not hiding from anyone.

 

I really did think this time would be different. Our child is older, and I think many first time parents are a bit "over protective" at first, then they relax a bit. He has definitely relaxed about a lot of stuff but it is obvious that he's a concerned parent. But so am I.

 

 

I really don't see how you think anything that is going on here looks in any shape or form that I'm secretly hoping to get him to come back to me. There has never been anything secret about me or my feelings. He has always known, since I got pregnant, that there is no other person I'd rather be involved with than him. He's the father of my child, my schedule already revolves around him. It would be less complicated. The problem is that HE DOES NOT WANT ME. Have you ever heard Bonnie Raitt sing "I can't make you love me"???? I want to be with a man who wants to be with me, and my ex is totally incapable of feeling that way, even though he tells me that although he doesn't feel that way now, he might later---a typical non-committal comment he threw out like throwing a bone to a dog. I won't let him string me along waiting for the day he has a change of heart. It won't happen in my lifetime, and I have already spent too many of my years in toxic relationships. Sure, if I could wave a magic wand, or make a miracle happen, I'd have him get back the feelings he had for me AND give him the desire to commit and after my two older kids are out of the house, we could all move in together and be a traditional family and I could have supper on the table for him when he came home from work and fall asleep in his arms every night. But I don't believe in fairy tales anymore. How could I even pretend to believe that i think after over 3 years since he dumped he, something will change now? There is NOTHING I can do to influence him in any way other than making him want to limit my time with my daughter, nd he can't do that, but it bothers me terribly that he threatens me with it.

 

I guess we need to go to a "true co-parenting' class so we can both know the rules.

[FreedomRing]

Yeah you do need to look into a parenting class, with him or WITHOUT him....(i hope you weren't being sarcastic).

 

You seem to have a bit of a problem with taking responsibility for your behavior. He does too, for the record, but he's not posting, so i'll focus on you.

 

So you recognize you 'overshare' with 'everyone' in your life.....well in this scenario, your exfwb, is outside of that box, and your current issue with him is a direct result of not establishing proper boundaries with regard to your love life. If he wants to share his, whatever....but that does not mean you should be sharing yours. Clearly neither of you are in a place where you can really handle hearing about it.

 

You say he 'dumped' you when you asked for commitment....well newsflash dear...fwbs don't require 'dumping' since you were never in a relationship to start. So essentially, you and this guy were never on the same page. He never wanted a relationship with you....just sheet romping. Thats gotta hurt, but you allowed yourself to be treated that way when you knew you wanted more all along.

 

To still pine for this guy, who clearly only wants things his way, but with no true commitment says alot about your state of mind and lack of self respect. You have a daughter to raise......please be a better role model to her then this. Damn right you deserve a man who actually wants to date you and get to know you and possibly be in a RELATIONSHIP with you. So keep that PRIVATE. Your exfwb does not desrve to know about someone in the early stages. period.

[tnmom66]

The parenting class I took after my divorce wasn't that helpful. No, I wasn't being sarcastic.

 

Yes, I was dumped, I was dumped as a friend. We were on the same page at first, but the child forced us to go into different directions than what either of us had in. There was no longer the option for us to go our separate ways, unattached, into relationships with other people. Having a child ties people together in a way that marriage doesn't. One reason I was attracted to this guy is that he didn't want me long term. I was looking to soothe my nerves and bide my time until my ex's new wife left him and then I hoped I could get my family back together. I knew that I would have no guilt leaving this new guy behind if and when that happened. But having the child complicated everything. My kid's stepmother DID leave, and my ex husband has expressed interest in me,but with this new child, there is no way to put things back together like they were....which wasn't even that good in the first place.

 

I quit pining for a different relationship with the ex FWB a long time ago. I love and appreciate him. Until this latest episode, I thought we had settled into a wonderfully warm and cooperative co-parenting relationship and I felt like it was almost perfect. I have no romantic or sexual feelings for this man, I just feel that it would have been easier and more practical to be "in a relationship" with him than with someone new. Again, I don't long for him or a relationship that I can't have. I felt 100% emotionally available to a new person. Now, it is fear, not longing, that is holding me back.

 

I really thought he was a friend to me at this point. I am waiting to talk to my therapist, but I am thinking that no contact is the way to go. It is hard to do that with a child together. But this man is my enemy and I am afraid for myself and my child. I don't want him to be my enemy, but that is what he is. I think the only way to protect myself and my family it to stop being so welcoming to him.

 

BTW, we have been having dinner together "as a family" every week and he has told me it is important to him for his daughter to see that we get along. She loves it when we are together "as a family". But I have been more comfortable with this situation than is good. I also have wanted to do things "as a family" with my ex husband and older kids, but the ex FWB does not want me to take our child anywhere where she will be around my ex husband, even if my other children are there. I feel he doesn't have that right, either, and I didn't agree to it. I try to model kindness and cooperation for my kids. But I don't want my children to allow people to manipulate and control them and keep them from seeking their own happiness.

 

Using a child as an instrument to torture the child's own parent is as sick of a thing as I have ever heard of.

 

I can't begin to explain to you the horror I feel in this situation. There is no easy solution.

 

Yes, my lack of proper boundaries has gotten me where I am. I just feel almost powerless to make things better. My children will never have the life I would like for them to have. It is sad to me to think that they can't be themselves and trust other people and know that people will always be kind and selfless and treat others as they would want to be treated. I thought it would be good for my daughter and her father to be involved in each other's lives. It isn't working out as I had hoped, and I never truly hoped that I'd ever be married to my daughter's father. I knew from the start that that was not going to happen and I just wanted us to give our child as secure and as happy a life as we could.