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So this is over and done, but I wouldn't mind any afterthoughts which may help for future dating.


I met a beautiful girl at the beginning of the summer on an online dating site. We met up one Saturday morning and we clicked. We spent a good part of the day together and then we met up again the following day and we spent most of that day together, too. Things went really fast.


She had said when we first met that she was about 5 months out of an 8 year long relationship and that she wasn't looking to date. It had been some years since I had dated and I wasn't looking to jump in head-first either. In any case, we talked on the phone for a couple nights following the weekend. On Wednesday, we were chatting at about 11 at night and she invited me over. I went over to her place and we ended up having sex. I had some performance anxiety as it had been a long long time for me, and I was also exhausted and coming down off a lot of caffeine that day. It definitely bothered me, but there was nothing I could do about it. She said she didn't care and we cuddled and then we took a shower together. She was completely sweet and affectionate the whole evening.


And then...


The morning came around and her demeanor changed. She said she felt like she made a mistake because she had a kid to think about and because she didn't want to have a secret relationship. I'll note that she was separated, not divorced, and that her ex was still trying to get back together with her. Apparently her extended family wanted the same for the sake of her kid. She was adamant about not wanting to get back with him for reasons I won't mention here.


Anyways, I said I understood and I left her place early that morning. When I got home, I pulled down my online dating profile because I really just didn't feel like dating anymore. I cared a lot about her and I just wasn't in the mood to meet anyone else. We exchanged a couple emails basically confirming what we had talked about that morning and she said she needed time to sort things out in her head. I left her alone, but a few days later she called and said she missed me and wanted to see me again. We met up and spent some time together on the town, but there was no sex. In fact, she seemed to pull away physically a little more each time we met up, but she kept wanting to meet up. It was confusing to me. I didn't know what to make of it, and being afraid she was trying to friend-zone me, I just said it would be better if we went our separate ways. It really bothered me that the one time we had sex didn't go well and that I never got a chance to do better. Silly, I suppose, but it's how I felt.


She was the first girl I clicked with in years. The fact that she wasn't divorced would have bothered me in my younger years, but after being alone for so long, and coming to accept that there were zero other women interested in me, I chalked that up to a triviality. She was really a wonderful girl, but the circumstances just sucked.


In retrospect, I don't think there was any way a true relationship could have ever come out of those circumstances. And I also know that if I had to do it over again, I'd still have been with her, even if it had to end quickly. Maybe a few days of romance in a non-ideal situation is as good as it gets for a guy like me. And that's fine...it's totally fine. I try to be thankful for the good rather than dwell on the bad. But still even now, I miss her.


I must say, I think I'd rather miss her than feel numb like I did for so many years before I met her.


BTW, if you're wondering what advice I'm asking for, I guess I'm not per se. I'm just telling this story because I feel like I need to tell it, and it makes me feel less alone on this nice Friday night. But feel free to comment if you like.




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