am I being too demanding?

[SillyGurl89]

Boyfriend/Fiance is he selfish or am I asking too much?

My boyfriend/fiance and I have been fighting alot lately. I love him and want things to work but I am wondering if I am being too demanding or if he just is not even trying. I'm 22 he is 23. We have been together for a year and 2 mos. I bring him meals I drive him around wherever he needs to go because he currently does not have a car. He has a fulltime job now which is nice. We don't live together however I stay over quite a bit. I love being with him even though he rents out a room so the room is really small and hot...but I don't mind because I love him. However, like last night we had a quickie ( which means he gets off in 5 min and thats it) I bought him beer...he was watching fb and doing his fantasy football tracker...he wnated more beer so I went to the store again and got him more. After the game he was busy still obsessing over the fb so I was reading...then when he made it clear it was time to sleep I went to get closer to him and he was all mad and put on his headphones and shut me out. I've been asking him for a week to cuddle with me and just love on me. He doesn't seem to get it. At one point the other day he said he didn't think Id stay with him if we didn't have sex, however he was the one who pressured me to have sex and initiated it in hte relationship. i wanted to wait. The sex isn't a big deal for me because this is my other issue...this morn he woke up and I was still hurt about last night however I ended up putting those emotions away like I always do...he told me if I got him off quick then hed last longer later on in hte morning for me. I spent 45 min focusing soley on him and gave him (and im judging by his reaction) a pretty sensual happy ending massage...I then asked him if he could simply massage me too...(but like he always does) he said he was tired...then he said he wasn't feeling good...then he put his hand and rubbed 3 times real quick on my leg while playing on his phone....thats it...I spent 3 hrs this morn trying to get him to pay attention to me...to even just hug me and kiss me...or return a favor. His idea of sex is 5 - 10 min.total and hten he is done. .. in 8 months of having sex...he has tried maybe 2 times to help me find my release and after 2 mins of trying both times he just gave up and said its my fault. Ive never experienced any type of release with him. And I constantly ask him and I constantly buy new lingerie...read up on different techniques and I ace it...but he doesn't put in any effort. I am constantly feeling hurt...and i don't know if I am just expecting too much. He constantly tells me he won't smoke if we go out (it bothers me when he smokes...he only does it occasionally...) and then he does...he constantly says he won't drink anymore and he always does. I have to ask him to hold my hand...I'm tired of asking the man who says he loves me...to make me feel special. Am I just being a brat?

 

sry this is so long. I am just frustrated. Ive heard communication is key..and Ive talked to him..but he placates me and I just let it go. I have sex with him even though I get frustrated because I'm not satisfied because he cheated on me in the beginning of the relationship and I wasn't having sex with him at that time. So I feel like if I don't sleep with him...someone else might step in and meet those needs. I don't mind doing it ... I love him...but I'm very unsatisfied and getting frustrated.

I'm willing to try anything. He says he loves me and that I'm "perfect". Ive asked him if I need to change anything physically...anything...but I dunno...he never says anything.

[blackhawks1287]

End it. Period.

 

After writing all that out, reading it to yourself, how can you not see it? You are bending over backwards for this dbag and it is not even paying off for you.

 

Why do you love him? What about him do you love? You do all of these things for him, and he does nothing for you but cause you stress and struggle, but you love him sooo much.

 

I don't get how you can put up with all of this, yes love blinds us, but really? This is flat out torture to your face. Some partners are a little more subtle and emotionally abusive, yours is the opposite. He says kinds words, but does not back them up.

 

I guarantee you though, when you go to end it, he will promise change and beg to stay with you. But you will have to resist. And if he doesn't beg or try for you to stick it out...then life will be easier for you.

[Oneironaut]

Of course you're "perfect"...you do all the giving and he does all the taking. That's ideal for a lazy, selfish lover.

 

You're not expecting too much, he's giving too little. And he doesn't sound like he's going to change, although to be fair, you should probably give him the chance by sitting down and telling him everything you said here. However, like blackhawks said, he may promise to change but I doubt he will. People like him don't know HOW to do anything other than what they're doing.

 

You can do better...you can find a man who wants to spend time pleasing YOU, and in fact, makes mutual pleasure the center of your sexual experience together. They do exist, I promise. But you'll never find him as long as you're stuck with this guy.

[SillyGurl89]

ive ended it with him about 3 times in the past 3 months...but i always say I still love him and the only reason why is because of these few things...he always promises me he will change but he never does. I know I should leave him...but he was my first bf...my first TIME...my first kiss...my first time holding hands with a guy...my first everything was with him. I vowed to never have sex before marriage. When I thought I was going to marry him and after we worked past him cheating I finally got tired of being pressured and since I loved him I decided to give him my virginity. I felt like if I gave him that then I would be enough. I don't like to give up and I don't know waht to do. Everyone tells me to dump him but if I'm not there for him then he will fall apart. He has been abusive before...physically and emotionally. He is emotionally abusive with words but I just can't seem to end it. I keep hoping he will change. The only thing I think that could make me truly "give up" on our relationship would be if I found out he cheated on me again. That would destroy me.

