tnmom66 Posted September 10, 2011 Share Posted September 10, 2011 It has been almost 4 years since I met my ex-FWB. He dumped me halfway through my pregnancy when I pressed him for a commitment and 3 months after the baby was born, he expressed interest in renewing the FWB, but I said no, although I would consider marriage. We have a daughter who is almost 3. He says he hasn't dated or had sex with anyone since me. I went on one coffee date, talked to some people online, but never felt good about dating till lately. It is my therapist who strongly recommended that I date. I felt that I shouldn't be with anybody other than the father of my child, but I have gotten over that and felt 100% ready to move on with my life.. Over the past 3 years, occasionally,he would express his concern for the child, should I get involved with another man. He wants me to remain single and celibate, although he says he doesn't care what I do. He has even point blank said that if I marry and live with another man, I will not longer be the primary residential parent. He will let me see her, but she will not live with me. I met a guy who really likes me and we went out last Friday. The next day me ex called me and asked if I had slept with him. I got very upset. He again said (and it had been a year since he brought it up, so I thought he was over it) that he didn't want another man around our daughter, but I was free to do what I wanted. Basically, to choose between having a man in my life or my daughter in my house. I got upset and told him he was being unfair and I didn't feel like I could date because it wasn't fair to a man to bring all this drama and baggage. He agreed to see my therapist to either overcome his commitment issues so he could have a relationship with me so I wouldn't have the need to bring another man into my life (I think the odds of that happening are worse than me winning a 120 milllion dollars in a lottery), or to get help for his irrational fears about his daughter being in danger if I got involved with another man(which I think might actually happen if he gets the right kind of help--he is a reasonable man in general). He kept saying for me to go ahead and date and that if he was a decent man and if I didn't live with him, there shouldn't be a problem. I told him I didn't want that uncertainty hanging over my head and I called the guy I was dating and told him what was going on and that I thought I needed to take a few weeks off till these things got settled. I also told my ex that I needed to get advice from my therapist. My therapist was booked up, but he talked to me on the phone and told me I didn't need to stop dating. A few days later, the guy I had gone out with said he still wanted to see me, so I said "okay!" Tonight I mentioned to my ex that my date canceled tonight because he was sick. About an hour later the ex called me and he said he was not going to see my therapist because it was conditional upon me not continuing to date. I told him he he never said any such thing, and he said it was implied. He accused me of going behind his back to see other guys. I never tried to hide anything, it just didn't come up! I got really upset and went to his house and forced my way in and he threatened to call the police. I told him he was being emotionally abusive and he was using our daughter to manipulate me and he didn't want things to change and he was looking for an excuse to not get help. He finally left it at: He will go see another therapist (I really think mine can actually help him, but he thinks since I have been seeing him for 3 months,he would be biased against my ex) and depending upon how that goes, he might go with me to see mine. I really felt like I might actually have a chance of having a man in my life to love and be loved by. I have some strange stipulations, such as if I do marry, I don't want to live together till my kids are out of the house. I didn't think I'd easily find a man to agree to that, but this guy who wants to see me hasn't written me off yet. He has a son at home himself. My ex has some truly wonderful qualities and if we could overcome this hurdle, I'd feel that we have a perfect 10 as far as the quality of our co-parenting relationship. There is no man on the face of the earth that I would chose ahead of my child. But this isn't fair or normal. Oh, this man is a 39 year old Turkish man who recently told me that this is a cultural issue. In Turkey, he says it is not acceptable for women with children to bring another man into the house, even if their husbands are dead. Link to comment
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