Can we fix our troubled relationship? Please help

[CarleyAnn]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. I absolutely love him and the thought of him out of my life just scares me, I honestly don't know what I will do or how I will react if we ever end up done for good.

 

We have had our fair share of troubles. I've done many things that I will always regret throughout my lifetime. I've screwed up and he's forgiven me so much it's gotten to the point where this is the last chance.

*He was the sensitive the one, he did anything and everything to show me his love. He was by far the sweetest guy, ever. People were so jealous that I had a guy like him. But I took advantage of it, but I realize it now but I'm afraid I'm a little too late. I feel like I've hurt him so much that I've turned him into a heartless guy. He's not the same and I could see it.

 

When we got back together this last time everything felt back to normal in the beginning, but then I decided for some odd reason to lurk his facebook and I found messages between him and other girls (when we were broken up.) The sweet things he said tore me apart. I'm a insecure person in the first place this really triggered it to the fullest extent possible. Ever since then I constantly worried. "Why is he with me? I'm not good enough. He'd rather be talking to some hot blonde. He's probably thinking about someone else. He'd rather be hangingout with someone rather then sitting here with me." I put SO many thoughts inside my head to the point where I am literally going insane. For a month straight now I have been starting fights saying I don't think he's happy with me and things don't feel right..

 

He constantly says he's happy with me, I'm putting lies inside my head and believing them, and he doesn't feel different about anything. But I'd just be so stubborn that I would refuse to believe him. We'd make up and we just do the same thing every single day.

 

Well, tonight was the last straw.

He told me it's gotten to the point where he doesn't want to be with me because I'm constantly starting something or thinking something negative when something is going on.. I wanted to kill myself right then and there. I told him please give me one chance and I will change, I will try to go back to my normal happy self.. but he just won't believe me, he thinks it will just happen again tomorrow.

 

 

I want to fix my insecurities. I don't want to be worried that he isn't happy or feeling the same. Or even thinking about somebody, I want to be like we used to be, before our troubles. Happy. Didn't worry about a thing just that we were together. I feel like I've dug myself in too big of a hole for that now and I've ruined this relationship too much. How can I feel secure? How can I change to help our relationship grow and heal? Please help me. He said I should think about everything tonight, and give him an answer tomorrow. I want this to work but I'm afraid my thoughts will get the best of me.. Please help

[Realitynut]

I've done the same thing, and I'm 56. I was with a guy for 3 years and lost him to anothre woman. He said that I was always telling him that he wasn't saying or doing the right things.

 

I bought some really good relationship books online..,.but it was too late. But I did learn alot. Like when he withdrew, I thought it was because he didn't care, so I harped at him even more. He was withdrawing as protection to himself. He couldn't handle it, so he withdrew like a turtle. You are feeling insecure, because you are now having to hang onto something that you are not sure of, so you hang on even tighter. You cling, he wants to old happy, go-lucky girl you were when he first met you....weren't we all??

 

Ask him what he would like you to do? Get out a paper and pen. Write down what makes you feel insecure in your relationship. Then write down what makes you feel secure. What he could do to help you feel more secure. And have him do the same thing...maybe not with security, but what would make him feel more at ease with you. After being together for a while, problems always arise....it's how you deal with them.

Look up Al Turtle on the internet. Show him in writing, show him a book you are going to buy and read....and ask him to HELP you become secure. Tell him you want to become a more secure woman because yu love him. Ask him, if you love me, will you help me on my journey. Will you stand by me, and support me. Be there for me, and reassure me, when my insecurities show up, and show me that I don't need to feel that way. Tell him that you are a team, and will work together on your relationship as a team. When you feel he won't run in the other direction, you will feel more secure right off the bat.

 

I also threatened to kill myself, which made him react with concern, and I thought that meant he loved me. It just meant he was concerned. But he lost respect for me. I wore him down, and he finally gave up. But I wouldn't let him leave. He finally found someone else, it still took him forever to give me the final boot!

 

I regret everything I ever did that hurt him. But my way and his way of communicating were different. Be calm. Don't nag, or cry, or beg. Pretend you are a grownup, not a child. A classy grown woman. Beautiful, and secure. How would she act? How would she talk to the man she love? Not like a 10 yr. old insecure child!! Start off that way. I'm sorry, I could write a book, but that's because I have read about 5 self help books, and he still left me. Because it was too late. Hope it's not to late for you. Good luck.

[LN1987]

Hey Reality.... Do you still want him back if you dont mind me asking?

[Realitynut]

Unfortunately. I last saw him as I climbed out of his bed around midnight March 31. He helped me to the car, took things I had LOADED into the car as I was threatening to break up...we took them BACK to the house...stupid me! He had told me NOT to leave when I was "packing" that he loved me. On April 1 I saw that he was calling her on MY cell phone that I paid for him. SHE had just changed her number, but lived an hour away.

 

And yet today I got out of bed in the afternoon, I'm always depressed, and tried to clean up my filthy house. I had my 19 yr. old help me. He left to get some lightbulbs. When he came back I was crying with tears just streaming down my face. I had called HIM. I knew he wouldn't answer. He has a new cell. So I left a really long msg. on my old cell saying how much I miss him, and talking to him. All the things I shouldn't.

 

I know he doesn't think of me. Why should he. I'ts just that I gave up my whole life for him, cuz I thought HE was my life. All my furniture is still at his house, my jewelry, and some clothes. My winter coats. I told him I didn't think I could see him yet. Maybe I could get my stuff next year. I'd have to get a moving van. I told him everyone is afraid he is going to sell my stuff. I told him that I knew he wouldn't. He's not that way.

 

I told him I was trying so hard to climb out of this depression. I asked him to call me and leave me a msg. Tell me (like he did in JUNE) that he was still in love with this other woman. I said "tell me that you are happy" tell me that you don't love me. Tell me the TRUTH, not all the lies you had told me for the last 2 years that you never loved anyone like you loved me, even your ex. Right up the the very last night I saw him, he was telling me he loved me. ( of course, over the phone the week before, he said, I think I LOVE you, I'm just not in-love with you" Which I thought was just a dumb guy statement.

 

I should have listened.

 

My sister wrote me a 4 page letter telling me how everyone is tired of me wanting THEM to understand ME! So she then wrote How THEY feel.

She said EVERYONE goes through heartbreak, but do they talk about it? YES, but briefly, then they get on with their lives

 

Hah! She never LIVED with a guy. She had her OWN home, and never lost ONE. I lost 2 in 3 yrs. She dumped all of her guys because non would marry her. None had an affair on HER while he was proposing to her....like me.

 

She said I'm no FUN to be around. She told me I was self-centered and to think of others. And on and on and on.

 

Everyone here says family will back you. But mine never have, and never will. That is why I counted so much on him, to always be there for me. That is why I'm so lost. No one with any good self-esteem would want him back. They would walk and never look back. But I din't just lose him. I lost not only my friend, my best lover of all time, the best dancer (hehe) the man I thought I was going to grow old with (older..lol) but I lost the house I worked HARD on for over 3 years and landscaped his yard with all my flowers.

 

Oh this should not be MY story, on someone elses thread.

 

You asked if I still wanted him back. The short answer is yes. But the truth. Would he want me? NO. I'd like to know how long is this going to take. A year?