[SillyGurl89]

I have told him everything that bothers me. Its the same stuff everytime we talk. In fact he could prob quote it. He usually answers in 2 ways...one is to say whatever hes done and sick of it and to do what I want...the other is to take me in his arms and say there there baby. I love you...you know that....

[Oneironaut]

And after he takes you in his arms and says he loves you, etc...does he change? If so, for how long?

[SillyGurl89]

umm well he will change sometimes for a week sometimes for a month but mostly none at all. He has promised me for the past week that he will cuddle me and hold me in his arms when we sleep and all week every night he turns from me and says to rub his back. 2 wks ago was his bday and on his bday we spent the day together at the mall and then at a movie and went to a nice restaurant...he was so nice...so loving that I actually didn't know what to do with myself and it got to the point where he looked in my eyes at the restaurant and said he loved me and couldn't wait to be married to me (we aren't engaged anymore...it was awhile ago wehn we were engaged...but then I found out about his infidelity and I broke off the engagement and we started over) its been 9 months since then...and so when he was so loving...I wasn't used to it and I just broke down and cried right there in the restaurant. I was so embarrased but my heart couldn't take it and I told him...I said I'm so used to him being condescending or rough or just uncaring that my heart didn't know wwhat to do with all the love he was showing me on that day. I was so happy that day...I truly thought that was the turning point that we needed. But he is back to his old ways.

[SillyGurl89]

I am going to meet him tonight and take him dinner after I pick him up from work. I am planning on sitting down with him and just having him and I both write questions down and then we can talk about them with each other and discuss what we need and want in our relationship etc. What do you suggest I ask?

[blackhawks1287]

You are going to meet him.

 

You are going to pick him up for work.

 

You are going to take take him to dinner

 

You are planning on sitting down with him to fix the problems

 

I suggest you STOP DOING THINGS FOR HIM! There is no we with you two, just stop...end it and walk away...

[SillyGurl89]

Its so hard. I am going to Italy for 2 months. With the way things are...I expect him to cheat. I don't know anymore.

[Oneironaut]

blackhawks has a good point, but, that aside...

 

Here's what stood out in your OP:

 

I spent 45 min focusing soley on him and gave him (and im judging by his reaction) a pretty sensual happy ending massage...I then asked him if he could simply massage me too...(but like he always does) he said he was tired...then he said he wasn't feeling good...then he put his hand and rubbed 3 times real quick on my leg while playing on his phone....thats it...

 

Ask him why he can't spend as much time making you feel good as you spend making him feel good.

 

in 8 months of having sex...he has tried maybe 2 times to help me find my release and after 2 mins of trying both times he just gave up and said its my fault.

 

Ask him why he doesn't spend more time trying to help you find your release, and how on earth it is YOUR fault when he only tries for 2 minutes.

 

He constantly tells me he won't smoke if we go out (it bothers me when he smokes...he only does it occasionally...) and then he does...he constantly says he won't drink anymore and he always does.

 

Ask him why he tells you that he's not going to do those things, and then he does.

 

Those are the questions that come to mind off-hand.

 

Tell him that you're unhappy in the relationship, you feel that you give a lot more than you get, and if it doesn't change, then you may have to reconsider whether or not you two have a future together.

 

Just my suggestion...please keep us posted on how things go. I'll be hoping for the best.

[blackhawks1287]

He already cheated on you before...while you were engaged to be married...he is unloving, uncaring, speaks kindly but does not act...take those two months to move on...

 

You do know. But you gave up so much for this guy that it is too hard for you to accept it. I get it. Denial.

 

But you will never get out of this if you keep that mentality. Tell him it is done, and block his number while you are in Italy and really use that time to be SINGLE and BY YOURSELF, not attached to anyone.

 

If you feel that after those two months, he is the end all be all...then go back and work on it and express every last remaining option trying to fix what is so severely broken.

[Ivory_Tower]

Dump this guy! Like you, I wanted to wait until marriage but sometimes things happen. Even though you've had sex, you don't have to if you aren't comfortable with it. It sounds a bit like he's using you. It will get better but please break up with this guy

[SillyGurl89]

ok so i tried talking to him last night but he went to sleep. This morning I tried talking to him. He said he loves me and only me and I keep telling him that i feel like he is just done with me. An Added concern is that my girl friend in italy asked me (she works in the military) if i would be open to dating while I am there. I started having a panic attack. I wouldn't mind if we saw other people...but if he got intimate with someone it would destroy me. Would it be unfair for me to say we could see other people so he isn't lonely...but no intimacy with the other person unless we are sure we don't want to go back into our relationship.

[blackhawks1287]

You still didn't have any sort of talk with him....no progress at all....

 

Have a real talk or dump him before your trip so you can date other people...do not see other people while technically with him (don't be one of those)